Being Realistic Is So So Hard

Wow! I have been wondering for a long time where I can vent my feelings. I don't get heard at home. We have been together for about 12 years. (Knew each other before this) have 4 children age 10 to 9 months.
The problems have been slowly building up but in the last couple of years I have felt very alone. I crave for affection (without sex being involved) and communication.
We don't talk about anything, not one darn thing. If I speak to him he is either rude to me or ignores me. It drives me to the point of tears the simpliest thing. I can't even ask (for example)  if he wants bacon and eggs on toast or soup. I go over and over in my head should I ask, should I not, I worry about how he will reply, will he be rude, ignore me. Mostly when he replies it is like I am an idiot for asking tone and he reply is rude, demeaning.
It is like this with almost anything and everything he says. It hurts even more whn I try and have a cinversation with him he speaks like this to me and then seconds later you hear him on the phone speaking as nice as pie to who ever. Why aren't I worth talking to like that. He also speaks to our kids the way he speaks to me.
It is like we are an annoyance in his life, we are in the way or something.We aren't worth the effort to him.
I have tried for too long now to fix what ever it is. But I can't figure out what it is I have done that has created this. I was so optmistic that if I just held on if I just tried a little longer, if I could just get him to see how I feel, for him to let me know why this is happening from his point of view, but everytime I have tried I get shot down.
In the past 12mths I have been slowly realising that I need to get realistic, I need to realise that he doesn't want to or can't give in a positive way. I have to get realisitc I have 4 children to protect from this negative family life. But am I protecting them by doing what is almost unbearable to think of leaving him and becoming a single mum.
I love him and it is extrememly hard to think the only way to happiness is to leave. It brings tears to my eyes as I type it. Why can't this bloody idiot of a man see how much he is hurting me. Why can't he acknowledge me, how hard is it to say happy birthday, how hard is it to say merry christmas. How bloody hard is it you friggin idiot, how hard is it to give me a hug or to cook dinner when I am so sick I can hardly stand.
Oh boy now I am crying, I have no idea what I think people may comment to me I just need to write this and know that it will be read that someone out there whill hear my hurt acknpwledge I have feelings. Hey thanks for listening (reading).
whatahootnot whatahootnot
36-40, F
2 Responses Jul 10, 2010

I agree that you need to have a serious talk with him about how destructive his actions are to both you and your children. A marriage this one sided is unhealthy for you but also your children. He shows you no respect and your children see this and this is affecting them a lot. Try to have the talk with him when you have some alone time. Be calm and take some time to think about what you want to say. If he tries to push your emotional buttons, remember that you are in control of this talk and not him. If he gets nasty, then remain calm and continue talking. If he gets too nasty to continue, then tell him that you will not argue but will continue when he can act reasonable and walk away. Throw the ball back to him and see what happens. I wish you the best,D.

I Hope things get better