Does Anyone's Spouse Dismisses Their Feelings?.

Anyone experience their spouse not allowing them to express themselves freely?
My husband refuses to allow me to get angry, frustrated, or just plain upset over anything. It is like any negative feeling is not allowed or he says "affects him"and most of the time it (the source) will have absolutely nothing to do with him at all!!!

I could be in another room or over the baby monitor in some cases and he will get so angry at me for say...stubbing my toe and saying S****! and he will tell me "just calm down! just calm down!" as if I am flying off the handle about something. It sucks because when I try to explain myself calmly that it had nothing to do with him or why I was feeling a certain way he will say I am over reacting and here I go again and that i need to control myself. It is getting very frustrating and resentful that I can't fully express myself.

I told him the other day I was dealing with somethings and he didn't want to deal with them. Every time we have a discussion or some fight about whatever and i try to tell him my side or how I feel I am completely dismissed and not validated and I have told him this but he refuses to listen. now I am to the point I don't tell him how I feel or anything about my day because I feel it doesn't matter anymore and he doesn't understand.

I believe it stems from his childhood...he is not the favored son and his mom and dad are both non-emotional, passionless people. It sounds insensitive to say this but its mother wasn't the nurturing type and has some control and passive aggressive issues herself and treats her husband like a dog.
feistypepper feistypepper
26-30, F
10 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Wow! I am so glad that I read this. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who has had this experience. I have spent my entire 45 year marriage having my feelings dismissed by my husband. I have to take antidepressants just to keep my sanity. As a result, whenever I try to express my feelings, he says I need to go to the doctor & get more drugs. Of course, nothing is ever his fault. It's all on me because I'm the crazy one. I have stayed in this marriage because we have a beautiful family & I have strong religious beliefs against divorce, but I would be perfectly happy being a single woman.

Exactly what I have been going through for the last couple years...finally broke it off with my is torture living that way. They make you feel like you are crazy and make you question your every emotion and glad i left..also my boyfriend had emotionless parents..

My wife treats me very similarly. If I try to talk about something that is upsetting me, even in a calm way, she says she doesn't want to hear about it. If I ask her to listen, even calmly, she yells back at me with a fury. It sure puts me in my place. It makes me feel very alone and dismissed. I have not found the solution, other than to remain silent and try to keep on a happy face.

I 100% understand this. My fiance reacts the EXACT..I mean EXACT same way...over NOTHING! Seriously, if I just get upset about something, even completely unrelated to him, he gets like, I don't know, annoyed that I'm upset. He gets annoyed and tries to tell me how I'm angry all the time etc etc etc which isn't even remotely true. When I was younger, before he knew me, this may have been true, but for good reasons. I have grown so incredibly much, though. I'm not even REMOTELY close to being like I used to be. Anyway, my point is I very much related to your post. I'm sorry, I wish i could give you something useful, but I'm in the same boat :(. At least we're not alone?

I feel the exact same way. I can't talk to my husband about anything because he won't understand me or doesn't know how to comfort me. Instead it feels like he is against me or simply telling me to suck it up. At this point I don't want to open to him at all about anything. I would rather just live my life separately from him. I feel like id be happier alone than being with him

When communication starts to struggle, it is quite common to "feel like he/she is against me" or that they are "simply telling me to suck it up"... I struggle with that regularly when talking with my wife... and it causes me to want to shut down the communication completely... which never helps. Her personality is very "black and white" and she often speaks in terms of "always and never"... which is difficult for me to deal with when those terms are directed at me. I am learning that I need to stay calmly engaged in the conversation... realizing that her words are not necessarily what she really believes... they are just how she is wired inside. If I can stay calm, emotionally, I can continue to share and avoid the "I don't want to open to her at all about anything" reaction that I used to so naturally have...

I'm happy that you are able to overcome that habit. It shows you are a strong person... I'm not sure if I would be able to do it but it's a good idea :)

It takes a bit of work to train ourselves to react differently... but we can do it... you can do it. The first step is to learn to recognize when you are reacting negatively... and to just stop talking and be still... to slow down the conversation.

Yeah. I'll do that next time if I work up the courage to open up again. It's been hard because I had moved to anther country for him and had gotten depressed with all of the change and he never understood and had always criticized me for it

1 More Response

I hear you loud and clear.I react with no emotion to him anymore.I waiting for him to get bored and leave.I'm empty.He tells everyone I abuse him.I support but thats not important.He doesn't clean either.My house looks in shambles since we met.I honestly see no worry in his eyes when I've been seriously ill.He hung the phone up on me before I was going into surgery.I am the stupidet human on earth.If I were to tell you all of it and the noises he makes.I wince when he kisses me.I feel lost when he's gone.I told him he makes me feel irrelevant.It goes round and round.Part of me wishes I were dead.I'm in therapy now.

You are so much nicer than I am. Without a moments hesitation, I would take charge of the situation and not allow him to tell me how to act. I bet you would not allow anyone else to mistreat you like that....

oh dear, I could have written this..

I have been married 11 years and this is almost the entire source of our issues. If I think something is wrong or want to talk...I get "lighten up" or "it's not a big deal" or "give me a break". It has gotten so bad that I am on the verge of leaving him. We have gone to counseling and the counselor directly said to him "when you do this, you are disregarding her feelings, like she does not matter"

I have built up so resentment that I do not know if it is repairable.We finally discussed an issue from the beginning of our marriage that I have carried for 11 years. We talked and he ultimately apologized and said a few things, but at this point, I don't know if I his apology is sincere or just trying to pacify me.

How long have you been married? I reccomend addressing this now. If you cannot speak to him or get to marriage counseling, in my opinion, it isn't worth continuing on in a marriage this way. It WILL only get worse if not addressed. The way I look at is this...every time he dismisses your feelings or does not let you feel, you hold it in until all the little things pile up. And then, like me, the pile is too much too work through. There is too much resentment and I am not sure it will ever go away.

I am sorry you hurt this way, I know it all too well. Demand these things be discussed. Communication is the foundation of a good marriage and if he continues to behave this way, he is just proving that he does not care about your feelings and you are not important to him.

Do you think asking him for a patient hearing is the least he can do?after all the concept of marriage is for both of you.dont get discouraged.councelling and opening your heart out always helps.


But between my wife and I it plays out in a somewhat different way. When we are involved in a discusion on a significant issue in our marriage over which we disagree... and she feels that she wants to just end the discussion... She will tell me "I guess I'm just not a very good wife. You probably wish that you never married me." She has done this several times over the years when I have expressed a differing opinion from hers. It effectively ends the conversation. And I've learned that expressing my feelings on some topics just isn't useful... so I just keep quite and stuff my feelings back inside...