Feeling "unappreciated"!

I have been married for a year and a half, and I LOVE my husband dearly, but it drives me crazy when I have to constantly ask him to do things around the house...I.E. Garbage... He "Forgets" but does not "Forget" to play XBOX or sports. I cook,clean and I am the breadwinner of the house. It would be nice if I can get a "Thank you Honey" for doing a great job. I always praise him for bringing home an income and contributing to our household, knowing that I am the breadwinner. When I am having a bad day, he listens, gives me a hug and moves on with his day. He is loving and caring, but I just don't think HE HAS A CLUE! When I try to talk to him about my feelings, he says I am being too emotional. I get sick and tired of him always "forgetting" and now it is becoming reduntatnt. I just take out the garbage myself. When I get mad at him, and give him the silent treatment, he all of a sudden "REMEMBERS" to do it! I grew up in a house where my father took care of the chores without my mom EVER having to remind him. Am I just being a daddy's girl and acting like a spoiled brat, or do I have a legitimate case? Thanks for your response :)
kim5248 kim5248
4 Responses Jul 28, 2010

Hello Ladies.................you all sound youngish so I wonder if you have studied women's issues because that is what the basis of your complaints are put on, subconsciously, perhaps. It's not about math, it's about having a lazy slob of a husband who feels entitled. His mother contributed, for sure, and he is probably youngish too, so if you have children, fine, if you don't, do not have them because it only makes everything worse. Buy them when you're 40. When a guy becomes a man, he puts away the things of a child such as X-box, boats that are for fishing and drinking, ETC., thinking that the house is not his unless you try and take it from him, and you certainly can. It's a matter of "consiousness" and these men mostly want a Mom. I hear you refer to your fathers, well, they want mostly what their mothers gave them, even if they hung on a pole somewhere and made them do nothing. It's very interesting how this male/female thing is working out now, I was born in 1943 and women had had the right to vote since around 1927. Take classes on those matters and leave the Men are from Mars books alone, they are silly. And, my dears, it only gets worse as they age. I was married 10 years, then took ten off and now it's 26 years, with no kids. If he did not have the absolute perfect apartment on our second landing, I might be in jail now. I was 39 when I married him and my 82 year old aunt told me to get a house like I did because she knew that I would not be able to "take it." I had no idea what IT was then, but I do now. Don't threaten a man unless you are absolutely ready to make good on that threat. And always, always have your own money, your own job, your own identity. That is what makes you free. Even tho I am straight, I call these the "lesbian years" because unless you surround yourself with good women, you can't stand what you must stand if you love someone enough. And even if you do, do not tell your girlfriends anything that you can't tell him because then you have lost your best friend and that is all there is to marriage. Best friends. Young women must raise boys that are totally different, boys who live alone first before they marry, boys who are expected to fully care for themselves in all ways. At least that's all I can think needs doing which means that you women are in a pickle. I had hoped we were more advanced, but I don't see much coming from the women's movement anymore which leaves you with no where to really go, nothing to "kick against." Keep on being true to yourselves because way down, you know what you have to do. Economic times are tough and that may affect some of you, but human kindness and equality is an entirely different thing. Let old hubby see mounds of women's lib books lying all around the house. Then make him read them. <br />
Sincerely, Constance Newell RN/BS Allied Health Ed. PA

Thank you for your comments! These are great comments and great advice! We had a lonnngg talk and I did a combination of both! I told him to stop complaining about me complaining about him(l0l), build a bridge then get over it!, then I praised him the next day for REMEMBERING to take out the garbage! I praised him for remembering without me EVEN asking him! I utilzed both advice!

I hear what people are saying blah, blah ,blah. I to am the breadwinner in my family and in my household I got into a relationship for the teamwork aspect of the situation. He is one of those people that if one of his buddies ask him to do something he is old reliable but if I ask him to do anything like clean up your pile of clothes in the corner of the room he has a million and one reason's why he can't do it and half the time it doesn't make sense to me. He also is a pack rat and I have to make sure he is gone to work before I throw half of his crap away old magazines, old mail ( publishing sweepstakes). He even piles up the Ups boxes in the living room not broken down just piled up. If I can take a picture I will so everyone can see how disgusting this is. My Dad is a very organized and handy man and a did not marry that at all. I am on the verge of moving out of this house and leaving him in it in his own filth. Sorry for the vent session but my point is u r not alone. EXHALE!!!!!!!!

You're not being a spoilt brat, but you are setting yourself up for a lot of rows in your future if you don't change your behaviour. I suggest you read one of the books about the differences between men and women (Like why men don't listen and Women can't read Maps and others of that genre).<br />
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That was one of the most liberating books I have ever read,,, it made me understand that where women will do things because they know they need doing, men need the obvious explained to them in very clear terms. I once stayed with a friend whose husband had gone away on holiday without her and the children. She went upstairs with her small baby to have a nap, and I noticed that it looked like rain, so I brought in the washing and folded it up. She burst into tears when she realised what I had done, and said that her husband wouldn't have thought to do that in a million years. It was nothing - and I know that had our positions been reversed she'd have done the same too, without being asked. We're women.<br />
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I have a friend who is married to a man who is borderline Autistic, who refuses to "allow" him to get away with being how he is. She refuses to tell him how or what to do, and spends a lot of time complaining about he terrible he is, how stupid he is, how ridiculous it is that he doesn't hang up clothes properly etc. My view is that it is just plain silly to refuse to ask someone to do something and end up having a row about it. Men don't respond well to hints and sulks... they respond to direct instructions. Women think that's silly and maybe a bit rude... but believe me, it does work.<br />
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Instead of hoping that he will notice, or will see that you're upset, or notice that you have done it yourself, simply say: "I need you to take out the garbage for me today". Isn't that simpler than the alternative... hinting, getting upset and then doing it yourself?<br />
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My friend refuses to do this, and rails on and on about how her husband can do this and work it out for himself, so she doesn't see any reason why she should be expected to tell him wha to do - but I would like to bet that she expends a LOT more energy on complaining and rowing with him instead.<br />
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I particularly liked the illustration of the difference in the sexes - I *think* it was in the above book - which outlines how a wife tells her husband she is going to drop into the dry cleaners:<br />
"I've got to drop the chidren off at school today, and Maxine needs to take her trumpet, I suppose I might have time to get into town as I have to buy Nancy a birthday present...if I send her a card today that ought to get to her in time for her birthday - 39! hardly seem possible - and then I have to have coffee with Jane, but if you want me to I could drop your suit off at the cleaners, because I will be going past there if we go to the coffee shop on the corner of the high street and ponds road...."<br />
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If the man wants to tell the woman, he says "I'm going to the dry cleaners today,. want anything cleaned?"<br />
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Try telling him what you want him to do... yes, everytime. Do it clearly. Praise him if he does it. See if it doesn't work!