Drowning In Tears

i have never felt so lost and alone as i do now.yesterday i was broken.i lost myself.i had to talk to someone.i got into my car and pulled over.i was unable to drive any further.the last hurtful words i heard were too much to bare.i can no longer and believe i no longer deserve any nastiness directed at me.by chance someone i knew drove past we were in the middle of no where.i started yelling not at them but as i spoke all my sadness and anger came to the surface.someone not me was speaking,crying,yelling and swearing.my eyes and face are still swollen i look as bad as i feel.i have had enough.i want to disappear.sick of the hurt and the pain.being nice gets me no where but i know if i try to be anything else i will feel awful and its not being myself.those who are rude and nasty people fear and dont say a cruel word to them but to people like me i cop all the negative thoughts directed at me instead of them because they know i wont be nasty back.i do stick up for myself and tell them to stop but i cant be as nasty as them.i hate myself for this.why cant i be nasty and have no remorse later and go on like nothing like others.what is wrong with me.i am sick of all these tears.sick of having to make decisions.i have to make one decision that will change the rest of my life.do i do what i think is right but i will be unhappy or do i do what will make me happy and start a new begining
freeangel freeangel
31-35, F
9 Responses Mar 22, 2011

Call it what you will, but there is this part of you – an innate wisdom, if you will – that has tried and tried and tried to get you to stop and fix a part of you that broke a long time ago but you've told yourself that you either don't have enough money, don't have enough time, don't have enough courage, don't have enough faith, don't have enough conviction, don't have enough belief in yourself, don't have enough love for yourself or any of the thousands of other reasons you've been rattling off to yourself every single day as justification for not stopping and trying to fix that part of you that broke down.<br />
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This innate wisdom inside of you – your other “YOU” – is tired of looking at its reflection in the mirror and seeing a shell, an empty husk.<br />
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“YOU” doesn't want this to be your life anymore but you haven't been listening to her so now, you've left “YOU” with no other recourse but to shut you down – completely. So, in this way, what you're feeling now is the effect of this tool “YOU” is using to get you to STOP! and do anything and everything in your power to fix “YOU”.<br />
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“YOU” is on strike :)<br />
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The point is, listen to “YOU”. “YOU” has shut you down – and will keep you shut down – until you give “YOU” the life it so desperately wants. It's tired of hearing your rationalizations, your excuses - “YOU” wants no more of it!<br />
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The only way you'll make peace with “YOU” is by doing exactly what she wants :)<br />
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The wonderful thing is that, in the process of finally obeying “YOU”, you'll slowly feel MORE energy, MORE passion, MORE intelligence, MORE wisdom, MORE peace and MORE happiness, until one day, “YOU” has decided to turn you back on and has freed you from Depression.<br />
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Listen to “YOU”. Start now! :)

FreeAngel---Thanks for your post. I have had a similar experience and am coming out of severe post traumatic stress which actually levied some physical damage to me due to the the relentless and sick hatred of others---basically sociopaths. There are bad people out there. We sometimes get mixed up with them---they travel in packs so when it rains it pours. They are not free thinking independent people but codependent and thrive on misery and making others miserable. Just know that they do this because they loath themselves adn are jealous, hateful, fearful and doubtful and want you to be like them because they do not have the balls, qualities or values, that you do so the resign themselves to taking and destroying so they feel better about themselves. It hurts---and I've been there, but move on as best you can and try to forget. They are not worth it. They are only an illusion.

hello anupchela i to do take time one day a week for me.i was treated rudely today for doing so.i know i have done nothing wrong i especially need the time due to a chest infection.some people are so rude you have to help and do what they say when they want.i say down with rude people.

omg, I m the same way. There r many times I should have been angry with someone or should beat the hell of him. I get mad at myself for not showing my true emotions. I know its hard, but u gotta keep moving. What makes me relax is that, I take a day out of a week and treat myself well. it helps me lot and kind of refreshes me and my attitude. plz take care

my thoughts are scattered too.your lucky to have a man who will stick by you no matter what.i agree the only tears worth shedding our for children.i have a daughter who i can not be with right now that is why the tears flow so hard.manipulation and stolen trust makes life hard especially when it all surrounds the future of an innocent child.one day we can make life happy once more.you will find new friends ones you deserve to have ones who will stick by you

the world is a cold place now, don't know why. the only tears worth shedding now would be only for my kids. i am friendless because i changed due to a head injury. my man though has been my rock for 22 years and he will never leave me. my thoughts are scattered but i do feel just like you. just wanted you to know i understand how you feel. i used to tell people it will get better but how can someone say that when they're not in your head. besides in reality, is the world getting better?

the world is getting worse not better.people you trust with everything easily and happily stab you in the back and take all that is important to you when you are at your worst

thank you for taking the time to comment justscott finalising the end of something is scary and also is beginning something new.i am terrified but i am also a tad excited knowing once i decide i can get on with my life and just live

It sounds like starting a new beginning would be a pretty good idea. Sometimes to do what is best for ourselves, we have to walk away and start over. *smile*