Gay Husband Married To Straight Wife

One of the best or worst parts about the Internet is that it makes you realize you are not alone.  Since I was a kid, I have felt I might be gay, yet it was something I could not accept nor tell anyone.  In high school and college, I would go to those dirty book stores to get off with another guy, but in my social circle, I was all man and hot for women.

My guess is that while I tried to hide it as I grew up, by parents knew.  I will never forget the comment my dad made after meeting my girlfriend (who would become my wife).  She and I had stopped by one of his friends house where they had been drinking, and he made the comment that she was good looking and didn't think I had it in me.  The way he said it told me he had his doubts that I was straight.

Today, my wife and I have been married for almost 25 years.  Overall we have a good relationship and most would consider us extremely successful.  What they don't know is that we have a sexless marriage which causes the most frustration for both of us.

My wife and I have discussed this issue and she has approached the "are you gay" question multiple times but usually it is when we have been drinking and I never give her a straight answer.  I am sure she knows but has chosen to ignore.  

At this point in our life, I think we both are of the opinion that what we have with each other is not perfect, but there is so many other positive aspects between us, that it is worth staying together.  That and the fear of the unknown probably keep us together.  I know she has wondered if she would be able to find another guy at her age.  I worry that the grass may not be greener on the other side if I came out.

So life goes on.  Frustration builds up from time to time until she explodes, then within a day or two she is fine and we continue

mareb mareb
46-50, M
41 Responses May 6, 2010

Unless you have been thru this or are going thru this you have no right to a veiwpoint. Life and love is so much more complicated than choosing what gender to have sex with. This is in not an easy choice or decision. I have been married for almost 25 years and love my husband. He is my best friend. We are trying to figure this out. Stay away if you know nothing about it.

I was in your situation, but told my wife the truth. I truly loved her, still do, but I knew she deserves to be happy. I could and would never be able to make her truly happy. We have one life, and it is far too short to be deceiving and lying to loved ones. Be authentic, and give all parties involved the best opportunity to love, be loved and find true happiness.

Sure, the thoughts of being alone, never finding someone who understands me and my value I place on family and my children on top of the fact of not relating to the "gay world" scared me, but those are selfish thoughts and didn't override my ex wife's chance at happiness.

Be honest, to yourself and to your family. So many guys say they are bisexual, but are lying to themselves. If you are not having sex with your wife, note having sex with other women but are seeking out multiple men... You, my friend are gay.

It makes us as women feel so unwanted and unattractive. It's wrong to ask us to give our lives and time to a man who is just using us because he's afraid to be who he id inside. I have no compassion for you men who lie to a woman that loves you. Be gay and stay away from women. We have a right to be with a man who likes women. Your wrong in every way...come out of the closet and stop lying what u like ****..just live that life not a pretend one liking *****

It's much more complicated than that. Not all of us are thrilled with being gay, and yearn for what is considered a "normal" life. Especially when there's pressure from family, friends, and society in general! Not that any of that excuses hiding our sexuality, but it certainly does factor into our decisions - decisions we made twenty or thirty years ago when America was a much different place!

Also, many of us actually fell in love with the women we married! Being infatuated with a beautiful lady, and wanting a home and family, are ideals gay men carry as well. Add children into the equation, and surely you can understand the difficulty we find ourselves faced with.

Again, I'm not excusing myself from my deceit. I was wrong and should have been brave enough to be who I really am. I also can't speak for any other men in this type of marriage, but I'll guess the joy of fatherhood and approval by society was an enticing reason to stay closeted. Unfortunately at the wives' expense........

So good for you and unfortunate for her. To bad right?
Way to dehumanise someone just because you cannot face the horror of what you have done to them! Congratulations! Because you are more important than she is. It is her duty to sacrifice for you. Too bad that you exposed her to depression and STDs. But you needed the best of both worlds. YOU. YOU. YOU. While she withers and fades.

You are a disgusting liar who ruined an innocent woman's life and are even worse for being so matter of fact about it. There is a place in hell for you.

Perhaps, but both of us have remained strong in our faith through this. She has emerged as a stronger and more independent woman. I'm not attempting to be praised - I merely state that as a testament to her character.

You feel no remorse. So obviously even if you had been with a man you wouldchave found a way to wound him too.

Way to take credit for her efforts to put up with the suffering you put her through. You need psychiatric help.

1 More Response

hey guess what my husband is the love of my life I tried to commit suicide when I found out after 17 years when I was 54 years old. what the hell are are you thinking? I am still married to him I love him adore him and I know he has sex with men and it kills me sSTOP VICTOMIZING WOMEN

Sounds like your being totally played..look your husband like ****...your dont got one...hes using you because hes weak and afraid...wake up ..he has you fooled...**** love ...he dt love anything but **** in his ***..HES GAY DIVORCE HIM ODIOT....MY man isnt gay i just know a man who is lying to his innocent loving wife and i think its wrong...he spends hours and hours online looking at dicks and zero time with his wife..i hate watching her are a victim time to see what he is doing to you..
Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Divorce him and run for the hills. Save yourself. We are born alone. We die alone. So it wont kill you to be alone for a while. It is better for a straight person to be single than be "married" to a demented narcissist homosexual and live in a crazy hallucination.
You deserve love and respect. So love and respect yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family. Ditch that evil piece of excrement.

This is pretty interesting, to say the least. I am gay and have been in a straight marriage for over 35 years. I love my wife, she is my best friend, and I have told her. I grew up in an era when homosexuality was a sin - catholic crap - and felt guilty for being me. I spent 20 years in the military, the epitomize of homophobes, and survived to retire. It's tough. I have had anonymous gay affairs, sex shop encounters, etc., had my world been different growing up, I wouldn't be writing this. Luckily my wife understands. We were sexual for several years, then it slowed and I told her. We enjoy gay **** together, and alone. She enjoys that I don't hide my desires from her. I haven't screwed around on her in over 15 -20 years. I knew I was gay at 11, the first time I saw a mans erect penis in a **** magazine. Beautiful, to this day. Get over yourselves. If you're gay don't marry a woman, it's not fair to her, or you. Gays were crucified in my day, not yours, enjoy your freedom, br proud, and don't ruin someone else's life out of your personal ignorance or selfishness.

Wait so you've never had sex with her? I'm gay too and plan on marry a woman but when I do I would at least attempt to enjoy my wife and let her enjoy me. I mean why get married in the first place if you are just going to torture her and yourself? She will probably cheat on you if she hasn't done so already. If I knew I wouldn't be having sex with my wife I wouldn't marry her in the first place, live life in the closet, and secretly sleep with men as a "bachelor." You're out of your mind.

She will cheat on you. She will know. You will never be as good as a straight guy. You will be inadequate. Emotionally. Physically. She will know. She will leave.

It is not your is the judeo-christian ethos concerning sexuality that is the culprit. The classical greeks concept of sexuality was totally different .. they thought nothing of men having anal intercourse with each historians have written.The human brain is more complex than the whole galaxy . All we can do is be follow the law ...stay sane happy and in credit .. and do right by any females and offspring we have produced ... that means not committing suicide..since they won't get life insurance . If we were perfect ..we would be angels and there would be no need to desire heaven .

I have heard your stories from several friends. You make choices in life based on what makes the most sense at the time. I'm sure at the time homosexuality was not a real choice for you. Live the best you can and remember that there is no true right or wrong...whatever works for you and your partner. Good luck.

You might be bisexual and not necessarily gay, I found that I was bi when I thought I might be gay.

Gay is is a liePlease reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I agree stand4truth. Men say they are bisexual for their own benefit. They aren't having sex with their wives or girlfriends but are having sex with numerous men online and play the "married" card. It's all for show. I have a friend lying to himself and playing this game right now.

I was young when I met my ex-husband, 24 to his 31. We were together for 7.5 years, married for 3.5 years, before I found texts on his phone from a man of a sexual nature. Confronting him led his confession that although he doe not associate with being "gay", he has 1) searched for other married men to hook up with on Craigslist, 2) chatted with men and engaged in sexual texting and emailing through gay **** sites, and 3) tried counseling by himself to "cure" himself of these cravings. When I found out of his choices, and how his risky behavior had affected me, divorce was the only decision to be made. I ask the men in this section that are confused and unwilling to tell their wives to please be honest! Do not expose them to your risky behavior as it will hurt them more in the end. Try to explain your cravings and interests to them before you are married. If you are already married, the longer you wait, the more hurt and pain they will feel when they finally find out. You owe it to yourself to be honest with them. Love is mentioned in many of these postings and that you do not want to lose their love. Life is too short for both of you to live a lie. Although I was devastated to find out about my gay ex-husband, I am happy that it happened and that we can both move forward with our lives separately from each other. It is never too late to be honest, and I cannot believe that any woman would want to continue to live her life surrounded by your lies.

My wife and I are happy and she knows I occasionally crave a mans passion. She accepts it and our love life is good. She idles lower than me so she understands my needs

Do you ever have sex with guys?

I had doubts for a long time during our marriage. Then one day I discovered a computer full of gay ****. He came up with a million excuses, mostly blaming me for not trusting or being paranoid. Now 10 years later I found out accidentally that he was fooling with a guy...of course I am not 100% certain what he did, but I am sure he has done it before. So he comes home (married 23 years) and I confront him...he says "yea i am gay (first said Bi) and want a divorce".
His lies and denial are ridiculous...he tells some people he is gay, others he is bi, his story is never straight.
he has shattered my life and does not care. I have asked so many times and he just lied. It is a horrible thing to use someone like that and have your cake on the side!

Iamgrace, your story is exactly my story-down to the 23 years. Disclosure was 3 years ago this month and gay ex and I were divorced before years end. I must say that while I don't think I will ever recover 100%, I am better. You will get better also but be patient. I am sure there are women who are able to put the past behind them but I cannot completely reconcile that my entire adult married life was inauthentic. And that my ex basically stole any chance I ever had to lead a "normal" middle class life. What gave him the right to steal that from me when I married him, full of love and trust. These men are bottom feeders in my opinion. He has been called "brave" for coming out as he did. No. Not brave. Brave would have been if he had come out in 1984 when it wasn't so chic. Good luck.

My husband continues to lie just to save face. His denial to the world runs deep. Yet he continues to contact men. He tells me rarely that he loves me and holds no regard for my happiness. Now matter what I do he lives in a world of frustration. Wives know when their husbands are gay. It's our test of honesty with ourselves. Just who do we think we are doing a favor for by staying with a husband that is incapable of true love? We need to woman up and move on for everyones benefit.

I am a 28 year old girl who got divorced after 3 months of marriage to a gay husband and about a long period of engagement.
This experience changed my life upside down, made me lose all my dreams and made it so hard for me to trust any person in the whole world. I had a problem for some time with my beliefs and morals. I am religious, so conservative in my life.
I really used to feel that he loved me and I loved him deeply. The only thing I asked from him is to make me feel safe. During the engagement, sometimes I felt that something is wrong but I always gave excuses.
Anyways, we didn’t consummate our marriage, NEVER. I am still a virgin. I always felt that he didn’t want me and any act of affection would be out of duty. Not once did I feel that he loved being around me. I always felt something is wrong. We used to fight a lot on silly things. He loved being out of the house. 3 months later he told me that he wanted divorce because we are not getting along.
I gave him more than one chance, but he let me down, not once I felt that he wanted me at his house. Is this marriage? What happened to all the sacred feelings and commitments of marriage?
Let me tell you that living with a gay husband, is not a problem because of lack of sex only. This is a minor part and many would live without it. I used to think that he is impotent and that wasn’t a problem for me at all. But the problem is these men can’t live with a woman. Fights would be the title of their marriage because they always feel that they cannot live this world, it is not theirs.
Why would I pity him? He knew about himself all the time and dragged me to this hell. When God created marriage, he did it between man and woman to complete and satisfy each other which is not the case in gay straight marriage. The deceit, lies and betrayal cannot make two people live with each other happily, and friendship is something else than marriage.
I wish that gay guys would never marry, because they would be literally killing the girls.
Sorry for the long letter but you gave me a chance to express myself because I can’t do this. Because I can’t tell people about him and my feelings, and even if I do they won’t understand.
I will never forgive him for ripping my life..

Totally get you. These men are terrible. They want a woman to show the world. But they treat her like crap. The fact that they do not want her is evident in every small thing. So be brave and chuck that trash in the bin.

The best revenge is forgetting his miserable existence. Move on. Focus on work and people who do love you. Remember that when a person spreads garbage around it is because they themselves are full of it. So forget this gay dude who is a coward. You are courageous in ditching him and standing up for yourself.

This is a slow miserable death I know from personal experience. I was unknowingly married to a gay man for 22 years. It does not seem that these men care about systematically breaking another human being down after all it all about them.

I've known men in similar circumstances. If you are in a sexless marriage, honesty may actually make your wife feel better-she is not the cause of the lack of sex/romance. It would also give you both the option to seek out what you both have been craving while staying married. At this point you are like good friends who share a bed. Something to consider if leaving is not of interest/a reasonable option. Make the most of the time you have left. Life is short.

sexless marriage? I think you have to give yourselves a chance to be happy,set her free, set yourself free


My husband and I have been together for 14 years. He sarted chatting online with swingers and insisted that he thought that swinging would spice up our sex life. We had had a lot of problems and I didn't think it was right for us to do it. Through persistence and feeling that there wasn't any other way, I gave in. I hated it at first. He would press the issue, and I found that he was talking to mostly men. I was naive in thinking that it was about setting up events or their wives. He admitted to having a "curiosity" of men.
Noticing that his possesiveness was growing, not wanting me to talk to anyone, while he could carry on with whom he wanted. Still finding that nothing really worked to spice it up. Through time in the Lifestyle of Swinging, I found myself not caring anymore about commitment. In loneliness I found myself in one affair after another. Oh, there were so many conversations about us and we attended counseling from time to time. Just nothing would break through. So many of our friends would even ask me if I knew if he was gay. I would disregard it. Then it really hit me when I found emails being sent to Craigslist Ads he was interested in. He said he had a curiosity. But I begged that he at least watch his health in the process. I had my blood tested just in case.

We forged through some pretty tough times following that, I loved him anyway, but I needed the love of a man that needed me and to touch me. Someone to connect with emotionally and physically. I had never felt to friggin lonely. We discussed it. He just told me to go find some but not tell him. He couldn't see how much I needed someone to just love me. He always seemed so angry and would say it was me upsetting him. I sought more counseling. we both agreed that the swinging had been hurtful for us, and made an agreement to stop. But then a few months later he picked back up with the pix and videos being sent out, and answering Craigslist Ads. I was devastated. In my anger I confronted him for lying to me, cheating, stealing from me my self-esteem (from the countless comments of my imperfections). He denied the emails existed, he then would say it meant nothing because he never heard back from them. He swore he still loved me. But its not about if he loves me. It's more like he can't love me as a man who desired to be with a woman could. There's a difference, a support rather that a competition, an adornment instead of a obligatory love. He says he's not gay, just bi. I didn't sign up for this. He loves me and doesn't want divorce. But I should learn to live with this. So increadibly unfair. Even our counselor tells me to consider divorce (but that's not the first time I've heard that).
He is being selfish, he's scared, and not sure how to trust himself. I get it. I just would have appreatiated not being his cover. I have no idea where we are going. financially I'm stuck, but working my way to supporting myself again. We made choices in our situation for me to be stay at home Mom. Never did I think it would put me in this position. Lesson learned.

Thank you all for posting your stories. It's through you that I'll begin to understand.

You and I are in the same set of shoes....
However I have children all girls now to bring up. Everyday I hear how crazy I am and how I upset him into doing things.

You totally suck as a man and husband! You hide your lie and shame by marrying a woman and use her as a blanket for cover-up. All these years you have her thinking something is wrong with her and all the while you let your wife live in a shame of denial. Seriously man up!

Agree with every word you said. It is cowardly what this man has done. Live alone if you are afraid to come out. Don't ruin a entire lifetime of a innocent woman, who only dreamed of having "a" husband.

Breaks my heart to read of gay spouses. It happened to me and my life will never be the same...not even close. I hate living and wish I had never met him. There might have been a chance but no chance now.

Interesting rationalization,"I am sure she knows but has chosen to ignore." If this statement were in any way true she wouldn't have bothered to ask the question. "Frustration builds up from time to time until she explodes...and then she is fine and we continue". As someone trapped in one of these horrific situations I suggest that maybe one day she won't "be fine" and the explosion will include a return of the 20+ years of pain you've provided.<br />
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I smile to my husband each day and tell him "I love you" when the truth is I hate his guts and his bald-faced lie of a life. Yes, he tells all we have a wonderful life together. He gets to pretend he's straight to himself and others while I get to die a little bit more each day. But never mind. In your special case I'm certain your wife loves you and doesn't mind. Keep on imagining everything's okay and it will be, for sure. (Yes, sarcasm on.)<br />
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Please get counseling, therapy, rip-roaring drunk or whatever it takes to accept yourself and set your wife free.

Yes living dead! What a curse! What have I done to deserve a life like ours?

Yes it happened in my life too. I wonder why he was after me to get married. I guess for the cover it provides and children. Didn't think twice about ruining my life, bastard!

You have to take the first step of separating. She will thank you later on down the line. It is not fair to her and it only gets worse.

Hi, Mareb and others. I can truly relate to your story. Like you, I've been married for many years and have been asked countless times by my wife if I'm gay. My thoughts about being gay may stem from my father sexually abusing me as a child. <br />
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Being a martial artist for over 30 years and lifting weights avidly, I figured I would become so masculine that nobody would ever question my masculinity. That has changed since I had a nervous breakdown about 6 weeks ago.<br />
I married the most beautiful woman I could have ever thought existed 26 years ago. Not only is she still beautiful, but truly understanding. She and our 2 kids have thought that I was gay for the longest time. Let me be totally honest with everyone, even though nobody here knows me, I have never had a truly sexual relationship with anyone until I met her. <br />
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To make a long story short, she found out that I was chatting with a few gays since I left my chat session open for her to see. Our kids are grown up, finished with college, and are out of our home. NEVER did I ever want to hurt her, though, since she is a really wonderful person. <br />
Little could I have expected, she actually embraced me and told me that she loved me more than ever. That made me "Lose" it and started to cry. How the **** could someone love me that much since I chat with gays. So everyone knows, I chatted because, honestly, I thought, in my shallow mind, that I was the only one that was raped by his father as a child. It was comforting to meet others that were raped by their fathers, though, I take NO comfort in knowing that they were raped, but that I was not alone. <br />
I'm at a crossroads now since I'm in counseling. My wife tells me that we could go our separate ways so I could pursue any path I wish to travel. But, she is the love of my life, so, I'm torn. <br />

You have the most amazing wife by the sounds of it. I understand the trauma you experienced as a child, you did not ask for it and did not deserve it, it was NOT your fault. Your wife is supporting you, but what are you doing for your wife are you supporting her. In healing others we heal ourself. You cannot fix yourself by breaking another person.

I went thru a devastating divorce because my now ex was living a double life and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars doing it. He saved all receipts he hoped I woulf find but I was too busy working and raising our two year old and 4 month old when I finally found out thru bankstatements he was making a killling but we were broke..till this day he punishes me for divorcing him..i couldnt live a sexless monyless life anymore..the story goes on and on years later

Good for you. A lot of wives don't get to leave for whatever reasons.

I am a married man, with a beautiful wife, and 3 beautiful children. My wife and I had a fantastic sex life, until she was diagnosed with OCD. Then the sex went out the door. The spontaneity went bye bye. Now every time she wants to have sex, I have to go take a shower and clean up. I like it at 4 am, she likes it at 9pm. I went for years giving it to her when she wanted, then I just stopped. It was no longer worth it to me. When we were dating she would perform oral sex, which she no longer does. She has changed significantly since we got married. So much so, that I am no longer attracted to her sexually. I have had sex with men in my youth, which I chalked up to experimentation. Now I can't stop thinking about having a relationship with a guy. But I love my family very much and cannot imagine not being with them everyday.

I came out to my wife a year ago.We are still together and have 2 kids. I love them very much but I am not happy living my life as a lie.I wonder about life on the other .It's not fair to my wife doing this as we are best friends but I know I can't make her happy

I am a wife of a gay man. I totally understand what you and your wife are going threw. I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years now. Before we even started dating I knew he was bi. Two weeks ago he came out of the closet. he had sex with one man before we were dating. Has not cheated. He does have sex still with me. our relationship is Perfect minus not knowing what to do now?? My Question for you is do you wake up happy everyday knowing you are with your wife or do you reget not having a man?? Tell her if your soal mates she will understand and go from there, we have kids too. I am happy my husband told me eventho my world is upside down right now wondering if my husband is going to deside to persue his gay nature. We have been 100% competely honest with each other from day one. So I truely respect him telling me even tho, my life might suck forever now. I am so in LOVE with him that I know I will let him do what ever he thinks is right for him. On a good note I have truely lived the best 5 years of my life with him and not many people have experianced the true love that I have. Hope to stay together completely forever :') Just wanted to let you know that your not alone. And if your not going to tell your wife then make sure you are menally with her 100%, and not wondering if the grass is greener on the other side! she is your wife she can tell if something is bothering you. Deside and stick to your choice. Just BE HAPPY life is too short to not be happy!!<br />

OMG Jen get out when you have a chance. It only gets worse with age. I can find another husband when you are young.m do you want to be alone in your old age. No no get out now.

I'm not being funny actually serious I felt even though my husband and I are BFF I felt sexually I didn't have the right parts to satisfy him and I decided maybe we can make a reverse change that will entice him and it has. I play the man role and he plays the wife role and I take of him as if I am a man and he is the woman and it has fired up our marriage on a good level ...idk but maybe that will help he hasn't been with a man yet but if he does I will let him ....

Of course I am a married man who is gay just like some of you here. My wife has known for all of our 45 year marriage. She has consistently denied it and pretends it is not true. She believes it is a sin and that I could go to hell for it. She refuses ever to discuss it. I have offered and asked for divorce and she just tells me that I am being selfish and that even though now our kids are adults, that they deserve to have a family that is "normal." I have attempted suicide and gone to therapy for years and have been on anti depression medicine for years. I work two jobs and sometimes have worked three. I have tried so hard to accept the responsibility for a choice made at age 20. I did not think I would live into my 60's so I endured it all. On a number of levels I do love her and having a family, but I hate the lie that has defined my life. Frankly most of the time I have lived a monks life but I have had some very intense and passionate encounters too. I felt deep satisfaction with these encounters, but also wrestled with endless guit and shame, not for having gay sex but for the hypocrisy of it all. I recognize that some people here want to blame me and condemn me. I doubt any of you loath me more than I do myself...not for being gay, not for being dishonest with my wife...I have not been...but for thinking I could "do the right thing"....I don't think my wife or society would ever allow me to be who I am.....death is the only option for someone like me.

That isn't true no one blames u or condemns u this is who u r within and no one has the right to judge ...I never thought I would be with a man married no lessbto someone who finds being with man is something he needs to do in his life he is 53 yrs old then life is too short he needs to do it and he wants me by his side which I will do...I am 38 and our marriage we spent more times apart than together and last year we finally got back together and we have been good but he needs to have that other part of him come out and if we separate because he wants a man instead of me than it was meant to be that way but he can't say I held him back and I would wish him much love and it will be our secret no bitterness or drama just a new chapter

caringdaddy: Your post resonated so much with me. I do love my wife. I love our children. I wouldn't take anything for them. AND I wish for more authenticity. But to embrace authenticity is to lose everything else and inflict pain, resentment, humiliation, and confusion on everyone I love. There is no choice. There is only this - personal pain and conflict - much better than inflicting it on everyone else. Thanks for sharing your post.

On August 21, I found a text message from another man to my husband that was quite explicit about a sexual act they had shared together. I was not snooping - he was using his iPhone for music, and I was just adjusting the volume when it popped up. Since then, I've been all over the board - he told me he "prefers the feel of a woman's vagina" to a man and that, really, having sex with men was a hobby ... "like tennis ..."<br />
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In these past three months, I've been to a great therapist who has made me realize that he IS homosexual - no matter what he says - and that we need to move forward with this in mind. We have three daughters (12 and under), he is prominent in the community (many non-profit boards, about to be the chair of the city's Chamber of Commerce) and most people who know him do not know he is gay.<br />
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So I'm left with a decision - to tear up my family and make him move out (and be the bad guy, forever villified for breaking up our family, especially when he marries again), or find a way to be happy and muddle through this mess. It's all still very new - and it hurts so much. <br />
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I always joked that I loved him more than he loved me ... now it's so very clear that was true.<br />
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So, mareb, I think the two of you owe each other a very honest conversation - in a loving atmosphere, remembering what brought you together to begin with. Start over with complete honesty, and actively decide what the rest of your life will be like - together or apart. You CAN make it work.

All - I have an obligation to update this post. After Christmas, husband admitted to me that he had gay affairs throughout our courtship and early marriage, in addition to the affair I found out about. I am crushed by his dishonesty - the "double life" he's led for years. He's not happy - even though he desperately wants to be. What is missing - in my opinion - is the fundamental respect people who are in relationships show one another. He never respected me, and certainly was not in a position to love me deeply the way a husband loves a wife. So I've spent 14 years building a life on his shifting sands ... and I've decided that I cannot stay. I'll be meeting with a divorce attorney next week. I'm hoping he'll go through the Collaborative Divorce process, so that we can soften the blow for our children. I have absolutely nothing left for him but disgust at his ongoing deceit. I want my children (all girls) to be protected from him. How could he have said that this was just a hobby - like tennis? I'm so hurt - again - it just doesn't seem to stop. And, it would not have mattered if he was having sex with men, women or goats ... the fact that he was able to have sex with me and tell me he loved me while still seeing others is enough. He's outta here.

I am so sorry ,"shesfrugal", My ex husband started by telling Me he was bi curious, and it was just, "curiousity" yrs. into our marriage. I was in My 20's and pretty numbed by it as we both worked so much, he told me all the gay phone sex calls were made by his 11yr old son that rang up 1,000's of dollars. I couldn't understand he WAS/IS gay as he swore he tried kissing a man and hated it once...then I found his emails after many yrs. wondering....they were to mainly men but some women, mostly transvestites or shemales...he asked me to use a strap on the whole marriage claiming it was strictly a Dominatrix thing to do of Dominance(yeah right)...I obliged as he proclaimed it just stimulated his prostate...boy was I mislead(and lied to) The physical intimacy got less and less and his all male encounters seemed more and more including finding phone lists of men he reguraly chatted with about gay sex with *** by their names.ugh Then came the blow of his secret apt. he kept to hook up with said men as he told me his job which required out of town work paid for housing in Indiana...He lived in the very same city not going to work half the time in Indiana for these liasons with others. Then the real kicker is when I finally caught him in a bar drunk out of his mind getting a hand job by a she-male infront of our friends in a champagne room(he denied was male) I kicked him out while he professes his love only to find during separation when his brother dies in obituary, he was married to (I think) a female in Indiana while married to Me??? We hadnt even filed divorce yet- Ladies and Gentlemen if you have to have a secret life just be single. I think this Woman (who I told he was gay) has finally figured out I told her the truth to save her pain. I feel cheated out of half My life as a lie with a cold hearted human who didnt consider anything about how I would feel if I knew. Why did he beg me to marry him for 4yrs. without telling me any of this? I still to this day can NOT wrap My head around any of this NOR how this happened to Me. It is the WORST pain ever and I will certainly never I said, Please be honest.

Make it work????? It can be also dangerous life style, health wise. No need for the charade. Get a divorce. No one needs to know why?

My decision to stay in the closet is out of fear of losing my wife and the life we have built together. And the thought of her with another man tears me apart. But I also know as many have commented; that it is not fair for her to not have the intimacy and sexual attraction from a man that makes her feel like a women.<br />
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I recently saw a quote that is very thought provoking to me: <br />
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"You know you love someone when you want them to be happy, even if their happiness means that you are not a part of it."

plain and simple if you are hiding being gay from your spouse rather male or female you are untrustworthy and dishonest. Why should she or he have to be with someone they can not truely satisfy or fullfill all because you dont have the nerve to come clean,.grow up and stop living a lie! It makes me so angry to think that some people find it okay to hide such an important part like sexuality in a marriage. That is just a selfish thing to do.

Broken hearted and finding it hard to acept after 40 years of marriage. We are in our 60s and at the brink of retirement. We have worked in buisnesses together most of our married lives enjoying it all. Now in the past year husband admits he has been attracted to men and actively sought them out for friendship and sex. I am devistated and feel I no longer have anything to look forward to in my sunset years as I thought after all the hard work we would retire and travel and live happily ever after. You never know what the future holds and right now all all I do is cry.

try finding a group called Alternate Path on Yahoo....its meant for women like you.

There's also a Yahoo group for Wives of Bi, Gay, Trans Husbands - I would suggest both, to get a balanced view.

My story exactly. I wish young women who realize early in life about their husband's true nature,knew how lucky they are to have a chance to move on and find another husband. But youth is wasted in the youth. I can't believe so many here choosing to stay for sake of the kids. Believe me it gets worse when they get older and they can feel that something is wrong.

Sometimes I want so bad to just up and leave it all and go find like-minded people, but I know what that would do to the people I love, so I keep it in the closet. I doubt I will ever come out, but will keep discreet and safe.

they'll find out. then it will be harder

Yes, Bones, you are right. It's VERY painful to find out about your gay spouse, and then have them fess up.

I have a similar situation. We both cant have what we want because of societys screwed up opinions. I have to agree with what everyone said here but lets also not forget the challenges women face with society. As a young teen I experiemented as did boys of course, not to say I had *** with them but messed around a little - boyfriend/girlfirend stuff. Some of the boys were not exactly my type but I was flattered they wanted to go out with me (yes I had low self esteem I guess or just naive) so I played along in a few rare cases. Well one that I didnt really like much from day one was so crushed that we had a relation and I just broke it off that he started saying I was sleeping with the entire city. This reputation caught on because I did date a lot but not that I really slept with them. (To this day he's not married and I swear he is still stalking me because he puts art work on his facebook relating to whats happened in my life also revenge type- war pictures - its weird. Now my rep is still ruined even though I've been married 17 years (to my gay husband) and I cant work in a place where Im not villanized by my past behavior- or thought past behavior which was actually healthy behavior. I am a human and I am a woman, I'm not dirty, why cant I be left to live and have a career without harassment? I'm in the same boat as a gay who came out of the closet!!<br />
To make matters worse I know my husband is gay. His family knows and hid it from me all along. In fact I almost think his father did some things to him growing up because hes gay too. I didnt make much of some of their comments when we were dating but now its all come together. Do you think its fair for them not to mention it at all? Especially his mother. He has not mentioned it to me and I once made a comment about gay men in a bad way and he was upset. We have a sexless marriage as well. I miss having intimacy and closeness. We are just simply friends, and all of these years I came home crying because my coworkers were villianizing me treating me like a loose dirty scoundrel, spreading it around, ruining my rep and feeling like I HAD to go to work and deal with all this harassment for years- he couldnt possibly really love me if he left me with all the hurt I felt everyday and not tell me to just quit or do something else. In other words - I know he cares but he's lacking when it comes to really feeling for me. It seems to be more a financial situation for him and a safety net of sort. I want to break free but what am I to do if I'm harassed to the point of mental breakdown and cannot work? In other words I have to either find a way to work harassment free, or stay in a sexless marriage for financial security. We both cant have what we want because of society's screwed up opinions of whats right about women having sex and gayness. At least gay issues are being worked on - womens human rights to be a person are not even addressed. I'm angry that I have to be in a marriage where my husband is looking at my son with gazing eyes- it makes me ill. He obviously is gay but likes them to be younger as well. He's an awesome dad for my daughter and she cannot live without him. I would prefer if we just separated for now - I will just have to find some job to keep us afloat. If someone had come to me say 10 years ago and said hey - I'm gay so if you want to separate and find somone else have at it. Now I'm 41 and getting to the point that I dont think it would be all that easy especially dealing with the womens issues and my reputation - nobody would even WANT me with that kind of rep. I also fear of getting involved with someone else with another problem thats even worse - say they like little girls or teens or have acute depression or drinking binges or some other awful problem. You just have to deal with these major blows in life and hope that your next life is better since this one is too short to even fix before your dead.

People! Wake up! Where is your commonsense? Since the Romans, Greeks, and countless others, gay men have always been around. There is no REAL reason to assume that all men who marry have to be straight---that "at least they are not gay." The Kinsey Institute of Sexual Research and other reputable entities have learned that roughly 48-52 percent of males either have or want(ed) to have some sort of same-sex encounter at least at one time in their lives (and this figure doesn't even include the countless men who hide and lie about their inner feelings on this subject!). Being gay is not a there is no way one can choose which sex they naturally turned out to be attracted to. Sure it is dishonest to marry if one suspects they are gay, but there are so many other ways to be dishonest too, so why focus on this one? Many gay men have, do, and always will marry women probably for a variety of legitimate reasons such as truly loving the woman in their lives despite their inner selves, fear of the unknown, social taboos, getting and keeping jobs they love, and also because if they come out, they just may be killed while in their sleep by some closeted and confused idiot who has problems coping with the truth about himself. The thing is if straight people would stop bashing, hating, and stigmatizing gays and allow gays to make straight friendships too, then more gays would not make the "mistake" of marring women. Sometimes our society can be its own worst enemy and this is a perfect example.

a sexless marriage is ruining your wives bodies , minds and self-esteem . <br />
those women are probably blaming themselves , trying anything to get some attention... some of them suspect something's wrong but they are too scared to fight for an answer. <br />
if you love your straight wives , remember they are AGING and will not be given a second chance.<br />
im one of them , im aging fast and i feel so damn lonely. he is like you guys , pretending everything's just fine.<br />
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being gay is not a choice but being honest is...

To all you gay husbands out there: you are committing a crime!<br />
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What you are doing to your wives is the horrific abuse and theft. You are stealing their youth away and their biological right to be with a man who really desires them. They probably have never had that and do not know what they are missing. You have no right to take hostage someone else's life due to your coward behaviour. <br />
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Second- you are also wasting your own lives, just like the 50 year old above mentioned. He is right.<br />
Go live your lives and let the women be free. You would both have some fun. <br />
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Of course they will resent your coward behaviour, but it is better late then never. Try to make it up to them. <br />
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You only live once!

Last night my wife had an emotional outburst. She had lunch with a coworker and found the experience stimulating, not that she was attracted to him, but realized she is missing a strong emotional connection with a man. She expressed anger that we don't have sex and she misses that emotional of a man that is turned on by her and hungry to have sex with her. She advised me that she is looking, then went to bed. She was civil to me this morning, but when I kissed her bye as a left for wore and said I love you - no response from her.

I'm in the same boat!! but it's not always easy to realise your gay nature, looking back as a kid all my sexual experiences where gay, but my mind kind of blocked it out and yes you chase girls and join in with the boy's.<br />
Like you I'm now married to a wonderful person, happy in so many ways but always under the surface I am asking "what if" even now in my 50's I dream about breaking away and starting again but this time being ME, but the price I would pay! I lose contact with my kids and my best friend, my wife.<br />
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For me it's to late but advise to younger gay men, DON'T hide it! it's not only murderers that can get a life sentence<br />
Enjoy being who you are, it's agony always to be living a lie

You'd be amazed at what it can be like to be out and married to a woman. It doesn't mean being cut off, cut out, or abandoned. I am gay, married, out and life went on. I did not cheat on her, but now we have an open marriage after 2 yrs of counseling and I have a BF if I want it. I am doing what you want, just reach out and come out.

You are like my soul mate twin......I am just like you

good advice bones! your approach is what most wives would prefer rather than being lied to and strung along.

Stay where you are and you will find a reward.