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Lonely Married Man

I think I can help some of you ladies. I will let you know what is in my head, and it might be in your husband’s head as well.

I have been married for 10 years and have 3 young kids. I love my wife, but she doesn’t treat me well. She is not mean. She just ignores me and my needs. Most people love her. She is a nice person, just not always nice to me. I am a very nice person.

With 3 young kids and a demanding job, I am very dependent on her to take care of me. As an example, I will ask her what our schedule is like on a weekend, and she will have me doing things for the kids and for her all weekend, so that I won’t even get an hour off to myself to go exercise. I don’t do it because I am whipped. I do it because she puts me in the position of doing it or disappointing the kids and I love them very much and don’t want to do that.

If I try to talk about it to her, I do so seeking help from her, not accusing her. But she gets defensive and turns it on me. It’s been going on long enough now that I don’t really talk to her at all.

I’m not as interested in sex with her as I used to be. I think she knows it and is a little hurt by it. I’m too hurt and have been too hurt for too long. I look at ****. I hate it and I hate myself for doing it. But I feel so lonely and it is nice to at least fantasize about a woman being interested in me. There is nothing I want more than to be back in love with my life. But I can’t until she starts showing some consideration for me. And she won’t because she doesn’t listen to me. She is more interested in figuring out who is to blame (and making sure that it is me) than she is in solving the problem.

I won’t divorce her or cheat on her. I love my kids too much to hurt or disappoint them. If she acted like this when we were dating, there wouldn’t have been a second date.
david11111 david11111 41-45, M 6 Responses Feb 27, 2011

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I'm on my second marriage. My first did this to me. Now that I have helped my second raise her kids, SHE is doing it to me as well. I give up.

I am not that far behind. I am 59 years old and I keep myself well fit but my wife of 32 years makes me feel lonely by the day. My kids are grown and my older daughter has twin boys and a girl so as a grandfather it's great as a father it's great but as a husband my wife makes me feel lonely. Sex, what is that! My wife once a year has a desire but that is it. Divorce, no. I love my wife but at a time when we should spend more time together she seems to always find things to do. If this is what is in store for the rest of my time on this earth, so be it!

You sound like me. I am exhausted! I love my kids and my wife takes advantage of that. I am whipped. Not whipped for her, but for my kids. I make good money and never have time for myself. I wish I could go to the gym. I work hard enough so she can stay at home and take care of our kids. As soon as I come home, she drops the kids on me. No downtime. ... I use to run marathons and workout everyday. What can we do? I was thinking of divorcing her. Let me know how it works out for you. I am slowly killing myself.

Your situation sounds the reverse in many ways of mine. I find myself in your position more often than not. I have tried various things to motivate him to be caring romantic good father etc. but what

it comes down to is that old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but cannot make them drink".....and if you force the horses face in the water it just chokes and gasps. Enough of the analogies, but honestly what I think we all want is for our spouse to "naturally" be what we need

and when it doesn't happen without coercion on our part, it becomes easier to just fade away and self-soothe by distracting yourself in other ways. You mentioned wanting to have to exercise

this is very important for you, as well as for your children seeing you do. Can you find a way to have them included in this pursuit, perhaps adding them to the daycare portion of the gym membership or if this is not possible either negotiating with your wife so you can have this time. Believe me your kids will still see you as a good father, even when you reserve time for yourself and your health. In the meantime hang in there for the kids. Sounds like you are a great Father.

Everyone needs time for themselves. Maybe you and your wife should try to take some of that weekend time and spend it to gather. Life is hard enough without trying to having a little fun.

I think you need to take charge in planning the next several weekends and they should involve some time where you have some alone time (at the gym, library, coffee shop, wherever) than some time where you take one of the children and have her take the other two. Then transition over to some time where she has all three and again you have some alone time, than transition into some time where you have all three but she's expected to get some things done (run household errands, clean, whatever). My point is, until she has to live in your shoes for a weekend she won't see what this issue is, and it'll continue to be just "your issue" that you need to deal with. I wish you the best.