I'm Gay But I'm Married To A Woman

I'm Jake and I'm gay but married to a woman. I don't think I'm going to stay married, though for much longer...
I have known I liked guys ever since I was 13 or 14. I used to get crushes on guys all the time. Mad, heart-throbbing crushes. I also had crushes on celebrity guys, too. Remember when Ryan Gosling was on "Breaker High" on TV? Or Rider Strong on "Boy Meets World"? I also had a few female crushes, too... like Toni Braxton. But mostly it was males. And a lot stronger for males.

But I didn't tell anyone. Not a soul. I did used to always get teased in high school for being gay. I was in drama club and I am not very macho. I don't act like a sterotypical swishy fem gay man, not that there is anything wrong with that of course. It's just not me. I've always liked stereotypical gay dance music though, like Fischerspooner, Pet Shop Boys, Erasure and Scissor Sisters. I've always loved Madonna and Britney Spears. I watch Bravo and E! and I love shopping.

I do also watch sports like NFL and MMA. I like camping and fishing. I guess people just thought I was a balance of male and female personality traits. I do love my wife and we have a 7 year old boy together who is super duper awesome!! I would never want to lose the relationship I have with him.

My wife and I have never been very sexually compatible, though. I have always been lusty and pushing the boundaries and she is very reserved. Still sexy, but reserved. Definitely a lower sex drive. She also never understood my need... a craving... for romance. Anything from love notes to making out in a theater, she was never into any of that.

For a long time I just ignored it and was content to ********** once in a while to gay **** or gay literature. But then when I turned 30 it started getting more forceful. For two years I struggled with myself and I began to have problems keeping an erection sometimes when I was with my wife.

Finally in July of 2012 I told her the truth... but I wasn't as straightforward as I should have been. I said I was confused and maybe bisexual. And maybe I am a little bi. But mostly I am attracted to males. It is a much stronger urge. The way all my pals comment on a ladies butt as she passes is the way I slow the car down when I pass a shirtless man mowing his lawn.

I told my male best friend who is a like a brother to me. I was so relieved when he accepted me and said he would always support me. I know that there is a chance family and friends will reject me over the next several months as I tell the truth to them.

I also keep getting drunk and when I get drunk I hate myself for being gay so much. For ruining a perfect marriage and hurting my wife. I hate myself for not being honest when I was 14 and just telling everyone that I was gay. Or at least by 20, or 25... anytine but why wait until I was 32? So I'm trying not to drink because I get very dark and depressed. I got drunk one night and screamed and cried at my wife saying how could she love me? And texting my best friend telling him I hated myself for being a "******" (sorry I know that word is awful).

But they didn't seem to take it too hard. They have been very forgiving. My wife and I are on "a break" and I think we are going to coast through the holidays as friends and address seperation and divorce in January. I have been actively seeking gay support, friends and advice. I am not ready for anything relationship-wise or sexual... I am still married, anyway!!

I have such a long, painful road ahead but in a lot of ways I feel strangely liberated. I am about to start living openly gay like I should have been all along. And that part feels very very good.

Thanks for letting me share.
JakeSilver1980 JakeSilver1980
1 Response Sep 23, 2012

Thank you for sharing, I've done the drinking thing too.
But I'm still Aslan's nemesis (an icy hearted queen way back in the closet) .... :-)