Torn And Numb

Ok so I have been married for going on 19 years to a wonderful man and I have a great life. but all my life I have had this unexplained sadness and emptiness. I heard someone say "life is a funny old dog" and it is. I read stories on here about a graduql awakening or being jolted into awareness by an attraction to certain woman. I honestly just woke up one morning and said "you are gay." I felt really happy and, I don't know, peaceful maybe. But then it hit me - what am I going to do. I love my husband. We have such a good time together and I have had a great life with him. No more sex though and very little affection anymore. Now I know why. As soon as I found this out and acknowledged this myself, I knew I had to tell him. But I waited for two weeks or so until I could talk to a therpaist. When talking with her I was half hoping she would say "are you sure you are a lesbian?' When I mentioned this to her she was obviuosly very convinced that I am.
So I needed to tell my husband. I went to see a friend first and joked about moving in with her which obvioulsy stopped her conversation in its tracks. I indicated that I had a feeling that my marriage may be ending soon she said "is it because you are gay?" Holy **** - I did not know this yet she told me she has had "an inkling" for years. Makes me feel like a dope. anyway, I told him last night and he cried so hard and it hurt so badly. I felt like I was watching an ant under a magnifying glass and I could not stop holding the glass. He went to a meeting for AA and when he came home he was so supportive says he wants me to be happy. He said he knows I love him because I have stood by him through some pretty bad times. I think I would feel better if he had told me he hates me. So now I feel numb. What the hell is going to happen. And when I think about actually having a relationship with a woman it scares the hell out of me but I like looking at them online. I feel totally f***ed up. I am going to lose so much but I am glad I was honest with him. I feel heartbroken, destroyed and whole and elated all at the same time. Life is a funny old dog and it bit me hard.
gestshoup gestshoup
46-50, F
3 Responses Apr 17, 2012

Im in similar situation as your hubby check my post as your older this might work well for you and maybe save things

Hey ... I know exactly how you feel but .. throw in 3 college age sons and come from a very religious / evangelical background with family of the same mind and that's where I'm coming from! I haven't had the courage to tell my husband even though we also still have a good friendship it is not sexual at all anymore -- 3 years since we were intimate! I havn't been 'into' it mainly because I'm attracted to women which resurfaced in the last few years as I fell in love with a close friend (who doesn't share the same attraction) I honestly don't even know what the right thing is to do anymore. I don't want to hurt my boys or my husband so havn't said anything... just pretend all is well.

In some ways I wish my wife had a discreet affair with a woman with out me knowing but not a full on one effecting are lives just getting out of her system cause the pain and suffering I'm going through is horrible and I find it hard to trust now and yes I pretend its all good too

Hi. You wrote this quite a while ago and I'm wondering how you're doing. I only just happened apon this group. There are many of us like you in a group called " I am a lesbian married to a man" . If you haven't already, check it out.