Post

Does Anyone's Spouse Dismisses Their Feelings?.

Anyone experience their spouse not allowing them to express themselves freely?
My husband refuses to allow me to get angry, frustrated, or just plain upset over anything. It is like any negative feeling is not allowed or he says "affects him"and most of the time it (the source) will have absolutely nothing to do with him at all!!!

I could be in another room or over the baby monitor in some cases and he will get so angry at me for say...stubbing my toe and saying S****! and he will tell me "just calm down! just calm down!" as if I am flying off the handle about something. It sucks because when I try to explain myself calmly that it had nothing to do with him or why I was feeling a certain way he will say I am over reacting and here I go again and that i need to control myself. It is getting very frustrating and resentful that I can't fully express myself.

I told him the other day I was dealing with somethings and he didn't want to deal with them. Every time we have a discussion or some fight about whatever and i try to tell him my side or how I feel I am completely dismissed and not validated and I have told him this but he refuses to listen. now I am to the point I don't tell him how I feel or anything about my day because I feel it doesn't matter anymore and he doesn't understand.

I believe it stems from his childhood...he is not the favored son and his mom and dad are both non-emotional, passionless people. It sounds insensitive to say this but its true...is mother wasn't the nurturing type and has some control and passive aggressive issues herself and treats her husband like a dog.
feistypepper feistypepper 26-30, F 6 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I feel the exact same way. I can't talk to my husband about anything because he won't understand me or doesn't know how to comfort me. Instead it feels like he is against me or simply telling me to suck it up. At this point I don't want to open to him at all about anything. I would rather just live my life separately from him. I feel like id be happier alone than being with him

When communication starts to struggle, it is quite common to "feel like he/she is against me" or that they are "simply telling me to suck it up"... I struggle with that regularly when talking with my wife... and it causes me to want to shut down the communication completely... which never helps. Her personality is very "black and white" and she often speaks in terms of "always and never"... which is difficult for me to deal with when those terms are directed at me. I am learning that I need to stay calmly engaged in the conversation... realizing that her words are not necessarily what she really believes... they are just how she is wired inside. If I can stay calm, emotionally, I can continue to share and avoid the "I don't want to open to her at all about anything" reaction that I used to so naturally have...

I'm happy that you are able to overcome that habit. It shows you are a strong person... I'm not sure if I would be able to do it but it's a good idea :)

It takes a bit of work to train ourselves to react differently... but we can do it... you can do it. The first step is to learn to recognize when you are reacting negatively... and to just stop talking and be still... to slow down the conversation.

Yeah. I'll do that next time if I work up the courage to open up again. It's been hard because I had moved to anther country for him and had gotten depressed with all of the change and he never understood and had always criticized me for it

1 More Response

I hear you loud and clear.I react with no emotion to him anymore.I waiting for him to get bored and leave.I'm empty.He tells everyone I abuse him.I support but thats not important.He doesn't clean either.My house looks in shambles since we met.I honestly see no worry in his eyes when I've been seriously ill.He hung the phone up on me before I was going into surgery.I am the stupidet human on earth.If I were to tell you all of it and the noises he makes.I wince when he kisses me.I feel lost when he's gone.I told him he makes me feel irrelevant.It goes round and round.Part of me wishes I were dead.I'm in therapy now.

You are so much nicer than I am. Without a moments hesitation, I would take charge of the situation and not allow him to tell me how to act. I bet you would not allow anyone else to mistreat you like that....

oh dear, I could have written this..

I have been married 11 years and this is almost the entire source of our issues. If I think something is wrong or want to talk...I get "lighten up" or "it's not a big deal" or "give me a break". It has gotten so bad that I am on the verge of leaving him. We have gone to counseling and the counselor directly said to him "when you do this, you are disregarding her feelings, like she does not matter"

I have built up so resentment that I do not know if it is repairable.We finally discussed an issue from the beginning of our marriage that I have carried for 11 years. We talked and he ultimately apologized and said a few things, but at this point, I don't know if I his apology is sincere or just trying to pacify me.

How long have you been married? I reccomend addressing this now. If you cannot speak to him or get to marriage counseling, in my opinion, it isn't worth continuing on in a marriage this way. It WILL only get worse if not addressed. The way I look at is this...every time he dismisses your feelings or does not let you feel, you hold it in until all the little things pile up. And then, like me, the pile is too much too work through. There is too much resentment and I am not sure it will ever go away.

I am sorry you hurt this way, I know it all too well. Demand these things be discussed. Communication is the foundation of a good marriage and if he continues to behave this way, he is just proving that he does not care about your feelings and you are not important to him.

Do you think asking him for a patient hearing is the least he can do?after all the concept of marriage is for both of you.dont get discouraged.councelling and opening your heart out always helps.

YES!

But between my wife and I it plays out in a somewhat different way. When we are involved in a discusion on a significant issue in our marriage over which we disagree... and she feels that she wants to just end the discussion... She will tell me "I guess I'm just not a very good wife. You probably wish that you never married me." She has done this several times over the years when I have expressed a differing opinion from hers. It effectively ends the conversation. And I've learned that expressing my feelings on some topics just isn't useful... so I just keep quite and stuff my feelings back inside...

Me too!!!!!
I am unable to EVER tell this man how I feel about anything! He will dismiss me or become crtical about anything that comees out of my mouth!! I am not married to this man so I can take a walk when ever I want but I seem to be "stuck" however, I am getting resentful and very close to a move. I ask my self why am I here? Do I think I deserve this lack of respect, not to mention we have not made love going on 3 months. I miss it! I miss him and I am tired of feeling like I am begging this man for attention. Some days I throw my hands in the air asking " what does it matter" ? I know I need to be REALLY sick and tired of being sick and tired and one day I will walk. So close, so very close!!! I listen to his storys and he repeats them often and I even act like its the first time I have heard them. When I need him to listen he sighs, acts like I am the most boring person hes ever talked to so I find myself saying nothing. I am sick of me acting like a whipped puppy, poor poor pitiful me! I have just been one of "those" that stay loyal until the bitter end. That is something I want to stay far from, I don't want to be bitter! One day, I will find my ovaries and take a walk. I just need to leave when I am out of love, as I will feel like I short changed me again! I want all of us to snap the hell out of it and move on!!! Good luck to you, me and them~~~~

Me too!!!!!
I am unable to EVER tell this man how I feel about anything! He will dismiss me or become crtical about anything that comees out of my mouth!! I am not married to this man so I can take a walk when ever I want but I seem to be "stuck" however, I am getting resentful and very close to a move. I ask my self why am I here? Do I think I deserve this lack of respect, not to mention we have not made love going on 3 months. I miss it! I miss him and I am tired of feeling like I am begging this man for attention. Some days I throw my hands in the air asking " what does it matter" ? I know I need to be REALLY sick and tired of being sick and tired and one day I will walk. So close, so very close!!! I listen to his storys and he repeats them often and I even act like its the first time I have heard them. When I need him to listen he sighs, acts like I am the most boring person hes ever talked to so I find myself saying nothing. I am sick of me acting like a whipped puppy, poor poor pitiful me! I have just been one of "those" that stay loyal until the bitter end. That is something I want to stay far from, I don't want to be bitter! One day, I will find my ovaries and take a walk. I just need to leave when I am out of love, as I will feel like I short changed me again! I want all of us to snap the hell out of it and move on!!! Good luck to you, me and them~~~~

Why did this post twice? I am sorry my friends reading it once is certainly enough!