Maybe Its Me, How Do I Know?

I have been in a relationship for 5+ years and we got married this past year. Our relationship is a mess. I love him more than anything in the world. I love my husband. I want to fix out relationship and im sure Im not a 100% innocent party here but I only see my side of this so here it is?

He is quick to anger and seems to live in his own world. Although he knows I cannot stand being cussed at he very often calls me bnames anyways... not just little ones... ***** ****.... those ones. I feel like Im breaking into a million pieces everytime he calls me a nasty name. I grew up abused and just want treated like a human by someone someday. Once in our relationship he drunk and hit me. I called the police. He said he didnt remember it and says that im exadgeratin gthe details but Im not. He said hes sorry "if he did those things" and that he wont ever do it again. I tried to put it behind me but everytime he gets mad he gets angry and reminds me that hes bigger than me, by getting in my space. He says things like "If your so afraid of me then why do you get me mad" like I have any control over how angry he lets himslef get.
We do have sex but not when we are fighting. We seldom go 3 days without him angry and yelling so its less often than I would like but I dont want him touching me if thats all I am.

I work part time and go to college full time. When we disagree he often says "why dont you leave?" He likes to remind me that I dont make any money right now and that our house we just bought together is HIS, not mine, and that a judge wouldnt give it to me. I used to have a fulltime job but he convinced me that I should focus on school full time, but now it seems like its a tool to control me, not a caring decision based on our future, I feel so worthless and dependent on him.

I keep our house very clean, laundry done, We have children, but none together. I do homework with our children. Cook all our meals even make him his plate each night. Im not controlling I try to make him happy by supporting him when he wants to do something that will make him happy like bowling with the guys and cards or watching the game, buying a new gun, tv, electronic junk, whatever. I just want him to be happy. Im not lazy, I even put up fenceposts on our farm when needed. I dontknow what wrong with me to make me still not good enough for his respect!!!!!!!!!!!

noteverygoldfishgetsacastle noteverygoldfishgetsacastle
8 Responses Dec 5, 2011

sounds like your marriage is almost like mine. Do you ever think that some day if things just dont work out, that they would regret on how they treated us, and that everttime they talk to us was nothing but mean words, just to hurt us, I wonder that all the time, because my husband says those hurtfull things to me, and then try to make up for it by buying me things, or pay attention to me, only for a few days, then back to reality, I am lost. But if you are still on, would be interested in talking.

Woman, get yourself together. You are a smart cookie, and you know it. But your light is (intentionally) being hid under a bushel by your control-freak husband. He is giving you small doses of the "real him" by teaching you how to respond to him. It's time to nip that in the bud. <br />
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Once you've read the above paragraph a few times you will start to remember how smart and strong you are, or once were. It'll come back to you. As it does, use your head. Remember that conditioning doesn't have to be one-sided. You have to condition him right back. <br />
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He is using the most effective tools to get to you. Do it back to him. Think of something that bothers, intimidates, frightens, or truly annoys him. Whether it's ignoring him, walking away while he's speaking, staying out longer than he expected without calling, whatever it is. Write down a list if you have to. Read it. Keep it in your purse. Then, when needed, pull the tool out of your arsenal and throw it at him. REMIND him that his behavior won't be tolerated. See him as a little boy who is trying to get his way (because that's exactly what he's doing). He may have seen his parents do it, now he's doing it. <br />
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I don't mind saying this, but, train him like a dog. His little episodes have to be diffused before they grow into major problems. Because, untreated, they will. And you know it. You know how abuse works. It only works when one person is willing to accept it. Don't be willing to accept it. Fight fire with fire. Get a ba<x>seball bat if necessary. <br />
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I recommend you read the article "How Shamu Saved My Marriage." Google it. <br />
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Sorry if my methods seem harsh, but you are growing your own personal monster. If you want the behavior to change - make it change. <br />
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Good luck.

In the middle of the month we got into a dumb argument over something once again not worth fighting over. He went to his parents for the weekend and I packed my bags and left. It was a hard choice and the right one. He asked me to come home but I refused to come home until a counseling session had taken place and a plan to fix this mess was in place. We saw a counselor the following weekend and then twice since. I think he really sees the problem but weekly counseling will keep him reminded that we have REAL problems and our counselor is great!

He needs to do anger management counselling. Bottom line is that he is not happy within himself and places the blame on you. You also need to do counselling to regain your inner strength. It must be made clear that physical abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. If the abuse continues then it is time to get out.

Why on earth would you want to be with a man like that? Each time you let him get away with it you're giving him permission to abuse you again because he see's you as weak. Pack your bags, get out and if he really loves you like he undoubtably tells you he does, let HIM show you by getting HIMSELF into therapy and sorting himself out! It will only get worse and in your heart you probably know that!

I need some help to make him see that he is hurting me. I think he believes the fights are not effecting us long term, but what he dont know is hes slowly packing my bags for me. I dont want to leave, I want to be with him and for us to be happy, together.

It's NOT you, it's him!!!! I feel your pain. Men/husbands just seem to SUCK!! Don't allow abuse, EVER, either verbal or physical....EVERY woman deserves better than this. It's hard to just up and leave when we have children, I know this first hand. Stuck in my own miserable marriage now, for that very reason. EP is a wonderful place to vent and let it all out.

sorry about the typos, we got into an arguement about an hour ago and Im very upset right now :(