There is not a soul that I can tell this to, but need to get it off my chest.
In middle school, I experienced the closest thing to "love at first sight" that I can think of. At the end of that school year, H moved to another city but we still kept in touch on and off until senior year when he moved back. I had had boyfriends throughout high school and beyond, because I wasn't sure how he felt and couldn't let myself bank on "what ifs". He would profess his love for me when we got into deep conversations or if he drunk dialed me, but I never took that too seriously and we never dated. We were 'best friends' and told each other basically everything. My friend called us 'the best love story ever' only to me, it was the best love story that never happened. After high school we didn't talk for a couple years, and in that time I did my best to forget about him. Enter P. We were both going through crazy times in life and found each other somehow in the madness, and though I didn't feel that love at first sight, I dated him and we had fun. For some god forsaken reason, I decided I wanted a baby at 21. So we had a baby, and in my pregnant bliss, we decided to get married. I thought about H on our wedding day, despite not talking to him in years. I figured it had been so long that maybe I should give up on him. Well.. As luck would have it, I saw H again one day. And we haven't lost touch since.. And here I am, not even a year into marriage and regretting my entire post-high school life. I wish I had waited to get married and have a baby, and I wish that I would have realized how wrong it was to think of H on my wedding day and called it off. My husband loves me, and I love him in the father-of-my-child way. He is an amazing dad and works hard to support his family, but I just can't stop thinking about H again, and am back to "what ifs". I want a divorce but my husband wants to stay in this city, H lives in another, and I would most likely move to a third place near family as I have none here. I don't want to raise my child a thousand miles away from his dad, but cannot support myself and child without being near family. I have no idea what to do.
Lostinalaska Lostinalaska
22-25, F
Jan 24, 2015