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My Wife Just Found Out I'm Gay

I have always known I had an attraction to other men.  When I was a boy I didn't really think about it as being gay.  When I was in college and it was very strong, I just didn't think of being gay as a lifestyle option was a choice for me.  I graduated college, got my first job, fell in love (with a woman) and was married.  The thoughts of other men never went away.  Sometimes they were almost uncontrollable and other times I kept them in the background.  About 13 years ago my wife and I separated and I had my first adult homosexual experience.  It was profound but scary and, again, I didn't want to travel that road.  We reconciled and have been together since.  Several times in these last years, I have had brief experiences with other men.  Last month, my wife discovered some things on my computer and confronted me.  I decided it was time to be honest with her and poured out all the things I'd kept hidden from her during our married life and that I am convinced that I am gay.

Needless to say, it has caused tremendous stress in our marriage.  She is kind and forgiving and we love each other deeply but we don't know what to do with this new reality.  I've joined EP as a result of looking for people with shared experience for both her and I to talk to. 

garrettaz garrettaz 51-55, M 9 Responses Feb 7, 2010

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Brother - your experience practically mirrors my own - I'm at a loss too, what's happened in your situation since then?

I really feel for you. And your wife. It is understandable on both sides. I hope you both can empathise with the others situation. The shame, judgement, and often religious/societal brainwashing we receive especially as children puts us in a horribly difficult scary and confusing place.

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Wow.. Mate, I don't envy your situation. I'm here looking for help.lol
I'm 35+ yrs old married for 10+yrs(happily) with three kids under 10.

My best friend and I got married around the same time. I was his best man. He had no kids but has since separated and has come out. We lived together for 5 years casually. Shared many specialty passions in life. Never discussed our own sexual desires.

I was molested by 4 different individuals from ages 5-16 and it continues to plague me daily.

I'm really, really, really attracted to him now, more so because he's gay and I've always secretly fancied men as well. Fantacised over him, whilst in his house in the next room with his wife. Many,many times.

Perplexed......

My wife found out I was gay about five years ago. We had very rarely had sex for years although have two children. She saw some evidence on the PC and a list of guys' names with tel numbers. She cried and was depressed. She challenged me. I was desperate emotionally to admit it and wanted to be relieved of the burden, but chickened out, saying I was just "bi-curious" and that given the choice I preferred her and rejected any gay feelings I had. We no longer discussed the matter. The matter cropped up again and she became ill with various things that she later blamed on the shock of her discovery. She started looking on sex sites and joined some sex-dating ones, resulting in one disasterous relationship which went on for some five years and some others which were sometimes with some quite nice men. I also discovered that she is addicted to internet **** sites spending hours into the night almost every day. They feature big-busted females like herself and she flirts with men on sex-dating sites and maybe meets some- I don't know.She became very depressed and blamed me for ruining her life. We no longer have sex even occasionally and sleep in separate rooms. However, in many other respects our marriage is good despite many tensions- many people see us as the "perfect couple". I have continued to have occasional sex with men, but could do with a good long-term gay relationship with lots of love. I am getting more and more distressed. What on earth should I do?

Wow! Hello there, I'm sorry for all your losses an not being able to be the person and man you are :(.
I understand everything you wrote....May I say with the understanding " That even though, yes I sound up myself"... However...far from it... As a very we'll groomed, we'll bread, very attractive women of 35....going back 6 years, I had come to the conclusion I would never find a man that, in this day and age could commit to just one women! Hence the dating sights, easy low maintenance hook ups and the logical and man or perhaps women's dream life.....having as many partners whenever, whoever, without the baggage ! My thoughts were "what guy would give that all up", a lot I haven't even touched base on. !!! I'm shore you could imagine!!! Give it up for a committed relationship, pressure, responsibility, communication, sex with the one women forever as such and so on.!!
We'll lightening struck and there he was!!!! 11 years "my senior" ,attractive, handsome,professional, young at heart, 2 amazing gorgeous sons, from previous marriage ...my love...we dated....
May I add, prior to this I did a lot of sexual exploring myself! swingers! women! many men together! gay-bi men and me in groups! Gosh I had a ball, but as a women my emotional side yearned for real love. So I stop, never really missed it. Was fun at the time...
After a year with my partner, one night we opened up about ourselves . I learned he was sexually abused as a child, come from a strict religious background, married off young, 10 years of marriage and that was it.. He said he cheated for another women and that was all??
Then he began saying how he worked in a gay bars for years and OnCe was with a Tranny in all ways!! But never again. I then noticed he never deleted old dating sights on his PC and more so many gay ones were visible . Hey I'm pretty out there straight forward and opened minded. Explaining to him if there is another need maybe we could figure things out. But not only initially denying he was on gay dating sights also said he was not bi or Gay.. Once again, I assured him if there was issues or needs to please come talk to me. As I dearly love him. Time went on we married...the sex became an effort we never sleep near each other the whole marriage. He detached completely . Barely spoke to me at night. Would leave a 6am home at 7.30. When work commenced at 9am, 5mins from home?? When asking him is it me..re..sex..he would say he was tired. And know I was the most sexiest tiger he had ever been with. after 2.5 years of loneliness. I realised the MARRIAGE WAS FULL OF LOVE BUT LOVE LESS. AFTER 7-8 accassions through the almost 3yrs of marriage, I would break down to him worrying about a future together and do we need help can we get help...then after the know attention to my female parts big firm breasts and we'll put together frontal female body...I grew massive in security's with my body and began questioning my self worth an sexual appearance. As my husband rarely touch let alone kissed my breasts or went down on me...I was alway the aggressor pleasure and excepted it. :(
Finally one day my internet was down so I asked to use his phone, ¥|€<'<€%}{|~%£*^><~||>>

Nooooooooooooooooo, my heart sunk, I started shacking, I went to his room to passively say to my husbands .." Plzzz tell me what I see here plz look,plz tell me it's not true! He told me ITS NOT TRUE,
I struggled to the lounge fell on the floor and mourned as thought there was just a death!
After months of anger sadness silence. I found more and more out about my husbands double life.. He was for our whole marriage interacting with hundreds of FEMALS, SHE MALES, TRANNIES, GAY MEN, BI MEN, BROTHELS, SAUNAS, BUDGET HOTELS, HOSTING WEB SIGHTS...LIST GOES ON.
AND EVEN THOUGH, I physical never caught him out..his browser internet clearly showed me he was actioning out,
We are still living together after 7,on this on, separate rooms and I guess lives.
To this day, my husband Denys everything, even visa debit statements, list of phone numbers brothels he called on phone, key card door lock/opener form hotel he dropped in hallway...list goes on....
I'm guttered, not that he is bi or gay! or constantly needs new partners. I understand we are all different , things happen. I offered him us help hoping he may break down and SET HIMSELF FREE TO BE THE MAN HE IS BUT HIDES TO BE,, but no, every other week he still says he loves me. And then 2 weeks of ignoring...
I understand we are we become or we always were straight or gay....but I don't get how a human whom is meant to love and care for there wife dearly can put a women through the hell and lies and hides an seek games my husband has. I know now he will never admit to me his bi or gay.
Sadly last month I took drastic measures with my physical appearance as I believed I was in desirable and the thought of be naked with another man was frightening. Sad....after being such an open confident sexual women pre marriage,,,
So I went to Bangkok..had an unnecessary TUMMY TUCK BOOB JOB SOME FACE WORK AN A LITTLE LIPO. Was gone 3weeks never told my husband...lol amazing no contact and he ever sent out the alarm bells, where the hell is my wife, alive,suecide, car accident ..pppff nothing.
When I arrived home hemisphere said he missed me!!grrr
Sadly, I had complications ended up in hospital a week in Melb stomach cut open with a seroma.
Still recovering now. In this sad even non if instant friendship. I guess when I'm back on my feet we will part our ways.
I would have simply excepted SORRY. MORE SO IF HE HAD OF BROKEN DOWN...O WOULD HAVE OPENED MY ARMS TO HIM WITH LOVE SUPPORT AND EXCEPTANCE
BUT STILL TOO THIS EVEN AFTER A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR COPIED HIS HARD DRIVES AND SHOWED ME WHAT I ALREADY MEW, PRESENTING IT TO MY HUSBAND AN AGAIN HE SAYS ITS NOT ME..SOOOPOOO

I WANT TO SAY TO ALLTHE MEN OUT THERE WHOM ARE WHOM THEY ARE BUT SUFFERING OR HIDING IN SILENCE. DONT BE TRUE TO U YR FAMILY AND YR LIFE

AND FOR THOSE MEN THAT FINALLY CONFUSED. WELL YOU ARE MEN and you have a heart. Thank you for eventually telling your wife ..I NEVER HAVE THAT...SO THANK YOU AND I WISH U A LONG LIFE A HAPPY LIFE XOX

I have been married for a long time, however, just separated from my wife. The pressure got so intense with trying to live a double life. It is difficult now, because I do honestly love my wife and want to take care of her. We have not had sex in over 10 years and it was evident the frustration continued to take over our marriage. I am in counselling now and it is helping, however, I still feel guilty for allowing this masquerade of sorts to go on for so long. We have children together and we both love them with all of our hearts. So many times I prayed that God would just take the same sex attractions away from me. I knew when I was 10 years old that I liked guys, however, I knew this was not accepted by society or my family. I was afraid of the mockery from those around me, so I hid my true feelings, all the way through college and my marriage. I regret for not telling my wife so many years ago. That is my fault and I have caused much hurt for her and I hate myself for it. I tried to continue to hide my sexual desires and they kept coming back. This was wearing me out. So now, I'm by myself and able to think and put everything into context. Sometimes, even now, I want to just give in and go back to my wife and the way I used to live because I know she is hurting. Then, I think of how it would still be a lie. I'm not involved with a man, nor have I slept with a man since I separated from my wife. I need time to think, to find out about me. This may seem selfish, and I know this is a valley I have to go through. I'm hoping that my wife and I can someday become friends, if not, i completely understand. Am I happy...no, not at this point. Am I more accepting of who I am...that's a work in progress. I do hope to find a man, someday, that I can be happy with. Right now, I just can't entertain that thought very much, because I'm still discovering who I am. My advice, is if you are unhappy in your marriage and hiding the fact that you are gay from your wife, you need to come clean. You are only hurting yourself, but more importantly, you are decieving her and she is not to blame. You need to be honest with her, be gentle, and let her know you still love her, even though she may hate you for what you have done. There is no easy answer, but staying in a situation that you hate because you can not be yourself is not good for you or for her. As I said, this is a work in progress...hopefully with a good ending. Only time will tell.

To cut a long story short, many years ago I was in much the same situation as you. Down the track after much soul searching, counselling etc we are both happy.<br />
<br />
Our arrangment may not be for everyone but it works for us. She has had a number of lovers over the years and continues to do so. Initially this was behind my back but as time went by became more and more open. Sex with me became less and less. In the guise of being supportive she was actually fairly manipulative and started having anal sex with me with a strap on. <br />
<br />
Our kids don't know about my other life but I have had a very full and active sex life with a boyfiend for some years. My wife and I still have nice cuddles and tender moments and occassionally sex but it may only be once a year.

Perfect situation

My wife recently found out I am Gay as well, our stories are kinda similar. Just that we are still married but strained in relationship. I still have feelings for her, but it's not easy for her to accept me fully. She still makes innuendoes as to my betrayal and is deeply hurt. I need therapy but can't find such here where we live and it's truly very frustrating.

Oh honey, don't beat yourself up. You are most likely bi-sexual, I have been part of this situation too. I married my best friend from highschool, he was the only man who really understood and deeply cared about me, we had an amazing connection and 13yrs of marriage. He will always be my soulmate, but there is no longer any sexual attraction between us. The main difference between our stories is that, he was always upfront about his sexuality from day one and we could talk about anything. We never were unfaithful to eachother as a result because we felt that we had found the right "person" to spend the rest of our lives with. Well....one day it started, we had realised that we had married our best friend, there was tons of love, respect and admiration for eachother, but no romance or attraction. It was a confusing time for us. It took being one apart for a year to regain our independence and identity back, and now we are back to being best friends. He will always be my soulmate but were both still searching for the whole package. (25yrs of friendship is worth hanging on to). Some people don't understand how it works, they ask, how do you date or not get jealous when he does. I love him and I want him to be happy, and visa-versa. It's kinda funny sometimes when I introduce a new boyfriend to him, he always "recomends me" to them haha, as a great girl to date. He had a 3yr relationship with a great guy who I adored and got on with really well, I was more sad to see it end than he was. The point is....If you want to have a relationship with your wife like mine, it won't happen overnight, it will take alot of work, honesty and respect must ALWAYS be a priority, and you will need to distance yourself for as long as it takes to regain your single indentity again. If you ever want to talk, I am here to listen.