Married To Young

I've been married 21 years and twenty of those years have been bitter and lonely for us both.  I stayed in my marriage thinking that it was the right thing to do because I had brought 2 children into the world that needed 2 parents given that I had come from a broken home and had to grow up fast because I had no parents due to a bitter divorce.

My wife and I were both young at the ripe age of 22 when we got married and I got married in search of love and found infatuation and she married me looking for a father figure that she never had.  We both were doomed from the beginning.  Between the two of us I had the most education, best parenting skills and ironically the best value system and I felt like for 22 years I have been the nature and disciplinarian to our children which was painful and stressful but I truly love them.  I managed all of this while building a successful career for myself and I felt like she was leftout, which was my falt, and jealous to the point that she became distructive to our relationship and negelected our children.

We never had conversation unless I engaged it, we never tried new things or anything for that matter and unless I pushed it, and at one point she was spending every dime we owned and I had to battle with her to help us save and grow a savings.  We argue constantly about anything and everything it seems and the only thing she looks forward to is sex.  She has said to me that even if I leave that she still wants to have sex with me.  I admit that I'm  good sexually but I feel like a sex slave. This lack of a companion and intemacy has completely turned me off and I'm not even interested in having a sexual relationship with her even though my harmones are jumping like a 16 year old.

Our children are in college now and my wife and I our strangers living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed. We have been to marriage counseling many times but this has not worked out for us.I honestly don't know what to do anymore about our relationship.  Divorce is imment but with 21 years of family relatonships to deal with it is tougher than I imagined.  The material items are easier to deal with than the family ties.

I have resisted cheating or having an affair but now I'm at a point where I'm doubting my decision because I'm so lonely.  I've taking up so many hobbies to stave off the temptation but now I feel lonelier than ever and I know it's time but I don't know when that time should occur.

I feel bad that I did not have the insights at 22 to see that we were not right for each other and that I have wasted my life and hers because I did not have the courage to leave.  Now I find myself paying the price in an unimaginable way.  I'm lonely.  I'm a good man, well educated, good looking guy in decent shape but with no companion and I'm lonely.

Now I'm unsure about anything and I struggle to not get depressed because my career depends on me being sure and energetic about most things.  I keep hoping for a savior but nothing has come along.

cashcan cashcan
Jul 17, 2010