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All Alone

I am married for 27 years yet do everything in my life alone. I cook and eat alone, shop alone, sleep alone, go to events alone....I even go to restaurants alone. I have called this to his attention and yet my feelings are disguarded. He does not seem to take me seriously. So, I have stopped cooking, joined yoga, go with my friends if they are available yet some nights I sit home alone.

I hate this. Is it time to leave this marriage? Any suggestions?

doormat09 doormat09 46-50, F 23 Responses Oct 31, 2009

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I think it is time to leave him. You can't keep living a life of lonliness. You need some to share your likes and your interest. How have you done this for so long. Hope he's at least good in the bed - hahaha. I've been married for 25 years and for the last 5 or so years I have been doing everything alone, he works 12 hours a day. He gets tired of doing the same things movies, dinner, park etc....
Well, my husband found his outing, i found out he's been cheating on me for 8 months. But that me now.
Try to find things that he's interested in and try to ---- what am i saying after 27 years you problably tried all that.
It's time to leave and enjoy the rest of your life with someone that has your passion for life. Don't die next to someone that doesn't care!!! God Bless!

Sad , I hope you il'l find your happiness

I hope you have told him this. I'm a man and my wife don't respond to me.
I'm really surprised that lots of women here are ignored by their wife or partner.
I actually try everything to please her

I understand. I too am alone yet long time married. He has told me to go out and do whatever I want. Crazy!

This is what I was told as well! Which I look at as do what I think is necessary to make me happy.

I have been married 33 years, so I have a few years on you. I have tried to leave, but with all the responsibilities I have, home, finances, friends, family, kids, I just don't seem to be able to do it. I don't think she is a bad person. And those around us think she is a great person. But, I am the one who wants more, so that makes me the bad person.

I had myself a girlfriend, and got caught. I tried to leave at that time, but ended up going back. Now I sit alone all the time. In public, I'm sure our friends talk behind my back. I feel they even avoid me. I have no closeness with anyone, not even male friends.

Is this the way my life will be until I die?

I know I want a relationship with a female, to share time, dreams, desires, fantasies. I want to make love again.

Married for 33 yrs as well. No anything..a marriage of convenience. sad

How do we get ourselves in these situations.
Why were we so dumb when we were younger

or maybe it wasn't being dumb, but those we are married to, change so much

I think we ought to get married, but the license is only good for about 5 years, then we should be able decide to marry again, or change. lol

Wowable:
You may be correct there! I often say that I was young, dumb, and stupid! I was 20 when I married. I was so very in love and thought he loved me. I don't know if he still does or not. He won't tell me one way or another.
To be able to have that emotional connection again would be wonderful. To make love again with someone who cares about me. (then again it has been going on 5 yrs so..ahem).
Many many many things I miss so much.
So much story here as I am sure you have as well.

I was married also at 2, and thought I had the world by the horns.
it was about 5 years then till the kids started.
we both worked, and we both equally handled the child responsibilities.

I suppose things started going bad about 10 years into the marriage
she got to doing her things, as well as myself. the "I love you" seemed to get fewer and fewer. The nights of love making was maybe once a month. I found we went to places separate, just in case one of us didn't want to stay

Then it went to holiday sex
then a couple times a year
and now I don't think I had sex, not love making, just sex in 2 years

I believe sex is the closest thing two people can do, the most intimate, and in order for a marriage to survive, you need that

And as I get older, I want more love making, not just sex

I am after the closeness, the friendship, the kissing, holding hands, the foreplay, and then the sex.

Now I find I want more, I want to experience them things, but at home, it just doesn't come

And if I was to step out, I am the horrible person. I will be thought of as a cheater

Wowable: I so understand. All of the above and then some.
I have thought about looking outside as well. REALLY thought abt it. I would be careful for sure...very very careful. But I sooo miss all of it. and the older I get, I seem to miss it more. Probably since my boys (3) have left or getting ready to leave home.
So much story...Tired of crying..

2 More Responses

IT IS TIME, LEAVE HIM YESTERDAY.

it is time for you to leave....life is sooo short....you are here today and gone tommorrow....if it was love you would not be alone....value what you have left,,,and live on.....trust me it is not the end of the world.....it just feels like it.....fly and be free.....you tried

I can relate to this post. In my case I was the one that always gave in and tried to overcome. I eventually couldn't do it anymore. In the end I began to enjoy spending time with family and friends alone. I feel like I was taken for granted for along time.

I am so glad you got out, if not for my kids, I would do everything alone too. I am afraid for my future. How did this happen to me?? I was a good catch and a good person, full of life, fun times and friends... Now I am a shell of who I once was...

I'm sailing on the same ship! I need to jump ship and explore. I get so caught up in family, financial and mutual friendship comfort, that I can't seem to find the guts to bail. Then, I read posts and yearn for what others have found after ending their lonely sexless marriages. Year after year goes by and my situation stays the same. It's time.

I am in a marriage where I feel so alone all the time and I have decided it is time to just get on with my life. I love my hubby very much but now instead of sitting at home alone I am going out and doing things, meeting new people. I am hoping that he will one day wonder what I am up to and start to take an interest in things once again like he used to. I feel we all have to try something that is best suited to ourselves and hopefully it all works out the way we want, but if it doesn't we are strong, even though it does not feel like it sometimes, and will do the thing that is best for us.

After 27 years he is not going to change, sell the house, split the money and start your life over, alone I am making up for lost time now after two failed marriages to two women that did not like sex, I have found someone that fits me like a glove, stop waisting your life get out now.

I hadn't realize there were so many of us celibate and lonely folks in long term marriages! Geez..it isn't easy leaving...even if your children are grown and out of the home. What are we afraid of and<br />
is that adage....it's better to stick with the misery that you know and not venture out to God knows what and really implode--true. hmm......

I found myself doing the same after about 8 years in a relationship so i started seeing outer woman, since iam a musician it wasn't too hard to meet some woman but i did what i had to do,she thought for herseft and insulted my intelligent so it stopped calling her she wrote to me a month later! hey too bad,i told her if i am not worth your timeanymore well then pastadelapizzababy and that was it. imiss her but i have my pride!

I am also in the same situation in my marriage for the last 3 yrs.., if you can call it that. I do everything alone, some of the time. The only difference is, outside of my marriage I keep myself busy, I go out with my friends shopping, I go out for lunch or just hang out. I also have a small dog who is most the time with me and I also volunteer my time, talking to people who are just getting their wheelchair for first time.<br />
I truly believe that I have choices in how I want my life to be. I can decide if I want to be alone or not to be alone. there is always a choice. <br />
I am a artist making handcrafted jewelry and I love it very much. I recently decided to look for a place of my own of course with my 15 yrs old daughter.<br />
I am a very happy with my choices.<br />
I am very happy with my life

Me, too. Married 15 years. My theme song is "Alone Again, Naturally." This way from the start. But, as the lust faded, so did the desire for me to be alone while he was off doing things with his friends that he likes to do. I used to wait for him to come back, like a good puppy. Now, I realize I am alone, while he plays. Family across country. No friends locally. He was supposed to be my friend. I do everything by myself...day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. He gives me "us" time on Sunday afternoon. Do I want to leave? No. Am I leaving? No. Do I wish for someone to do things with and to talk to? Yes. Do I want to make new friends? No. Too old to deal with the crap of building new friendships. That's why....I am...."Alone again, Naturally!!!"

ddragon-<br />
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Have you ever left him for awhile? Like me for two years. When I took him back and believed and it kept going is when I knew he lied and it would never stop. Has he ever been in rehab? Have you been dealing with this for 31 years? Mine was alcohol for the first 13 years of marriage then the next 14 he added cocaine to the alcohol. <br />
Many professionals have told me to take care of me and get that anger out. Do what is good for me. So I now do that. I take care of me. I do not cook for him because I joined Jenny Craig to loose 30 lbs "for me" I do wash his cloths (only to save water) but do not fold or hang, they go in a basket. We have separate bedrooms until my finances improve. I joined yoga to relieve my stress. My evening are on the keyboard or sewing because he does not communicate. I pay all the bills and he is suppose to pay the mortgage. I just found out last week that it is two months behind. Uggg!!!!! Please work on you. Your life deserves much much better and it has been way to long. If you lived alone it would be better than facing his horrible actions and stressing with all that pent up anger in you. <br />
<br />
I was pissed off when I was in the hospital 130 miles away in 2005 and he was at my home in the hot tub with a crack head chick he worked with. I knew because when I came home there were bottle caps all around the tub. Jesus, what was I thinking? He had that opportunity all planned out. Will they ever get what is coming to them? Go ahead and vent to us. Be "you" on this page!!! Get your anger out on the keys because we care and can offer suggestions based on our own experiences that may make you stronger.<br />
You are a very special person. Always remember that and say it out loud. It works.

You are all so great ,I guess I must have thought I was the only one.For 31 years married and34 with this man ,every day,every year I keeping thinking it will get better,I kmow in my head that it won't,I wish I were stronger or braver or something would slap me in the face.I sat in a hospital while my sister was dying my husband was 108 miles away getting high with some coke head chick at my house.I need a lobotomy.Keep doing well maybe it will make us all stronger,thanks for being here,sometimes friend and family are too close to help.

jkwadlow-<br />
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I am glad I helped in some small way. I have been in this cycle since 1995. In the fist 13 years of marriage it was an angry alcoholic to me. These last 14 years have been cocaine and alcohol. I have been to 3 therapists and it was getting to the point of making friends and having coffee together. Nice visits but who needed more friends, not me. The point is I was not backing down to him and I called the bluff and moved out for 6 months and filed for divorce. That ended up being a legal separation til this day. The reason I moved back was because I wanted the house and he let it fall into foreclosure. Did not pay a bill the 6 months I was gone. I had to have the electric turned back on and pay oodles to the mortgage co. and there lawyers. He was gone for two years and told me he wanted to come back home. Very sincere, he said he was clean and in AA and therapy. I believed because of the longevity and let that wall down. He has been back a year and in rehab for 30 days in June. Nothing has changed. Oh wait....what changed is that he now has a breathalyzer installed indifferently until he proves himself to the courts. <br />
I so wanted back my best friend, the person I married 27 years ago. What in the world made me think I was his love and not the drug? Today is a phone call with his pity party of I'm sorry and your right and blah blah. I get stronger each round and know I was alone for 2 years and was fine with that. I made it. I can do it again. I base this all on experience not certification. I think these counselors need to experience these things in real life and not just sit there with a clip board and coffee and get paid $150 a session. So based on experience I am downsizing my belongings and boxing. I am better off living alone and not suffering the stress. I can do this without kleenex but it took yrs for me to realize which is a shame. Maybe he will hit rock bottom if I am not here as his crutch. Take care and stay strong.

Thanks everyone-<br />
I did leave in 2006 for about 6 months and filed for divorce which ended up being a legal separation. The reason I came back was because the house was being foreclosed on and I wanted it. He was not paying any of the bills the whole time I was away. I court ordered him out and he then left to an apartment. He was suppose to be "searching his soul" and recovering. He is a addict. Two years went by and he told me he was doing well with his recovery and wanted to come back home. I was lied to and manipulated. A year has passed and nothing has changed. Rehab again in June. I am done and can walk this time. When I left the first round I stayed with my Dad who was very lonely after my Mom passed 5 months prior. After I took the house back my Dad passed 6 months later. If I were to start the story from 2005 you would understand that I had all the life changing events with in months of each other and not an ounce of support from him with any of them. <br />
Thanks for listening

Leaving hurts. Justified or not it hurts both of you immensely.<br />
At some point you were happy. Try to remember why you fell in love and what made you happy.<br />
Talk to him about how you feel.<br />
If he does not open up move out for up to 6 months.<br />
And tell him if he wants you back he must date you as in the beginning. Do not date others during that time but make friends. Live life. And give him the space to decide if he really wants you.<br />
Remember to tell him you love him but he has to show that he loves you too.

Leaving the marriage might be drastic before trying things to 'wake' your husband up. Is there someone you could stay with (relative or good friend) for a while? Temporarily move out so your husband knows your serious? If you have a trusted friend or relative you should discuss this with them and see what they suggest (since I don't know you or your husband or how he'd react to anything you try).

I think you should ask yourself if your even *in* a marriage or do you just have a roommate? Being in any kind of relationship is about sharing your life. If it wasn't, what would be the point.<br />
I do, however, think your on the right track with the yoga classes and going out with friends. There is life out there, I promise.