I'm not even really sure how to tell my story or if I should. I'm trying to "find myself" so maybe a strangers opinion would help me see what I can't

I've been married for over 20 years. I'm 44 with two teenage kids. One in high school one in college. Over the years my hisband has gone from being my BFF to a stranger. He talked to girls online in chat rooms. Quotes them sappy country songs. Posts high school pinup crap all over his FB page. This isn't my first trip down this road

We separated about two years ago and it tore my children up. At the time I would have done about anything to stop their pain.

Since then I feel like I am just a convenience for him. He works six days a week and it's now nights so I guess at least we don't see each other much.

Here's my rub. When we reconciled I decided I'd throw everything go I the relationship. I try and goniutno my way I make his life more comfy and wait on him to do family activities. He can't even be nice. An I don't mean res carpet nice I mean please and thank you.

I have told him that I need some encouragement and he just refuses to give it. He distances me even more. I'm extremely frustrated and lonely.

I have no idea wtf I'm doing an wonder if I hooks just check totally out in a car wreck. I drive a small car and it wouldn't be hard to accidentally veer over into a trucks lane (we live out on a highwY. )

I feel like a failure. To myself and to my kids. What am I teaching them ? I'm trying to search and learn as much as I can but it's so frustrating. I hate myself
twisten1329 twisten1329
46-50, F
5 Responses Aug 17, 2014

Thank you for all of your advice. I suppose we are both angry at each other still. I have been to counseling and it was by myself - he refused to go.

It was terribly wrong to think of the easy way out for me but how
Much harder it would be for my children and the other driver. I wish I could just make my worry anxiety stress with him just go away. I need to learn to let go I don't know how. I don't like myself very well

Out of the 22 years we've been married about 14 of them were good. The last three has been very stressful and the other three years were broken up in pockets of turmoil.

How do I learn to like myself ?

I tried to add you but could`nt, it can be very hard to learn how to like yourself. You need to be very open minded to succeed.

First of all, consider the pain your children would go through if you did go through with the fantasy of veering into a truck's path. Not to mention the horrific memories that driver would have for the rest of his life.

As another suggested, you should be looking at counseling for the two of you. And if your husband will not agree to that, then go just for yourself. A counselor is trained to help you in ways that a handful of online strangers can not.

Good luck and hang in there.

I agree go to counseling alone if he won't go. That's what I did and then, after about 8 months, he started coming too. It sounds like you are doing your part, but he's not owning his.

First of all do not hate yourself, hating will take over your life, dislike him but never hate. He seems like a real jerk so just leave him. The only other thing you can do is find a special friend that makes you feel good.

It sounds like both of you have some anger issues going on here. There are other ways out then checking out and dying. You can't do anything about him but you can find a way to make yourself happier. Get a therapist to help you understand the conflicting emotions your feeling.

He is clearly still angry. ....how was the past?.

Smooth or constant fights