I Feel My Marriage Is Slipping Away.

Happy to get married again in my mid-fifties, I thought I was in heaven.  But now, after enduring eight years of being constantly rejected by my husband, I find my self fantasizing about cheating on him, and wishing I could just shut down and not feel anything.  In a nutshell, our intimate relationship is no longer what I would like it to be, and I my advances get rejected way too much.  Sometimes I have to beg.  Suddenly, a few nights ago, it is as if I flipped a switch.  I received one rejection too many.  Now I am struggling not to venture on-line for a date, or to just shut down. 

I know that deep down I love my husband and we have a lot in common.  It is just that he doesn't seem to realize I cannot continue to bounce back after he keeps rejecting me so, so much.  He tries to joke about it at times, but it doesn't work.  I laugh, but I am in pain.  I think the rejection hurts more than the infrequent intimacy.

There are also too many times when he talks as if I am a burden to him.  It is sort of like, if he didn't;t have me around, he' d feel "free."   He goes through periods when he rejects the romantic dinners we have at night - always just the two of us, and we always openly discuss our day.  We both get a lot out of it, but then he complains that it's "not worth it."  He could be sleeping.  That's really a slap in the face, but I try to go along and understand, because like anyone else, I know he is tired after work.   Sometimes he sits down to plan activities he can enjoy without me, which is fine.  But afterward he realizes he doesn't want to do these things alone, because basically he is planning what one would call "couple things."  Stuff you would want to share with some one.  But he resists this so often.  Am I being stupid?  Is this man dreaming of a life without me?  He says he could not live without me, but he doesn't act like it. 

I am afraid my feelings for him are starting to fade.  I look at him, and I feel resentment - LOTS of resentment.  Even though we have discussed the fact that I feel we need more intimacy, the conversation always ends with him saying "don't' worry, we're fine."  But we're not.  I have to say, I am probably feeling needy in other areas of the marriage as well, otherwise the intimacy issue would not loom so large.  It is not as if we don't have sex - we do.  It is the infrequency that is the problem. 

I probably need counseling - I have tried in the past, but we end up discussing HIM, and not me!  They tell me HE needs help, or at a minimum, we need counseling together.  But he would never go along with it.

So maybe I am blowing things out of proportion?  I mean, most of the time we get a long, and we do share a ton of interests.  Should I just not gripe and be happy with what I have?

Still, the fact that I searched for an open forum, so that I could discuss this, tells me I have a problem.

Thank you so much for allowing me to share. 
wanttochange17 wanttochange17
4 Responses May 20, 2011

OMG. You seriously took words out of my head. Except I'm a bloke. Would love to chat. Maybe we can work out what each other's problems are from the other sexes perspective.

I'm sooooo trying to make my girl feel hot after 2 kids but she's closed her mind to having fun.

You used a line that I can relate too " I received one rejection too many" after 22 yrs of constant trying, I finally shut down. <br />
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The breaking point was last summer when we were invited to a couples party...we had such a good time, we all spoke of the good old days and danced to some old music that brough back some nice memories.<br />
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I was at the height of being happy, feeling sexy and feeling like a woman till we got in the car to go home...<br />
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I just mentioned to my hub to be careful driving home..we were only 15 mins away from our home and, its my nature to be concerned since I had a few drinks and he driving.<br />
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Just because I say be careful driving...he flipped out on me like I said something wrong..gosh!<br />
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I felt the pain ..I asked myslef why couldn't my hub just say "yes dear" and take me home to a night of passion.<br />
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That was my breaking point..other times and too many times I tried making excuses for his behavior but, that was the final straw.<br />
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My heart, body and mind just shut down at that moment....I told myslef this is enough, how many times do we need to go over this and it happens everytime.<br />
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I am a woman who is self confident, contribute to the household and had raised a wonderful daughter and it is now my time to be happy...<br />
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My coping mechanisms are advancing my studies and keeping or atlease trying to get in the best shape of my life. Atlease I have come to understand life is not perfect and I am doing it for me.<br />
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Hang in there all!

I am so sorry. I honestly feel your pain. You're right - you can only take so much. Eventually, it starts chipping away at you and you inevitably face depression. I have sought therapy at times, to help me when I was at my lowest. I've resorted to reading books about how to improve your marriage. I've prayed. I've kept a journal of positive affirmations. I maintain a vision board. All of these coping mechanisms have helped to some extent. At times, I have changed my behavior (and stopped acting like a victim), and lo and behold, he changed, at least for a brief period of time.<br />
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Hang in there. Use every resource available to you. Hopefully, things will change.

Damned frustrating being in a relationship, when your partner doesn't hear what you are saying and you are slowly dying inside. My husband will have sex, but there is no affection, no hugs, no kisses. I have slipped into a depression after years of this treatment. I adored him for a long time, but you can only take so much. This is affecting my health now and I am coming to the end of my rope.