Married And Alone Because Of Medical Circumstances

Believe me I am happily married and have been for many years. Unfortunately my wife has cancer and the prognosis does not look very good. She has been fighting now for close to 3 years. As you can imagine she does not feel sexy at all and does not even want to be touched.
I, on the other hand still have needs that I want satisfied. I went onto the web and found sites that offered unencumbered sex, but could not bring myself to follow through. Even though I really felt the need for sex there was something that stopped me. I cannot explain it to myself. I always thought that it would be easy to take a lover, but for me it was not.
The result is obvious, I have to take care of myself and I really battled. I have turned to urethral sounding and I still feel as if I am cheating. How do I explain this to myself.
I suppose if I knew somebody for a while and got comfortable with the idea of sleeping with them I might be able to. What also concerns me is if I would be able to come to the party as such. I do not know. I would not consider paying for sex as it would have no feeling for me. Maybe in my mind I have linked love and sex together and this has created a barrier for me.
At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is hurt my wife, but I still have needs. This sounds crazy to me but that is reality for me. Am I normal?
gordonmj gordonmj
56-60, M
4 Responses Oct 10, 2012

My heart goes out to you. Unfulfilled or inadequately fulfilled sexual desire is actually the norm for most people a large portion of their lives. Feeling depressed about it is not. You may respond well to treatment for depression/anxiety. In any case, I would talk to your doctor who may refer you to a mental health specialist. Extrapolating from your post, it would seem that unfaithfulness to your struggling wife would NOT make you a happier person, and could in fact create a downward spiral of guilt and self-loathing. You've got to find a way of coping that won't make your problem worse, and I hope you do very soon!

u know what how can u think of yourself and things like sex while ur wife is sick. she doesn't feel sexy maybe because of u too. u must love her. u knee that her prognosis was bad so u must love her more. life is too short dude

I don't know how to direct you to another person's story, so here is the full text of his (I am in same boat):

I Miss Cuddling
Maybe I'm Weird....
Let's face it, us males have been often been accused of wanting nothing but sex whereas women want to be hugged, caressed, kissed, and cuddled, not just hurried off to the bedroom. Well, I am here to declare that this is one guy who feels the same way! Maybe I have too many female hormones or maybe I am just weird but as much as I love intimacy, I miss cuddling and affection most of all! Yes, it's true. I can go for a while without physical intimacy of a more sexual kind. I don't like to, but I can manage. But, without hugs, kisses, and cuddling, I shrivel up emotionally and physically! Sometimes I just need to be held! I know that sounds strange coming from a man---and an older man at that---but I am telling the truth here! I get so little of it these days, but is something that I desire so much!! I will be honest enough to say that while I might be able to resist sexual temptation fairly well, it would be very difficult for me to resist someone who would hold me close and cuddle with me.

I am opposite. I have a man that does not want sex... I think ED, but will not address it. I have committed to marraige and given up on sex. easier for a woman, I guess. I faught it for a while, but gave up. it has been over 1.5 years. I also had a span of 4 years. He made me feel guilty, but now know it is NOT me!
I feel for you! wish I had a reason, but don't... just does not care!