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What It Is Like Being A Transsexual Woman!

There is a Native American saying: “Do not judge anyone until you have walked two moons in their moccasins”

I am woman, and I am man. I’m every color, every belief, and every size. I am old, young, and everything in between. I have been here longer than you and not as long as you. I am a son. I am a daughter. I am married and single, a parent and without children. I am alone and surrounded by people I care about deeply.

And the saddest part about the above statement, although true, Is this fact, that I must live with! In my struggle for transition, especially being on estrogen, hormones and Spiro, for as long as I have, I am no longer a man! Nor will I EVER be a total woman! I am stuck somewhere in between! After many years of therapy and being treated by an endocrinologist, I do know this!
Physically, emotionally, mentally and in my heart of hearts, I am more a woman, which brings me piece of completeness which I have prayed for since childhood! That is my painful reality!

And as of this moment! It has been proven that I am some sort of genetic mistake by the medical world! Just take one moment to close your eyes and picture that I could be true that a person could be born in the wrong body! Think about how horrid and painful that would be! To be incarcerated for ever!

Like you, I am a human being filled with joys, fears, frustrations, and hopes and dreams. I feel, I laugh, and yes, I occasionally hurt! And like you I want to be understood and accepted, and appreciated. The following is about opening up to you----about sharing my feeling on just a few of the many aspects of my life and how they affect me. Perhaps you will to see me in a new and perhaps a much different light

I wish that you receive this with the same level of compassion and understanding that you wish from me. Chances are we’re not as different as you may think. Hear me, understand me and at least walk one moon in my moccasins!

I ask that as you read this with the same level of compassion and understanding that you wish for yourself. Chances are you are not so different. And just maybe you can meet in the middle to hear me and understand me.

Like you I have comfort zones that give me peace and a sense of stability. And just like you, my cage gets rattled when I have to change my habits by doing new and different things. You’re not the only one who is afraid of the unknown. But I do know that we have to adapt, grow and keep moving forward.

But, I know you can’t please everyone, someone is going to be chapped. That’s a reality and I accept that. But there is another reality that comes with being human. I care what you and others think about me. I especially care what you think about me when it comes to honesty, integrity and fairness. You always hear stories about me and without facts and form an opinion about me. I can’t defend myself and the facts are usually skewed. I fully understand that I must earn your trust and respect just as you must earn mine. And I am working on that. Maybe you could give me the same benefit of the doubt that you would wish from me. Before you judge me walk awhile in my shoes. The only thing worse than losing, is being denied the chance to win.

And remember the saying by Louis Nizer! “When you point your finger at me, remember that three of your fingers are pointing back at you!

I used to think a lot about the future. But now I just worry about getting through today alive and in one piece, figuring I would focus on crossing tomorrow’s bridges.

Do I have all the answers? No. In fact I have more questions than answers. I am so exhausted from thoughts of suicide, self-loathing and extreme isolation. I am a child of Diversity and I was born this way! The past is gone! The future is all that’s left.

This is what I ask of you! Appreciate the fact that my life is no easier that yours. I’ve got a tough life too. Don’t assume the worst of me. I don’t wake up in the morning asking “How can I make life miserable for someone today” I think neither do you. Talk to me instead of talking to others. With more understanding, we can meet in the middle and walk the rest of the way together.

The best mind altering drug is the truth!

So many of us have suffered the loss of family in becoming
the human beings we were meant to be.

There were so many times when I hesitated and questioned the cost of transition, not only the financial burden but the true cost I would pay in losing so much of my former life.

Because others simply cannot accept that their reality isn't necessarily my reality. And that it is my reality, and not theirs, in which each of us must live in order to survive.

I have astruggled to exist in the Lie because I was born with an identity that did not match my body. I have gone to extreme measures to help others love me by striving desperately
to live their expectations for, and of me. I have even managed to live out nearly my entire life existing on the edge of sanity for the sake of acceptance and what passes for love in our society.

I don't have that kind of strength anymore and I discovered that I didn't need "that kind" of love, nor do I want to love anyone else so much that I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and eventually my life simply because they couldn't accept me for who I am.

So I will quit questioning the cost of transition because I decided that, what I am really "buying" is my own life.

There's a quote I like from a movie character that has often been satirized in the media, .the movie was Shawshank Redemption, the character was Red (played by Morgan Freeman) and the quote is simply this ".Get busy living or get busy dying."

I spent most of my life trying to sit on the fence in between the two and what's funny about that, is that there isn't any there! There is life and there is death and nothing in between the two. And the choice is mine to make. There is no pain in death it’s one of the reasons so many of us look to make it our choice.

There is no love, no anger, no fear, no humiliation, no rejection, no hate, no depression, no loneliness, the list goes on for what there "isn't" in death and it's a very long list because it incorporates everything in life...everything.

We have all made that choice and sometimes we struggle but we're here, and that means our realities exist, and are just as valid as those of the people who would deny me for the sake of their own comfort.

I need not ever face this kind of battle again alone and isolated, nor do I need doubt that finding my true self and living as I choose to present myself, and feel it is ever wrong, it isn't.

For those who find they cannot live with me as I am, then let them live without Me and in time they will discover the loss and feel the emptiness left where My love used to be

It's a void that cannot be filled by righteous indignation, self-serving feelings of betrayal, or immature embarrassment at the life-celebrating actions of another. It's a void that will last a lifetime and be felt by the generations who follows and inherits the actions of their parents

And it is to them that I must show the most patience and love because it is through no fault of their own that they were born in an age of intolerance and self-serving egocentrism.

I will look to the future when my grandchildren have grown up hearing about this mystery person, maybe half remembered, which became someone else and was shunned for doing so. I promise when they become young adults (teenagers off to college etc.) that they will want to contact me because, if nothing else, the curiosity will drive them crazy. It's then that they will come to know me as I would like them to know me, and not as those around them may have portrayed me.

I feel I am a wonderful, courageous, and loving person! So I smile, knowing that I am here and that I care. I will make this my motto: Noli nothis permittere te terere! (Don't let the bastards get
me down).

Thank you at least for reading this!

I am Jamie Lee! She is me and I am her!





Jamie Lee

6/20/11
JamieLee1 JamieLee1 51-55, F 23 Responses Jun 20, 2011

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Thank you so very much Jamie lee for your very special story, layered with so much depth, full of heart, love, and truth. My tears flowed freely, feeling touched and thrilled by the familiarity of your experience, the eloquence in the way you conveyed the turmoil of being "two-spirited"....I send you all my love.
Thank you so very much for sharing...for all of us that share in your experience.

Thank you for being and sharing! So real ... There is a lot more to life and our personal identities and values than simply our gender roles (identity/feelings/behavior and appearance), yet we must remain true to ourselves in order to be true to our values. And part of our true values is to love regardless, so we get to turn the other cheeks as we walk away from those who will not or cannot open their minds to our hearts.
But we never stop loving them ... even as we declare "Vos bastardi, vos non potestis conteret me!"

I don't believe anyone's just "born in the wrong body". It has something to do with the influence of hormones...I'm sure.

That COULD be genetic though...but to be "born in the wrong body" is such a silly thing to say to me. Some cosmos didn't lead you live the life you are out of torture.

No..I can guarantee that it has something to do with hormones and the chemical make-up/errors in your brain.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Causes.aspx has remarks corroborating your theory ... perhaps born with additional identity challenges because of hormonal inconsistencies? Then we open up the door for why? Metaphysical interpretations of Quantum mechanics suggest we might have had a part in determining where we'd be incarnated (curious, if not empirically substantiated). Fact is, from before birth, something was amiss. It could be equally asserted that we were "born with the wrong brain".

Note, this discontinuity of identity is no longer considered a "Disorder" nor a "mental illness" by the current APA DSM V ... and historically this phenomena has been documented in almost all cultures (some more or less accepting of it) in all times and places at what is believed to be a relatively steady statistical level .. it is not simply a modern western concept. Whatever the cause, the manifestation is and the semantics and or metaphors are not particularly important except in the understanding of how it FEELS.

I love your story. It let me know that I'm on the right track . thank you. love & kisses

Yes you are, please also follow my Blog:
http://jamieleescrystalconnection.wordpress.com

jlcrystalconnection@gmail.com

Hugs
Jamie Lee

You feel great and special, The only thing that worries me about is being on date. I jus find it very impossible. I found this article http://howtodatealadyboy.com/dating-transsexual-women it is said to be a true t life story but i don't know I don't know it can be that realistic. What do you think?

Jamie,<br />
I'm awe struck with your post! I know its over a year old but as you know being new here I came across it and it really struck a chord in me. My heart goes out to you and against the demons you face from the outside. It never ceases to amaze me about the intolerance of society and our loved ones. The loved ones can hurt the most but everything does also. We can only hope that time will allow us to be acceptable but I'm sure it won't be during my lifetime, maybe during yours.<br />
VivianV

Thank you for sharing!

ladies .girls madame all you have so perfect ilove to read your story and comment so great honets open girls love you all kisses for all

It's how all of us feel but rarely get said you say it with the passion I feel as a woman,thank you.<br />
<br />
Shell

Sweetie your welcome. I am tired of being attacked by these people.

A STATEMENT TO SCIAdvocate! <br />
<br />
Look, with all due respect. I am sick and tired of Religious Zealots, in my life.<br />
You sort of accuse me of worshiping an false idol! Are you insane? I just like you pray to a creator and a God. You choose to now believe, that I have constructed some type of idol. Bullshit! Why don't you instead of crowding up my site with you opinions. And that's all they are! Just get it over with and post the whole bible on here. Jeeze.<br />
<br />
You interpret things in your life that you see fit! God Bless you, and if that helps you get through life. Great. If that helps you believe in what heaven is on the other side. Then wonderful! I am happy for you. <br />
<br />
YOU SAID IN YOUR LAST POST TO ME " It does not matter to me what lifestyle you live whether you be straight,bisexual,homosexual,transgendered,whether you hurt me emotionally or whether you hurt me physically like the four guys that broke my neck and rendered me paralyzed from the neck down. I still love each and every one of you the same and for those who have hurt me emotionally and physically I still love you and forgive you no matter how bad the pain you caused me. "<br />
<br />
Are you nuts. First of all. I am saying this one more time! DON'T FORGIVE ME! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DAMMIT. THAT IS MY CHOICE. DON'T JUDGE ME! DON'T TRY TO TEACH ME! DON'T TRY TO SAVE ME! BECAUSE IN MY CORNER OF THE WORLD, I BELIEVE IT IS GOD, A CREATOR, WHO IS LOVING, PURE, INFINITE, AND PERFECT.<br />
<br />
And by the way I also believe possibly, that God is all humanity! I believe that God is male, female, and everything! <br />
<br />
I have respectfully, tried to give you some in site! Some new ideas about life. And you accuse me and all the transgendered community of being sinners! You ***! That is an opinion formulated in your mind! You are not God!<br />
<br />
And let me tell you something! PAL! It seemed you accused me of hurting you! Like the four guys that broke your neck. I am sorry! But It wasn't ME! You then say that you woll continue to love me because of possibly hurting you emotionally. I DIDN'T DO THAT EITHER. In fact, by your Religious rambling, you may be seriously hurting some one on here EMOTIONALLY, Did you ever think about that? <br />
<br />
Look Sir, with all due respect I am done arguing with you! I am done responding to you. I wish you the best! I hope your dreams are successful. <br />
<br />
I am going to leave your posts and mine on here for one week! Then I am going to delete all of our posts. End of story, end of discussion. One thing I feel you need to do is address your anger! for what has been done to you! I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

it is a lovely story from jamie lee.when she put forth her heart,my eyes were watering..i love you

Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually ... heart, mind and soul. Yes, we are who we are in every way but one. <br />
<br />
Thanks for writing you story. I captures many of my feelings and emotions too. Thanks for writing this story.<br />
<br />
Be safe and well always. Be safe on your journey, you lead the way for many of us. Yes, we are sisters of the heart.<br />
<br />
Don't let them get you down, be yourself always!

I am not going to judge you, even though you seem to be judging transgendered people. You are absolutly correct when you say God, and Jesus Christ don't make mistakes. So the thought that I, and my pastor share is that God created people like me to help others go through some of lifes difficulties. I am sorry that you think that you know God's plan, better than he does.

WOW Thank you !!! for your statement.

I agree with Beeb1, 100%. Some people in our Transgendered community are disgusting. And Society looks at us as if were are all like them!<br />
<br />
I believe that if you look like a duck and walk like a duck! Then you're a duck!<br />
<br />
Femininity is precious and so important to me, that I feel we should, dress, act like, and show total respect towards Natal Women. So they will respect us for who we are, learn from them , and to receive the blessing of being almost as divine as them...............................So many Transgendered individuals have hidden agendas. I beg you to realize that we all are not like that.<br />
<br />
I am Jamie Lee, a Transsexual Woman............................

Thank you for sharing your wounderful wisdom. I have been transgendered for as long as I can remember, but kept it a disgusting secret until 1995. At that time I became sober, and made the decision to live who I truly was. I have two children and they have been very supportive from the very begining. That has made my life a lot easier, and I have 8 grandchildren who all call me grandma.<br />
<br />
One thing you wrote about was caring how others think about you. I do agree, but in order for me to keep from going crazy, I have adopted the rule that what you or anyone else thinks about me is none of my business. Your thoughts and ideas are yours alone, just as mine are mine.<br />
<br />
Again thanks for sharing your wisdom, and I look forward to reading more in the future.<br />
<br />
As Always<br />
Kathy

"The best mind altering drug is the truth!" love it

Wow its a wonderful post! Here in EP have a few story which should everybody read, and if he or she didn't understood at the first time, than read again.

True words for a lot of us, thanks for bringing to life.

Jamie Lee: we share the same size shoes. Thank you for sharing.

This is so true and so beautiful, thank you for writing it.

I love everything you write dear. I grow closer and closer to you every time I read your eloquent thoughts. I feel as though we are sisters. Thank you for your wisdom and your willingness to share yourself with the rest of us.

Awesom....... I myself am still on that fence and as much as I want to don't see my self getting off on either side in the near future too many people will be hurt deeply if I were to come out and there is no possible way for me to totally forget my inner woman so another day of living in my own mind and only a few knowing the real me.

Hello Jamie Lee,<br />
<br />
I'm Cate, we have never met, yet we are sisters. We both share experiences, pain, joys, laughter, tears, anguish and exhiliration that only a very few ever will. Every word you wrote touched my soul as I feel them too. I'm here too, standing tall and proud, along side you. <br />
<br />
I am Cate O'Malley. Nothings going to stop me now!