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Why Is She Not Capable Of Love?

I am writing my story and please forgive me if it's a little vague but too much detail might cause unwanted problems. I have married to this woman for 12 years now. When we first got together it was love at first site. I prided myself on making sure that every day of our lives she knew how much I loved her. I gave flowers at least once a week, write cute little notes so that she would just happen across them throughout her day and gave 1000% of my heart in soul to her in everything I did. I made in my mission to make her honestly believe that she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me, I did this every day. I realized early on in our marriage that she was not nearly as exressive with her love and feelings as I was. I accepted this, as everyone is different. Our sex life has always been extremley active, 12-years together and we still have sex at least 4 times a week, unless illness or travel keeps us away. She was diagnosed with an illness about 4-years ago so she has her good and bad days. She is a great mother to our children and I take pride in how incredible I am at being a father. We do argue quite a bit which I try my best to avoid at all cost. I have never met anyone in my life that cannot admit their wrong, more than her. I have not felt that she loves me for a very long time now. We do not communicate even as much as I have tried. I pick times that we are getting along and when I approach her to talk, she shuts it down with an argument. I am an extremley affectionate guy who desperatley needs to feel love. We have not slept in the same bed for over 3 years now. I try and beg her and tell her how much it matters to me but nothing changes. I know in my heart that love is just a word to her, a word she says to me because I say it first. I tried talking to her and told her that love comes from your eyes, from your soul, from your touch and the littlest things we do. I need to feel love again. I wouldn't know how I would react to someone that showed me as much love as I have shown her. Her I am left to feel like I am being used as a provider and a sex buddy with no attachments. I am an open person who believes that communication is the most important part of a relationship. I would like to hear from any females that are in the same situation. Thanks for reading my post.
whataboutme4u whataboutme4u 36-40, M 9 Responses Aug 18, 2010

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I am in the same boat. My wife is the ice queen. She asked me to marry her not the other way around. Never says I love you or even has any physical contact. I am ready to give up and seek affection elseware. She refused to talk about it and so I have decided to ignore my vows.

What you all have done is what I did - married a sociopath. Sociopaths are incapable of love. Unfortunately, they are wonderful at mimicking the words, feelings, etc. of love at the beginning of a relationship - so you feel that they are capable of love and end up marrying them. Then, their true selves emerge. Often these people have what is called narcissistic personality disorder. They are only about self-gratification and do not have the ability to understand the joy in making another person happy. They cannot connect to other humans on an emotional level (other than on a temporary basis when they are mimicking behavior they have seen others display). If you have ever tried to sit the person down to have an adult discussion about your concerns and they tune you out or start an argument or leave, etc... - you just might have a sociopath on your hands. There is an emptiness in their hearts because they cannot emotionally connect to others. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is either put up with it or divorce them. After I left my sociopath, I got some good therapy and realized that my marriage had been a sham marriage. He never loved me because he was incapable of love. Me, expending my energy loving him, was like me loving a bowling ball. I was never going to get any love back no matter how hard I tried. I was never going to change him or fix him or help him. Sociopaths can't be fixed. There is no way to rewire a sociopath's brain to make them "human". Sociopaths are not "sick" and they aren't that way because of their childhood - they are just born that way. There is no cure, etc... I finally decided life was too short to spend it with a sociopath. I have a lot of love to give and want to receive true love in return. I gave up a lot financially, etc... when I left him - but it was the best thing I ever did for my health and my future of happiness. The other thing that I did wrong in our "relationship" was become a co-dependent. I spent so much of my time worrying about him and trying to fix him and trying to love him - that I gave up apart of myself. I've learned never to do that again. My needs are important and come first and the only time I can truly love is if I take care of my needs first.

Absolutely fantastic Reply. IF I could step back and analytically give myself proper advice and understanding this would be it. Thanks!

I have the exact same experience with my wife. We are married for 14 yrs , have a 8yr old boy , smart and handsome. She started an affair and left us . I am devastated and have the similar experience. We are in therapy and discussed about reconciliation, however, I am having second thought. She is not capable of love , she talks a good game , however, she is selfish ,conniving and controlling. Why go back? comment?

But doesn't that attitude make you a sociopath? I want to share my life with someone, I get great joy out of giving to someone as long as it is returned.

My marriage is a mirror image of yours - from a woman in a similar situation.

I am also experiencing the issues you have, my husband shows me absolutely no affection at all and asked to be asked for a kiss or hug rather than it just happen. We have sex when he feels the need but it is going through the motions and is emotionally unfullfilling for me which leaves me feeling even more unloved, unconnected and used afterwards.

I try continually to make that loving connection but he seems incapable of showing his emotions in any way and that makes me feel rejected. In fact his whole demeaner, body language and actions tells me he seems repulsed by me rather than attracted.

Being a communicative person I have tried to discuss my feelings on this numerous times throughout our three year marriage but nothing changes.

He tells me he loves me but only when I tell him first and only once as he ever told me he is in love with me. However there are lots of physical cues that confirm that to be true and I just never experience them.

When I am showing him any affection whether that be a kiss, hug or a touch it is with genuine warmth, love and affection but he does not respond the way someone who is in love with you should.

In fact he is cold and board like. when he kisses me I have to ask for him to kiss me and I feel like it is as a father kisses his daughter, Our hugs have to be asked for and are done in seconds with a quick pat on the back like you would a child and he as never once held my hand or put his arm around my shoulders.

I know how you feel, it is heartbreaking to love someone with everything you have and not to have that reciprocated.

I try not to let his behaviour change my actions but it is difficult to keep giving and get nothing back, one thing is for sure l agree with the previous comments from another nurse. I am also of the mind that this will not change me as a person and that people who treat others badly will stand in line before God for thier shortcomings and mistreatment of others!

I am in the same situation and the only time I hear I love you is when she is out of town and talking on the phone in front of her family. If I want to have sex I can but it seems clinical not romantic? The worst part is I have begun to seek attention from other women. And I have begun to be emotionaly attached to one that is half my age. I don't want that kind of relationship with her, why ruin her life. But I'm like a man dieing of thirst in a desert.

Dear What about me for u,



I feel ypur pain I am going through the exact same thing, and I really mean the exact. I too am an affectionate person and it gets me no where I see in his eyes that he doesn't love me, but each day I'm trying to deal with it. He has cheated with another woman and because of the person I am, and the god I serve, I accepted his wrong doing and forgave him simply because I didn;t want to block my own blessings. I have 3 winderful children that are by him he doesn't even show them affection, imagine that. I wish you and my self all the best in choosing a road ahead for ourselves. I am Nurse and I too be lieve that I am used for security and stability, but thistoo shall pass, along with our bad marriages. until next time take care, and continue loving, remeber don't allow anyone to change the person that you are, they will stand in line for there own shortcomings and mistreatment of others.

I appreciate all the comments concerning my post. Lots of good ideas that may work in other situations. Do not confuse sex with love people. This post in coming from someone who has been commited to try anything it took to make things work. Love is expressed through everything we do and what people are missing from this story is the fact that there is no love in this womans eyes for me. Your mouth can lie however your eyes cannot. I understand people are different and that there is a huge difference in the way people show love. having said that, if your with someone you love for that long, I think it affords you a much better understanding of that person and the ability to see something wrong in their eyes. I urge anyone of you to try this and see what you learn. Next time your talking with your loved one, just listen to them, but pay close attention to their eyes and just take it all in and decide for yourself. I would bet my life with anyone, that even if I had never said I love you again to my wife, I gurantee she would tell you that she knows, without a doubt, why? Through my actions, through my constant care and attention. thanks for the replies

She is not telling you how she feels she is showing you. Love tries to connect and someone who doesn't connect in any real way is telling exactly how she feels. Why you say--what have I done--maybe I can do this and that and things will change. If you have tried everything --then you know how she feels.

Dear Whataboutme4u



Have you ever tried counselling together? If you really do love her and want to do everything to keep her, try everything. It may not work, but try. Ask her. If she says no, then go on your own, but at least you will have always tried. It actually does my head in because even during counselling sessions I have had jokes cracked by the counsellor about how men and women are just "different" (which I know we are) and that that is why women have all these needs which men just don't/can't fulfil, blah, blah, blah, and yet I know personally of two men who have recently ended relationships, one a 12-year marriage, because their partners were indifferent and couldn't give them the emotion that they craved. No, not the sex, the emotion. But only due to experience, I think sometimes we attract certain "types" due to our childhood; what our mothers were like, what our fathers were like. So my advice would be that if you do separate eventually, to go for your own personal counselling to make sure that next time you attract the gorgeous woman that you so deserve.

Also from a wife in a similar situation: I have been married for 5 years and feel like I am married to a robot. When we were dating he was affectionate and romantic but all that ended after the ceremony; I feel as though I have been tricked. At least you are able to have sex, be thankful for that. I know I should try and make myself happy by involving myself in activities I enjoy but that seems empty-alone. I wanted a partner for life and feel more alone that when I was single.

From a wife: I have been married for almost 10 years & I am in a similar situation. We do not really communicate, at least in a positive way. He shuts me out of his life & his attention is drawn to the tv or the computer. I have always been affectionate but it is no longer reciprocated. I do not remember the last time I was even kissed passionately. We only have sex maybe 3 times a year & I am not even 40 years old. He does not help me around the house, he is distant & often loses his temper. I have tried & tried, have forgiven & forgot but nothing changes. I am lonely & I don't even feel like we are friends anymore. I have so much more to my story but not the time to express it all now. He tells me he is happy but I do not see how that is possible. If so, he is the most miserable happy person I know. I try to remain upbeat & positive but it can be difficult.