Am I Insane?

I was trying to delete it from my mind, not remember it but I simply cannot. Something makes me think about it all the time. This little thought.

Last weekend at my best friend’s wedding I caught up with many of my friends I haven’t seen in years. Years ago we were one big crazy bunch and could not live without each other. So it was so wonderful to see them all and talk to them, have fun together again. Although everybody is a bit older, bit different the connection between us stayed the same. 

There is one thing though that does not allow me to put my mind at peace. I learned that they all are already married, having their babies, living their happy lives at suburbs with their wives/husbands.

I feel they all have moved up to the next level, grown up. It is sad they turned into the I-have-a baby-cannot-have-fun-tonight kind of people. I try not to feel sorry for them. I know I am not being politically correct by saying this and I know how it sounds, but this is how I feel.

I feel like I have missed one ring of life chain. I guess I have just skipped the part where people want to get married and to have children. I was pressured by my family, my boyfriend’s family, my boyfriend himself, almost everybody to get married some time ago. I felt I was paddling against the stream but now I am so glad I stood my ground and did not say “yes”.

I can imagine that trying to be a good parent is a hard work. But three hour long conversation about nappies and babies’ poo’s at the wedding is a tad too much for me! I am happy I am not tied down with all this crap.

This makes me wonder maybe I should want to have all those things I do not like having to think about even. Everybody else seems to be happy with it so what is wrong with me?

spot spot
31-35, F
2 Responses Aug 19, 2007

i think you are feeling pressure from society at large. this is the push all females have to deal with (and even some lesbians feel it too) - the decision to get married to a man and/or have children... is it really ours? society would make it seem it is not... everyone, from your parents to your partners, friends and neighbours tend to expect this of young people all the time. it makes me sick to see how much some of them push for it. <br />
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i can tell you as a young mother who was basically forced into having children and marriage that it wasn't worth it for me. as much as i love my children i would have waited much longer before deciding to have them had i had a choice at the time. when my (now ex) husband's mother suggested how grand things would be with baby number 3 to come, i made my man get the snip. after two babies i wasn't ready for, this just threw me. <br />
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don't let anyone guilt you into marriage and/or children if you aren't into it. you would spend the rest of your life in resentment or regret, depending on whether you chose to let your bonds with your children tie you to them for life or the guilt you'd feel forever upon being the parent who walks (as one inevitably does one way or another). <br />
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i feel deep sadness that i wasted all of my 20s on being a mother with young children... i wanted to do so much more with my life, travel, work, create art and music, have fun, child-free stuff... instead i was stuck in an abusive marriage, wishing desperately to escape (i did as soon as it was humanly possible). i do compose music now but i'll never get anywhere with it in my current station in life. being a parent on a low income blows hard... i never wanted this for myself at this age... i am only 33 now and i feel like my life as a woman in this world is over for at least another decade.<br />
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this is the truth that no mother will tell you, but she knows it's true and will agree if she hears it:<br />
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once you have children your world is no longer your own. your freedom to think and care for only yourself is gone until the day you die or unless you have a lasting fall-out with your kids when they are adults.... lol. true but. <br />
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i miss my world and i realise i'm never going to have that back. i love my kids though, and i don't blame them for this. it's just the way my life turned out.

I agree! That kind of conversation is only interesting to other people who have kids. But then again, who wants to talk baseball for 3 hours either?!!!!