Letter To My Husband

I wrote this letter tonight. I am leaving it for my husband to get in the morning when he wakes up. What do you think?

"I’ve decided that perhaps the only way to get to you is to write you this letter. I am not sure that you completely understand what all is going on with me, with you, with us. I know that you have never been the kind of person to want to sit around and think about things, but at this point, I hope you decide to change your mind on that. This needs quite a bit of thought and quite a bit of consideration, on both our parts.

It really hurts me that after our discussion the other night you proclaimed that you felt, “fine” and you feel asleep within minutes. Since then, we have not spoken very much, and we certainly haven’t spoken about the discussion. I fee so removed from you and I have no idea how to get close to you. I don’t think you let people really get close to you in your life, including me. And the thing is, I don’t think you even realize that you’re doing it or what that does to me. It makes me feel so lonely and so unwanted. I have no idea what has caused you to be this way, and perhaps it doesn’t matter. Maybe you have just always been that way because your family never showed feelings openly. Maybe you have never felt self-assure and it has lived inside of you for so long that you don’t even know it is there. I have no idea. I don’t even know that you have any idea what has made you this way. What I do know is that I am unwilling to live in that kind of relationship. Husbands and wives are supposed to share everything: inner most feelings, fears, desires, needs, emotions. I have shared all of those things with you. But if you really ask yourself how much of that have you really shared with me, and you are totally honest with yourself, would you be able to say the same? Because answering with one word answers like “fine”, or saying things like “I have always just been that way”, or “I have never thought about it” just doesn’t cut it anymore. You are married and it’s like you continue to live a single life in 2 ways...... emotionally and intimately.

I do know that you have made strides in this area over the past few years. I love that fact that you tell me all the time how much you love me. I can’t even count the number of ways in which you show me that you love me by doing little things for me. You take care of me when I am in need.... illness wise. But for some reason, you continue to not be able to take care of me emotionally. And this is not about sex, and it is not about love. I know with every bone in my body that you love me. I have never questioned that. I certainly hope that you have never questioned that I love you. But love does NOT make the world go ‘round. And love does NOT conquer all. Because if there is love, but no passion, no emotional support, no completely letting your spouse in to your soul, and no compromise, then love will not be enough.

I have spilled my heart out to you on numerous occasions about what I want and need from this marriage. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me, knowing that I am talking to a person who has never spilled his heart out to me? Never wanted to really think about how to even get to that point in our relationship? Or, maybe you have. But I wouldn’t know because you don’t share that with me. I am SO open to sharing with you and so open to hearing you and helping you and emotionally supporting you. I have tried to get you to see that. And I do not accept or believe that you just don’t have any emotions. I know you do. I have seen you be very touched, emotional, sad, happy. So, I know that it IS possible. But you need to understand that the key to our relationship being wonderful and so much more than you even know.... is us willing to work to get it that way. And we cannot do that on our own. If we could, we would have by now.

I am totally to blame for allowing us to not work on this. I get very complacent with our life and I have a tendency to just go from day to day, status quo. But every day that I allow that to happen, I die a little inside. Because as much as you are just “not that kind of person”, I am totally that kind of person. And as much as you are not equipped to figure out how to make this better, neither am I. It is absolutely not just about having more sex. Having more un-intimate sex would just make things worse. I fear that you have always just thought that I am just going through stuff. Last time it was that you thought I was just sad that my mom had died. This time you mentioned something about me just needing to go back to work, that I have too much time to think about this stuff. You’re right. I do have a lot of time to think about this stuff. But it HAS to be thought about. And more than just thought about, it has to be worked on... a lot. And not just by one of us.

Last year I asked you if you thought you were capable of having, or if you even wanted to try to have that kind of relationship. You said yes. That made me so happy. I am sorry that I did not make us continue to work on that. But, it fell to the wayside as the days went by. But this is too important for us to just let it slip by. I cannot live like that. And I feel bad about that in a way, because I think that because you think I am just depressed or bored, that this is just all something that will go away. I do not know how else to tell you other then be totally honest. This cannot just go away. Our marital relationship is not healthy. While we obviously love each other, and we obviously know how to take care of each other on a variety of levels, we are not taking care of ourselves emotionally. And you may think that isn’t true for you, but trust me it is. I wish that you could understand how magical and wonderful relationships are when two people who truly love each other completely give themselves to one another and surrender themselves in every way. I have had the honor of having that in my life before, so I know how wonderful it can be. Because I know nothing about your prior relationships, I have no idea if you even know what I am describing. Either way, I love you and I continue to want to have that with you.

I guess the question is the same as last time. It is totally up to you, I guess. Do you think you are willing and capable of that? Do you love me enough to go through all of the work that is needed (on both our parts) to get to that? And I don’t think you even know how little it would take for us to get there. When I share with you, I want you to share with me. I don’t want to be the one to have to leave you a note in the morning in order to get one from you. I want you to tell me how you are feeling. I want you to touch me, kiss me, lay with me, cuddle with me, be intimate with me in a way that is beautiful and fulfilling for both of us. I want you to tell me how beautiful and special I am to you, because you are beautiful and special to me. And I need to express that more too. I want you to tell me what makes you feel good. I want to be the one who rocks your world. And I want you to rock mine! Why wouldn’t we want that... we are supposed to want that!!!

So, this is what I propose. Spend some time thinking about if you even want to take this journey with me. And be honest, even if it is not what you think I want to hear. Because all I want to hear is the truth. And your answer will be step one in our process. If your answer is yes, then we can go to the next step, which needs to be seeking outside help. And this is in no way a reflection of our “sanity” and it is not a weakness. It is what is needed. We can see someone and see what they think. Your answer could be “I don’t know”, in which case we should still seek outside help. If your answer is no, then I guess we have to decide how to proceed.

I love you. I love many things about our marriage and about our life. I think you will be a wonderful father and I so want to have a family with you. I fell in love with you because you are a sweet and generous man, in so many ways. You are one of the last “good guys” on the planet, I think. You are caring and trustworthy in every way. I never doubt your love for me. I hope that you fully understand how much I love you and want us to have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship in every way.

Think about all of this and take your time to let me know what you think. And please share your thoughts and emotions with me. PLEASE! Sometimes it is easier to write it all down, like I did in this letter. I would love that, if that is easier for you.

I love you. I love you. I love you."
hedoesntgetmeinct hedoesntgetmeinct
36-40, F
10 Responses Aug 2, 2010

Sorry doll, I'm in a similar situation and it really sucks. When we married, I b bought into that whole soul mate idea and stepped out to build a life for us. I have recently learned that she has withheld much from our marriage of over 20 years. I have helped her start and grow a successful business, raise our children, meet her goals and make her dreams come true. We live as roommates, only discussing the absolute necessities and completely ignore the lack of intimacy and animosity that exists.

Remember you own each others happiness, just because you are not happy in all ways does not let you off the hook for his overall happiness. He has shown that he cares and is willing to try if things seem sto stall it usually isn;t because the guy stopped caring it is because we are stupid and if we don't know what to do we don't do anything. Remember it has to be your shared problem not just his.

Your husband is a man, they don't have the feminine touchy feely discussions that us girls have...They were not made that way. He is everything you want other than he doesn't confide the little dark secrets that you think he should have...Did you ever think that he is telling you the truth? Love him for who he is... He sounds like a strong man and knows what he wants and he chose you . He is allot like my husband ...And if he is, then you are a lucky woman...No one man is perfect!!! Ask yourself, Do you really want a man that acts like a woman with his emotions? Find that with your girlfriends...I am here on this page because I am intimately lonely for my husband...who works very hard, Loves me ...has given me a beautiful marriage in every way except intimacy ...I came here to see what I could do to change but this site pretty much is blaming the men, and not giving advice that I wanted. I feel as though I'm loosing my sexual identity...It isn't that we never make love it's that it's sometimes 1 - 2 - 3 months in between. I am 56 years old and we've been married 30 years...I am trying to change myself so that he and I will live in harmony. Marriage is a give and take but mostly giving. I don' t mean to hurt you but look at who you are and look at him and remember why you married him...My husband is my best friend and everything...He loves me very much and we have a great life ,...you know this page has helped ...I do have a great life and a wonderful Husband I have just realized that I need to quite feeling sorry for myself and Give him the love that I always have given Him a take his Love that he gives me and live happily ever after...

If you want to totally destroy your marriage, go ahead. But, Your need comes from an emptiness of not knowing God, and having a personal relationship with HIM, No husband can ever fill THAT need, and most wives expect them to. Go get a Bible, read, pray and ask for help. You will be very surprised what God can do..

It's been a while since I logged in to EP. Like usual, nothing much has changed. We have had a few rough days of non-communicating since the letter. Overall, he is a little more affectionate. But no sex and I started looking for a therapist but didn't find one with good hours for us. I am afraid that the same thing will happen and that I will just get complacent with the way things are. The whole affair thing is sounding more and more appealing. I can totally start to understand my friend's reasoning: If you love your husband and don't want to divorce him... and he is a great guy in every way EXCEPT satisfying you, shouldn't you be able to go outside the marriage to get that satisfaction? It's sounding better and better.


Glad to hear he is responding!

Yes, I gave him the letter and he did read it all the way through. He is a commuter so I actually left a message on it that he should maybe read it on the train, which he did. He texted me later that day and said that he had read it and that it opened his eyes to a lot of things. He said that he had no idea how much his actions, or lack there of, affected me so much. He wanted me to know that he felt terrible, but he also wanted me to know that he was not doing anything intentionally. I said that I knew that, and that he shouldn't feel terrible, that he just had a really big decision to make and it required a lot of thinking.<br />
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When he got home later that day, he gave me a huge long hug and kiss. He then took me out to dinner, making sure to hold my hand every chance he got, hug me, and kiss me. The next day he left a note for me in the morning saying that he had a great time at dinner and that he would be thinking about everything. Yesterday he left me a note that said that he wanted to do everything in his power to make both of us happy. When he got home from work, I asked him what that exactly means, knowing that he really didn't want to go to therapy. But he said that he would go and he knows that it will be helpful. So, I am supposed to look in our area today for a therapist. I even asked him if he preferred a male or female therapist and he said he had no preference. <br />
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So, so far he is reacting well and really seems to at least begin to understand the severity of the situation. So, we will see! There are so many couples' therapists in the area that take our insurance, so I have to figure out a way to pick one. I have looked to recommendations online but I am not finding much. Anybody have any ideas on that?

Great letter, I should let my husband read it. How did it go?

Did you already give it to him? If he thinks things are fine, do you think he will read all the way thru even? I don't think mine would. But I wish you the best, sincerely.