It's Not Right, But It's A Reprieve

I'm 38, married 19 years with 3 kids. My husband is 23 years older than me and we met when I was 17. I had no family was young and homeless. We hooked up when I turned 18, I got pregnant at 19 and two weeks after giving birth to our first son we married... that was 19 years ago. We also have a 14 year old son and 10 year old daughter. I love him, but never as a husband. I was young and thought I could eventually learn to love him so I stayed.

I blame myself for staying in this situation for so long, but I also resent him. After all he was supposed to be the mature adult and should have known better than to pursue some one so young. He complains that I'm emotionally distant and it's true. I've suggested we go our separate ways, but he doesn't want to. He's afraid that at his age 61, he wouldn't be able to find someone and does not want to spend the rest of his life alone.

Throughout our marriage I never cheated. I had the opportunity, but never gave in until now.

I've met someone. Sometimes people are so miserable, beaten down or trapped in a relationship so that when someone comes along and understands, it just happens. And no it isn't right, but it's a reprieve from the hell that you live in.

I hate being in this situation. I don't want to abandon my husband now that he's older, but I also don't want to remain emotionally defunct for the rest of my life.

Emotionally and physically he makes me feel everything my husband never could. He's closer to my age and even though we only see each other once a week I'm happy.

Life is complicated. I feel trapped and it doesn't justify having an affair. Am I selfish for having an affair? Yes. Should I be cruel, heartless and abandon my husband? No.



As of now my lover and I have been seeing each other 7 months.  We ran into a difficult time during our second month together, but we are still together. Our trouble had to do with time and trust issues. He thought I was seeing someone else because I couldn't see him often. I told him, "I barely have time to see you and just because I'm cheating on my husband, doesn't mean I'm cheating on you". Whats the use of being with him if he can't have peace of mind? So I stopped seeing and texting him. I became depressed and cried every night for two weeks. I was angry with myself for giving him up. I consoled myself by thinking that he was only interested in sex and nothing more could come out of this. I din't hear from him for a week. No texts or email. But by the second week he started texting and emailing me several times a day. He wanted to see me, missed me and couldn't stop thinking of me. The irony is, I was hurt that he would think I was cheating on him! I told myself, I'm married and if I go back to him he will always think "If she's cheating on her husband, then she will cheat on me"...

I stayed strong and one good thing came out of breaking it off with my lover. My feelings, hopes and dreams as well as my desires were re-awakened. I decided I didn't want to remain emotionally dead and lonely. This loveless marriage is a dead end and maybe I can gently make my husband understand that I will not abandon him, but we can't go on as if all is normal. 

By the third week of leaving my lover I decided to go back to nursing school and become an LVN. I kept myself busy all the while still getting texts and emails everyday from my lover. I would read them and ache for him. He missed me and was miserable without me. He promised to never doubt me and begged me to take him back. I thought of our time together and how well we got along. Our conversations, interests and how good it felt to be with that one person who understands and gets me. The sex was phenomenal.... different positions, he could last way longer than my husband and would  give it another go 2 or 3 times in one night. Our first time was in the back seat of his car.  I had forgotten about foreplay and how good the groping, kissing and petting felt. He was very caring and sweet our first time and when he was ready to go again he gave me a most memorable experience that left me walking a little unsteady the next day! :)

I never told my lover where I lived. He knew I worked in a grocery store, but didn't know witch one. After 4 weeks of no contact with him I was totally surprised when he walked up to me at work and begged me to talk to him. Of course that was all it took! Having him there so close in front of me... I just couldn't resist or deny him. I agreed to meet him after my shift ended. We talked over coffee and I let him do most of the talking. He explained why he thought I was cheating on him. It turns out his last two girlfriends had cheated on him and that, had made him doubtful and insecure. 

That night he found me I agreed to start dating him again. We've been seeing each other for 7 months now. I saw him yesterday on Valentine's day. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I was touched and saddened. I explained to him, how can a married woman have a boyfriend? He said he loved me and doesn't want to loose me. 

I see my boyfriend (lover) once or twice a week. I try to talk to my husband about our marriage, but he's not willing or open to discuss our situation. After 19 years together he's comfortable and sees nothing wrong. I'm stuck, but at least now I'm not alone.

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2 Responses Sep 13, 2012

I can relate to your situation. My affair has made me much more balanced in life and happier. After 5 years of zero affection in my marriage it's nice to know I'm still desirable and can make a woman happy.

At the time, when you were 19, he must have been the answer to all your prayers.
you went on to have three kids and a life partnership with this man.
You can't go back and change anything, but being aware of what your needs are RIGHT NOW and not assigning blame to him, will empower you to make the necessary changes in your life that will allow you to live happily ever after ..
I'm in a similar situation and thought I would be happy with the 'once a week' arrangement, but his wife found out 3 years into the affair, he froze like a dear in the headlights, I rarely see him now and am stuck emotionally..
I feel that an affair is a delay mechanism, because we don't really want to deal with the real issues or really take the chance and change our lives......