I'm Married He's Married

In 2006 I started an affair with (at the time) my best friends husband. Why do we look for someone that isn't our spouses? Because there is something missing in our own relationships. Maybe or were just needy or selfish any of those answers are good enough for me. It's not fair to our spouses but what if they choose to stay and work it out. I couldnt stay away from my affair and he couldnt stay away from me too. It wasnt just the sex or attraction as time went on we did things that we didnt do with our spouses. It turned into a real relationship and now after 8 years he's still there and my best friend. And yes we are both married, after getting caught 4 times. Why I have no idea but I am trying to establish bountries between us. I'm 38 and I can't be like this forever and it's not fair to my husband the guilt eats at me everyday. I also suffer from Bborderline Personailty Disorder so I am able to separate my lives. One person at home and another at work and another with him. Most of us that have affairs can do that, just some of us already have it within us. I'm in no way proud of myself and it's not ok to cheat in so many ways it's not. I have learned that it's a self estem killer but it's also be an addiction. I did fall in love with him and just didnt know how to fall out of love. I think when we lay down on that bed, we leave a little piece of our hearts there. Even if we say we're not it happens, at least to me it did. Now I need to figure out how to bring my heart back home.
Thank you for reading ;)
Lostatfour Lostatfour
36-40, F
Jan 21, 2013