The Feeling Of Never Being Loved

I have tried to get in a relationship with someone for over a year now. I have talked to different kind of people, but I always end up in the same dead end. Maybe it has something to do with how I look like or the way I'am,or just that people hope me to be someone else. I often get replies like, you will find someone, I promise. But that will never happen, you can't imagine how abnormal I really am. I'm a close second from hanging myself from a tree.

I feel depressed all the time, I don't act like I'am depressed because I know that if you reflect depression towards people or your family. They suddenly want to "help" you by giving you the number to a psychologist and says: This will help you. But no, it won't I have already been there and if it would have helped I wouldn't be writing this story right now.

All I ever want to do is find a girl that loves me for what I'am, live on the country at farm. And just spend our lives together happily, when I'am away from people I feel freedom. The feeling of not pretending, the feeling of not be afraid of what they will think of you or what they might even come up to you and tell you what they think about you. I'am not easy to love, I know it and you know it.

eliPeople just don't seem to understand me, and I can't understand them. For me, they are inhuman.. All of them. Because I have always connected pain with people. I know how it feels to lose a friend, to lose someone that you thought loved you. And the worst part is to feel that everything I do is useless, including writing this story. I'am lost..
Zedazih Zedazih
18-21, M
6 Responses Aug 12, 2010

I can relate in a way. I can't stand people. All their opinions and judgments. There are very few people I can actually tolerate. And in real life, well, that only means one or two. Also everyone is the same to me. No one my age is different. It's at this age that being different really counts. If someone is openly different at this age then that's saying a lot. That means we don't care what people think. Personally I want people to KNOW Im different. I dress in all black, but I am not Emo or Gothic. I am dark and elegant. I only wear skirts and I always wear scarves. Well if people want to put me as a stereotype, then I say go right ahead. That shows how ignorant they are. Each time a person looks at me funny, it makes me feel better because I know that I am more intelligent than them. But I just go ahead and smile. I want to be away from people. Know one will ever be like me, or think the way I do. Im guessing that there may be one person out there just like me. I want to find him and go away just as you said, to the country. My dream is out in the middle of no where in Scotland. Where I can live a happy life away from politics and society. I know that there would be few men that would get along with me happily anyways. I have been diagnosed Bipolar and I know that its not easy to live with.

Sure, I'am more than happy to be your friend. But I have a very and I mean a very strange mind, so I'm not that good at socializing or getting to know people better. That is one of my main weakpoints.

fist off, id like to defend humanity. Im a human too. second, in my opinion you will never find love while just waiting for it. you have to live. and by living you will have experiences and meet all sorts of people. give people a chance, the same chance that they wish they would give you. and if your lonely you probobly just need a friend. everyone needs a good quality friend. ill be your friend if you want. im a little lonely too. id love to listen to you and try to understand as best i can.

Zedazih, I myself just returned home from a trip that was going to be my last. I was going to cross the city to where a clearing was available above the main railroad line and throw myself in front of a speeding engine. The trip took too long, and I finally thought of someone I could call. I at least got myself turned around before it was too late.<br />
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I am very sorry to hear that your romantic interest is not returning your love. I too have been deeply in love with a woman I met two-and-a-half months ago, but who will not return the feeling on the basis of my not having a good income and being overweight. I keep hoping that if I remain her friend she will come around, but the chances are less than slim. It's only my imagination that keeps me holding on.<br />
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I was also laid off yesterday, only one day after being hired at my dream job, something I'd been pursuing for four months. I've been divorced three-and-a-a-half years and have very little contact with a daughter I love very much. I also suffer from depression. Today it felt like I was incapable of doing anything right and I wanted to throw in the towel for good. I guess there's some strength left in me that keeps me holding on, as it has all these years. It is never easy. I have made some nice friends here on EP, too, who have helped me as I have helped them.<br />
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I wish you well in your journey and hope you are feeling better soon. Understand that you are not alone in your feelings of hopelessness. I keep finding that life hasn't guaranteed me an easy ride either.<br />
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I take your friendship with me very serious. And I thank you for supporting me, even when I might not even deserve it. Sometimes I want to be able to be forgotten and pull myself together, but there is always something else pinning you down to the lower status than dirt. But I love that we have eachother back to back. You are indeed a great friend <3

my friend, i feel the same way. i wake up in the morning and i just want to disapear. who will it hurt if i am not here anymore? but the thing is, why end your life?... why feel pain?... pain is life. life is a pain. just make yourself strong, i know you are. i feel really bad because i know i was one of those people that told you you'd find love. and i was wrong. but i know there is someone for you. somewhere out in this world is someone who cares for you. i have been to the breaking point of killing myself, but what will it prove? what am i going to get out of it? the answer is ..... nothing. you gain and lose nothing by doing that. you know i am here if you need to talk.