Married But In Love With Someone Else

I am in a similar situation. I have fall in love very quickly but am always too shy to do anything about it. At 23 I finally confessed to the man i wanted to be with how i felt, 5 yrs later we are married. along the way i have always attracted attention from lots of men i have never done anything about it and have ended those friendships. i wondered to myself is it really possible to be just friends with a man because they always wanted more in the end. which angered and frustrated me. even though i have had feelings for other people i have never acted on them i just couldnt. even this person i was besotted with me had tried to kiss me but i didnt kiss him back. it was the hardest thing not to do. anyway 2009, i met someone at work i was just me talking to everyone and this person joined the team. we shared laughter nothing else. when we went for a drink he would tell me about his ex i felt comforted by this as i thought he saw me as a friend. i felt safe around this person he caught me laughing when no one else would. however on our second night out he kissed me i kept pushing him away but eventually i responded. i am really in love with him. people say at the start everyone shows there best sides but this has not been the case we have been so volitile to one another becasue we dont want to hurt our families. my life is not my own my family are aware i have feelings for someone else and they wont help me. society matters more. my husband even knows that i have feelings for someone else and now he decides to show me affection and it frustrates me. all these things i had wanted with him he is now willing to discuss. i know i should have controlled my emotions but i didnt. i'm scared and confused i dont want to hurt my family but this person is everything

confusedalot confusedalot
9 Responses Nov 10, 2009

I am a Man, age 27, have been married for almost 7 years and am leading a double life. I don't know what to do, I don't love my wife anymore and am In-Love with another woman. It isn't a one is prettier than the other, or one has more money than another, its just... I can't find the Love I used to have for my current wife. About 3 years ago my wife was deployed to Iraq with the ARMY and while there, she cheated on me with another man. I couldn't find it in me to cheat on her at all... Long story short, I found out, was heartbroken, felt alone, abused, used, and even thought about leaving at that time. I didn't and maybe that is my downfall. I have tried to love her, I went through the motions to try to find the love again, counseling, therapy for myself, Forgiveness, Religion, even just going and being alone. Here I am, 3 years later, still not able to love her... Now I have found another woman whom i get along with, laugh with, run with... its great, except... I can't be with her since I am married. I feel disgusting, I can't sleep at night cause she is all I think about. I can't have sex with my current wife because it disgusts me. I have nothing that is keeping me here except a conscience... Please, I need help, Guidance. Anything that can help would be greatly appreciated.

GuidenceNeeded:<br />
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I know that you have posted a while ago, but I came across this thread and have read every post. You have finally written my situation and feelings into words, that I have been trying to deal with and describe to myself. I've been married for almost 2 yrs and I have a good husband, good provider, yet he lacks alot of maturity, hygeine, and all around it's too little to late for the "emotional aspect" to be repaired for me at least. The 1st time I had an affair, was an eye-opener as to how I really felt about my marrige, which was not all that much and I realized I had grown very emotionally disconnected towards him, because he had been towards me for several months. I got a new job at a gym, and have kept my self in shape and also looking to pursue this as a career, however he doesnt share the same passion or concern for himself, everytime he touches me I feel disgusted. I met the love of my life here at the gym, we can sit and talk, cuddle, laugh and just have the most fantastic time together and he always lets me know how much he loves me. I know I have to leave my husband but I'm afraid of the pain this will cause, I also am in the middle of getting my finacial affairs in order before I do anything. What is the sad part is that he has no idea what is about to happen with our marrige, for right now I'm living this double life. I'm glad to find people who can understand situations like this without being so harshly critisized for the actions we choose and the path we go.

I led a life exactly like you guys and in hind sight now see that if I had of set aside the traumatic feelings of how much I was going to hurt my husband then I would have been able to see the beauty & amazing future that I went on to live with my lover. The greatest advice I could give is to know deep down that your love with you lover is not only physical but emotional, mental & spiritual. That he or she will be able to support you financially. The fear of the dramatic emotions that will happen hold us back from living our lives with the one we really want to be with. The turmoil that our lover feels when we go home to our husbands,have sex,live in misery or emotional dis-content creates more stress & pressure to our decisions to leave for we are mentally getting it from both ends. I had a plan with how I was going to leave had all my affairs in order bank,mortgage,kids,lawyer basically did my homework on what the repercussions were going to be, I lost half of everything but gained 10 fold of happiness. My husband was a good man,provider,father however he was emotionally disconected,causing him to be controlling &what seemed to me to be distant and had I stood by him an continued to live the life we did I would have been lying to myself an became a very bad wife anyway.The pain of seperation still hurts even if you are the one leaving for there will always be memories of the person that we fell in love with and the experiences we shared but that does get easier with time and so long as your lovers are understanding of what comes after seperation an how it aint gona be all roses imediately then things will get better just allow that time to grieve your ex either through releasing guilt or crying away the love that once was, well that helped me to process a love I once had then left for my lover. I wish you all the best.

Living their light at the end?

guidance needed: Reading your post is just like what I am going through. The only difference is that I asked my husband to leave 6 months ago and still can't bring myself to divorce him, and I don' t understand why. I love him dearly but I am in love with anothe man, who is also growing impatient with me. I am so sad and torn also..

Puggy, I know your post was over a year ago but you have completely described my situation too. I can completely relate. I'd be so curious to know how your situation developed??<br />
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I have been married for 18 months - I was just 19 when I met him and 24 when we married. I was quite insecure with low self esteem for the first few years of our relationship so the idea of marriage was extremely comforting (I now realise that is NOT the right reason to agree to marriage...) - As soon as I grew and developed as a woman, emerging from my silly insecurities (after the wedding and after we moved to the city and I started a new job), there was a huge power shift - suddenly I was the one with confidence, he grew reclusive, he wanted a simple life with his wife, whereas I wanted to live and enjoy my 20s. He was in a demanding job which required him to have early nights and he never really felt like socialising at weekends. Then I met this man - about a year ago - we were both drawn to each other from day 1... it shocked me at first because for 5 years I had never even looked at another man. The emotional connection you described, which my husband and I never had as he and I have always lacked a real romantic, intense, emotional bond... and about 3-4 months later something blossomed with this man I met and we began an affair. It has been going on/off since then. There have been several attempts where we've tried to call it off so that I can focus on my marriage - whether working on things or ending it - I've always felt that there's not enough space in my heart for dealing with both men who I love dearly, in different ways. However, not matter how hard I've tried to cease communication with my lover, we have always been drawn back together, and we are now stronger than ever and I do feel he's my soul mate. I have been waiting for the doubts and anxiety of breaking up with my husband to subside, and there have been times when they have, but then when I get close to doing it, I just feel terrified and can't do it. I suppose there's never a 'right time'. My husband and I have always been poor communicators and as a result, he hardly has any idea how close I am to ending it. Which makes it even more terrifying as he seems to blissfully unaware of the problems. He's aware that I've been emotionally and physically distant, but I do feel that this break up would be entirely in my hands, which terrifies me. I dread the thought of causing him so much hurt. He doesn't have a big support network, he relies on me so much and I know he would really struggle. I have been his rock. I don't feel like I want to fix things with him, although I love him, I just don't think I can turn back now. Also I don't know if I want to. I'm still scared but I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, and my lover's getting increasing upset and frustrated. He won't keep waiting forever. I know I MUST make some big decisions soon, and stop coasting through this double-life, it's not good for any of us. I just wish someone would tell me which path to take!

Puggy, You have spoken the words straight from the lining of my heart. Thank you for confirming what I know is real, but no one else can understand. You have made my night bearable. I am in the exact situation down to the T. Thank you again!

Puggy, You have spoken the words straight from the lining of my heart. Thank you for confirming what I know is real, but no one else can understand. You have made my night bearable. I am in the exact situation down to the T. Thank you again!

i have been in an amazign affair for 4 years.. and the only advice i have.. is if your not in love with your husband leave.. Thats what i should have done 4 years ago.

I have been married for less than 2 years...but always felt there is something missing.....passion, magic, connection....spiritual, soul connection...but he is a good guy, good provider..but emotionally distant and not able to give me what I need emotionally...and as a woman, I need that connection to be fully satisfied sexually. The ordeal has led me down a path that I dont know if I want to discontinue..u see..i met someone.....the moment we laid eyes on each other..boom....we have started an affair.....about nearly 2 months ago...and I have no regrets...from a moral perspective I get the 'sin' part..but emotionally and soul connection I have with him is so unreal..he has unleashed the woman that lay dorment for so many years...and i am addicted..we are fantastic lovers....and yes, I am inlove with him..hopelessly soul worships him.....and he loves me...I ask can someone love someone or have such strong emotions for someone in such a short period? well, it, yes, I am not much help, but I know what you are going through.....a person's heart and emotions knows no boundaries or to deal with it..I dont have the is just so short....I am also confused...what to do with the rest of my life, I dont this will play out..I have no idea...but I am riding with it and see where the wind blows..I cant walk away from is the essense of my desire......I have tried working at our issues in the marraige , but its the same dance of anger..going nowhere..and now, I dont even feel like working at it anymore....I have actually given up , lost interest.....but also scared of walking away....time will tell I guess....

girl! if you and I arent identical twins then i am crazy! I love this man soooo much I can't even keep it together! I eat, sleep and breathe him! I dont even know how it got this far but I dont regret it. Every time we have made love it gets deeper and deeper. I think the last time it was so intense that he has backed off for a minute. He knows I love him and although he hasnt parted his lips to say so yet, I know. You know we can tell just in the way he makes love and time and all other little things. Its not like we "have sex" it is the real intimate, passionate, hand holding, no holds barred love making! The kind that you wake up to over and over only to realize its only a memory!