Where Do I Go From Here?

  Let me start by saying that I am a USAF girlfriend and hopefully soon to be wife. I have lived with my airman for over a year now and last month he left for BMT. I can't begin to tell you how quiet the house has been, nor can I describe the pains I feel going to bed alone at night as well as waking in the morning, (if I get out of bed.) I have to fight to be strong every day and with each hour that passes I get the much closer to being with him again.

 Am I lost? yes, I find that on days when I should be out and about I am sitting here silent on the couch thinking that there was something that I had to do today only to remember before going to bed. Am I trying? yes, I fight each day to make something good happen and make something worth writing about to him. Am I losing strength? yes, waiting for that first letter has caused me to slowly lose some of the driving force behind me, I know that everyone says that you need to be strong and wait and it takes time but I've been strong, I've been waiting, and yet I have seen nothing from him. I know I mday be just being parinoid but I hate to think that there is something that I don't know and that his parents and him are keeping from me. Though I spend a lot of time with them I find that it gets trying when I haven't heard anything from him.

 I've been staring at our photos for a long time now, wishing I could go back to that day in time and just relive the time we had together. Wishing that he was here holding me in his arms instead of holding a gun or whatever else. I am very proud of him, don't get me wrong, but I am even more scared now than I have ever been. Though I was once confident and knowing that this was true love and that we were meant to be together, I now find myself questioning the plans of marriage and all of his wants for me and our little family (horses, cats and dogs lol) I knowit's wrong that he is out there learning everything that he can and becoming the better man that I always knew and saw in him, but I miss him and with my hopes and dreams dying more each night I keep praying that that first letter comes tomorrow, that I open the mail box and there is only one thing in it and that's his letter telling me that he loves me and misses me. I know my driving force is him, that he is the one who causes me to do the things I do and push to be what he believes I can be. Yet without him here it is harder and harder to believe in myself and I am fighting more than ever to stay healthy and do all of the things I need to do.

 I'm lost without him here telling me that I should eat, and then making me something to eat. I suffer from an eating disorder, and though I have managed it very well over the past year, without him here I no longer feel that I have to eat, and when I do eat I fall back into old habbits. I know I have to be healthy to be strong for him and I know that I have to do it for him and I am trying but it's getting harder each day. Each day is a new pain and a new heartache when I don't get that letter. I know I have to face things and know that he is busy and that writing isn't the highest thing on his list but I plan on continuing to write him each and everyday, telling him everything and hoping that soon, I will get that letter and my faith as well as my strength will be renewed.

donspanda31 donspanda31
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 9, 2009

Forces girlfriends and wives have to be strong. That is why only a few of us can hack it. Be thankful that you know hes in a safe place and in a short time this will all be over and be a distant memory. You will make it through and you have a lot of great people on hear you can chat with and that should help. I'm here if you ever want to ta;l.x