So Confused

I am married.  Have been for about a 1 1/2.  Just a month after about a month of being married I found my husband was a a member of a on line dating site and he was looking for men to date.  I also found that he was ordering gay ****.  Of course he denied the whole thing.  I was heart broken, still am.  He had no explanation for it.  I gave me evey excuse you could think of.  He said someone has hacked our computer to get back at him.  He also was trying to tell me that someone was trying to ruin our marriage.  He even started to blame me, telling me I was the one doing this stuff to set him up.  I almost started to believe that maybe I had done it.  I left him for about 4 months but couldn't't stand living with my parents.  It's so strange, besides this problem he treats me wonderfully.  He tells me over and over again that he is sorry.  He now tells me that he did do these things but he does not remember doing them.  He says that this was his way of pushing me away before he gets hurt.  He was scared that I would leave him so he tried to get me out of my life before I could hurt him.  Is this explanation even possible???  I need advice.  I would have left him a long time ago but I love him.  I just don't know what to do anymore.
Newlifenewfriends Newlifenewfriends
26-30, F
8 Responses Jul 28, 2010

So what did you end up doing?

SORRY GIRL. I FEEL FOR YOU IT REALLY ISNT FAIR. BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE HES BI OR GAY. I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR GONNA DO EITHER DO BE HONEST. I HOPE YOU FIND SOME PEACE, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL LADY. DONT LET THIS KEEP U DOWN. ~LOKE

SORRY GIRL. I FEEL FOR YOU IT REALLY ISNT FAIR. BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE HES BI OR GAY. I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR GONNA DO EITHER DO BE HONEST. I HOPE YOU FIND SOME PEACE, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL LADY. DONT LET THIS KEEP U DOWN. ~LOKE

As long as you love each other there is a way to work things out. Just tell him you love him, but you need honesty. Then go from there. Maybe he was just curious, and now he is done with it. Maybe he loves you, but feels he needs something extra. Maybe he feels he made a mistake, and is still searching for himself. No matter what he confesses, do not take it as an affront to you. Try to understand him, then decide what you want. Good luck.

Okay these are my questions. If he was trying to push you away before you hurt him why did he wait until you were married to do that? Isn't that something he should have done once you two initially began to get close? Some one said your sexual relationship will be an indication. I don't believe that to be true. Some people are bisexual so both genders turn them on.

My heart goes out to you.<br />
<br />
My partner of almost 5 years finally admitted that he had a strong bi curiousity. He said he never had sex with others while were together and I believed him. Still believe him, actually, he's a great guy and we've remained best of friends. I was no longer able to fulfil him sexually nor he me, and we had other issues, so we ended that relationship and started a new one, as friends. You need to do whatever will bring each of you happiness in time to come. It's difficult now, and it may hurt a lot now, but the hurt will lessen and go away if you strive for happiness in the long run, whether together or as friends.<br />
<br />
My ex is with a new lady now and he's happy, but he still has bi urges. He meets with his guy friend occassionally. I worry that he's not getting the fulfillment he needs in either situation, but he seems happy and I'm happy for him.<br />
<br />
Sexualtiy and emotions are so complex that you need to take time to figure out what's going on, please don't do anything rash. I know it feels like he was lying to you and trying to hurt you, but I'm really sure that he wasn't upfront with you because he didn't want to hurt you. For some reason, it's harder for a guy to admit to bi or gay interests than it is for a woman. Try to be understanding and try to help him figure out what he wants. If it's not something he's explored in the past he may need to explore now. Actually, it's obvious he does. If it's a once-in-a-while thing you need to decide if you're ok with that. If he's gay, well then, at least you and he have discovered now and before you each had more emotional investment in the marriage.<br />
<br />
Take the time to help him through this, don't do anything rash. I'm very, very sure he's very confused and hurting alot, probably and almost as much as you.<br />
<br />
I've added you as a friend if you want to take this conversation elsewhere.<br />
<br />
My heart and love are with you right now my Little Sister. You're not alone, ok?

How is your sexual relationship with this man? That will be the tell-tale-sign.

Horse Hockey! ALL of his denials and claims are bologna!<br />
Your hubby is either gay or strongly Bi.<br />
No big deal unless that is not what you want or need in your relationship.<br />
The fact that he hid this from you prior to your marriage is not good.<br />
Claiming to not be able to remember obtaining the mags is about as lame as it gets.<br />
If pushing you away was the goal it worked.<br />
<br />
No one can know the depth of your love for him or his for you.<br />
No one can know if being in such a relationship will satisfy you.<br />
Talking about his sexual orientation will NOT change it. Perhaps you and he can begin to understand what is happening but if he's gay he will stay gay. It's not a choice.<br />
Now the decision about what you should do is totally up to you.<br />
<br />
One thought... you don't mention having children. You should think long and hard before you get pregnant and have to raise a child in this situation.<br />
<br />
BTW: I am NOT anti -gay. I fully support everyone's freedom to express their sexuality however it pleases them (with-in the bounds of health and safety).