Endless Self-torture And Being Inside The Heartbreaker.

I've always been one to be addicted to the male attention.
I'd love the look they'd give me whenever I walked past, or if they suddenly complimented me out of no-where.
But it was always the shy ones, or the geeky ones to open up to me.
Get close and become really good friends with me.
Then eventually we'd find things in common, and get even closer.
Until BAM, we're in a relationship.
First few weeks go great..
See them everyday, etc. etc.
Then I get bored. Moodswings kick in, I start flipping out on them.
Then out of my life they go. First ever girlfriend, First ever expereince of being dumped.
But it's happened endless times.
I don't mean to do it. It's a cycle I can't break out of.
I don't mean to hurt people intentionally, I just don't understand what I'm doing, and love the feeling of it all at the time.

I miss the comfort of a long-term relationships, 1 year 1 week, without even do so much as 'snogging' (I'm british that means french kissing/with tongues)

It wouldn't just be relationships. Friendships too.
I'd constantly stab people in the back just to keep as many friends as possible.
Endless bitching just to turn around and say, 'hey you coming round mine tonight, we can watch movies and talk about cute guys'
I didn't mean to, I just felt alone. And at the time, I felt popular to an extent.

But now.
Now I have true friends.
True friends to look out for me, to protect me, to warn me.
I have my own company at 16.
Worth at least £2,000.
And i can't sell the company out because it'd mean brain surgery.
I am my company, my brain is what makes it.
But now i'm just scared people will use me for what I am.
Not who.

Just like I did before.

I'm sorry to anyone i've ever hurt, and apologise on behalf on what I don't want to happen in the future.
Thank you.
Kimakazi Kimakazi
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 30, 2010

you people need to blow yourself up and suck on it... stupid ******* stop being selfish

wow i seriously have never read something that describes excatly what im going through. Tis weird.