Seeking Wisdom

I actually thought I finally found the right person after so many relationships gone awry. We married in 2001, shared so many experiences and trials for the first 8 years that I thought we were virtually indistructible as a couple. I still don't know how it happened, but it seems we began growing slowly apart. I now feel like my sole function is to provide financially (pay rent, healthcare, dental care, even help her get a new car).

Oddly, I get hte impression that she thinks everything is normal. Unsure what to do.
virtualangst virtualangst
51-55, M
10 Responses Jul 24, 2010

This past Friday I finally summoned enough courage to confront her and speak my mind. She said she didn't realize I was feeling so isolated. We are currently on speaking terms and making "measured" attempts to improve our relationship. Still, there's something deep down that i find troubling, and not sure what it is. It's as if she's putting on an act, saying she wants us to stay together, but I don't see a lot of "emotion" behind her words.<br />
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On a better note, I secured enough federal funding to complete my doctorate degree. I've been given 3 more years to complete it. Pressure is on. I just wish conditions at home were like they used to. Should i just concern myself with my work and my studies and be totally stoic about the relationship?

Update: still haven't been able to bring myself to talk to her. It's been 3 weeks of silence and it's almost becoming a routine of avoiding one another. I've got so many other issues I"m grappling with in my life that it's almost like I don't have any energy (or desire) to embark on this one. I'm at a point where I could use a lot of support from her, and have gotten barely any. Thus the reason (or is it rationalizing?) for my hesitance to approach her.

Than you, askteri. Undoubtedly food for thought. I guess I'll have to muster the courage to express my disappointment and feelings, now that the anger has waned.

I happen to be the other side of the coin in a similar situation. I was trying to deal with regular life stuff like bills, kids, etc, when my husband had an affair. He said it was because he felt like I was pulling away from him both physically and emotionally. Problem was that I was constantly trying to get him into the bedroom and engaging in the sexual part of the relationship and he hadn't noticed my efforts. I was also trying to support his dreams and listen to him when he would come home from work and complain about how badly his day had gone. He had just assumed that because I seemed stressed that it was because of him. He never talked to me about his feelings or what he perceived as me pulling away. When I found out about the affair, I had to force him to talk to me about why he did it, what I had done or not done, etc. Six months of talking and crying later, I am still married to him, but I feel alone because I don't know if I will be able to trust him again. We still talk and have sex, but now, because he didn't trust me enough to talk to me before the affair, I will always wonder if he really wants to be with me and wants the marriage to work, or is he just biding his time till he finds something or someone better? And yes, I have asked him that very question and he says he is with me because he loves me and wants to be here, but I will always wonder.<br />
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You have to talk to her. Tell her how you are feeling about the relationship and ask her how she is feeling. Don't take it for granted that you think you know how she feels (whether she thinks things are fine or not). If you don't talk about the situation, you may end up with irrevocable damage to your relationship or marriage. By the way, I did think everything was fine with my marriage...and it almost ended with a divorce. Don't let it get to that point!

And....we haven't been talking to one another in at least two weeks.

She's actually been diagnosed with hormonal imbalances, and she'll readily attribute her emotional aloofness to that. OK, we know the root cause, I'm still not feeling any warmer...

I know how you feel. Mine shut down in a similar manner. Could it be hormonal? Ladies can you help here please?

Thanks "itsmeathome" I really appreciate it. I haven't felt this lonely in years. I have done so much for her, and have felt that I've reached a point of diminishing returns. I guess I find it difficult to sit her down and say "honey, you haven't demonstrated any affection or warm emotion towards me in months, please be warm and caring again" Maybe it's the male in me that screams " screw her, I'm done being the one always giving"

I know you're right in saying that I should talk to her. Why does it always seem so difficult to do, though? She has also been experiencing hormonal changes that have extinguished her sexual drive, and wondering if (despite my expressing my concerns) she might not "get it" because her hormones are in disarray? Thanks to both of you for your thoughtful response :)

yes talk to her. my husband has felt like he's been done for a year. had he talked to me when it started we may have been able to do something, now i am not sure. good luck