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Has God Forsaken Me?

I am very, very, VERY angry with GOD! I feel he has forsaken me and has left me alone to fight evilness- of which I am not well equipped.

I am mad because he has not yet delivered me from the grip of evilness. There are people out there seeking to do me harm and have been successful at hurting me and he hasn't stopped them nor has he allowed me to to get access away from those people.

Does he even hear my prayers? Does he know of my anguish? Does he love me? Why would he leave me at their mercy to hurt me and allow me no reprieve. I am being falsely accused, why hasn't be vindicated me?

Has he left me alone to fight this battle? Does he want to me to suffer because I am unworthy of his mercy? Why has he allowed evil to perservere and not stop them in their tracks? Why has he allowed me to suffer and wonder where my salvation is?

I am scared, fearful, angry, hurt, begging for help and he has left me alone. Why has he forsaken me?

I pray for forgiveness. I repent my sins. I ask God for deliverance. I beg for mercy. but I know not what else to do. I don't think I am strong enough to endure much more. I am weary and tired and they (evildoers) are relentless in their attacks. 

Lord, hold me, help, save me, love me... rescue me, deleiver me, come into my heart and release me, give me peace and allow my life to continue and allow me to be stronger. I want out of this situation. I have an opportunity, please allow me to move on away from this poison. Please do not forsake me, I am a child of yours... 

aniave aniave 31-35, F 79 Responses Sep 18, 2009

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I am so happy I found this site! I too have been asking God for answers and you all have just given them to me! I realize that no matter what trials I face I still have so much to be grateful for! That despite the fact that I have faced a suicide attempt, two miscarriages, a brain tumor, the death of my mom from breast cancer, my brother is incarcerated, foreclosure, homelessness, being hospitalized for ulcers, betrayal of friends, two abusive relationships, losing everything, a sick child, financial ruin three times, depression, losing three businesses, being ridiculed, being hungry, giving birth to six children, being on welfare, sexual abuse my first cousin, four child protective services cases, three abortions, date rape, racism, unemployment, two criminal cases, a move across country with no money and being hospitalized in a psychiatric institution for a short period...

I HAVE OVERCOME IT ALL AND I STILL HAVE THE ABILITY TO SMILE! And even now as I face what I think will be the hardest trial I have had to face in my forty years of living, I STILL have found something to be grateful for! For in three days I must self surrender to the federal prison in Dublin California to serve a year for something that I did years ago...a year away from my children, my husband, my friends 1,000 miles from my home. Am I afraid? Yes. Am I angry? I was. Hence me googling "why me" and finding this site...but after reading all of your testimonies if nothing else I thank God that after all ive been thru I am not bitter or feeling worthless or having a pity party for myself...that He was true to His word when He said "I can do ALL THINGS thru Christ which strengthens me"! And looking back over my life those words have held true...I would have never even known how strong He had made me if I had not endured those things! I would not be able to tell someone ELSE that they could make it, had I laid down and mentally died in my trials and tribulations. Because even after facing all of that...there have still been good days in my life...I have been able to help others and even if its just feeling the sun on my face I had another day I chose to just smile.
My mother used to tell me all the time that "no one promised us a perfect life". And I don't recall when any of my children were born the doctor telling me that they would have a perfect life...and I teach them that well as "don't envy others lives if you don't want to go through what they have been through!" EVERYONE HAS not dumb enough to think they don't.....THE DIFFERENCE IN THOSE THAT SEEM LIKE THEY ALWAYS WIN IS HOW THEY HANDLE IT! And I choose to handle my problems head on and NOT let them steal my joy! "For the joy of the Lord is my strength!" My trials have given me a chance to look at my life,SEE THAT I MADE IT(and I did because im typing this right now) and marvel at how strong one can be! I love myself and God even more! Thank you Lord! And I hope you find at least one thing to be grateful for...even if its for the ability to read...because somewhere someone wish they could...somewhere someone would gladly suffer our trials and pain...because theirs is greater...believe that. God bless your spirits and may you find some joy somewhere.

I am so glad to see so many people reading and commenting after all these years. This is such a serious topic and many of us are in pain, at least here we have a community where we can express ourselves and be heard- maybe even get some support from each other. Thank You everyone!

I do understand all that is being said here. I have gone through most of the experiences. And though i may want to say mine is the worst, but i believe every experience is personal to each person and only they know how bad their stories truly feel. I started out with a deep love for God and determination to serve him- i was just an adolescent then. But even as a youngster i stayed clear of actions that could defile me even though i was seldom regular at church. My trials started in the university, when i was hitting puberty and most of my age mates where exploring their sexuality. I loved girls then but my years of holy living and dedication coupled with an abused relationship from my mother turned out had affected me negatively and i had major psychological incapabilities that i started to realise gradually. I found relating with girls and even boys and the people a little hard to do. My locked up life meant i had limited social skills and hence my social debacle started. I was generously given bad names day after day just because i coudnt relate in a way that the rest of the school community wanted. So where does God come in? well inbetween all this, I thought all this were just a test of my faith. And rather than slow down and seek help, any kind of help, i piously continued to avoid most people based on those that talked about me and piblicly humiliated me. I prayed earnestly during this times but Gods supposed answers was for me to continue praying- which i continued to do. Afterall it should be well if a son trusts his heavenly father. Right? not exactly. On the contrary my problems became worse, even as it seems with every single prayer. Some may say that then is really bad, but thats jusy half of it. Actually the more i prayed, yes the more people humiliated me but then the more i began to endure a new form of spiritual horrors and manipulations. I would have dreams of Satan threatening to kill me, witches appearing to me and seeming to also jeer at me, I believe for trying to seem to be living acvording to the faith. It was endless.Some of my biggest distractors were in the church itself and going for services became a big dread. All this went on for years until i was forced to seek a transfer to a separate school, and by now i was physically and emotionally tired. Counsellors would say i took a decision due to insurmountable public bullying but it was more. I did take the decision due to public humiliation but also due to my weakening faith in God and beleieve that He could make things better for me. My new school brought little relief. Someone there recognized me from my home town and all the stories about me and soon the rumours began here and continued to spread. No one asked whether or not i had a mental impediment. No one bothered to find out if i suffered from symptoms of add or adhd which i actually seemed to all have. No one asked if the rumours about me being a snub were true or i was just misunderstood. I was ostracised easyly because i had not the mental strenght to fight back and defend myself, actleast verbally. At this point I stopped church almost entirely but continued to have faith that God could still help me, but i must admit the faith at that point was less than a mustard seed. Through tears and pain with no relief in sight from God i managed to graduate. And since its years i left school it may be a surprise i still suffer from such humiliation. Its no figure, since everyone in my home town as heard one or two rumours about me. The rumuors all center around me being a fool and very stupid, not about the emotional and mental torment i suffered as a mentally incapacitated problem. So some may ask, where did my unbelief in God now escalate, well it started when i started using medication. With a careful perusal of remedies and cures on the internet, i have been able to improve my mental capabilities and communicate in an intelligible and constructive manner as i never could before. Also as i have started taking alcohol (in a controlled manner) i have shed almost all social anxities and go out a lot more now. Thats why the more i get better the more i see how damaged i was upstairs and it now pains me to know that God knew i had all this problems for years and he never bothered to help. That of all those church services i attended in tears, He sat there upstairs and never bothered to send me a healing touch or a miracle. That all my problema may never have occured if he had made me whole from birth without any deficiencies in me. Sometimes my conscience kicks in and i try not to blame him but blame satan instead as the master mind of all things evil. But the more i realise through the bible that God is all knowing and capable of all things, i seem to find it harder for forgiving Him for knowing the plans of the enemy and doing nothing about it. I am almost most certan and assured now of wanting to continue my life without God or without any semblance of Him. I may eventaully be proved wrong, but i believe i nedd time alone to myself and allow myself heal from all the feelings of abondonment and rejection by God. And if at all, as my search for God led me down this ignoble path of life, then He should be him to find me now and not the other way around. MadmenX

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Do you want me to add a response? I still feel this way. I suffer from depression and probably will for entire life. I hate things about my past, things I feel are unfair, things others had that I didn't. I am still angry. I believe in God and I have felt alone, lost and abandoned for much of my adult life and as hard as I've tried to fix my life, I feel unsupported and ill-equipped and instead of hearing my prayers and answering them by helping me, he has abandoned me especially at my weakest and most vulnerable. I am still mad at God, I hate my life most of the time, I feel burdened, deep in a ditch which I can't get out of. Where is he? Where is God?

Same, im in this pickle too.

God will always love you. To anyone who thinks that it is God who places hardships or abuse on any of us, they are mistaken. The bible states that God will tempt no man. You should be prepared to die at any moment, even killed. If you follow the way of righteousness, then you should never fear death. The bible also states to not fear who can take away your body, but the one who can take away your body and soul. This world is an illusion. If a man does harm to you, pray for him. It is hard, especially in a society that dwells with instant gratification and reward. You want vengeance now. That is your downfall, my friend. Vengeance is now and will forever be the one and true God, the Holy trinity. All as one. God won't forsake you. You just remember to never forsake God.

Thanks you for those kind words... but I don't feel death... if anything I welcome it. The life I am stuck leading isn't the life I want and the burdens I carry, I feel like I will never get out from under them. I welcome death. I don't want to live like this. Joyless, empty, stressed- its no kinda life. I am barely existing.... I hate every minute of it.

God will do what He wants. How can anybody think God is loving? He gives parents that beat you. Then he gives his enemies legal ground to torment you from the wounds from your parents. God is a joke. He doesnt even do what he promises (set us free from bondages of sin, and restore our broken hearts ) God is the kid with a magnifying glass, burning all us ants. All the while laughing his sick *** off at our stupidity. ! But he loves us. Hahahaha. Thanks God for all the lies. I do love your ways, but you, I dont love.

Im realizing this too, that god will do whatever he wants. Its hard not to ask why.

I can't say that God does it... but his allowing it ANGERS me. If he's so omnipotent, why allow such evil and hurtful events to occur. That I have not been able to get a good enough answer to. I hope things get better for you!

I am going through exactly the same experience as you. People have been falsely accusing me and hurting me. I have been praying and begging God to help me, maybe to stop them or else take me away from this situation, where I feel helpless. I too, feel abandoned by God. Lately I feel that I have been praying in vain, that God isn't even listening to my pleas. People keep falsely accusing me, avoiding me and hurting me. It seems they are getting away with it all and I can do nothing but hurt and cry. It seems people who are evil get the better out of life. It makes me feel so angry. All this hatred and evil around me, and God just lets me face it all alone

Hi everybody. I seem to have the same problem as other people here. I was led to the Lord by two man that witnessed to me. I served the Lord for around five years and backslid. Then after around fifteen years the Lord called my back. Then I served the Lord for around fifteen years and then he left me around four years ago. If the Lord isn't going to take a person all the way why does he call them in the first place? I don't understand it. I have tried to get back to the Lord for the last four years and he doesn't do anything. After being away from the Lord all this time I find myself very bitter and when things go wrong I use curse words at him. I feel bad that I do this knowing that he is real, but I just feel like he has deserted me. I now have to take a lot of medications just to stay calm and I am in darkness and fear. The Lord said in his Word that he would never leave you or forsake you. If that is true which it has to be because it is the Word then why am I and all the people here experiencing the same thing. I never wanted to leave the Lord. He just took his peace and anointing off of me one day and left me to do things on my own. I would have been better off if I never knew the Lord was real. Now that I have been delivered from unbelief and I am backslid I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with all the unbelievers and I don't fit in with any of the believers. I am just in a dark prison spiritually and I just stay in my apartment and just go out to get food or pay bills. I don't know how not to feel like God is just a user. When I served him I led people to the Lord that are still serving him today, but it looks like he has cast me off. All I know to do is try to keep my mind off of spiritual things because it seems like if I try to read the Word or listen to a sermon it just condemns me. I feel like I don't have any emotions which could be from all the medications I am on, but I don't laugh or cry. I just feel like I am here and don't know why seeing my main feeling is fear. The Word says fear has torment and I can say I am in torment and I don't get anything out of this life. It is like I am just existing and afraid to die and afraid to live. I see I am not the only one going through this so what is God doing? Did he just deliver us from unbelief so he could drop us later to live in fear? I know I am not much help here seeing you all are in the same shape. If any of you have figured a way out of this dark place please let me know what you did. Lord have mercy on us all. Forgive me if I have said or done or thought anything wrong or if I have offended anybody. Please let me come back to you. I am sorry and want you to bring me back to my first love with you. Forgive me for calling you names when things go wrong, but I don't know how to handle situations on my own after depending on you all these years. I can do nothing without you. Please remember me and let me come back. Well, I know I am not alone in this now after reading all your post. I used to be a fun loving person, but now even my daughter doesn't want to be around me and I don't blame her. All I can do is just take it one day at a time and pray that God will call me back to himself like he did before after I was backslid for so long.

I sent you a private message...

hello i dont know how to reply but god has used you to touch my heart , after reading what you put down it gives me hope. i'm suffering becouse my my own actions and i wonderd if it was to late for me and if i finely destroyed my life i wonderd if there was any hope

after reading your post i know now i'm not alone

after being alone and tormeted so many times i think how can god possibly know becouse the god that entered into my life was so great and invincible. i care about you and i love you. i'm sorry that you have been through so much

just know that your fear is a lie just know that fear is not the opposite of faith, i know it may not seem that you are safe, but i know now you are beuitful. i hate it when people say no one is perfect, but i know there are perfect people in this world , very few but alot and we are at odds with the world that has no concience,

please find reasons to love your life , i need you and i need everyone here
dont give up, find good in the world .just try to be happy , every good in the world is put there as a gift our body has many needs . use the world for your gain

never give up , one day a savoir will show up , someone who can make you complete , someone who will show you that there is more good then bad on this earth, ignore the bad and concentrate on the good

when you find a good movie or a good song or something cool that you cant live without, go out and possess it, there are many heavenly things on this planet. feel the good everywhere you go try to figure out what you think is meaningless and try to live without. know what is healthy for you and know what can only hurt you,

be smart ,and be a saint . pray for a profound concience , i have also felt abandond many times i sufferd so much i wondered if there was only bad in our existance . but everytime i see a good movie or listen to a good song and when i go out and spend money buying cool clothes , shoes or when i keep my house clean. when i work and have more then enough money for the things i need, desire and want. it just brings me back to greatness , gives me hope , it makes me feel complete,and happy

Hang on to whatever little hope you have! I tell myself its temporary. Things change. That I know to be true. The impermanence of all things. This too shall pass! Its hard to hold out waiting for change, hoping things don't get drastically worse before you see relief, wondering if relief will ever come or if things will just get worst- I know. My depression always returns, feels like its stronger each time. I hold on to the good times, its hard to make them real in the midst of immense sadness, but any glimmer of hope, I try to use them to keep me going. I am angry at God for making this ****** roller coaster my life without real relief. Maybe its me. maybe I'm too dumb to not know they solution so I continue to hold out, hoping I will get it one day. Keep holding on!

Nora, Your story of backsliding is mine. I came to Christ in my early thirties. I was carried through a series of tragedies including the long illness of my husband who died 4 years ago. Trying to date in my 40's as a widow has decimated my hope - everything that I planned to adhere to, I have not. I feel as though I have made a mess of things for my young son and myself and I don't know where to turn. If it wasn't for him I am not sure I would go on any longer. I find myself in my 40's widowed, alone with a beautiful child and trying to do the best I can. But my best has turned my life and my son's upside down. I feel as though I have taken the tragedy of my husband's death and am starting to create a lot of small tragedies as a result of this. How do I get this back on track for the sake of my son? He needs me and I can't find God and don't understand where His protection is for me right now. God where are you? Forgive me Lord for I need you and my son needs you.

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Hello, new here so I don't know when you all submitted your post, but I was reading some of them. I think some people's problem is that they have just been delivered from unbelief and maybe got baptized and never received the baptism of the Holy Ghost. Here is where most people make a mistake. They will repent (Acts 2:38) and then go to a church and get baptized wrong. The denominational churches baptize in the titles of father, son and Holy Ghost. Acts 2:38 says to be baptized in the NAME (singular) of Jesus Christ. Father is not a name and son is not a name and Holy ghost isn't a name. They are titles of the name of Jesus Christ. The NAME of the father, son and Holy Ghost is the Lord Jesus Christ. Baptism in the titles of His name instead of the name of Jesus Christ is a catholic dogma. In Matt. 28:19 Jesus told his disciples to baptize in the NAME of the father, son and Holy Ghost. Peter who has the keys to the kingdom was standing right there when Jesus spoke those words. Then ten days later Peter preached a sermon in Acts 2. When he got through the Word says the people were pricked in their heart meaning what God spoke through him got to them. They ask Peter what they must do to be saved. Peter told them to (Acts 2:38) REPENT and be baptized every one of you in the NAME of JESUS CHRIST for the remission of sins and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. So you see why so many people fall away is because they have never been baptized in the NAME of Jesus Christ after they repented. They repented and went to one of the Mother Harlot's (catholic) daughter churches (denominations) and took her FALSE baptism. When you are baptized in the titles of father, son and Holy Ghost instead of the NAME of Jesus Christ you are baptized into the catholic church. The first part of Acts 2:38 is REPENT. The second part of Acts 2:38 is to get baptized in the NAME of Jesus Christ. Once YOU do these two parts of Acts 2:38 God will do the third part and fill you with His Spirit. That is His promise and is the Word. Then you are sealed until the day of your redemption. A lot of people repent, but are never baptized according to the Word so they don't get the baptism of the Holy Ghost. That is why most people fall away because you can't live for God without His Spirit dwelling in you. If you have repented and never been baptized in the NAME of Jesus Christ just go get BAPTIZED OVER IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST and God will give you His Holy Ghost where you will have power over the world, your flesh and the devil. If you REJECT what God spoke through Peter in Acts 2:38 how can you expect Him to give you His Spirit? Go to and you can find a church there that baptizes in the NAME of Jesus Christ before it is too late. God Bless, Jehodiah

I have been baptized... served god the whole 9 ... yet god still seems to ignore me.

I worked for a biggest christian organisation in india , maintaining their websites and designing and developing them. When I joined , the growth was hardly 1% and now the growth rate is almost 100%. The mgmt brought a person from a major corporate to head our division. Only after having discussion with him, our team found out he was a purchase officer working for the IT major.

Our new head wanted to take hold of the operations, since he found out that everyone was aware of his IT background. He went to send complaints after complaints regarding my work and targets underachieved even though I completed all the assignments single handedly. And finally I was given a termination notice without any proper explanation.

I began to wonder whether there is really God to whom I served all these years.
The founder of the organisation used to prophecy on every new year about the upcoming events. Cant he know how much I had toiled day and night to bring growth to his organisation. If God cant answer me in my days of trouble, how can I aligned to him,

I know... I've felt the same way. I wish we knew his plans for us but sometimes in just hurts when seemingly bad things happen to you and you can't understand why or see a better situation near.


have you ever placed yourself in the position of the jews who were tortured and killed during the holocaust.
God created Jews first and still the holocaust happened.
Countless times whenever I tried to get closer with God, the thought of holocaust was too much to bear for me. Now the same thing happens in Srilanka and my beloved brethren suffer the same fate,

I am probably the most lonely and scared person in the world right now.
When I was 18 I met a man, he was a Muslim I fell in love with him he treated me pretty badly. Fast forward 9 years and he decided he loved me and did everything the right way. I was patient and loyal to him he realised I was worth it. I moved to be with him and met his family they were not overjoyed but were friendly considering their religions attitude to 'kaffirs'
Never gave the religious differences much thought but as I started to get to know them all I realised why he'd been the way he'd been for so many years and I realised that Islam is the greatest trick of the devil and the greatest divider and destroyer. I started to research it, I read the Quran too. One morning I woke up with the words '77 days' in my head. It felt profound I was moved to open my bible to psalm 77 it talked about crying out to god in despair it encompassed all the feelings I'd been having.
From that day on I began to randomly open my bible I started to voice my opinion to my partner about the evils of Islam and about his need for Jesus the great wiper away of tears the great comforter. I told him it is ok to cry to be weak to be human. As time went by every day I'd open maybe 5 or 6 times and it was always specific to my life. As this happened my partner began to become aggressive and volatile and sometimes just silent. Spiritual warfare was present in my home. One example is he grabbed me the once by the collar of my coat and threw me ro the ground. I opened to job 'he grabs you by the collar of your coat and throws you into the dirt' 
One day he got angry and tore up my bible. I rebuked him in Jesus name and he fell to the floor and sobbed like a child. That night he apologised for the first time ever in 12 years (by that point) he told me lots of awful things that happened to him as a child. I kind of knew he'd been abused it's part of the religion this superiority and godliness given to the men of the family that makes them believe they can do whatever they want. I held him tight and we agreed to get a new bible the following day. When I woke up there was a rainbow I felt entirely filled with the holy spirit I felt amazing despite all he'd told me the night before I felt truly blessed. When we got home after a very emotionally close day we prayed together and then out of the corner of my eye I saw a page from my bible under the ironing board and I started to weep and said to him look that's a message for you. I had cleaned the whole room the night before. I was so excited so filled with the holy spirit. It was Isaiah 48 and yes it was for him. He was visibly moved but got angry and stormed off upstairs for the evening. I praised god. Things got worse and so I left him for a week and he didn't call me even once a d I was tearful and sad but walking down the road I saw a lady who looked extremely out of place standing on the corner dressed in purple. She smiled at me and waved and I felt an amazing feeling of love like ive never felt from anyone in my life. I went into the pub and saw a man sitting on a stool. He looked very Jewish. Round olive face, hooked nose he was staring at me almost through me I was terrified I felt he was watching me. Anyway in time my partner called and was upset and said he didn't want to lose me. We spoke for five hours and I guess thats where my rebellion began. He said he wanted to get to know Jesus. I sent him home an when I slept that night I felt Jesus arms around me. I had a dream that I could t get across a lake and my partner told me he couldn't carry me over and Jesus was standing across the other side staring at me sadly. I had a friend at this time a male friend who was loving and kind and understanding I think I was starting to have feelings for him but not like with my partner just a feeling of being understood. I wish now that I had realised the one who understood me the most was my lord and saviour who could see right inside my heart and soul. 
So I went back to my partner and things were great for a while but everytime I tried to tell him who Jesus was he flipped out and so I thought this guy is wasting my time and I will not have Muslim children or children influenced in any way by Islam. He insisted they would eat halal meat I said that gives them a strong identity as a Muslim its not going to happen. So one day he beat me so bad that I couldn't open my mouth I cried out to Jesus and again he fell to the floor weeping. This was not his style he usually was unashamed and unapologetic but I guess I knew the demons were within him. That day he was looking up and down the stairs holding me over them like he was trying to assess how damaging the drop would be. So I opened my bible and was told to leave. So I did. I told him when we argue I have nowhere to go so I got myself this little caravan a hundred miles away or so and he was very cooperative he said he just didn't want me to leave him and that when these things happened it's like a darkness came over him like he wasn't in control. I understood that I was preaching jeuss message and the demons within him did not like it because only in that last two years was he ever physically violent towards me. When we got to the caravan I'll never forget the look on his face it was appreciative like 'this is a new start' he left me a beautiful note the next morning saying he loved me and would see me soon. I read in my bible 'stay close to god'
I did not.
I spent the first week in severe physical pain and being sick I did not call out to Jesus to help me it's like I forgot him. My reasons for leaving became more about the abuse than the religious differences. I became a *****. Within three weeks I started a relationship with my male friend. I started chain smoking I didn't ever leave that caravan and I moped and let this guy pander to me and love me and do things for me. I told everyone what my ex had done to me. Meanwhile my ex started going to church and opening the bible at random and recording his feelings. He also started going to counselling. I defamed him to everyone we knew I was so tired of being let down by him. I became his enemy. I used to work with him and I took a redundancy payout from him rather than getting off my lazy arse and getting a job or doing some good for others. I became the devil. I was lazy, unkind, ungodly, bitter, tormented day and night by visions and dreams - fear is of the devil there is no place for it in the kingdom of heaven. His family even called me to apologise and tell me he could not live without me. This was my chance to be a Christian. Did I take it? No I was hostile. My ex started to really get into church and feel loved by Jesus I should have held his hand and stood by him. Did I go to church? No. I was reminded of this one day in the caravan as the bells rang for 45 minutes solid. I thought 'I haven't been to church for a while' then they stopped ringing. Meanwhile I was letting this other guy fall deeply in love with me and for the first time ever I felt empowered and like I (excuse my language) didn't give a ****.
Several times my ex came down sobbing wanting to talk to me wanting to share gods word, leaving extracts from services he'd attended outside my door. I didn't read any of them. He even followed me around town the one time while I pretended he wasn't there. My physical ailments continued I had the oddest medical problems going. Oh how often I defied god in the desert. One morning I woke up sweating I had a dream that I was pregnant and god said 'call him maher shalal hash baz' my name, halal and my exs name. then in the dream a huge tall evil man said 'when you are deliriously happy I will strike you down' when I awoke I looked this name up online and low and behold in Isaiah there is a prophetic child born to a prophetess called maher Shalal hash baz which ironically means speed to the spoil quick to the plunder.
I went on holiday with my new man to a place renowned for lose living. The day before my whole face broke out in welts and swelled up but nothing was going to stop me going on holiday and pandering to myself some more.
My ex had found two shells on a beach and made us pendants out of them. The one night we were sitting at the table me an the new man and the lighter dropped onto the cloth and burnt a hole into it exactly the same shape as my exs pendant. I have photos. It was a punch to the stomach and I nearly went home but went upstairs and defied god once again. My ex had also bought me a beautiful cross which I'd hung up in the caravan. Around this time I was just getting warning after warning from the bible 'I will give your men to other women' look at you fulfil your lust as my holy symbol hangs above you' ' you will be shamed in your nakedness' etc. So I went to church with my dad. The night before I was so scared of hell Id really started to think about it and the sermon was entitled 'hell' the night before I'd held my cross and said Jesus Christ I don't know what's happening but please just take me to heaven now.
After the service I cried and my dad invited my ex back to our house to talk and for some reason I had this need to confess all my sins to my whole family. My dad got angry with me and told me to go home so my ex drove me back. I took his cross from the draw and put it on and wow I felt such a genuine compassion and deep lobe for him and then these words came out of my mouth 'oh no youve lost your eternal salvation' so I tore it off and heard 'oh you are evil. This was the second time I'd heard gods voice the first time was I made my ex go to a medical appointment with me and I heard 'be kind to baz' and my disc in face which needed an operation slipped down and I started to weep.
I got really flustered with the cross incident I told him to go home. That night the cross whispered and in the morning it was not in my hand it was up on the side. 
Every time my ex and I had hung out which I limited to three or four occasions that year it was like some kind of weirdness was going on. For example a guy dressed as he devil in the middle of the road made me thing 'the devils trying to get in-between baz and i' or leaflets on the surgery that had a picture of the devil on next to another leaflet called 'the forgotten man' and going to see another caravan and me with my Irish small town totally unusual surname being closely related to the woman. Anyway I ignored all that and started having visors of hell and bad dreams where I was walk g trough hell I could smell it and see all the torture methods used and saw myself burning and screaming  so for some stupid reason I stopped sleeping. I prayed loads but it just continued. So my new man took me to the hospital and when I got there three people sat in front of me. I recognised Jesus immediately. the name 'mary godsonrose' was called out. I heard gods voice 'come on hanniel please let us help you- I will help you write your book' ( something I knew I should have been doing all year) about Islam and personality disorders and domestic abuse all being from Satan. I didnt even know what hanniel meant at that time. I stared and I felt an amazing feeling of healing all over my neck it was beautiful but all that went through my head was ' I want to throw her into the pit of hell' when they left I ran after them shouting 'jesus' the man with the hooked nose and olive skin from the year before was there he looked deeply sad and troubled. I know he was god. I went into a doctor who asked me 'crisis call?' I said 'I know what you're doing just be quiet' he looked quite bemused. Then I started to mistrust everyone like it was a big conspiracy and they were all in on it and knew I'd seen god. Couldn't be further from the truth. They gave me sleeping tablets but that night I was a mess. My parents came down the next day and before they arrived I threw away all my writing and hid in a bush shaking. 
I ended up in a mental health ward and the first night could not sleep because of the pulsing feeling of evil. Upon arriving a woman shouted at me 'hi Jesus hi Jesus- you are disgusting you could have helped me and I've been like this all my life I don't have a problem with (new partners name) but I have a problem with you. This continued for weeks me confused and demons outwardly attacking me and knowing my entire life story until one day I saw his guy and he sat in the foyer I recognised him as the devil and I rebuked him. 5 minutes later one f the women 'gloria' shouted at me 'you ignore me to talk to the man upstairs' and she spat on me. Another patient threw a cup of tea in my face and said 'you never stop trying do you' I was praying like crazy at this point it was completely insane the whole thing even all the patients were named after people I loved and the nurses were called fortunate and patience. I prayed dear god deliver me and 5 minutes later a team turned up to take me home but guess what? I didn't go because they 'looked demonic' three days later I ha a tribunal and the day before I wad compelled to speak to the evil one. He even asked 'now or next week' that night I sweated profusely. God had tried to warn me that morning with a severe nosebleed and vivid dreams but i still did it. I didn't get out at my tribunal and this demonic doctor who 'disappeared' after my case was grinning the whole way through. Before I spoke to him another women had turned up signed herself ce took me into a room and said 'this is getting very serious now marie' I had her out of there in minutes. She is untraceable and I know god sent her. 
8 years ago I had a dream. In the dream I was in a big White hospital telling everyone the devil was in me and I had lost my soul they were all laughing at me. In the dream I got my leg caught up in a black cable with a pink green and blue wire coming out of it. In the dream demons were laughing saying you are going to hell but you better pray you go to hell.One week after I spoke to the devil this canle incident happened. When I saw that cable outside on my walk I felt sick and so scared.
I am at home now but every day I wait for something bad or evil to happen. My naturally joyful and loving personality is gone I have let down my god just by being human and confused but having had such direct contact from him I should have been putting on the armour of god and living a sinless life. The devil even had me convinced the world had turned islamic at one point! This was when the first social worker turned up. I asked her 'do you know what this is about' she said yes- jesus needs you I said 'will my family get hurt if I don't come with you' she said 'yes' I said idont want to go with you she looked horrified and left. I tried to run after her and had all these visions that I'd handed the covenant over to Islam. 
Anyway- I'm going to hell and at any time the devil could take me over and do someging utterly evil to someone I love.
There is a god there is a Jesus there is a Mary- I have seen them. There will be a judgement day and those called to his service should throw themselves at his feet- that is everyone we are all called in one way or another. Now I have doctors telling me I am 'getting better and should be happy ad embrace life' there was Noone happier than me before all this now I am terrified.
I've tried to include most things but ita such a long and complicated story.

WOW o.o i thought my experience was bad...

Im sorry you rndured such horrors.
I was never beaten but had a bad church experience. ..ever since i left the church..god doesnt seem to care. The dreams i have now are getting left behind..

Not Him encouraging me, saying he loves me..just left behind..repeatedly. .. its hard to pick up the pieces... its like, whats the po in nt.

Eternal life is what i was striving for... and i feel he's making it hard for me to obtain.
So what ..what does it matter if you work or not..have friends or not.... i wanted to be in that place where there is no violence, no fear or death..i wanted rest for my soul..

But I've been embittered by all that god allowed in my life... that its hard to read, once which was unthinkable, barely pray...
And just holding on. Through the day i endure anxiety,lonliness and a bit of depression. ...

I dont know what to think of God anymore...

what do you do when life falls apart and your trust in God and his word fail.. trust him, what do you do when your hate and anger at him fills your soul.. thank him,
You know I came across this website searching for a similar one that I came across a few days ago when i was searching why has God abandoned me, during one of my moments of anger and frustration,

My experience is similar to many here, just cut out parts and put them together and you have my story in a nutshell. We became christians because we believed the truth of God and put our hopes in him and his promises, only to experience the exact opposite of everything we put our faith in..

We hope for good things to come and get bad instead, our dreams and hopes crushed over and over, now I am by no means diminishing anyones suffering here, mine included having lost everything after becoming a christian, my home my bizness, my car, my savings. seeing everything I try to do fail over and over again

not to mention the constant mental anguish of non stop blashemous thoughts that pound my brain every day, I can tell you its been over 4 years now of suffering and I find it very hard at times to struggle on and keep faith, but I also know one thing that God, the Bible Jesus and christianity is the absolute truth regardless of my current situation.

what we are experiencing I believe is a result of us truly being saved and loved by God, we are told not to to be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon us to test you, and that it is more precious than Gold. I submit these extreme hardships and suffering so many of us are experiencing are evidence that we truly do have the gift of life, and are OUR FIERY TRIALS

I know its hard and seems so unbearable, but we must be strong and see it for what it truly is,

God loves you very much, I do not doubt that at all as he does me. stand firm we are really running the race. and my last thought is this, these sufferings we are experiencing are earning for us probably the biggest eternal rewards you can possibly fathom. so be strong and keep going, put your trust in him and move forward. Even when it seems insanity to do so.

What do yo do when your heart is filled with hate and anger at God, thank him.

Dont let the satan overcome you with lies and lifes circumstances, your reward in heaven will be great.

Haha x D you are right! I forgot all about fiery trials lol.. after reading what people havd typed here and my own experience. .this is the fiery den ...

But there are conditions..look at all the "if's" to God's promises... if you endure to the end..

Or you must love him with all your heart,mind and soul.

These are the conditions..

Its hard to push past the emotions of hate, bitterness we harbour for god..
But hopefully we can somehow.

its very hard right? especially when the emotions are so strong, and your frustrated, discouraged and everything sucks,,with no end in site. lets blame everything on God and what curse him? reject him?

be furious at him because he has not done what we want of him.. ive spoken such horrible things to him in my moments of anger etc,, accusing him of not caring ,, swearing at him, basically calling him a liar because what i believe he has promised in the bible , is not coming true in my life,,

when i became a christian, i expected everything to be great, I remember all my prayers first all to do with wealth and prosperity, i even made my WISH list,, mansion, cars, circular driveways .. vaulting ceilings etc etc, millions in the bank. :)

much of that came from all the crap i believed from watching stupid tv evangelists etc,, and my own greedy heart . you know the ones who preach prosperity, name it claim it, etc lets all get rich by becoming christian!

and the result? . a complete train wreck , sin in my life like never before, ruin and rubble, and intense suffering.God gave me a great gift when i first really sought him, he filled me with the deepest peace I had ever known

and at that day I had no doubts whatsover that God exists and if it were not for that, I may have fallen away and concluded that all this stuff is crap.

think about this..

All these troubles and sufferings, what do they tempt you to do? turn away from God, reject him right? curse him, blashphemy him.. doubt his word, doubt him, and forsake yourself,

And where do you think this comes from? this is spriitual warfare guys hardcore spiritual warfare... whose goal is to destroy you, destroy me, destroy all of us.. We have to be strong!.

Now im not saying that every problem is spiritual in nature, but ones that push you to your limit, that fill you with anger and resentment towards God ....
what I find that helps me is to think about it in that light,, to recognize, it is hard, you have to recognize it for what it is, evil induced atacks on you to get you to turn away from God

the truth is God hasnt abandoned you, God can be trusted God loves you / all of us..

Jesus died in agony for us,, we are told that it would be hard,,to pick up our cross daily and follow him.... a cross is a heavy thing,,, but eternal life is worth it...

The guilt and shame that comes from all of this, is maybe just as hard as the trials themselves... I mean how do you feel encouraged and eager to seek God after you just cursed him for the 10000th time. and feel in your heart that you failed everything, in life ...

The truth is that you are forgiven as am I, God knew all that you would do, when he first forgave you, and nothing has changed your just living out what he allready knew you would do.. So throw away the crap and see this for what it is,,

when Evil attacks my mind and emotions and throws lifes garbage at me, I try to realize it for what it is and than say thank you God for being wonderful, or thank him for loving me,. I find that after i do that evil quickly flees

be strong guys,

I love your response, i need to friend youx D ive been through some stuff but id rather pm.

Anywho, its comind down to the wire...God is so close on the cusp of returning and now is the worst time to hate Him. He's been telling me( through dreams) to be obedient.

After studying, I always thought Abe was his favorite. .but it was his obedience that 1) saved lot 2) allowed Ishmeal to be blessed ...and alot more.

If he hadn't been obedient. ... he wouldn't have gotten a lick from God. But it amazed me his obedience blessed his family..they didnt have to do a thing, lot was spared bc of abraham, God saw hagar bc of abraham, and Ishmael was blessed bc he was *also* Abraham's son.

So im gonna try and get back on the bandwagon..its hard when you feel you've been kicked around,ignored,forsaken,unloved...the works.

I truly did work too hard to give up now.
All i can say is, thats one thing God Didn't lie abt.... this is hard as hell.

God has thrown me to the wolves. I lost the best job I have ever had, fixing to lose my car, fixing to go to jail over child support, lost the love of my children because of harsh and unfair child support law, can't find work, I want to commit suicide, I can't even smile or laugh at anything anymore, I don't want to leave the house or even socialize with anyone, I hardly eat, I am unfaithful to my girlfriend, I am a sex addict, and I am a burden to others.

I understand your pain. I have also been depressed to the point of considering suicide. I lost a job, been so broke, raising a child alone without much help, under the stress of life and not seeing any improvement coming my way. It was just one crisis after the other. Don't stop moving forward. There is hope. Things can and do get better.

you are right. leave your beliefs and realize the waist if your time. life us short and devoid of a superior being. you control your faith and direction. god isn't real. and isn't the immortal being you seek. align this belief with that of the Greeks and belief in a piteous indignation god known as Zeus. theology is the ambiguous beliefs of man. empower yourself and throw away piteous beliefs of god. you will strengthen yourself knowing your ill begotten short term existence on this earth. seek to rejoice in your accomplishments and accomplishments. is god real? have someone bring you proof of his power. Hmmm they can't do that. They can only proclaim the promises of an empty existential being

I am praying for you. Even in my despair - I still know there is a great God, a creator of heaven and earth and each of us are His children. It takes a step of faith - blind faith. Peace comes from aligning ourselves with God -

Your post made me want to cry. I've had a crippling mental illness since I was 12 and I've been through so much that I am now disabled. I held up because I was strong but there's only so much a person can take. I feel really dejected because I did everything he requires, keep love in my heart, be mindful of others, pray to him, pray for peace, be positive, connect to light and love for others. I did all this **** ALL MY LIFE. 2 years ago i finally snapped and started curisng at god for leaving me here witht he wolves. for my confusion and pain. for being strong in the face of horrible tortortue just to lose the war and bitter reality is setting in Ill never get my life back. I hate god now. I did everything. your post about "scared, fearful, angry, hurt, begging for help and he has left me alone" made me want to cry. I did everything he asked really I did unselfishly. The confusion like I did something wrong. Now you get stupid christians telling us we're going to hell for simply venting our frustrations, (i'm still crhistian myself but nobody should judge). I've been tortured emotionally everyday since I was 12 and i fought a long hard battle and nothing was absolved. Nothing. I hate god I'm shaking I'm so angry. Look up the dfeiinition of spiritual uprooting it's symptomless, encompassitating, confusing and tortureless. I've been tortued most of my goddamned life but the spiritual uprooting happened about 2 years ago I'm not sure of the trigger that's what brings me here. one of worst things you can experience I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

i started jogging again so that helps but i'm still in so much pain but I want to say that I don't want to see anyone else suffer too I'm sad to see everyone in pain. I'll try to keep love in my heart and find understanding. A child can be mad at his parents for going to the doctor to get a shot but they took him because they love him so maybe in a same way we go through trials because he loves us but it's still hard.

mental Illness can feel like the ultimate betrayal- I also suffer from clinical depression and I feel so alone as those around me can neither understand nor comfort me and the things they say only seem to make it worse! i can't tell you i found god and had some epiphany, but I can say that i found buddhism, meditation, and yoga and that that sh*t worked/works for me. It has helped me tremendously! pain is also deceptive and lonely...

My mom has an almost unbearable amount of pain and unless you have experienced it, people don't understand and assume you are faking it ot exaggerating it and that can make you even angrier. You start to wonder where is relief, where is the answer and you hear/feel nothing... you know, where is GOD! Where the heck are you? Have you left me? I hope things get better cause i truly beleive that life is a path and someparts and smoother than others and some parts and more rocky, hilly...

Good. It sounds like Eastern philosophy helps you more then Western christianity I hope get rid of the inner-pain once and for all. I'll be thinking of you.

I agree. I am mad at God. But I guess I am more mad at myself for being mad at God. If that makes any sense. But I am praying that soon changes even though it appear very bleak. I hope whatever you are battling that you come through it stronger because it is a blip dealing with trauma and pain.

And I the same for you! I think that it is okay to be mad at God (or anybody) as long as you don't get stuck in anger. Growth can come from Anger if you do the work and find the lesson...

You are not alone cuzianne... I still feel this way but I am trying to feel differently. To live in gratitude and love because living in fear, anger, pain, disappointment, disillusionment is wreaking havoc on my life and my future happiness!

I feel exactly like this, I am sorry for your pain because I too have been falsely accused and abused by a bad boss, today I cried out to God because I do not think I can endure another day of this and I asked Him why He was allowing evil people to harm me over and over with no reprieve and your words captured exactly what I am feeling. Thank you for writing them down. I feel less alone.

Aniave, I wish you that you find peace and stillness! you shall get through this! Recall that you have everything you need to fight this! Everything you need is already within yourself.

What will give you strength is the knowledge that your troubles are not the heaviest burden one has had to bear! For example, Jesus Christ bore the sin of the world, and he still came through unscathed! Follow his example, be a stoic, and know that while your trials and tribulations may keep you down, they cannot change your intrinsic worth! You are the salt of the earth! You are a marvel of creation, you are beautiful! You have my love, and I wish you well! Hang in there! Fight this!

Hi Aniave, one thing i admire you for is keeping it real without being too insulting. To be honest ive been serving God for years and it seems there are so many things that are unfufiled in my life, however i have had the long and difficult task of accepting that. I really understand how you feel my sister, ive come to understand whyJesus said to enter his Kingdom we must be like children, because there is on thing that children do is "accept". To my often sorrow, things are the way they are but we have the responsibilty of holding on, afterall if we let go, its not Gods life that will be lost its our life that will be lost. My point is that although things are unfair we must accept that life is just like that in this world but in the world to come there will be no more sorrow my sister. In this life unfortunately "we" will suffer because that is the nature of the world but Jesus promised to someday deliver us to the promised land. We must make it my sister, why should we live in hell then die and go to hell, no, my sister please i beg you we must make it.

Amen!... thats crazy to live in hell then go to it..

I love what you said abt kids, they accept w/e..they forgive easily..

This will be one of my prayers.


I'm not always this way Aniave. There are certain days where life can be unbearable on my soul, and issues of self worth and esteem consume my thoughts. There are also days where I'm good and feel upbeat. I wish I experienced more of them..

Maybe sleep is reality's way of telling us, " I've been a bit cruel to you today. You could use a break so with that, I will grant you the gift of sleep." lol

Lol so funny, i have the best times when Im asleep.

Omg reg4321.... I feel exactly the same way. Sleep is my only refuge!

I appreciate the response aniave. The only time I feel I get a break from it all, is when I sleep.

Reg4321... I totally feel where you are coming from... I am tired and worn out too!!!

I often feel that I am like a tug of war rope being pulled by two sides of the spiritual world. The devil and god are pulling with mighty force and I'm being stretched beyond my limit. I feel like I am a pawn in a game that has been played too often, and just looking for the game to end at some point. I'm tired of being a lab rat in this world and the spiritual one. I'm tired of being manipulated. I'm just plain tired and worn out.

What do you do when God abandons you? What do you do when all you've been taught is a total lie? What do you do when the eternal creator of time, space, and all in them can't even help you? What do you do when thoughts of death are more comforting than his love? What do you do when you are prayed out? What do you do when you're out of patience? What do you do when his redeeming love isn't for you? What do you do when he lies to you? What do you do when death is the only way out? What do you do when he puts a gun to your head, and tells you to pull the trigger? What do you do when all you've believed your whole life reveals itself to be a harsh falsity? What do you do when God loses a fight? What do you do when God fails you? What do you do when you've repented? What do you do when it's not worth it anymore? What do you do when you realize God's gift called life is a curse?
What do you do when it hurts too much? What do you do when God laughs at your prayers? What do you do when the Holy Spirit hurts you every time he enters your soul? What do you do when God makes the bottom fall out? What do you do when you're too mad to talk to him? What do you do when he doesn't care? What do you do when life really isn't worth it? What do you do when the Bible really does become "the best science fiction piece ever written"? What do you do when you've trusted God, and he spits on that trust? What do you do when agnostics are probably right? What do you do when an eternity with God sounds just as painful as hell? What do you do when God is the demon? What do you do when God forgives evil before he forgives you? What do you do when God creates you, then burdens you with a debt you can never repay? What do you do about a life you didn't ask for? What do you do about prayers to no one? What do you do when he loses patience with you, but has infinite patience for even satan? What do you do when his promises are false? What do you do when you just need to lay down...forever? What do you do when fear God no more? What do you do when you can't bring yourself to say another damned prayer? What do you do when you've reached the end of your rope? What do you do when you have no more faith? What do you do when there's no power in the blood of the lamb? After all, its not like God cares. This is my testimony to God's love.

brokenanddone, I don't know. My life is horrible right now and I haven't forgiven god yet. I am still mad at him and asks everyday WTF did I do to deserve this crappy life. That is why i am working on my anger and in my experience with The Present thru my practice of Buddhism and by reading and absorbing Eckhart Tolle's books: The Power of Now and A New Earth.

They have helped me but I still have a ong way to do. Its hard to see a way thru crisis, it seems no light shines thru but once you can center yourself and try and find solutions and work on inner strength, it can get easier to muddle your way thru, then if its important to you... then you can work on your relationship with God. I know people will tell you to work on that relationship first but for me, i needed to work on my and my f'ed up situation first before i could even think about that other stuff.

I am/was drowning and my instinct was first to survive and get to higher shore- everything else came second. I hope you can find strength within you because there is so much joy and life available, it may not seem like it now but I truly beleive life can and does get better and I hope it gets better for you!

Nearly a year on and In still in pain every second of every day. Either god chose me and I didnt do thinhs right so he left me or the devil had been plotting and planning this for years it was too detailed, too suoernatural, dreams coning true in minute detail seeing miracles etc. Definitely lost the holy spirit. Ive thought about suicide but id go straight to hell. Ive thought about a lot of things. I have to be hobest as sooj as I thought 'screw you satan you can fill me with fear and loss but you cabt stop me doing gods work' subtle thibgs have started to happen again. I have plans to work as a missionary. To thosr others that say they knoe God is there? Do something. Ive reached a point where if ik goijg to hell im going to make damn sure I save a few people on the way. I did the wrong thing with what I had. And yes I havr been abused,beaten, emotionally hurt repeatedly its part of it all. Ive already made the deal with God. Kill me,strike me down send ne straight to hell or leave me here with a purpose. Every day I feel sick and alone but thisnis God people his ways are above our ways. He knows who he picks he will finish his work in them.

To all these comments. I can relate perfectly. I have left my family and my life to follow jesus and I cannot tell you the amount of pain experienced each day . I am homeless, have no friends or family, and no happiness except God. This I what we must understand.. We must accept that we will suffer in this life so we can be rewarded in the next! All of the saints experienced a great deal of suffering but stuck it out because they chose this life. If you accept jesus, you kit accept that you will live to suffer for him . God says that the road to heaven is very narrow and only few make it. You must totally give yourself to God , leave everuthing behind and walk with God. If you do not do this, God will not accept you into his kingdom . FEAR GOD AND HIS WRATH! This is why you are all suffering , because you complain that he will not get you out of this mess when you have not even accepted your suffering for this world. This will not get you to heaven as you had already accepted the fact that you should be happy in this world- the devils world . How dare you speak of God as if he is nothing. Truly he will not accept you into his kingdom.

Jamie, I know God didn't tell you leave your family and everything to follow him, if this reasoning was true it would mean that I have to divorce my wife, leave my kids live my job and walk around all day just preaching. Do you know that Paul was a tent maker? Did he give up his profession? No, but he was still a strong man of God. Do you not read God's views on marriage?

Read his views on family life. Are you telling me that we are supposed to be poor, to preach the word?

That would make it difficult to carry the gospel around the world also look at Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, David, Solomon, job, just to name a few, these were all powerful men of God, we're they poor. If God wanted us to give it all away why would he bless us with it?

Let God be true and every man a liar, if we weren't supposed to prosper on this earth then you would be making God out to be a liar, read his promises. Christ himself was not a poor man, what poor man has a treasury, and who would cast lots for someone's clothes if they were normal. You suffer under the misconception that humility and godliness has to do with possessions, some of the strongest and nicest Christians have money and some of the nastiest people are poor but that means nothing. I can minister to just as much people or even more and don't have to give it all away, God doesn't care about the money he cares about the heart and I'm standing on his word he came thar we may have life and have it more abundantly. Abundance means lacking nothing and it doesn't say you will have it when you die it says you will have it now on earth, I serve a god of the living not the dead, so if you are giving everything away and leaving everything behind to serve God that's good for you but I will give him what he truly requires a broken heart and contrite spirit.

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