Sexless Marriages


If you are not in one you probably know someone who is. I am in one. Before I go on, less than 10 times per year or so is a sexless marriage. The Americans call it DINS. (Dual Income No Sex) - Don't laugh, it is real.   For years I struggled with my obsession with sex until I realized the fault is not mine. I want sex, but I am not getting it and here is my epiphany. My revelation.   If you look at a brick house (face brick or not yet plastered) what do you see? Bricks. In your marriage the bricks represent love and are the building blocks you need. Now look closer. Between the bricks. What do you see? Mortar, cement. It is what holds the bricks together. In marriage it represents passion, lust, chemistry. And that is far less than the bricks by such a huge margin, but take it away and the house will not be able to weather the storms.   When you get married they say 'and do you promise to forsake all others'. And you do. But woman so often only heard to 'forsake all'. (Some men too) Now listen up ladies. (And men) No sex means no marriage! If you are not having sex you are not married. You are friends with a contract, or business partners.   What is sex? Sex does not necessarily mean penetration. What's wrong with a good snog or a cuddle, with oral sex, massage, foreplay and naughty tickling? I want all those things. Men must realize that sex is more than penetration and that bad sex leads to no sex and as stated before no sex means no marriage. But woman are also responsible in the bad sex category. You must tell him what you want, what you like and dislike. If you do not you are expecting him to read your mind and I, for one, cannot! I want sex.
I want all kinds of sex and I want to experiment because I have not yet done all these things. I like blue movies because it shows me things I don't know and also because it turns me on to see naked people having sex (yes the ladies turns me on - get over it!). I know sex like a **** star is for cameras but amateur sex is like we all do it just kinky. I want to feel. I want my wife to have bedroom eyes now and then and seduce me or even force me. I want someone who talks to me and tell me how they feel or how I make her feel. No amount of love will ever be able to make a friendship into a marriage. You may love enough to die for each other but without a feeling of passion, lust, want, it is only a friendship.   But this is no excuse for bad sex. If you think sex is humping like a dog you are wrong, boet. Try massaging her for half an hour before sex. Or oral sex till your jaw falls off. Try new things and different ways. At least try other things than just in and out. I don't care if you have a 35 inch **** as big you're arm. No foreplay still means one dimensional, boring sex. She may like it but I guarantee that another man with a smaller **** can excite her better and even give her a better ******. A woman has a mouth, breasts and a vagina. (And an *** for those who think I missed that) I know, they know, you know, we all know. Now get over it! That is less than 10% of a woman's body. What are you doing with the rest? Connect the dots and play. Tickle sensually. Caress. Massage Kiss her all over until she wants more. Tell her dirty stories and not just "Uhhh, I wanna f... you so hard, the neighbors will wake up" or "Suck my c.. b.. !" (If that turns her on, Hallelujah Brother! - but most woman want some level of intelligence - We left the hairy ape phase eons ago) Wake up and smell her body. She is beautiful and sensual and sexy and glorious and she is yours.   Now it is true that sex cannot always be long and sensual. There is a place for a quickie in the closet. But if that is where you are at all the time you have to make a plan.   And ladies please. We men need sex like we need air. I need sex, like I need air. If you continue to say no because you don't like how I do it I will go get it somewhere else and I will never know how you want it. If you screw my brains out I will be too tired and too low on testosterone to even look at another woman. If you make me sweat and let me share my deep, dark, dirty fantasies with you without judgment, I will be yours forever! On my word of honor. No jokes and no questions. If you feel fat and ugly, remember I still married you and I still need it from you and if it bothers you that much go on a diet and do something about it. Change you're make up even, but don't push me away because you got issues about you're looks that is actually no issue to me. I love you and I want to be with you.   Push me away often enough and I will not come back.   This does not mean that a healthy relationship where the man is just a sex maniac gives him the right to cheat. When we meet someone we check music taste and family trees and income and interests. But why do we never check sexual need? I like sex a minimum of twice a week. Less has to be made up at another time. I like giving and receiving oral sex. I like tying up and some spanking. I have a prostate and I know where it is and I like it. If you cannot live with that then maybe we are not meant to be together. Compromise is one thing but denying the truth because your partner does not like it means lying. And a relationship built on deceit can never work. If you are not being you're true self your wife/partner is living with someone else because its not you. You need to throw that bastard out and take your partner back or she was never yours. And if she then rejects you she never was yours anyway because she wanted the other man. The one you are not. This is no excuse to be a slob, rude, unkind, un-ambitious or just stupid. You can strive to be better and she may want you to be better but be upfront about what you are looking for.   Write each others good and bad points down. Then write down what you want to change. Be honest. Exchange papers and either accept that this is the truth or leave. No honesty means no marriage/relationship can work. Ever.   So, to sum up: No sex means no marriage. Fake sex (That includes fake *******) means lying and no marriage can work if built on deceit. Boring sex based on only one partners needs leads to no sex and we know where that leads to. Hiding your wants and needs, means you are lying and deceiving your partner.   Love is not enough. Neither is lust. But together, they build a home.   If you read this and agree with it copy and forward to as many as you can If you want to say something to me mail me at Insult me or agree. Tell me your story or just add a comment. Scream and yell I don't care. This is how I feel. And I am alone. And now I know why.
ajatsea ajatsea
31-35, M
32 Responses Oct 23, 2008

my marriage is over recently. it was completely sexless, I'm embarrassed to admit.

I smiled the entire time I read it! In my opinion, it's spot on! No marriage!

I wish u were my husband! Wow... if he would have ever said any part of what u stated, i think i would have literally melted to him forever.... u really sound amazing and hope u tell her this and if she does not comply, she .... omg i cant even type it! So much time is wasted thinking or fearing when all u wrote is so glorious.. no better feeling between two... u deserve someone as passionate as u are!!! U R Not Alone!

Wow. DINS, never heard that but so true. Early on we were always "too tired." We managed to have three children but only one sexual encounter since the last and he turned 18 yesterday! No begging, no refusal, just nothing. My wife was a self described "prude" so from the get go I knew I'd just be handed the basics which quickly grew boring, even before we were married. I could have handled that to the grave if it wasn't for the verbal assaults, unbridled spending and general insanity. Guess what? I grew some balls and filed for divorce, we will NOT be celebrating our 30th this October, thank God!!!

Menopause is a BS excuse. The brain is the biggest sex organ anyone has. Stimulate that and it is all over. I have thought long and hard on why people dont relate to each other and the need for comfort. I came up with a relaxation mantra on kissing, combined with sensation and imagery. The title is "mantra of comfort, kisses all over" The concept is based on the power of a kiss or touch to bring comfort, to communicate in a way that is safe, relaxing and pleasurable. Our parents kissed us, and so have lovers and spouses. Its powerful stuff, my friends ex husband was dying and in a coma and she used it on him to bring comfort when nothing else could be done and he responded by smiling. I rest my case.

Every word that you spoke is true. Well said!

A lot of issues covered very well, I agree with a lot of this.

I tend to agree with you. In all my relationships sex was a major part.But, there are many who are prepared to forfeit sex for the sake of the children. If there was an understanding for both to have their passions fulfilled elsewhere but, keep their affairs under wraps.
It is a tragic but true story that you have told us.

i agree sounds like my life, My youngest graduated HS i left with the blessings of my spouse. we remain friendly, but not friends.

so true so sad im lonely to if you wanna talk email me

i think that you come from a place where the lack of sex is the problem, there could be that the lack of sex a symptom of something deeper (not pun intented).

I often wonder being in this same situation if maybe the solution is to find that woman out there in the same situation and together we could survive it all. The big question is, if it's all due to menopause will it ever pass.<br />
My wife was a very active woman sexually and knows how to pleasure a man to the max and when I really tru;y need it , find it hard to understand how she could so easily be sexually involved with others and cannot or will not now.

well in my case, its my husband who runs away from sex... on one hand he boasts of all the weird places he had sex in with all the hot girls and on the other hand he says, he cant have sex with me till hes had a few drinks n is kinda drunk.. <br />
i mean iv been married only 2 months + no honeymoon and im complaining already. i tht men couldnt live wihtout sex. wat the hell is wrong with him. he can go a whole week or more without it n i cant imagine a day without it. i have politely discussed my urge for it n tht ************ doesnt help as i need him as I looovee him 222 much. <br />
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i go outta ma way 2 make things 4 him , surprise him loads , be all nice 2 him , dress 4 him but nothing seems 2 work. his excuse- im 2 stressed coz of work n watches tv 4 2-3hrs without a hiccup. iv broken down twice. he says its all in my head n stuff. im soooooo depressed n sexually frustrated. i dnt wanna cheat on him but hes makin it super easy 4 me. <br />
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if i dint love him this much - mayb i would have. iv cried n cried 4 days , been depressed. tried 2 mask my sadnesss n seem all happy 4 him , but he just doesnt get it. HHEELPPP :(

He doesn't deserve you. Think about yourself first before you keep yourself in a prison of marriage if you aren't truly happy. There are lots of people to love out there.

Great point of view, sounds very much like my situation and my thoughts. I'm sorry to read it, though comforted knowing many struggle with it - so it seems to be a common human condition. Like so many of these situations, the secret is discovering what to do about it - which differs by person and relationship. Thanks for giving me some thoughts and I hope I have your courage to report back soon....

Great point of view, sounds very much like my situation and my thoughts. I'm sorry to read it, though comforted knowing many struggle with it - so it seems to be a common human condition. Like so many of these situations, the secret is discovering what to do about it - which differs by person and relationship. Thanks for giving me some thoughts and I hope I have your courage to report back soon....

I think you should print this off and nail it to your headboard!

It is three years since that original post but it is good to see it still there -- story so well-told and, one fears, so common. Three years later, how did things resolve?

this is a wonderful story I agree with you totally.

You have more than summed up my thoughts! Brilliant, you're wife doesn't know she's born!

A wife who refuses to have sex with her husband is useless. This coming from a man who has a wife who refuses to have sex with him! Just last week, when I tried to get a groove on, I was told to wait until our upcoming anniversary (not that she wasn't in the mood or anything else, just that I'd have to wait for the appropriate day). That day came, I pursued it, and was told she was too full from dinner. There is always an excuse. What kills me is that she refuses to have sex but has the nerve to continue to ask me to give her backrubs. I stopped doing that years ago once I figured out there was no quid pro quo. We average about 4x per year and I resent the hell out my wife for this situation.

Wow, powerful stuff. Kind of puts it into basic terms. You hit the very core of the problems between me and my wife. I'd love to forward it to her.

This was awesome! very well put! <br />
Thanks for sharing!<br />

your story is not only true and i love the honesty. Very well said and i am sorry you were not able to work it out. I am starting to think divorce is going to be my only option. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck.

very well said ajatsea, couldn't of said it better myself, you make some really good points there.

Wow, your story is exactly like mine, I have lived in your shoes through two marriages, ashamed to tell you how long i stayed in both of them, went one stretch without sex for seven years, she use menopause as the seven year excuse and I fell for it, had two one night stands in that time, but nothing can make up for the long lonely nights and using mastubation as a substitute during that time. But the good news is I meet someone six months ago that I just clicked with, now for the first time in my life I have a regular sex life, we average three or for times a week with no let down in site so get the hell out of that marriage and find someone that has the same sex drive as you. there are women out there that love sex, are willing to experiment and as long as you please them be nice to them, tell them how beautiful they are and mean it from your heart, they will do anything you want

I agree with you, I am one of those such women, have hope everyone, there are women out there that want it "just as much" as men (and sometimes, in my case, more than my husband.) We deserve to be happy and have healthy relationships, which includes a good sex life.

So well said.. I always felt that within my marriage was the place to explore all those "naughty" things that I always wanted... I never thought I would be with a person who in turns tells me "you scare me sometimes" -- I am sorry things did not work out for you - I do hope you find future happiness with someone who does understand and agrees with your view point.<br />
take care

oakparker you are an idjit

I would think if she loved you so much and you two still wanted to live life together FOREVER she would agree to you having sex partners outside of her.<br />
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And NO I'm not kidding, I KNOW damned well that if for some reason I was unable to have sex with a man I loved I would NOT insist he live without that part of himself, Love means wanting the other person happy and satisfied. <br />
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I'm so sorry to hear of this story and this is exactly what makes life alone seem less alone for me.<br />
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People if you are NOT going to have sex with your partner and they are suffering so much for it PLEASE love them enough to give them that through another.

I wish my wife and I could agree to that one.

we watched a movieand there was a line, "only if the sex with him was not so amasing,,,," she had a damn good one with a married bloke and could not move away. my husband commented,, "I can not lieve only phisical could control the relationship,," I could not believe what i heard. that was exactly why i was so unhappy. we have no sex, if there was, bad one --for me, no touch, no kiss, no hug. if we had sex, he comein, done, he leave me alone, sleeep. no foreplay, no after talk, nothing. daytime, no, nothing happens, not even eyecontact!<br />
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it is not the most important bit in the relationship but like you said, relation made up with a lots of element and phisical relatinship is one of them, for me, sex is not that big deal if i have as many as possible or as little as posssible. but there need to be something good in it.

That is a great story Ajatsea..........<br />
I look forward to hearing "the full story"<br />
Sometimes divorce is the only option

Well...I'm impressed. What amazing honesty. Thank you for sharing your story.

I'll comment. Sounds like the relationship just isn't loving and fulfulling for you. Let her go if that's what she wants. Yes, I agree, what is a marriage without sex? Isn't that why people marry? To me, it's all about love. Loving someone means you don't need to read a book. You'll know what to do. Love and really knowing one another makes the sex wonderful. The reverse is also true.

Strange that I see this story has been read 787 times and not one comment. But then again. It was,is, my opinion. My story seem to be ending in divorce. Apparently my wife does not agree with my point of view. No matter how we try, we seem to be speaking different languages. I think I'd do better telling the whole story. When I feel a tad better I will. To those who read this, love yourself. You are the only one who stays with you all the time.

I am new to this site but I am saving your story to read over again... So many years has passed since u wrote it... I wonder where u r today...and hope u r happy... I swore when I was first married i would never be one of those women who would use sex to get what they wanted or EVER SAY NO... I didn't kno he wouldn't want it... bless u