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I Am Definately Gay But Married To A Woman

From the time I was a little boy, I was aware that I had an attraction to the same sex.  I went up until 28 living a life style that was very dangerous.  I met my wife then.  We were married that same year and the next had our first of 3 children.  All this time I was still very attracted to men.  After 20 years of marriage, I realize that I want out of the relationship but still have 2 little boys at home.  I am in the dark as what to do.  I want to go back to what i am attracted to, but I don't want to hurt the kids.

oneiam oneiam 46-50 14 Responses Feb 26, 2011

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I was young when I met my ex-husband, 24 to his 31. We were together for 7.5 years, married for 3.5 years, before I found texts on his phone from a man of a sexual nature. Confronting him led to his confession that although he does not associate with being "gay", he has 1) searched for other married men to hook up with on Craigslist, 2) chatted with men and engaged in sexual texting and emailing through gay web sites, and 3) tried counseling by himself to "cure" himself of these cravings. When I found out of his choices, and how his risky behavior had affected me, divorce was the only decision to be made. I ask the men in this section that are confused and unwilling to tell their wives to please be honest! Do not expose them to your risky behavior as it will hurt them more in the end. Try to explain your cravings and interests to them before you are married. If you are already married, the longer you wait, the more hurt and pain they will feel when they finally find out. You owe it to yourself to be honest with them. Love is mentioned in many of these postings and that you do not want to lose their love. Life is too short for both of you to live a lie. Although I was devastated to find out about my gay ex-husband, I am happy that it happened and that we can both move forward with our lives separately from each other. It is never too late to be honest, and I cannot believe that any woman would want to continue to live her life surrounded by your lies.

By being honest you will teach your boys an important lesson in honesty and self respect. Chosing to leave your family unit is a different issue. As long as you love and care for the children you have, it will not matter if you are sleeping with mom or your new boyfriend. There are many conventional families that are far less functional and loving.

Many men who cannot be faithful marry and have kids and end up divorced and distant from their kids as they move on to their new woman-I don't see any outrage about that in the comments below. Point is we all make choices, for better or worse, learn from them and grow. Being happy and comfortable with yourself is the first step in learning to live life.

Good luck.

You can't just abandon your family now. That would be despicable. You knew what you were before you married your wife and had children, but you still went ahead with it. And now you owe them seomthing

You selfish SOB...You KNEW you were gay and then chose to drag a wife into your world?? Did you ever consider that she might actually want a life with a husband that has the capacity to love her emotionally and sexually? Guess not. I suppose you wanted children and used your wife as an incubator.
You are the worst. some men have not come to terms with their sexuality when they marry but you clearly had... and decided to marry anyway. Shame on you low life.

Although some people might know are gay they desperately want to be straight or at least live a "normal" life. If only decision in life were as simple and straightforward as you seem to think. A gay man marring a straight woman might seem like a stupid thing to do, but a straight married man having regular affairs seems really stupid to me. Everyone makes bad decisions from time to time.

You know, it's really really freakin hard to be some variant of other sexuality in this world. I'm married, and I'm 37, and just now figuring this all out and admitting it. I've always known, but that doesn't make anything easier. I'm not leaving my wife though, I love her and owe it to her and my children to be a husband and father. To be honest and safe. There are men in situations like ours all over the world. It does not have to be a negative situation. Don't listen to negativity!

Most of the people that have responded are ones who have already made a decision and have told you their side of the story. I actually am in the same situation right now. My wife and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary this year. We have three adorable little girls who are the light of my life and my greatest joy. I have chosen to stay married. Why? My family. There was a period of time a few years ago that I experimented with other guys for a while. Just flings, really. A few were amazing experiences, like I was finally coming home and being me for the first time. But, most of the experiences were bad.

My short period of such experiences gave me the realization that what I really want is a family. I wish to God that I didn't have this tremendous struggle...but I do. I chose my family. Every aspect of my family life feels right and is what I have actually wanted my whole life. The only aspect, sex, is difficult. But how much of a relationship is sex? Yes, for some it is everything. Believe it or not, I still have sex with my wife about once a week or so. I am able to do that because I hardly ever watch ****, j/o or anything. I used to, but as I have gotten older, I find that keeping myself very busy with my kids, my job and other things keeps the urge down and I am able to usually have sex with my wife. She is happy, and my physical needs are met. Granted, not in the way that I would like. But it is a sacrifice. It is a sacrifice that I am more than willing to make for me to have my family. Sex is not everything. Loving my wife and loving to make her happy and please her in so many different ways is priceless.

Believe me, I understand the pain and confusion and frustration. I came out to my wife years ago. I told her, in tears, that I just couldn't lie anymore. She hugged me and cried with me. Through the years, with her support, we have come to a peace. She knows what I struggle with. But she also knows that I have grown a lot since that day I told her. She knows that I am committed to her. Completely. It is a daily struggle for me. There are boys everywhere that I have a crush on, but somehow I have found a type of peace with my life. If I were to just up and leave my family because I found a boy that I loved....what would my life be like? My poor girls would lose their Daddy (at least I would not be in their lives completely as I am now), and I would be with a guy who might stay with me or might not. I know that commitment is difficult for many gay men, at least from what I have observed. So I have come to a conclusion. Why? Why do that to myself and to my children and wife? I have immense joy already in my life. As I said before, sex is not everything. But pure joy with a committed family is far more worth it than the chaos brought by choosing anything else. That's just my two cents.

I'm in a similar situation. I really like your story/comment.

wow, I'm so sorry you have to live with such a struggle, but i commend you for seeing that sex is not everything in a relationship, lots of people cheat or abandon a great relationship because things aren't perfect in the bedroom, the heart and soul of a person is much more important that sex. i believe that gays should have equal rights because i believe we should all live as we choose. as long as we don't hurt others. i am impressed with what you wrote, you seem to be a very evolved person

I really like your story Ben. I think if a married man gets married to a women knowing he is gay, I think the best idea is to tell your wife, and hope she understands..some wives will understand, and some won\'t. But think about the weight that is off your shoulders have you tell your wife. To me, it just seems a lot easier to be honest, then trying to sneak around all the time living a double life....The sad part is too if a married \"straight\" man falls in love with an openly gay man, but he married guy still wants to be with his family the gay guy gets hurt because the married man gets lead a \"normal\" life that society accepts, but the gay only get to see the married man when it is convenient for the married guy...kind of sad it has to be like that..its almost like you are second to the married man\'s family...no one wants to feel that way. Anyway, that\'s just my thoughts.

I agree you must be honest with your wife and come out to her ,But that also goes to straight people if they cheat on there other half the should have the guts to tell them not let them find out when they get some sort std lets face it their is allot of them around and who knows when someone has one.

My husband I believe is in the same situation. A couple of weeks ago I caught him at a gay spa. He tried to say that he just goes there, gets a room and wants to be alone, but I'm not a stupid woman. The reality is that if he is gay, and I think he is by his sexual actions with me, he needs to come clean. I will have way more respect for his honesty than his infidelity. People need to come to terms with who they are, and not try to be who society says they should be. I'm praying for you hun, and my husband. Honesty is always the best policy. And as far as the kids go....I have 2 from a previous marriage, and they are much happier with two happy separate parents than two that are together and miserable. Good luck!!!

My husband I believe is in the same situation. A couple of weeks ago I caught him at a gay spa. He tried to say that he just goes there, gets a room and wants to be alone, but I'm not a stupid woman. The reality is that if he is gay, and I think he is by his sexual actions with me, he needs to come clean. I will have way more respect for his honesty than his infidelity. People need to come to terms with who they are, and not try to be who society says they should be. I'm praying for you hun, and my husband. Honesty is always the best policy. And as far as the kids go....I have 2 from a previous marriage, and they are much happier with two happy separate parents than two that are together and miserable. Good luck!!!

i thought coming clean would be the best thing to do.... DONT EVER!!... go and have affairs and do what u want but dont ever come clean and dont ever let your kids live without a father even for a day.... i love my kid and i dont want him to suffer so now i act... i act and its kinda good.. living out my "real" side on the sly and acting out with the wife.... working fine for now..

It's better for your children to be from a broken home than to live in one ... come clean with your wife and let her decide what she wants to do. If she doesn't know you are gay, she's probably wondering why you are so emotionally distant - and yes, I speak from experience as the wife of a gay man. For years I wondered why he was so detached and seemed to enjoy sex less and less.



You owe her honesty - and the same for the kids. You'll always be their dad - to be fair, though, she gets to decide if you can still be her husband. You'll both be happier in the long run.

You are fare from alone,

I am married and gay , I have told my wife that im gay and she totaly suports me .

We have been married for 27 years now ,I told my wife 5 years ago and she was happy that I had the courage to be honest with her .We have kids and no they dont know because I do not want them to be picked on at school ,just because there dad is gay.

My wife and I have a real special relationship we can both have sex with who we want to as long as we tell each other .

You are not alone --- there are many men in your situation but it takes a tremendous amount

of courage to break up a marriage --- some are not willing to pay the price and suffer the

consequences. I speak from experience my wife divorced me after I told her about my

sexual attraction for men - we had been married for 26 years and I had been totally faithful.

She remarried within a year 10 years ago. My fem side also came out after the divorce

and I have had sex with men.

1) The objective of a marriage is not fidelity but longevity. So extra marital affairs done in a dignified way is not always a bad thing. Just be honest to your partner. Everyone does it, from Akexander the great, Josephine and Napoleon, to Lord Mountbatten. Its just we Anerican tend to be too prudish to carry off this kind of relationship with dignity.

2) Divorced if you must. The kids will be fine. Just because you love your kids doesn't mean you need to avoid living your life to it's fullest. Marriages have been dissolved and broken for so many reasons fir millenniums. Hence the concept of annulment in the Catholic Church. If anything, yours will be done on solid ground, you want to live with a person of different sex than your wife. Not a younger babe......

I AM IN A SIMILAR SITUATION I HAD NOT CHEATED ON MY WIFE FOR OUR 16 YEARS BUT SUDDENLY IN THIS JUNE EVERYTHING CHANGED I HAVE 2 SMALL CHILDREN AND DO LOVE MY WIFE BUT I LOVE THIS GUY TOO MUCH HE IS ALSO GETTING MARRIED IN A YEAR OR 2. I HAVE NOW DECIDED FOR THE SAKE OF MY CHILDREN TO STOP MY AFFAIR WITH THIS LOVE OF MY LIFE. I KNOW I WILL BE HEART BROKEN BUT I CANT BE SELFISH TO MY LITTLE ONES I LOVE THEM MORE THAN MY LIFE. I HAVE TOLD MY GUY THAT I WANT TO END OUR RELATIONSHIP BEGINNING NEXT YEAR AND HE IS DISTRAUGHT AND CANT UNDERSTAND WHY. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?I THINK I AM

Yes you are!