Lost And Confused

Here is my story. I am 45 years old, married 15 years with two amazing, brilliant, beautiful children. I own my own business and am a successful and well-known individual in my field.

My wife is a very sweet person, incredibly smart. Every one loves her. She is the confidante of all her friends. She respects me and admires me as I do her. She's attractive, sexy, great body and we have a fantastic (and very regular) sex life.

In short, I'm living most men's dream.

And then last year an old friend entered my life. Long ago, in college, I had a crush on her but she was involved with someone else. But we became fast friends. Best friends. The type who finish each others sentences. Both ornery and fun and full of life.

She transferred and we lost touch. She didn't marry that boyfriend, but eventually met a nice man, they married and she too had two beautiful amazing children.

We lost touch until last year. When I saw her again, after 20 years, she took my breath away. We picked up exactly where we left off. We were best friends again. But we never entered the lives of each others families. For good reason. After a few months, I realized I was totally in love with her. And I was blown away when she admitted that she too was in love with me. We would see each other regularly. Sometimes physically. Most times just to have lunch and spend the afternoon together. We travelled together frequently, having amazing trips together under the premise that we both were on business trips.

Then her husband figured it out. He was devastated. They fought and argued and almost split up. But my children are younger and I was devastated at the thought of losing them so I couldn't do it. So she decided to wait until her kids were older. We tried to do what's right and stop contact many times but we are both lost without our best friend. We set up secret email accounts and got second cell phones.

Then he discovered us again. And gave her an ultimatum. No more contact. And yet we still email (no more physical contact). It's been a year of turmoil but we are still madly in love, even with limited contact.

I don't know what to do. I love my wife. She's one of those people who are insecure and afraid of everything. Irrational fears sometimes. She's an introvert. She's hates events and parties and crowds. She's the exact opposite of me. I love life, love people, love meeting new people and being involved.

I'm still attracted to my wife but we have nothing in common except for our children and our amazing sex life--this isn't a situation where I'm not having physical needs met or respect or any of those things. If that was the case this might be easier.

I also recognize that doing right by my children is the number one priority. I can't stand the thought of hurting my children. Or being without them every day.

I've even analyzed my relationship with my friend and realize that she drives me crazy at times, she has a double standard, she's far more jealous and needy than my wife would ever be. But she's also more passionate and exciting and funny and loves life like I do.

But I can't stand the thought of not having her in my life. Even a year later. I am truly in love with two women. And miserable because of it.

Your thoughts are welcome.
mo250466 mo250466
71 Responses May 7, 2011

I am going to add my grain of salt to this thread. It's crazy that this thread is still up 5 years after the original post. I guess we all have to let it out somehow when we look for answers to find out we are not alone, men or women. That would be interesting to know where you are at 5 years after your original post since we read a lot about the time when we fall in love with someone else outside of the marriage but they are little few feedbacks on how it went after the decision has been made.

From my point of view, it doesn't really matter if you are married or not since you don't have to pass a ring to fully commit to someone. But seriously, with a life expectancy of something like 70-80 years who can seriously admit they will be devoted to the same person all their life. I know that some people do. But I think it's more the exception than the rule. Time changes people, we keep growing up, our expectations and feelings also change with time and life experience. And any marriages is no exception. They have to evolve as we evolve. And this where paths can split or get closer. This is what my lover story taught me. And I learnt a lot from her.

My situation is a lot like mo250466. Great wife, very cool social life, a decent sexual life. Basically all the good things we all expect at some point but that make you plateau in your relationship. Because that's it: when you get to a certain stability, by definition you are stable and there aren't a lot of things that you need. There was nothing really wrong until I met this gal, 8 years older than me, at a different stage of her life with 2 teen ages kids. She has been married for almost 15 years, but gave up her hopes to salvage her marriage after several attempts to fix it years ago. Even before we started having our affair. The only thing she needed to get out was not a lover but a way to sustain herself. And she eventually did. At that point we decided to stop because of the self-destructive power those incredible love feelings can have. And I didn't want to leave my wife because I felt in love with someone else but because I know not everything has been done to save what can be saved. We are humans this is what it tells me. That sometimes, we chose the easy way when we get distracted. This kind of messed up situation and feelings opened up our own eyes on ourselves. We are still in touch and actually became good friends and we spend, when we can, time talking about the grand scheme of life. I think this is for all the answer we are looking out.

So what started off as a physical connection rapidly ramped up into an emotional connection where we couldn't spend a single day without talking to each other. We took every shot we had to spend, even a couple of hours together. Just to sum up, we have had over the course of 2 years a very intense physical and emotional connection. Mind blowing sex and friendship at the same time. It was like we were talking the same language in the most natural way. Like we have been knowing each other forever. The one of a kind that makes you think this it! This is true love! This is what you are supposed to feel with your partner. The kind that makes you think that you will regret it if you don't take the shot. And this is when you wheels start spinning at an uncontrollable speed. And this is where you have to start being rationale about it.

And I am pretty sure few lucky people found their true love like that, but in the majority of cases, and I include myself, you have to make some efforts to look at yourself, asking what is wrong and enabling communication with your spouse. And communication is key. It actually might be as hard as breaking up but if getting divorce or splitting up is the inevitable issue, I know that communication is the key to find the common ground where both parties acknowledge that there is something wrong, that we tried to fix it and that it can't be fixed. Some things simply cannot be fixed. And I think that when kids are involved (like hers, I don't have kids), you cannot do the thinking for them and they feel things differently than we do, but they are not stupid and know something is wrong. And it's a parent duty (I guess) to show to their kids that they have to be true to themselves even when it involves pain rather than playing the masquerade of “everything is fine and we dearly love each other” (my parents got divorced when I was 14 because people fall out of love and it happens).

Anyway, to get back from what I have learnt;

1/ your new love-hormone-blowing state of mind with your lover is very likely to be similar to what you felt when you dated your spouse for the first time. What makes it so powerful is the fact that we are different from back then. We grew up, we are fully form thinking adult (or not) and we know what sex is (or least we know better than when we were 20). This adds up to the intensity of the relation.

2/ By definition, having a lover means you don't spend a lot of time with him/her. This adds up to the intensity of the relation but as said a couple of time in some of the replies, would it be the same like living with him/her on a daily basis.

3/ It's just a reflection of yourself. How can you be so sure that when the relation settles down (and it will, the honeymoon lasts so long), if you decide to leave your spouse for your lover, it will be better. Replace lover with spouse in your thoughts and you could have a picture of what your next relationship could be.

All of this being said, if you have to leave your spouse, do it for yourself first and your family then if things are really not working. No one should suffer, including you, and living a loveless life might be the worst thing ever. Including kids. Life is short and we have to make the most of it. Also think about it this way: for whatever reasons you got involved in a physical and/or emotional connection, it simply means there is something wrong to start with (I want to believe you don't find a lover if you don't need one – like in my case and it took me time to acknowledge that something was wrong). A lot of people would stop the thinking at this point and assume the bad guy is the one cheating on the other. But if we push a little bit further, it just shows that there is “something” dysfunctional somewhere and both parties are to be blamed for because it means nothing has been done to fix it. It can be a daunting task to really find out what went off track and when and why and how it can be fixed.

I should have done earlier, but you don't know until you know (stupid to say but true), what happened with my lover and when she decided to get divorced, it forced myself to engage a dialog with my wife. And the interesting part is that she also had things to reproach to me. I wonder if she would have talked about them, but at this point it doesn't matter who started. I am glad I engaged and that things start getting better. It doesn't necessarily mean it will work long term, but if we get to the point it's better we both continue in different directions, at least we will have tried and we will stay in good terms. That's the only sane way out in my opinion.

Hope it will help. It helped me to read I wasn't alone and that we are humans with instincts. It's just what we do with them that makes us different.

I am in a very similar situation now! I would love to hear how it has worked out for you this far ahead of 2011!

I am in a similar situation I think I have fallen deeply for one of my co workers who is married and have 2 kids, plus I'married too. I have had problems with my marriage as my husband and I don't have an intimate relationship anymore and it ceased about a year ago. However I have fallen for my co worker who I confide almost everything in but he does not know that I'm in an unhappy marriage I feel that he feels the same way about me at times but I'm not very sure may be not I just feel that this is all a mistake I don't want to hurt my husband as I am still with him and neither do I want my co worker to abandon his familyI'm too confused and I think about him all the time which really does my head in as I know that I am doing something wrong We both email and speak to each other at work daily and it's more like flirting he says he cares for me when I feel down
I guess I think I'm depressed about everything mostly because I'm helpless as I can't speak to anyone about it
Would love to hear your thoughts

That's why we should be allowed to marry more than one wife, like muslims do, so we can live happier. It was not random back in time that people could have multiple wife's, falling in love multiple times, I know one thing for sure if you could have them booth you would love them booth not equally, but you would be happier and also they would be happier :)

That's why we should be allowed to marry more than one husband....

Wow, touching story, if she wasn't married I'd say marry both of them polygamy is not a sin..but cause she's married shoo dat hard

Before I start, this is going to be long. You have to know the beginning before you can understand the end. KARMA is a big word here so pls keep that in mind while reading. + pls excuse my grammar and spellings.

As far back as I can remember I have been searching for true love. Yes I am a male but I have a weak spot for love, true love that is. I am the guy who is just glad to have loved then never have loved at all.

I meet my first wife at work she was sweet, exciting, extremely intelligent, great in bed treated me like I was the world to her that is until she got pregnant. Regret of dropping out of school and having a baby not one but two consumed her entire life. We were both extremely strong and dedicated people. We made it through 7 years of misery. We both really tried to make it work ( for the sake of our kids we are good friends now much better than when we were married ). But Through all that I had become a bitter, anger and miserable person.

That is until a year and a half before we separated . I met this amazing, sweet, generous women that stole my heart the first moment I laid my eyes on her. It was like earth had stop spinning and the sun dropped in the sea. I was hooked. More I fought the itch in my soul, harder I tried to keep my family together but at the end my heart won and I mad the biggest mistake of my life. I slept with my new love and cheated on my wife.

Well story strolls down as beautifully as you all are thinking. Love was in the air few struggles here, there but over all WAS happy. I married the love of my life on 11.11.10

Hmmm!! Did I mention my new wife was not good with kids? She was Ok in bed, where I was the exciting energetic soul she was just happy to be there. It was not perfect, I guess nothing is , but that's what made it amazing, were she lacked I shine. What I was missing she was able to provide.

Like a stupid man I yet came to a new crossroads in my life. I fell in love yet with another women hahaha. But this was different. I stood there at the end of the line deciding which direction to take, all that crossed my mind was the sweet, caring women that helped me become a better man. This time I chose the right path and stayed with my wife. In my story I came to find out that I did make the right choice, for some reason I was still looking for true love only to find that my soul mate was right there in front of the me the whole time.

This is were karma comes back to bite me in the ***. Three months ago I found out that my soulmate, my true love has given away her heart to some one else. As it saddens my soul and thrust a arrow through my heart every min of my life I find my self wondering..... What Did i do to Deserve this, Was it doing wrong by my first wife, or was it doing right by my love that brought me to my knees or is it just karma's way of continuing what I had started and pass it on to my love.

I for one forgive my wife, can't blame her for doing what I did to some one else. If she leaves I hope she finds what I had found in her and pray karma dose not do what was done to me ( no one deserves that) but if she stays, well !!! She will find her soul mate and her true love right here waiting for her.

Hi. I believe in karma, but I also believe that stuff just happens some times. I honestly would not continue to blame yourself for your new wife's interest in someone else. That's her thing, not yours. Marriage is not easy, and I just really do believe == having learned so much at this point in my life == that long-term relationships are not easy and that everyone has to find their own way. Some people get lucky and get with a person that truly fits with them. Others don't. Some situations are tolerable and some are not. Some relationships are easier and some are not. I do not think that there is a rhyme or reason as to why these things happen in relationships -- I just think that they do. As for karma, yeah -- we need to watch what we do and what we put out there. But everyone makes mistakes -- and it sounds like you regret that last affair and realized that you liked what you had. I hope that things work out for you. Most of the affairs do not work out anyway -- maybe your wife is going through a phase like you did and it will pass. I hope so for you.

Me, I am not happily married woman with 2 wonderful daughters. I am still dreaming to meet someone who would love and care for me. A man of my dream. Handsome, rich, kind, thoughtful, with sense of humour, a clean person and inside and out. Please help me to find . I am 34 years old.

As someone who knows a friend who used to be in that situation, I just want to bring the attention to this; all forbidden fruits are seductive. Once it's not forbidden anymore, everything starts to fizzle. And the cycle will continue. Love is always vibrant, but it is also fickle. That is why it changes lane every so often and that is why romance is always going to be brief. Temporal. Like the spring is always only a season out of four. But a relationship, it goes all the way. All seasons long. The ups and the downs are always gonna be there, of course. But after the summer, autumn and winter, spring will always come. Instead of trying to fall in love in the forbidden zone and cause heartaches, why not try to find back that lost romance in the relationship? Find back the reasons you've fallen in love with your significant other in the first place. Getting out of love-trance is really hard. It's definitely fekking hard. It's often feeling like you're breathing with a boulder sitting on your chest or as if you're being shred to pieces. Like everytime you take a step ahead, you're being pulled two steps back. Like your body is just a husk and your soul has flown somewhere else. But once you're out, you'll be able to see more clearly, to judge more fairly, to feel better when making a decision. Romantic attraction to other people will always happen, no matter what age that is why we are human. We lust after flesh and covet that intoxicating feeling called love. Not a single human on earth can claim to feel perfectly satisfied with their love life. But as a human, we are also given the ability to differentiate which is good for us and which isn't. If you cannot commit to the decision you've made when you get married, why bother getting married in the first place. Since you've made it, it must mean that you're fated to live out the rest. If you've been somehow abused, maybe I could understand why you wanted out. But if all is fair and you're getting high on forbidden love just because, then I guess it's just your irresponsibility. If you are able to cheat on your wife, what make you sure you won't cheat on your mistress once she becomes your wife as well? And the same goes to her. For a love relationship comes with responsibilities. Children suffer after parents get divorce for so many reasons. But if children suffer when cheating parents stay in marriage it's only because after extra-marital affairs, the people involved continue to brew their resentments and mop around and it steep into the marriage. That is what's wrong with the world today, parents cheat on their significant others and leave for the sake of new love, saying it's human rights then expect it to be accepted well. As kids grow up they will think that being selfish, irresponsible and divorces are something normal. That is why so many of them will marry on whims and divorce on whims. And the next generation got lost on what family is actually. It's not worth it. Well, this is what my friend herself said when she broke up her relationship. Lucky for her. She went on to happier life afterwards. She still think of her lost love once in a while, I think nobody can ever forget their romances completely. But she said she knows how to let it go the moment he comes to her mind and she doesn't feel bad about putting him at the back of her mind. Guess it's a risk to most. But life will be happier if fewer people are hurt by the choices we make. She chose to let go and consequently hurt only herself and her love. she didn't became bitter but worked on her relationship better. And she's happier these days. But what do I know..

Thanks for the thoughts shared... I can think more clearly and more logically now..

Not everyone can rekindle romance like that. I think that every situation is different -- every marriage different. Some people are not meant for 30 years together. They grow apart. There are definitely those out there who are well-suited. They are best friends, through the ups and downs. Others -- no. I understand this argument, though. Most affairs are just that -- and they don't last. And cheating is never a great thing to do, because it's lying. However, some people are just really unhappy with who they are married to, and because they have children, they stay. And when that happens, they're lonely and more susceptible to an affair. Some people are married to someone who have addiction problems, or who are not nice to them, or who are cold as a fish. It's not all black and white because with those kind of issues, you can't exactly go there and work on your marriage and make things better sometimes.

i am happy that i and my Ex are back again and he already told me he needs me and wants to stay with me forever, dr.marnish@yahoo.com is the greatest!! with his spell all this happened, you can reach him on this number +15036626930
Lisa Rabiye

I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread. I came across it hopelessly searching on the internet for some type of clarity. I'm 25 and married to my husband who is 33. We started dating on my 20th birthday. He's very supportive of and a kind and responsible man. However, our relationship lacks emotional and physical connection. At times I just feel like we are roommates. We are very comfortable with eachother and support eachother. We don't have sex often. He was the only man id ever slept with until I entered into an affair. I fell in love with someone while I was away for work. There was passion, laughter, fun, mind blowing sex, deep emotional connection and understanding. No one knows about my affair. It's been going on for ten months and I'm just approaching my 2 year wedding anniversary only. I'm terrified that I was too young to marry and didn't really know myself. I'm scared I married because it made sense and he was a good man that could take care of me. I'm in love with this other person but that's a whole mess. He's an alcoholic with no money and doesn't have his life together. But he's smart, funny, passionate and loves me endlessly and in a way I've never felt from my husband. Am unjust an idiot? I've communicated to my husband about the problems I see and what I need to change and suggested counseling - but things don't change. He's very closed off when he is stressed with work and then withholds emotion and sex. It wasn't always like that. I think is possible to work it out with counseling. But then will i always be in love with this other man? I know it'd be a dead end with him - but the romance and passion is undeniable. Am i just naive and stupid? Am I fooling myself that I'll actually be 100% fulfilled in my marriage after work? Should I divorce and not be with my lover either? I feel so confused between being rational and what I feel. I hate that I have this secret and don't want to hurt my husband. I know that sounds ridiculous because of my actions. I'm terrified of divorce but I strayed because I wanted more intimacy and found it. Now what? Learn the lesson of what was lacking and try to fix my marriage or call it quits and let us nth move on? I've attempted breaking all contact with the other man (who now lives on the other side of the country) but it's so painful and he honestly is my best friend. Having the relationship with him just magnified everything I was lacking in my marriage emotionally and sexually. I feel bored out of my mind with my husband but in don't know if that's just immaturity and because the "honeymoon" faze is over. I don't want to be fooled by "the grass is greener". I also don't want to fool myself that there is hope in the marriage if there isn't. Help:(

Alcohol addiction eventually ruined my bright, handsome, funny, loving, well-employed husband. He lost his job over a decade ago as well as his personality. He's constantly in the hospital and could die before he gets a liver transplant. You don't have children or a home that you adore...get the heck out! If he cleans up, truly, then there's a "maybe". Until then--be good to yourself! You have so much live left to live!!

Nope on this one. You don't know how lucky you are to have the marriage that you do. Everyone has problems, but you'd be trading a for-sure good deal for a giant question mark. If your marriage were on the rocks, that would be a different story.

Add a response...

As I'm reading all of these letters, my heart truly knows the pain everyone is feeling. I've been married for 18 years to a man 17 years younger than myself. I don't look my age, everyone has always thought he was older, I look in my 40's. Must be the Italian blood. Anyway, He has had a very rough life, I truly understand, bad childhood and troubles all the way. He was angry when I met him. We fell in love and and got married and life still happened with more recently many job problems. It's really hard to stay focused on passion and intimacy when you're losing your house, car accidents, job losses, sister's suicide just keep coming at you. Life happens to everyone, I know I am no different. The last job really devastated him, he was working with a rough crew (he was operating a crane) and they were just jerks. He started having dizzy spells and he just couldn't deal with it any more. But somehow in his mind he turned it all on me. The quieter he got and more irritated the more friction there was. He connected with an old high school friend on social media, also having trouble in her marriage, she had his brother's child also. Now he wants a divorce and says we've grown apart. He thinks everything will be different with this new woman, she understands him. I think that first we have to be confident in ourselves and not expect another human being to complete us. I long for the romance and closeness of a man, because what I have now really kills you. I believe in God and am waiting for my Prince Charming too, just like so many.....

There is no confusion. People stop deluding yourselves. Put simply you are faced with a choice between the "security of your current relationship", and the excitement of "new love". You're afraid to lose your spouse, should this other thing not work out as you'd hoped it would; the fear you may end up being in the same place with that new lover down the road, just as dis-satisfied as you keep telling yourself you are. When we want to justify our actions, regardless of right or wrong, the consequences, or whatever, we will go to great lengths to convince others and ourselves that this is "Right". Acceptance by ourselves and others relieves us of the need to make an honest adult decision. You are not a child that fell and scraped your knee in a playground. You are supposed to make decisions and stand by them. If staying in a relationship truly makes you miserable, you would end it. Stop making excuses for staying, you're only hurting yourself and everyone involved. You should never use another person as a "reason" you need out of a relationship. You only want to go at the prospect of leaping to another bed. Not for your own well being. Also, people, stop fooling around with others before you let your current lover know how you feel. You are in love with the idea of getting away with something. The other person is just an escape plan. The fact that some choose to stay with their spouse but still claim to be miserable and "in love" with the other person is bullshit. This is how you show you love someone? By disregarding their happiness and yours by remaining miserable in a love less marriage? And what of the spouse? This is how you show them you love them? By not loving them? If the shoe was on the other foot and your spouse did the same to you, how would you feel? Also, how selfish for you to deny your spouse finding true love with someone else in the future. No matter how you try to wiggle out of it, you know it's wrong for everyone involved. Take a deep breath, be a man/woman. Do what's right. Just like a dad who's pushing you on your bike until you get your balance and off you go. Think about it, and good luck.

Hello Mr.Mo
This might be a little late for response. But i need to tell this to you. For love of your wife, she doesnt like party as you do, she doesnt like social ocassions and live life to the edge. And for your friend whom you just met recently, she is fun and party loving right? But remember one thing that is the law of the world. Time changes people. Think of your wife whom she lives through hot and cold with you for all these years and never fall for someone else. She sacrifice alot for you and your children. That may even be the reason why she loves to spend more time with family. Just think all about it...she does all that for youand children. For your friend whom you met recently, how do you know she's your soulmate? How do you know she will love your children like her own? How do you know she will die for you and your children like your wife will? Maybe for her own children but not likely yours. Love is not just about passionate kisses and romantic pathway full of roses. Always know that one day when you have nothing left -the great kiss/sex ,money, youth -the person who will stay besides you is your true soulmate. There is a saying, no matter how good the crystals are when you see it during diamond mining, it is ot the price. Think of your life ahead of you. You said it was every man dream. Why break it? Passion doesnt last forever, bt true love does. You cant be in love with two. It doesnt wrk that way. I say all this from experience i witnessed, your wife never hit u, scream at u, angered from jealousy, or do anythig to harm your feelings, but lok what you want to do to her? There's always fire when someone falls in love. Like your friend, if she loves you like your wife, she would have contact you since you split and lost each other....If different in your lufe and your wife's is the problem...you wouldn't marry her from the first place, would u? Imagine if you and your friend married and party everyday and left your kids to their own. What will happen? I dont have any authority to tell you what to choose, or you may have did already. But as a person who is 3times younger (technically yes thats my real age..) i may sounds too bable but what im saying is what i think you should consider

How dare you!
Pure and simple selfishness.
Let me give you a little insight from the wife's side. We have been married 30 years, have been through births, death's, hard times and fun times. Great sex life, shared our most intimate details of our lives. Swore we would love one another until death due us part. 8 months ago out of no where I was blindsided with the news that my loving husband wants out. I'm confused and try to figure out what is happening, thanks to social media he came in contact with an old girlfriend from when he was 17 and she was 13. He declares how much he loves her and wants to leave, to start a new life and be all that he can be.
Why is it that men think that because they want it so bad they can have it, because society says everyone should follow their dreams. What about my dreams of living my life with the man I love? Who talks about that? No one because the person following their dreams is the all important one and what the spouse feels has no baring on it. So as a spouse am I supposed to sit back and say oh, honey its okay, you go follow your dreams and I will just sit here and let mine be shattered, whatever makes you happy, makes me happy?
No where in marriage vows does it say, oh if you're feeling selfish, go ahead and crush the people you love, as long as your happy.
If you have a strong marriage and enter into an extra relationship, you are the one who has no self respect, integrity or dignity and you sure as hell don't respect your wife or your children.
As far as the other woman goes.......If she cheats on her husband she will cheat on you, so save yourself the heartache and stay where you intended to be when you took those vows!!

i am living the same dream/hell. but due to my lack of experience i ended up telling my wife im in love with someone else... that was good cause i did not like living a lie but since that happened everything has changed... i started to think more about my son and i even thought of going back to my wife but deep down i know nothing will ever be the same and now i am afraid of going back... her family already knows of my situation and i know they see me different now. i also understand that my wife will never trust me again... i guess we have lost the necessary foundations for a happy family right? i just don't wanna regret of the decisions i am making...so for you Mo... i hope you can have the courage to choose what makes you happy! life is short! i think you should do what makes you happy!!!!

If you are not in love with your spouse, then leave! Leave for yourself, not another person! This will open you up to opportunities to find love from someone who is able to reciprocate openly and honestly. Your children need to see you in an open, honest and loving relationship ... Your relationships provide them the foundation upon which they base their own relationships when they get older. If you want them to be happy you must show them what happiness is!

I truly feel for you. I have known a woman for about 5 years now. I have always been attracted to her since the first time I saw her. She is beautiful. We rarely saw each other over the first three year I knew her. We were just two people living our separate lives. We saw each other 4-5 times per year. Over the past year though, we saw each other more as our families hung out more. Then, this past summer, she began to flirt with me a little more than she had in the past. I had thought she was always a flirt, but never really thought that much about it. But, our families were camping together and she began to flirt more. It didn't phase me. A few weeks passed and we began communicating more...flirting some. Then, we met. I kissed her passionately and we nearly had sex, but did not. She wanted me but I was unsure at that point whether I wanted to start an affair. Since then, we have met up multiple times and had sex. At first, I felt we were just having a fling. But, within a month and a half, I began to fall in love with her. I was afraid to admit it at first, because I did not know how she felt. But, in a short amount of time, she told me that she loves me deeply. I love her deeply as well. Since we admitted it to each other, we feel that we are truly in love with one another. She has told me many times she would walk away from her husband if it weren't for the kids. I feel the same way. Her husband treats her like a piece of property and does not love her as he should. He doesn't even kiss her passionately. Every minute I am away from her, I hurt. When I'm with her, I am on cloud nine. I want to be with her...she wants to be with me, but I think that we are both afraid of what would happen if we both left our spouses. I am at the point where I cannot stand being away from her. I hurt daily when I can't see her or talk to her. I constantly think about her. I dream about her. I am in love with her and I cannot have her right now.

Hi Mo,
This story is heartbreaking! I write as the (adult) child of parents who "stayed together for the kids". Kids are smarter than you think they are, they pick up that something's wrong - if you're a really good actor, they'll never guess that it's your marriage that's lacking, they will think there's something wrong inside of them!
When I found out my mother had loved another man but stayed for the sake of us, her children, I felt only guilt and sorrow. Guilt that I was the burden that kept her where she didn't want to be, and sorrow that my mother had a chance at happiness but didn't take it. I knew my parents were not happy, even though they too were great actors, and the atmosphere of denial made everything feel unreal and dead.
My siblings and I have all struggled with relationships, and none of us have found happiness in love. In my own life, denial has played a huge role in my relationships and I have allowed things to happen to me that any normal person would not allow - because as a child I learned that I could not trust my feelings! My instincts were always denied - as I say, my parents were good actors. The confusion lasted well into middle age!
I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to say it doesn't work! I know it comes from the best of intentions, to keep the family together, but your children are going to grow up and have their own lives and they need to understand what is and isn't the truth - especially about love.
Please don't live this living death! I can't imagine your wife could be happy with this either, or perhaps just happy with the security. And if you were honest with yourself, you are probably staying more for your own sake, that you don't want to lose daily contact with your children, than for the sake of your children.
Please follow your heart. Two years later and you still love her, that's proof enough that it's real. Teach your children to live true to themselves and with courage - that's the best gift you could give to them!
This story makes me feel sad )-:

Oh my- this is a forum for people who can't write or spell- it's driving me nuts trying to read what you've written!!! Anyway, I would suggest to follow your heart. Your wife is going to figure it out anyway (women's intuition) and there will be heartbreak anyway. Plus, she will have ground to stand on in court. There's truth behind the saying, however, that if "they will cheat for you, they will cheat on you." It's possible you may have a better outcome, but don't forget karma :) you put a lot of negative out there by being unfaithful- so, expect it back. Good luck man-

I am to in the situation, I am 33 and i have been with my boyfriend for seven years and have a daughter together. We first started dating when i was in six grade then went different directions a year later. Twelve years past....But ended back together. Mean while i was talking to a married man for five years before hand...and i knew we wouldnt ever be together so i chose to just move on with my boyfriend now (the seven years guy who i dated as a child). Well last year i ran in to the married man and he informed me he wasnt married anymore. Well i just waned to be friends but all those feelings came rushing back. He is 20 years older then me but that is no biggie, age is just a number.My problem is that i love him very much i talk to him every day and see him maybe twice a month we want to be together but i also love my boyfriend but not in the same way as i did when we first started dating. Hes a good guy and has his issues but who doesnt. I just dont know what to do my heart is aching... please help me

As far as she is someone else wife you should let go and pray for forgiveness, if it were to the olden days you both would have been killed by the law of the old testament

dude feel the same but the girl dont know i love her. I keep it in my soul because it complicates things. thats what you should have done. but i must say if things are good why ditch whats realy already there. I wish was same situation

how do you know they would complicate things? Sometimes you have to share your soul with others, that's how it lives forever.

hi, I am41 married for 11 years 10 year old daughter, and he is56 married. I am falling for him. I had bad relation with husband.since i am in one sided love i feel so good that i am always happy and doesnot botherabout husbands remark. that changed him too. our relationship improved. But i still still love one sided.

In my prospective, I think you should just stay with your current wife and just be friends with the other woman. It wouldn't be fair to your wife and kids, also her husband and kids.... You can still be friends with her but like get together sometimes as a visit but not all the time. You committed yourself to be with your current wife, don't cheat on her. I wouldn't be that kind of person, its just wrong.... :/

Quite a similar situation with me...I am living a rocky marriage for the last 12 years, 2 children and not in love with my wife anymore. We fight daily over petty issues with her getting violent and using filthy and nasty language, shouting and howling and going out of control. It is at this point that I entered into a relationship with this beautiful lady who is exactly opposite my wife in terms of habits and ideals. Our relationship gradually got stronger and we have a great sexual life as well. Just to let you know that there is no sexual relation between me and my wife for the last 1 and half years which is the age of my relationship with this lady who is approximately 10 years my junior. I am 34 and she is 26.
Now the question is how could we give this relationship a legal binding..My wife initially suspected and now is sure of my extra marital affair and is trying her level best to spoil my relationship by hook or by crook. Still in spite of all sorts of difficulties me and my girlfriend are continuing on though this constant onslaught by my wife has resulted in few spats between us, though we patched up in a day or two to resume things normally as if nothing had happened. Lets c how things shape up and how we can bring an end to my toxic relationship with my wife to start something meaningful.....

WOW...My Story @ 40 - I was married for 18 years-GROWN CHILDREN and I married again 2 yrs. I love my husband yet I view him as my best friend, maybe needing someone to spot after my divorce. He loves to sleep-he likes to dream...sex good just not enough 3 per month.

Just a few day ago I post that I was losing 35 lbs and my dream-man give me support. i have known him since 2nd grade to high school we were good friends-I was in love with him I did not tell but he just loved me a best friend...calling us "2FUN"! My heart is feelin' some-kind-of-crazy! I do not think he knows I'm married. Yes, I 'm talking to him like I'm not married...crazy. I believe in dreams and marriage...yet my first marriage no dreams, second married - like a best friend w/benefits and now a dream can it come true.
I love belonging to a church family - NOT....I want to stop smoking again - husband smoke a lot - NOT...love more good sex - NOT....want to do enough entertainment - NOT...support with situations/problems, START MY BUSINESS best friend-husband - GOT! LOL, he is sleeping now....he likes it.

I am Miss Lucy Hollywood., From united states of America.I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was binging to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS Dr. DAHIRU TEMPLE. My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always continue telling the world about his wonderful work towards me and also to other that came to you before and also the people that will also get to you from my story that i narrated online now.. I will want to say to the entire world that you should not cry over noting again, That there is a great man that has been helping individuals to restore there Joy and smile in there faces !! The direct email to get this man is : arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo . com This is what i want to tell you all out there,That is thinking that all hope is lost ok..Thanks

Here's my story. I have been happily married for 20 years. Or so I thought. We have two very wanted children. Went through IVF for both of them. I ended my lucrative career to dedicate my life to my kids. We both always have put the kids first since they are so precious to us and weren't easy to come by. Life gets busy. We never spent time together. I would always beg him to come along on family outings and he would gripe and complain and it would end up where I wished he didn't come because it would have been more pleasant without him. He was always working, which I appreciate as it allows me to spend time home with my kids. In his spare time he would always do anything but spend time with the kids and I. I tried to get my emotional needs of wanting to "connect" with people on a spiritual, emotional level online and even tried to share what I was doing with him. No interest. No interest in Museums, in intelligent conversations with the kids. Not much at all. I joined facebook, reconnected with someone I knew when I was 16. Fell madly in love via email only. It felt like a spiritual psychic time connection. I felt I could feel him and it stopped me in my tracks at times. He loved everything I loved in life that my husband did not. He wanted to be the one at my dinner table, where my husband never was. He wanted to go to my kids band and chorus concerts. He wanted to do all sorts of things with my kids and I. He wanted and longed to be the man my husband was not giving me. I asked my husband for a divorce. It didn't work. He told my entire family and got them on his side. He told friends who now find me despicable. My family practically disinherited me. He kept threatening to mess up the kids lives with a nasty divorce. Our financial lives would be horrible and he manipulated the kids into seeing how much he didn't want to get divorced and loved me. He couldn't go to work. One day I found him in the shower in a ball curled up and crying. He was devastated as he realized he was nothing without me, so he thinks.(He also works for my family.) Sometimes, he would be angry, but over all he just refused to believe I was in love with someone else and didn't love him. He was diagnosed with double PTSD because of the first trauma that I was seeing someone else, then again when he realized I didn't stop. I tried to stop seeing my Love, but it was so painful, I would still contact him. I have never experienced anything more painful in my life. The longing for him is so intense. I told him many times I was getting divorced and then that I could not do it. When I told him I didn't know how long it would be, he said he couldn't wait knowing I was sleeping with my husband. He couldn't take me "working on my marriage" which I said I was doing to please my extended family and everyone else involved. It has been over a year since I asked for a divorce and I am just now, not crying all day. I tried getting a job, then couldn't deal with all the stress and pain and guilt about not being with my kids, so I quit. I know that I would never be happy if my kids are not happy. They mean the world to me. I always thought that people who got divorced were selfish and could not understand how people could do that to their kids. Well, I learned not to judge about that ever again. My dream, of course everyone's dream, was to be married with a wonderful 2 parent family forever. I still can have that dream and my husband has changed. He now spends time with the family and doesn't do any outside activities. He is desperate for me to not leave him. I could be, I should be perfectly happy with my life. I have it all. We are financially secure and would not be if divorced. I owe this life to my kids. The only problem is my husband wants me to be madly in love with him and I long for my other Love only. The difference in the way I feel about the two is amazing. My husband has everything I need and sex between us is great, mechanically. But it doesn't have the emotional spiritual connection I felt with my Love. It can not even compare. I do not feel emotionally connected to my husband. It is totally different from what I feel with my Lover. What I've experienced with him is nothing I've ever felt before. I didn't know the feelings I feel for him existed. The pain I felt when my Love decided to not wait anymore was a similar pain to what I've put my husband through. I feel awful about it, but at the time could only see my pain. I have been to hell. That I know. I think my Love was hoping and is still hoping I will divorce, but he has not been the nicest since I have not divorced, as promised. He was mad that I had sex with my husband. I am the most honest person I know usually. I divulge information to people that they may not want to even know. I've never hid anything before this affair. I never even lied to my kids about Santa Claus. I suppose I shouldn't have told him, but I am honest with him as I was hoping to be accepted for who I am and not have to hide anything. My husband would not leave me alone with regard to sex and although I told my Love I would not have sex with him anymore, my husband pressured me so much I just serviced him. It was not emotional or wanted and I was trying to keep the peace. I realized since that that I don't have to and don't if I don't want to. I also told my Love that I would be divorced in time to go to concerts that I had tickets to and that the two of us would go. Well, it was not as easy as I thought it would be to get divorced. There are children and inlaws and family involved all saying NO. Don't do it. You will ruin the kids lives forever. Try to work it out. They will hate your Lover. We all will. You will be shunned. Some friend would even say They don't want to go to hell by sympathizing with me. Everywhere you look, no one is on the side of someone who has an affair. My love was no longer there to support me. He says it is Self Protection as I broke his heart. I am trying to do the Right Thing. I am trying to be the happy family I thought we once were, before I discovered my what Love is capable of feeling. My Counselor says the problem is I have to stop all contact with my Love. I want to stop all contact but I believe I am addicted. He doesn't even respond to most of my emails I send him. He has not seen me for 6 months. I know he is seeing someone else. He says I should have just done it. I finally discovered some mediation and I am stronger. I do not cry non-stop and don't think of him once in a while. Progress. Anyone seen Anna Karenina - the movie. Sometimes I felt like her. That's another thing. Every single love story, every single love song, everything I do and everywhere I go. I can only think of him. My mind isn't here how I want it to be for my kids. I need it back!! I am working very hard on that and thank god for the Meditation from Oprah and Deepak. It helped me see my heart's desire and true destiny is to have happy well adjusted children. Without that, even if I had my Love, I would not be happy.

Darling why do you think all the movies say follow your heart? You are listening to the needs of everyone else , your husband, your family and your so called friends! (including your councillor ) Please get in touch with who you are and realise that if you go against your heart and matters of the heart you will get sick and this will never go away. You are a beautiful human with natural instincts not an adulteress!! You need to decide whether you want to live or to die slowly inside and don't you think that matters more to your children? Children feel stuff and if you want to teach them something and not lie than be true to you. Don't think about the future too much , don't sit there in pain . You need to find the strength to decide and act and follow through and your real friends and your family will only have to hop on board for the ride of your life , or stand there in amazement at the joy you seek and the courage you had to do something about it. I was in your situation 5 years ago, my kids are happy because their mum is happy and my beloved and I finally have the life we deserve. Don't let anyone including your husband emotionally blackmail you anymore. Living with guilt is awful but living in an unhappy loveless marriage in fear is worse . Do you want your son or daughter to have that? No you would support them and gain from your own experience and teach them to be strong and stand up for what they believe . Why are sacrificing your own heart for the sake of others? The decision is the hard part , but once you are on the path of your heart the rest is easy because through love we know what to do. Love will find a way , it always does ..
I wish you love and happiness my friend . You can contact me anytime if you need some real counselling !

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I just wanted to write that I loved reading your reply. When I read what MomID was going through I thought that this would be me in a year if I didn't do what I was going through now.
I have been married for 10 years with 3 children and unhappy for most of that time. My husband and I have been best friends but our sex life has been horrible. He always wanted it but I just haven't been attracted to him for such a long time that I would use any excuse not to sleep with him. Last year I got in touch with an old boyfriend through facebook but soon unfriended him because I realised everything I was posting was for his benefit. This year I friended him again and we started messaging each other. Through our messages we confessed to each other that we were each others "one"...the one we never got over, the one we always loved...we started a relationship emailing each other and as we live in different towns we have seen each other only twice but both times it has been intense and amazing. We now talk on the phone as often as possible (he works in remote locations so not always possible).
A few months ago this finally gave me the willpower to instigate a separation with my husband. He was so shocked and wanted counselling. I tried but MY counsellors told me I had already made up my mind, I was obviously tired from fighting this for such a long time. He is in the process of moving out and I feel like a cloud has been lifted. I am excited for my future with or without my lover. I like that he works remotely that I can concentrate on my children and me and still see him whenever we can. My husband is working through his issues and I know how heartbroken he is but he isn't the right person for me. He found out about my affair after I had told him I wanted a separation. He hasn't told his family about my affair but they already have shunned me for hurting him. My family know of the affair but have been very supportive of me. Some of my friends know and they too have been great. I know if word gets out not everybody will be understanding but I tell myself to not worry about them. I am building my own happiness and I can't keep worrying about what people think. I want to be happy so much. My marriage was difficult for a long time and I was the victim of emotional abuse and emotional blackmail. My husband didn't have a life away from me and made it difficult for me to have a life. Long long story. I would like to talk more to you ladies about this. I wish you well MomID, I really do. I am glad you've found peace with meditating and I hope it works for you. Jodiblove I would love to hear more of your story - you are me 5 years from now. I am so glad to have found this site. So glad I am not the only person to go through this!

Hi darling I am so happy to read of your courage and wisdom and the way you have handled this whole thing and kept your head up well done for that!

Remember you are not responsible for your ex 's healing don't feel guilty just send him love in your mind everyday to move on . It sounds like if you have a mutual love with your new partner it really can work . My partner also lives far away from me but like I tell people it's not like getting a new car !

If it's a beautiful love that flows like a river it should be honoured in any way possible . Take this time also to ease into your new life and build strength on the fact that you had the courage to walk and stand alone if need be as you say . The rest will just line up . The sea will part and love always finds a way so don't worry about the future too much just breathe through the steps and make the most of this time . Every situation is different but I hope I can give you hope by saying it's not easy and you will have moments of wavering and pondering but if you know who you are then stick to being you and don't give up !

You have come this far and that's more strength and courage than half the population in this world .

I send my good wishes to you and your new life . You can contact me anytime to let me know your progress


<P class=first>Hi i am so happy i found this site and feel i am not alone. I am married almost three years and have had a hard time. Meanwhile i fell in love with a man few months back almost 10 years elder to me who has a son. We are madly in love with each other. But his wife has suspected that there is something going on. But we still love each other and our relation is going strong. Not sure what will happen in future. Some one please advise. We are deeply connected and its difficult to stay apart.</P>

I could have written EXACTLY what MomID wrote. I am seeing a well-being specialist tomorrow, as I am in limbo right now. Still living with hubby, still communicating with Lover. It's soooo hard. I need more advice from jodiblove.

Hi , ok but if you do not love your husband you should not be there. You need to honour your true feelings and also tell your husband the truth so he can deal with things appropriately . Also it's not fair for your lover to share you . It's hard but the DAD rule is the only way out. Decide Act Do ! If you stay you will die inside it never goes away . Trust me I was there it took me two years to get the courage to leave , hardest decision ever but now I'm free I know it was the right way the heart cannot be compromised in that way darling . You just need to find the courage to speak the truth , find it within and do it for yourself and your very valuable life and the happiness you deserve

Sending you hope
Jbl 🌞

I have found myself in the exact situation. I have fallen in love with another man. We are both married and have children. His are slightly older; in college and newly graduated from college while mine are high school aged. We have had a relationship for over a year and half. Right now he is dealing with the fallout from his sons finding out and saying, "We don't care if you are happy. Your duty is to take care of our Mom." He feels that eventually the dust will settle; but, for the time being he needs to concentrate on his boys and make sure their mother is emotionally stable which I understand. I have since told my husband who wants to work things out for the sake of our children. I am feeling that the only way I or any of us can truly be happy is if we are able to live our lives openly and honestly. I want both our children to experience what "true love" is; not just two people staying together for the sake of appearances, the family, or what the perceived right thing to do is.... Thanks for sharing your story!!!

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There is karma we are going through in this life to pay for past errors or hurt we caused. Mo.. the love you yearn for may have been a love from a previous life.. and you still have those feelings for her. ..
I too am married with 4 wonderful children.. and last year.. met the love of my life. He is divorced and has 4 children also. My mind says i would be crazy to want this guy.. but the yearning is from a deeper place... my soul.. My soul knows him and craves him. it drove me crazy.. luckily he lived 9 hours away or i would have destroyed my marriage of 20 years.. I felt so strong about my connection with this new love that i spoke to a Shaman who asked her spiritual guide to give me some info... it turns out... my husband was my father in a past live... and I wanted to marry this young man.. the current new love... however, in the past life I ran away from home to marry this young man.. but got lost in a forest and died. So I this life when I met this new guy... all those feelings of yearning and searching for him flooded back. The feelings are overwhelming. But all you can do is write them down... get them out.. talk to a counselor.. acknowledge the feelings... it is ok... but try to find the lesson.... There is always a lesson. My marriage is aweful... my husband has anger issues and seems to ruin all holidays and vacations. but as I look for the lesson... I question.. have I possible ruined all his holidays in a past life??? and the answer is 'yes' if i ran away from home.. and he never found his daughter.. all his holidays were ruined... all his pain he endured not knowing where his daughter was. So in this life i am paying back for the painful karma I sowed.
Check Dolores Cannon - Past Live Regressionist she has a website and lists of those that can give a past life reading in your area.
peace and look for the lesson. We are here to spiritually grow and advance in knowledge and love.

To Mo and to all

I've been following your story since the time I joined EP this year. From time to time, I would read and re-read your post and the comments, and each time it's heartbreaking. I often wonder, if ever life throws me a second chance, should I make good of what I already have, even though I know I wouldn't be happy forever, or, love and be love with the one your heart's desire?

After knowing my husband since the age of 17, married at 26, and a 13 yr old daughter later, I only just realised recently, a tad too slow and too late I guess, that I've never really asked myself what I wanted all those years, being with the same man for so many years, I thought or at least everyone else thinks and still is thinking, we are meant to be. I came to a conclusion that when I first met my husband at that age, it was more of an admiration. He is a good man, in general, but in private, he controls everything. I've been a homemaker since the birth of my daughter, he discourages me from working, therefore, I'm not financially independent. He used to dislike me socialising, with my own friends, that is, but later on, because of the nature of his business, working late, entertaining clients, traveling on business trips, he couldn't control that part and eventually he started controlling the way I talked to others, what I wore, what I did and of course I protested, it was unreasonable and the arguments. But in spite of it all, I thought little of it, I tried changing myself, I would blame myself and carried the guilt with me, tried to be the best, constantly waiting for him to be home, always asking how was his day.

Until one day, 4 years ago.......he is the complete opposite of my husband, he's loving, caring, encouraging, engaging, he always ask how's my day, he listens, he cares, why would I not for fall for him?! It's so painful, knowing what you can feel and hold and not be able to have and to hold forever, hurts so much. My heart is aching so badly, every single day.

I don't want to live out my days being unhappy and feeling alone. The fact is I can't turn back the clock but I don't know if I'm being selfish should I give my shot at happiness a try.

Wish you all the best.

Hi mo250466,

I sat down and read your post the other day. The words started to lift off the page and to me, it felt like I was reading my future. I may not be married or have any children, but I am most certainly in love with two others. I know your pain and I know the loss that you feel everyday. Now I am in the position of trying to let one go, so I can move forward in my life and be happy again.. The problem is though.. "There is no happy ending. Just a choice. Choosing which misery is more tolerable." This is the truth.. And it's not easy.

I know you started this blog a few years ago.. But I wonder what your feelings are like now?

My feelings are basically the same. Nothing has changed. She is out of my life and I feel like part of me has died. I just drift through life with no purpose except my kids.

Would you recommend your own children to do what you are doing if you visualize them being in your shoes when they grow older?

Don't you think you can be a loving dad (and happy) and with the women you think of?

To me you sound like a Martyr, I know you do believe in what you choose but have you questioned your beliefs critically?

I myself know that I cannot be of benefit to other people if i don't take care of my own needs first and make sure I'm happy, only then I can love and help them truly,

Your kids will hate you when you tell then later on you only stayed for them, they want you to be happy, because they love you,

I feel for you. Does your wife know you feel this way? I am in a similar situation. My husband can see I'm not in love with him, although I do love him very much as we have been together for 25 years. Do you plan on leaving once the kids are grown if she is still available? I read everywhere that grown children dislike someone who is the cause of a divorce making life miserable for everyone. Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Hi Mo,

maybe you will get to be with your love later on in a few years, when your children will be able to understand the issue. Myself when I was a child i understood that my parents weren't in love and told them to divorce... I was 9 years old... So don't loose hope, if it is something genuine, then some day you may be with her again! This time for good! Good luck to you!

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I was once the other man. At the time, we were being intimate behind her husband's back. He found out and officially divorced. From what I was told the marriage was over before I came along. They were in a sexless and loveless union. Looking back, I feel awful about it, but I was young and dumb. I was 23 she was 36, I think. Things were great but then we moved in together. Someone above said something that made me tell my story and that is now there are bills, a household, and in my case my gf's teenage daughter. What a mess! Sure it may get you aroused thinking about the other man/woman, but what are you going to do when the fantasy life with the other person actually resembles more of a nightmare. Just to clarify I was single when I became the other guy. So, I had nothing to lose, but she lost a lot for choosing me. Once the fantasy eroded and real life came calling, our relationship went down. After I left I learned she went back to her ex husband and made an arrangement to be roommates and she contacted me trying to fix things but I learned my lesson. The reason for this long story is for anyone wanting to leave their spouse for the other man/woman to think about it carefully. The grass isn't always greener on the other side

Wow I feel for you brother I'm having the same experience other than the fact my children are grown I still think about the woman I love and we both are hurting because we are both married and afraid to take the first step of leaving our spouses ....good luck it's a tough situation !!!!

Dear Mo, and everyone else who has posted on here, thanks for sharing. I cannot imagine what it's like to be in this situation with children involved. My husband is the only serious relationship I have ever had, and I have been with him since I was a teenager. As I matured and became an adult, the relationship met less and less of my needs, emotional and physical. We don't have children, and I cannot imagine having children with him - the idea of it makes me feel trapped. My husband is a good person, who truly loves me, but he has fundamental issues with anger, cruelty, and how to treat me that he inherited from his father and his parents' marriage (which is and has always been devastatingly unhappy and dysfunctional). We are also just different in certain ways. For example, I am must more of a sexual person than he is. Less than a year ago, completely unexpectedly, I met and unintentionally but quickly fell in love with someone else. He is not perfect, he and my husband have certain things in common, but he is so many things that I always wanted and never knew I needed. I believe he loves me, too, but he has a guilty conscience, and doesn't want to ruin my marriage. Even if my husband and I divorced, I am not sure my lover could ever get over the guilt of causing it in part. I cry at my desk everyday (like now). I go to therapy. I've fantasized about suicide. I have filled out divorce papers at my desk and look at them regularly. I have lost faith in being in the right relationship with the right man - in being happy. I no longer have long term plans or dreams because I don't know what to do other than survive another day. I don't see how this could have a happy ending.

i feel the same way, you are not the only one that is inlove with two people but the sad part is we are in so deep that making decisions that can affect the little ones. but the question i have for you is that your best friend since she is the opposite of what your wife is is that probably the reason you seek more love from the other??

By the number of people whom have read your story, you are not alone and neither am I. Being in love with two people is never easy. Thanks for sharing.

Hi to Mo,

I'm sorry to hear your story. It's sad. Anyway, it makes me even sadder for myself. I can relate to your story -- except I'm a woman -- having had a very similar situation with one big difference. I married a man 12 years ago who did not treat me very well at all for a long time. It was emotional abuse. I just knew that I was unhappy; I felt unhappy. I took my wedding ring off 7 years ago. I didn't face how unhappy I was until I saw an old friend from 30 years ago [I'm 53 now]. I guess you could say that he is someone that got away -- it was a timing thing. We had been friends for 15 years until he got married to someone else about 18 years ago and we lost contact.

When I saw him again, a flood of feelings were there -- not just for him but for the fact that I was miserable in my marriage and had stayed because I have 3 children. It made me face that I had married an angry, abusive person and I was just done. I told my husband that I wanted a separation. He freaked out, refused to leave the house [because of the kids], and we went to marriage counseling. But he is an abusive person by nature -- his father was very abusive to his mother -- and while at times I would see certain changes, it always reverted back to his anger, abuse, jekyll and hyde personality which I got the brunt of. Many times in the last two years I have continued to ask for a separation -- he refuses to leave the house/the kids. I have spoken to 2 divorce attorneys but have not yet filed.

I didn't see the old friend again for 2 years until a couple of months ago. He's not so happily married as I thought, but he won't leave his kids -- not that I asked him to, because I didn't. We're not having an affair even though I have not been intimate with my husband for over 8 years. As much as I would love to be with the love of my life, I know that I can't unless it's an affair -- and I don't honestly think that my heart could even take doing that and how those things usually end up. So we are staying friends and we have each other to talk to because we don't have that kind of relationship with our spouses. We both realize that we messed that part of it up -- the right marriage -- but we're trying to do the best thing for our kids. I can sit with him and talk and talk and we just get each other as we always did, as if no time passed since we used to hang out as friends. It's not the same with our marriages, and it never has been.

I know how important it is to make a marriage work when there are children -- but when it's right, it's right and when it's not, it's not. My husband is still in therapy and now in anger management and he tells me he loves me and he wants to work things out. I was abused for a decade, and I no longer trust him or anyone else actually with my heart. I feel like the dog that has been kicked by its owner for a decade and now the owner wants to try to be nice but the dog is so badly damaged it no longer trusts anyone to have its back. [All the years, after my husband would be emotionally abusive, I would get flowers or apology texts or emails the next day, too -- so I have heard this before.]

I think it's ridiculous how couples spend so much time in marriage therapy working on their issues or trying so hard. I realize any long-term relationship is work and compromise, but to stay and make it work because of kids when there is no love there sometimes make little sense to me as it doesn't set such a great role relationship model for the kids. Yet, I know that divorce is very difficult for any child. But darnit, I wish it could all just work out so that everyone's happy.

Sorry to be a cynic, but life's experiences have done that to me.

Mo, I'm really sorry -- it sounds like your marriage is decent but I understand that connection with someone else that is really rare. It's very sad. Your kids will be grown and gone someday. My old love tells me the same thing that you wrote -- he's there for his kids and so happy about that and when they're not around, he's working and also has a successful business. I had a friend tell me 20 years ago that the most important decision of my life would be who I married and had a family with. I didn't realize at the time how right she was.

I think that people who get it right with a partner -- are really lucky.

Thanks for reading. I know this was longer than I originally intended.

Best to everyone,

Each relationship is truly unique.I m in a similar situation..sort off so I Google something to find answers n here I am..I'm in pain like most here.confused etc. This is a part of life but.not the end of it. Therapy helps even if it is for yourself first and not the marriage. Be strong and happy.in the end we have to make decisions that have consequences. Ciao

It's been two years since I posted this story. Several of you have shown support. Several of you have scolded me. For those who scold, I know you have a personal need to vent, but know there's no amount of scolding that can come close to how hard I already was on myself.

And several of you have experienced something very similar, so you've asked for another update. So here goes.

I left the love of my life and stayed with my kids. Note that I said "kids" and not "wife." We're still together but I didn't stay for her. I live a lie everyday. Pretending that I'm happy. Pretending that I'm happily married. People think I'm a great dad, great husband.

I've thrown myself into my business and have made it a big success because I'm home when my kids are home and awake and work every other minute to fill the void.

I haven't seen my love for over a year. I'm miserable without her and have no idea what's she's doing or how she's doing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. My life is empty and listless and gray.

Except for the time I spend with my kids. They are my only joy and I would do anything for them. Including leaving the love of my life.

It was a mutual decision. But I'm fairly certain she wasn't going to leave her family even though she claimed she was. And I simply had no choice. I could not leave my children.

My kids see a father who is doting on their mother, treats her like a queen. I do that simply because I know that my actions influence their relationship decisions. So I fake it. I'm a very good actor. I missed my calling.

I rationalize it this way. Mothers give up their children for adoption so they can have a better life. Grandparents give up their happy retirement to raise their children's children. Fathers work multiple jobs to provide. The least I can do is sacrifice a small part of my personal happiness. After all, they are a major part of my personal happiness. It's such a small sacrifice compared to the sacrifices others give.

We're all here for a purpose. My purpose became my children the day they were born. Don't we all make sacrifices for a purpose?

But when I'm alone, I'm empty. It's like I'm missing the most important part of myself. When my kids are asleep or gone, I fill the void with work.

There is no happy ending. Just a choice. Choosing which misery is more tolerable. The misery of not being a part of my children's life every day was completely intolerable.

So I made my less unhappy choice. Good luck to you all.

I wanted to tell you that your story has helped me feel better today because I do not feel as alone. I am you - except I am the woman and my husband is the kind spouse. Unfortunately, we do not have a sex life and that emotional intimacy and connection that every marriage needs to make it a true partnership is missing - no matter how hard we try. Yet, he is good and kind and thoughtful and sweet and successful and well-meaning.

I am in love with someone else and have been for three years now. I know he loves me. The man I love has now decided that he is no longer certain about staying in his marriage. We are taking a break from supporting each other to figure out what we want in life and mostly, for him to figure out whether he can stay in the marriage as is without me around for support, and for me to figure out what the hell I am feeling - about everything. I have a feeling we will both end up staying in our marriages and giving up on each other because that is what grown-ups do but the thought of spending the rest of my life with the kind of sadness you describe kills me.

The idea that you can still be in love two years after you made your decision and tortured by it makes me want to give you a huge hug because no one should feel that kind of loneliness and isolation you describe in your post.

I hope you find more than peace. I hope you find happiness.

I hear you and live the same lie. I will not leave my kids so I have chosen to stay. I struggle with it everyday. I came very close to leaving just over a year ago, but the woman who I thought was what I was looking for, flaked out. So I just stay. Very unhappy!

Sorry Mo, I would have to disagree on your Choice...yes, we love our children, but our happiness is as important! Living as though you are "dead" is no way to go through life...loveless marriage, pretence, in love with another...You have lost your own identity....we have one life and we should live it with all the love, happiness and not settle for anyone, anything that would cause this much heartache not loving or being loved and live with that VOID.....never stay just for the children, never stay due to guilt and never stay because its the right thing to do.....I only see this as an excuse NOT to go after the "love of your life" and regret will always follow You...good luck!

You are a great person. I hope life rewards you to be with your love after some time when your children will be grown up... At the same time, I must say: I would dread to be in the position of you wife!... She is the victim of a lie... If ever she finds out she has been living in a lie for the past years, it will be heartbreaking. I also wonder what your children will have to say about all this (later on, if they will ever find out). Parents do many things for the 'good' of their kids, but i wonder if it is really for their 'good' ?!

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Been married for almost 25 years- mostly good, until about 5-6 yrs ago, found out he had been involved with prostitutes at stag parties hosted by some friends. It was a short lived escapade, and hasn't occurred since. He is not aware of how much I know about this time in his life, but I'm not stupid or blind and besides, his friends talk a lot when they're drunk! I have forgiven him, but the relationship has completely altered as a result. We have some happy days still, but I am not in love with him anymore. I do still love him generically, care about his well being, and don't wish him harm. We have a child in high school.
Fast forward a few years, and I have made a new career for myself, and am becoming quite successful at it. I met a much younger man while at work, and though he doesn't work with me, he does own building, and I see him fairly regularly. We have clicked since the word go, talking for hours at a time. He is usually very reserved, but when we are together, he smiles and laughs and just opens up. We have been talking like this for two years now, but neither of us has mentioned anything about a relationship, or taking whatever it is we have now any further than it sits.
I have fallen deeply for this man, and it is the most glorious and painful thing that has ever happened to me. I expect he feels something similarly, but am uncertain as we have never discussed it. Since I am still in my marriage, I am wholly uncomfortable with approaching him for a date or anything other than what little we have now. And every day I wake up and make the choice to stay in my marriage, or leave it. So far, I have stayed.
I would not want to be judged for feeling something I never intended to feel, and I would certainly never judge those in a similar situation. I do believe however, that should this younger man ever say the word, I would jump ship immediately and follow him to the ends of the earth.

Any of us can fall in love. It is a case of reaching a certain soul level. Of course you all feel empty and feel you need another to fill you with love. When you mature truly mature, you know that love flows from within. Why do you deny yourself your own love? Why do you go scurrying about the earth looking for someone else to make you feel whole? You are empty and don't know how to fill yourself with love from within. This is the main goal of the major world religions. you carry on as if you know a big secret- feeling empty, finding love in your neighbors or coworker and needing to deconstruct your family.

I, too have recently been in a similar situation...and the result is simple..someones gonna end up hurt whether its you or your wife.and honestly if you love two women, it must be the second one you truly love because if you loved the first one,you wouldnt have ever fallen for the second one.In my situation I had my long term boyfriend and another man on the side.i ended up feeling burned because after falling for the second one,he chose his long term girl and didnt even give me a warning.he blocked my number on his phone and blocked me on facebook as well...and I was left to cope by myself.Anyway,hope this helps and goodluck.

You're not alone - believe me! I identify with your story so much. I'm smarting with pain as my lover has distanced herself from me - there's been no contact for over a week and it's killing me. Good luck, my friend.

It's comforting to know I'm not the only person in the world dealing with similar issues.
In my case I married young -think appropriate age of 27 however I wasn't truely in love. We had been dating since 18 and now 23 years later I find myself second guessing my decisions.
I have since had an affair with a man I've had a crush on for several years but I nvr really had a chance to get to know until of course on one sunny afternoon bump in. I had a 8 month affair - fell in love with him very quickly but hav recently agreed it is wrong and ended our physical relationship .
My husband is very caring, attentive, romantic, amazing father and loves me... But I'm don't feel the same for him. I don't know what to do. He is such an amazing person but the fact is I feel and know he is not my soul mate

Just pray God will do it his way. Let him handle z situation. I have the same situation except for z sex part, mine is 25%.

You selfish pig. I pity both your "best friend" and your wife whom you "love." You just wanted sex from both women that you strung along and lied to. I hate men like you. I wish I was a man. It is horrible to be a woman.

Grow up libra

Ummm im a WOMAN and ive recently been through a similar situation...I think youre just jealous he has TWO and you have none.

calm down lady! why do you take this so personal??

I understand, but you made a commitment to your wife. As you said, she has given you no reason to leave her the problem is your relationship with the other woman. Please consider pouring all the energy you spend on trying to maintain the other relationship into your wife. Choose to love her and her alone. You will save heartache for at least 8 people including yourself.

I don't think it's fair that you have not told your wife. There is a whole life happening behind her back that she is not privy to and it isn't right. You are making informed decisions in your life and she is not being allowed the power to do the same. You don't have the right to control someone's destiny that way IMHO.

I think those on here who say they understand and agree with keeping the truth from your wife would not feel the same if they were on the receiving end of such deceipt.

I was on the receiving end of such deceit and the same excuses were given. I was told that he was in love with both of us and that he didn't want to break up our family. He and you fail to realize one thing: the family is already broken because it is based on a lie. I'm sorry but I don't think you're protecting her. I think you are protecting yourself. She's probably not as fragile nor as clueless as you think. I wasn't.

If you tell her then she can work with you on equal footing to repair your marriage. Anything less is not the marriage you agreed on unless you have an open marriage which it sounds like you do not.

If your wife discovers the truth she may already know from something/someone other then you will it be repairable? Is it worth the chance?

I wish you luck and hope you find an answer to your dilemma that causes the minimum amount of heartbreak to all parties. Particularly your wife.

I completely understand. In the same situation. Married 14yrs with a beautiful 3yr old girl who is my world. Beautiful wife with a OK sex life who I love. She does whatever whenever i want. But there has never been passion in our relationship. And i have talked to her about this problem on several occasions with no result.

I meet a coworker that meet me on so many levels and became fast friends. She is also married with a 3yr old girl. Now our girls are bff and shes friends with my wife.But we have grown madly in love with each other.

I have been fighting the feelings of ending my marriage and i know she would do the same for me to be together. But i have so many reasons to stay. Big good family who would all shun me for doing this to a sweet and good person (wife) who they love so much not to mention my daughter. I dont wont to hurt my wife like this. She wouldn't even see it coming. It would devastate her.

My only and biggest complaint is that my wife has never made me feel wanted, any passion or the feeling of true love that would consume me. And of course my new love does all that and more. Shes the same age by the way. Shes in a loveless marriage with little to no family. Her exit would be an improvement. Her daughter would have a good father. But mine??

We have even agreed to wait a few yrs so the girls are older before making the change by its killing me not being with her. What to do what to do? I dont want to become the ******* of the family or cause so much pain for my wife. I am a child of divorce so i know it not the end of the world for them but i know how it hurt my mother. And yes she got passed it but i have never even heard of a story like this were someone had a good na great life and family then just left it for a lover who made them feel everything they always wanted. I gave up on that dream a log time ago.

I know if i lose my new found love i will regret it forever. But putting my hole family threw such a shocker would be a regret as well. Damned if you do....

It would be easy if she was cheating on me or we had big problems but thats not the case. I sometimes wish she would so i could make the break and save face with everyone i know.

Consumed with sadness and love.

If anyone out there has had something like this and went threw with it or know somebody who did please post the story. We need a real world result if only to help judge what direction to take.

You are not alone - your thoughts are shared.

I've read your story and feel like I could have written it..... Especially the part about being the ******* of the family.... Because I know I would be the bad guy.... My husband hasn't done anything and he's a good dad... But I feel the same,.. The passion is gone. I feel like I'm trapped in a " just ok" marriage. I don't have any advice because I'm stuck, torn, confused and slowly dying....I can't stand the thought of going on without the true love of my life.... But I feel I have no choice. Please share how u are making it through. Just know u r not alone!!

Married for 4 months, girl I always liked (very beautiful girl) Says shes in love with me and wish I never got married, were now seeing each other. Iam such an *******...

Your wife is the exact description of mine.. she's the perfect wife!.. for anyone ..I can't stress this enough!.. I love her.. but I also love my childhood best friend
.. I don't even have kids but I don't think I could ever hurt her!.. and to be honest my childhood friend is very attractive ... but she's not even close to my wife when it comes to intelligence ...morals... emotional intel.. among other things... but we relate in so many ways.... it sucks!!!!.. one half of me says just go with it ... the other half is grateful for what I have

even if u have her,may be u will find someone even more exiting than her.what will u do then?

I am in the same situation. We have backed away from the relationship and haven't had any contact for weeks.
I have been with/married to my present husband for 27 years. My husband is funny, loving and a good lover. My ex has been with his wife about the same time and says he also loves her.
I have been close with my ex, his family, wife and all our grown kids for years. I never expected anything like this.
Recently we spent time together, not alone, but in close contact. We talked a lot and he told me he still loves me and thinks he always did. I realized I still loved him also. It was like an emotional bomb. We both agreed we didn't want to hurt anyone.
A few weeks after parting, he became distant and we agreed to back off.
This is extremely painful. I never, ever thought anything like this would happen to me in this stage of my life. I guess it's just best that I deal with the mess this has created. I certainly don't want to spread this around. Being in love with two people causes a lot of mayhem.
Best luck to you all.

Amazing that I posted this over a year ago. I did give up the love of my life. She's gone. And I miss her every minute of every day.<br />
<br />
I finally decided that my children were the most important people in my life. I would die for them. So the least I can do is stay in my marriage for them. <br />
<br />
As some of you stated, staying in a loveless marriage isn't good for the kids either. I agree with that but I'm not in a loveless marriage. I love my wife. I like being with her. I'm attracted to her. We're just very different people. So it's not a loveless marriage. It's a happy marriage.<br />
<br />
Except I'm in love with another too. Not instead of. In addition to. <br />
<br />
For those of you who encouraged me to be honest with my wife and end the marriage, thank you but I cannot. My kids are too important. I probably won't leave her once the kids are gone because I probably won't find the love of my life again. I made a choice for my children and must live with it. My love isn't waiting around for me. And it's not like I'm looking for someone else. I found my soul mate. <br />
<br />
And gave her up. For my kids.

I'm glad you made a decision to stay with your family. I understand your love for another person. I had to give up a man I fell in love with and I think of him everyday. I hope this gets better with time.

It does get better, and more rational. However, the loss remains. Love is no less because it cannot be. We hopefully make better decisions as we go on. I hope you feel better with time.

I'm so grateful I found your story by chance and read it with so much emotions, you had described it with the exact words that I've been finding all this time, with the exception that I'm a female. I too, am an individual who love life, full of zest, fun, smart, loving and passionate. Unfortunately, my husband, whom I've known since I was 16, is the complete opposite of me......I love him but I'm not in love with him, I lost that feeling for him long time ago. In general, he's a good man, a good father to my 13 year old daughter, a good husband, provides...provides...provides...hmm yeah, that's about it, but I don't think he knows how to love me, mentally, emotionally, physically, you name it. Three years ago, I met someone, we were and still are very much attracted to each other. I'm kinda lost and don't really know what to do. It hurts so much to know that there's someone out there who loves and cares for me and I love him very much too but there's just too many hurdles to jump. Strangely enough, I still dare to dream, that one day, I'll be in his arms and he, in mine.

I'm happy for you, that you're brave enough to make a decision and stick by it. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you, you must have hurt a lot. Likewise, I love my daughter too much to decide anything drastic now but I'm taking one day at a time. I don't know how long will it take but I do know and hopefully, love conquers all.

Best wishes to you and thank you for your story.

Love is glue , love is an ocean of tides that flows , you don't try. If you loved your wife you wouldn't have been looking over the fence. When you true lily love someone you have all your needs met and you have the ability to love others fully because that person has filled up your love bank . If you were with your lover at the moment you wouldn't be saying you loved your wife. You might respect her but there is a difference about loving someone and being truelly in love . Your kids know when you are being true they can feel it . They feel the lies and the fakeness it seeps through. Sorry but you will die inside slowly unless you breathe the truth through you .

Love is patient, love is kind and love is always willing to wait.

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GEEEEEEEETTTTT HHHHHHEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are in a pickle! I don't know what to say! Considering your hot sex life with your wife and the respect you have for your relationship with her....I think I would put the lover on hold for a few years and enjoy your family for now. It comes down to the fact that sometimes we cannot have it ALL. Good Luck.

This sounds like my life right now! Except i am finding it very difficult to have intimate relations with my husband. Not due to his performance but because of my love for my ex, who is not married. Please tell me how this turned out for you. Right now i feel i am only in this marriage for my children. The love for my husband is gone. I do not know what to do next.

I also am having this problem. I only want my lover. I promised him I would be faithful and get a divorce, but due to how absolutely devastated my husband was, how he manipulated my entire family to his side and against me and the way he played on the children's sympathies, I couldn't do it. I intended to do it eventually, but I was thinking of not giving my 80 yr old father a heart attack and my husband was suicidal and shaking and crying all day and all night lost 40 lbs, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I didn't hate my husband and felt horrible. My Lover hung in there with me telling him to be patient, it wouldn't last with my husband, I needed time to calm everyone down. My husband was so distraught he cried to everyone, neighbors, friends and my entire family. He couldn't work either. He happens to work for my family. Many times I told my lover that I was getting divorced. That would be when My husband was okay with it. But then he would come back and I'd feel so awful and guilty. Everyone I know made me feel that way. So it went many times. Finally, my lover couldn't take it anymore and hardened his heart. Well I was so devastated I promised to leave immediately, but he said he couldn't be in a relationship with me right now. He needed to get over the hurt. I don't know. I couldn't believe I'd been working so hard, hurting everyone in my life, even my children and he just bailed. While I understand his side, I don't think he understands mine at all. It's now been 8 long months since I first asked for a divorce. I am in great pain and at one point when my lover wouldn't respond to my emails I felt like a stalker. We do get together occasionally. Sometimes it's wonderful and I am inspired to divorce, but then he is bitter and hurt and doesn't seem like the same person anymore. I have seen him yell and put me down a lot. Is it just the situation or have I discovered that maybe it wouldn't have been so great after all? The grief from the lost dreams of our future together is awful, but my husband is still hoping we can work it out. It seems he loves me more? One time my lover told me he meant it when he said it was over so I opened my heart to my husband and actually did find him attractive. It was nice. but right when we were done my lover called and said maybe he was wrong and could open his heart to me again. That was awful. I'd been faithful to my lover for 8 long months, with the exception of twice out of pity for my husband, which made my lover extremely upset and he still isn't over it. Nothing will ever compare to my lover, but I will have to accept that. I still long for him and wish everything we dreamed was real, but it's not. My husband gave me an ultimatum to stop all contact with him or he was ready to divorce, which he has done many times. This time I thought I was ready. My heart is opening up to him more and I am finding him attractive ok, tolerable sometimes but then at other times I am very resentful and want to be with my lover forever instead. You will need to get over your lover to find room for your husband. Otherwise you will find him annoying and repulsive. (per my experience and counselor). I am in such a mess. I wish I had just done the divorce as planned 8 months ago but it wasn't as easy as I thought and left much devastation. I know my lover is devastated as well. But I did learn how he is under bad conditions and am disappointed in him, but then I read on other websites how difficult it is to be the other man/woman and I think he is trying to get away to stop his pain. Help.

Hmmm. Here is the missing perspective. I am the wife that discovered the affair. Hubby and I have been through 6 years of emotional hell due to child rearing issues, his work stress & problems with his family. I understand it to a point. Life was crap, she was his childhood crush & she was bored in her marriage (to a man that cheated on her). The affair was an escape to a "happy place" where all the crap from real life didn't exist. She was thrilled to see him. Me...I was a mess at the end of the day from dealing with our REAL life problems. We ceased to act as a unit. <br />
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But it's time to put on the reality glasses or take off the rose colored glasses. Guess what happens when you divorce and leave your family...everybody is hurt. A kind of hurt you didn't know existed. Then you marry the "wonderful" other person. Guess what, now you have to pay the bills with them, deal with household chores with them, deal with the ex-family with them. (I have been divorced before. No matter how much you care about the step kids, there will be issues...big ones. Especially if their kids and yours are pissed). Not much fun anymore. <br />
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Put your big boy or big girl pants on and get your selfish egos in check. When you marry and have kids....it's not all about you anymore. There was a reason you chose to promise to spend the rest of your life with your current spouse. Figure it out and try putting some of your affair energy into your family. Treat people the way you want to treated

Thank you. You just saved me.

For whatever the reason, if the marraige isnt working for you, and you love this other woman, please do the right thing by your wife and end the marriage. Myself, as a woman, would be devastated if my husband cheated on me.... It is so humiliating, especially if you think your meeting all the needs in the relationship. If you truly love your wife too, give her the respect she deserves, let her keep her dignity and let her find someone who will fully love her. Please don't waist her time in a loveless marriage because as you say, life is too short. I believe, gutless people cheat, if you make the decision to cheat, you've just ended the "marriage" relationship, simple as that, and don't use the kids as an excuse. You know what the conciquences of your actions would be if your wife found out, so regardless, you'll probably lose them anyway. Besides Kids sence when there parents are not totally happy together, and they would rather have a happy family than a miserable one and you know, life does get boring, you do lose the excitement, it happens in the best marraiges but the grass always seams greener on the other side, but is it really???

I have been married for thirty-four years , to a wonderful caring man ! I have two grown and married sons ! Last year I met someone and we fell in love ! He was already in a loveless marriage and they broke up and sold the house two months ago ! He moved 100 miles north of the city to be close to me ! He has found a new job close by and is now waiting for me to make a move ! I'm terrified that my sons will never forgive me ! We have been a very close family and I know everyone is going to be devistated ! <br />
I have a good life and my husband takes good care of me, but there is no hugging or sexual contact anymore and has not Been for over five years ! I'm not leaving for the sex but for the loving arms and we have so much in common where as my husband snd I are opposits ! <br />
I need some advice as to what to do ! This person I fell in love with has nothing to offer but his love and my secure life will be gone ! Do I make the move and be happy or do I stay and keep my family happy ! My husband already suspects !

It hurts to love two women at the same time,i know I'm 42 and i have 5 beautiful kids and i am so scared of loosing them;but without the other woman i am so down and depressed i feel angry and withdrawn all of the time and constantly snapping at everyone at home and at work.I love my wife and we've been together for 11 years,but I'm not in love with her I'm in love with the other one.Being away from the other is killing me inside as you my friend i feel lost......

Wow...I don't know where to start....<br />
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I've been married for 11 years now....no kids. Our marriage got off on a bad start from the beginning due to family issues....caused a huge stress on both of us....I felt I'd made a huge mistake a few weeks after we go married. Not good.<br />
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A few years went by and I felt OK for a while. Nothing was spectacular about the marriage but it was OK. Fast forward 2006....my father passed away. I began to withdraw, wanted out. By then we were talking about kids but I hated the idea of having children...we also talked about buying a home. I delayed that too.<br />
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I was going through turmoil....got into evening classes at the local colleges to get my mind off things. Got to a point where I basically told my wife I didn't want to stay married anymore. She'd given up a huge amount to be with me...I must admit. She lost touch with her parents for me. I didn't ask her to but she chose to. I felt so guilty....I married her due to some guilt also...feeling I should get her out of that situation...what a bad choice.<br />
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She went on a vacation for a week to give some space but when she came back it was the same thing...we were distance from each other. Eventually she began to look for another place to live....<br />
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During that time, I broke my bone in sports. If forced us to stay together for a while longer and things seemed to calm down. <br />
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But we're always bickering, arguing over small stuff, getting upset, etc....I'm also a very different person than her....always wanting to go out, be with others, feel free and liberated. She has changed and is somewhat insecure and possessive. She told me after the first episode that if I went through this again, she'd leave. We've even gotten into fights where we both tell each other we should just break up...oh how I sometimes wish either of us would have the guts to do so.<br />
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I just want to be with an easy going person.....someone who is happy, cheerful, outgoing, adventurous. She wants to be a homebody, settle down, have a house, etc....perhaps marriage isn't for me?<br />
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Fast forward to now...we recently did end up buying a home....but also this change and stressor has brought back ALL the feelings I had about wanting out again. There is some minor work being done on the home that has required us not being there in the evenings. So at night, I stay at my brother's and she stays at her brother's.<br />
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This has given me a chance to stretch my legs and be free...stay up as much as I want, go out with who I want, where I want...not answer to anyone.....AND I LOVE IT.<br />
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The other night I went to a bar and ended up talking to a beautiful woman who was also a flight attendant. She was what I've always been looking for in a woman...exotic looks, long black hair, free, fun, happy. She made me feel so alive. Amazingly, we ended up going back to her hotel and spent hours there where I finally left and went to work after that...didn't get a minute's sleep. I'm not saying I have any sort of future with this woman but I've not felt this way for so long...if ever.<br />
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I've been going crazy over this situation and I'm withdrawing fast from my wife. We just bought this place, I feel so trapped. I'm just over 40 and feel like I'm in the prime of my life and could have so much fun.<br />
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I wish there was a magic bullet.

Holy Freaking COW.. This is exactly my situation. Thus why i searched and found this site. I have been married for 10 years and with her 14. We have three kids...19,18 and 10. Simply put I am not "in love" with my wife. We are sooooo totally looking for different things when we get older. She doesn't like anything I like. We "get along" fine at home. Recently I told her that I was unhappy and was thinking about divorce. The only thing that has changed is her sexual aggresivness...which is good.<br />
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However, growing up I was just infatuated with the same girl my entire life. After we graduated from high school, I entered the service and she went to college. In the pat 20 years we have run into each other maybe 10 times. Always I have been so infatuated with her. I did not date from high school until I was 23. Recently we met for coffee (totally as old friends) and she asked my why I didnt date during that time. I told her.....because was infatuated with her. Since that day, we have not gone 24 hours without talking, emailing or texting. Any possible day we can see each other we do. Neither spouse has a clue. She was already prepared to end her marraige (3 kids...14,12,and 8). <br />
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Neither of us is willing to divorce because of the damage to our kids. However, every single day we fall more and more in love with each other. The emotions I feel are 100 times stronger than anything I have ever felt. I am totally in love with this old friend and cant stop thinking about her. We both talk non-stop about our futures being together and we are both madly in love with the other However, havn't said that yet. <br />
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My concern is I will be hateful to my wife and she to her husband until they divorce us. Not what I want...... I just want to wake up next to her and never have to hide my love! Willing to take ANY advise from ANYONE!

First, know that this is a complicated situation with devastating consequences and most likely will affect everyone you know and love. Second, know that this is your life but your children should be priority #1. Im not going to build up to what I think you should do but throw it out their and then explain. My advice- Be with the one you love. “And this is just advice from a complete stranger”. And as a side note “I don’t have kids”. But I do have some experience with divorce. My parents divorced when I was 9. My parents, parents are divorced. My friend’s parents are pretty much all divorced and their friend’s parents are probably divorced. Do you see what I’m getting at? Most of the time you’ll here about the “ripple effect” when situations like this end in divorce. What you don’t hear about is when the ripples lose momentum and the waters calm. Life will go on. Your kids will grow. The sun will set. And in time, the waters will calm and the storm will pass. How much does it mean to you to be with this other person? Are you willing to go through the pain and disappointment? Isn’t love always worth it anyway? The ironic part about these situations is; the answer is always right in front of you. If your in love with another person and that person is in love with you beyond a shadow of a doubt, then the answer is so simple its almost comical “you need to be with that person regardless of the circumstances”. Love is ALWAYS worth it. But if you find yourself battling between two decisions then its much worse then you think. If you can’t bring yourself to leave your wife then the “love” you think your in isn’t real or something is wrong. You’ll find yourself making excuses about why you can’t leave your wife. Most of the time its because of kids. “And I’m sorry, but do the kids die after a divorce? Do they end up disappearing into thin air??” No. I’m just fine and have a normal relationship with my father and mother. I’m married and have a wonderful relationship with my wife who enjoys spending time with my mother and father. I have a step father and a step mother who I love both dearly. I see that it was the best thing for my mother and father to separate. So yes, it is a very complicated situation with and extremely easy answer. But If you find yourself constantly weighing the good with the bad and comparing both sides then you have might want to revaluate the situation. If its real love then their should be no hesitation as to what you should do. Good luck

Life is so not easy. I too have been in the same situation. I fell madly in love with a colleague and although we never came out and told one another how we felt right out it came pretty close. Nothing happened between us and I went on an educational leave and missed him to pieces. My marriage is still rocky as my husband is a workaholic and married to his work not me. Under stress he brings it home and his moods are all over the place. I try not to take it personally when he takes it out on me but it's hard. In January I go back to work and am going to be reunited with this man I pined for. I don't want to have an affair yet my needs have not been met for so long.<br />
I have no children and my marriage has been unhappy for at least 3-4 years. I don't want to fail at my marriage but I feel I will be unhappy and lonely for ever.

Great quote Swabhava! I too am in a similar situation. Though I suggest to mo250466, that if you still do truly love your wife and really everything is pretty good overall. To save your marriage brother. <br />
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From what I've read, you dont seem to have a bad marriage at all, most of us in this type of situation do. And thats why many times we find others to fulfill the needs and desires that our spouse's dont provide. <br />
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In my case, I hate to admit it but I have fallen out of love with my wife. And finding someone else has filled the gap that I'm missing. The other woman is everything I ever wanted in my marriage that I never got, respect, true love and passion. If you get a chance please read my story.<br />
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Regardless of the situation I know this is a tough spot to be in. And especially with kids it makes things 100x more difficult. I wish you the best in your situation.

I guess if you truly, truly love somone you must move mountains to make a life with them. Everything else will get taken care of. You will get the strength to give everyone and everything due attention, respect and love. You live only once. Don't live in regret.

Got the same things going. Feel such a connection to my new friend, never had with my wife. Freaks me out to the feelings...but it's complicated, she and I are married with kids. He intercepted an email...it was ugly. <br />
My thinking is this thing called life gives us one lap around the track...that's it.

Thanks for sharing your story. I too am thinking about ending my marriage, but my daughter keeps me here. I love her so much and she took it so hard when her best friends parents divorced. My wife and I gets along and can even have nice days together and as a family, but I'm lonley, not in love anymore and find my self becoming curious about sex with other women. <br />
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I know what I need to do, but I feel like putting my feelings aside so that I can spare my daughter the divorce experience is worth it.

Thanks for sharing your story. I too am thinking about ending my marriage, but my daughter keeps me here. I love her so much and she took it so hard when her best friends parents divorced. My wife and I gets along and can even have nice days together and as a family, but I'm lonley, not in love anymore and find my self becoming curious about sex with other women. <br />
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I know what I need to do, but I feel like putting my feelings aside so that I can spare my daughter the divorce experience is worth it.

I have a similar situation. I want to follow my heart but I afraid of what it will do to my little boys. Then I don't want to miss time with he man I love. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find happiness

Typing in all caps is stupid.

Wow this happens to many of us.. I am 27 years old and married to my husband for 8 years now with 2 beautiful children. My husband and I have a age difference of 9 years.. I never got tht attention or luv from him .. he always spoke rudely, did what he wanted to do and this made me meet my mr right online on facebook, we stay miles apart , what we do is just chat chat n calls, we share everything in and out.. he is also married with 2 children and shares same problem as mine. we give everthing to our spouse and when they come home we stop communication till the next day so this doesnt effect our spouse and children. but we can't stay without talking for even one day, we truly luv each other from heart, its true luv n not lust. we can't stop falling in luv right? we don't wana ruin our married life and we both understand this but the luv is not going from our hearts and we secretly luv each other. Are we on the wrong side? when we don't disturb our spouse or we don't show them tht we dont luv them? m so confused i hope u gona understand. i never wanted to fall in luv outseide my marriage but this happened with no intention.