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I Asked For A Hug

This morning, the need to be held was so overwhelming, I didn't think I could bear it. I kept looking at my husband, wondering if I should ask for a hug. There is no physical contact between us for years, and it does my self esteem no good, when I have to ask my own husband to hold's like begging.
Over the years as this need for physical contact was denied, I would take my solace in my pets. I sat on the floor with them, feeling incredibly lonely and in need of affection, and would just cry. The three dogs would crowd around me trying to get as close to me as possible and I would hold onto them. It was one big doggie group hug, and they would not leave me no matter how long I sat and cried. After about 15-20 minutes, I would start to feel better because those beautiful amazing animals had soothed my lonely heart, and they made me feel loved again.
My precious babies have all gone now, so the comfort I derived from them has also gone, so this is why I sometimes succumb to insanity and demean myself...tempted to "beg" for a hug from him.
I asked for one a few months ago, and surprisingly he gave me a great big bear hug, then we parted and that was that. A month or so later, I asked for another one. I got one, but this one was limp, as though it was a bother to him. We parted, and I felt worse. So today, desperation for physical contact struck again. I asked him would it be too distasteful for him to hug me. He said, "of course not." He hugged me. It was not limp and it was not a bear hug...somewhere in-between...then we parted.
I don't want my husband anymore....the pain of 20-years kills the desire for a person, but I can't go around asking strange men for a hug, or even the neighbors husbands...somehow I think they would get the wrong idea, so all I'm left with is him. 
I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone. 
*Update: I am no longer married.*

Carissimi Carissimi 56-60, F 102 Responses Oct 18, 2011

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Get another dog they are true friends

Well reading to the end it appears you took action. I hope you are now getting what you desired and left for.

thank you for sharing

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I know this is an older post, but wow, it hit the nail on the head. I am experiencing this tonight with my husband and have for a long while now. I keep wondering how much a hug would cost---a genuine one, one that means, "I'm here for you, I'm your husband, your protector." Sadly, he can see my eyes flood with tears and respond with a, "Dry it up" and no hug, of course. I wonder how many people stick it out because of habit and when is it too much. I pray you have found comfort, happiness, and most of all love and hugs---I believe we all deserve that and it's sad when our husbands, the ones we married and thought would provide that just would rather deny it.

I hope you found some one to hold you by now. I'm 43 I've been with my husband 19 years. I'm so lonely I too get no affection. I cry a lot and sadness consumes me. At night when he sleeps I take his hand and put it on my cheeks to pretend he loves me. I have dreams sometimes that I am loved and then I wake up to find him blank and empty. I don't understand I have a big heart I could be happy easily. He even ignores me most every day. I have a puppy who gladly observes my tears, takes walks on the beach and listens to my feelings. I actually Google if love is a real thing. I'd so love to be noticed and to fee like I matter. Last week I received news that my father had went on life support after chemo. I sat up in tears alone while my husband slept the night away. Tomorrow I with face another lonely day as if I were nothing, no one and still I will have no hug no smile no kiss. Nothing.

I'm going through this now. Been in the relationship for 2 and a half years and early on I fulfilled my need for affection with my dog and my best friend. She had been with me through a lot and I got a lot of comfort from her. But then this relationship progressed and I was forced to choose to either move in and progress in the relationship and give up my dog because he didn't want her to come. Or give up the relationship for my dog. I chose the human relationship since a family member could take the dog and I knew she would be loved. But I made a HUGE mistake. my boyfriend is not affectionate at all. That didn't matter as much when I could go home to my dog. But now, living here without the dog and without any affection, I'm dying inside. I cry all the time. I asked once if he could just hug me one time a day. He never answered and never did it, so I took it as a no. To be fair, he told me he was like this and I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I found myself without anyone to hug. Not even my dog. I'm ready to leave and I see from other's experiences that maybe I should go while it's still fairly new.

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I've read most of the post. The whole time I'm thinking, I wasn't alone in this. I'm a person that needs those hugs and kisses. It did come to a point with me that I could no longer stand to have him even look at me. My grandchildren were my source of hugs. Still, I knew I had to leave. I was looking for full time work when my adult son was found with cancer. Not married, someone would have to care for him. Much happened during this time, and the divorce was one of the results--it came way before I was ready. When I told my husband how I felt, he kicked me out of the house. Anyhow, it is 4 years after my son's cancer, 3 years after the divorce, and 1 year since my son died. The need for the physical touch drove me nuts in those years, knowing I was free to go do as I pleased. I was in so much need that it created pain. It was an overload.

Two years ago, I met a man who had gone through the loss of a wife to cancer seven years before I met him. He helped me through much. We are still together but he doesn't understand this underlying necessity for me to be intimate. I kept thinking something was wrong with me. Just recently I realized, I need the intimacy to "know" I am loved and needed. Tonight I attempted to explain it to him, describing the awful experiment done with orphan children during one of the World Wars--can't remember the name of the experiment. Most of those children died from lack of affection. I do shut down if affection isn't given. I'm also a giver of affection and have learned to curtail it because most people are not very receptive. Right now, my fiance' acts as if giving me a hug is a chore, and when I insist on a squeeze or him running my shoulder, arm, something when giving me a hug, he insist "YOU always want more." It is painful. I find myself wondering if it is me.

In my short time of being single (I was married 32 years, 20 of those years had little touching, the last 4 to 5 was down to about nothing, the last 3, as I was told, caused physical pain), the affection shown immediately is to rope me in and then go to "don't touch me." My fiance touches me when the urge hits him: pull my hair, a quick kiss, slap of my rump, something simple and quick but never lasting more than a few seconds. I don't want to "start all over again." The difference between then and now is my fiance doesn't hide in the house and go nowhere--he's not a hermit, and he talks to me, watches movies, has philosophical discussions, and still helps me through the grieving but without holding me. He is different from my ex but I feel like I'm back where I was with the affection. At least he hasn't denied me rubbing or scratching his back, petting him and such when I need to really touch. I know he enjoys it, and I'm glad he does. I just want the same in return.

Yes, I want to have sexual intimacy with him. He has completely shut that off. His back is the cause of that. A part of me wants to walk away but it isn't anywhere like what I left--no talking, all TV watching, no leaving the house--not even for family gatherings. With my fiance I even have someone who believes in God the way I see God--not all this religious mumbo jumbo of "we are right, there is no other way to believe." We started this relationship as an open relationship, knowing that there were things he liked that I wouldn't do, and the same for him. Now, I don't even have that outside touching because he feels threatened with the relationship being open. To find another man that speaks to me as if I'm worthy to be spoken to and share things intellectually as we do, even God, and theorize about every thing, would be terribly hard, and I do not want to begin the process again.

Wish there were answers. At least I know there are others out there suffering as well.


I know the feeling well. That is how I am treated.

How does a 67 year old woman in a 44 year marriage start over?I am so lonely that I feel like I will burst into tears at any time. My husband has no desire for any physical intimacy and has not had any for the majority of our marriage. Even in the early years of our marriage, sex was very sporadic and has been totally non existent for the last twenty. I have often told him how sad and lonely this makes me feel and he agrees that I deserve better, but has never made any attempt to find out why he is this way. He has always been a good provider and a great father, but I really feel like I have settled for all these years. Now at my age, I think about living the rest of my life like this, and think that maybe it's time to focus on me, but I don't know how.

I truly understand your predicament, and your sadness. How do you start over at the age of 67? Very good question. I am working on that myself, and I am not yet 60, though hurtling toward it. The first thing I would ask yourself is do you have financial independence apart from your husband? You don't have to answer that here, but it does help...a lot...with the practical side of life. Are you retired or still working? Again, questions for yourself. Now, I'm not saying that you can't start over, if you don't have these, it's just that it will make your practical life easier. Emotions and dealing with the separation, and your own lifestyle of 44-years is another thing all together. It can be done. You can do it, but I think it will be far from easy. I'm having a very hard time dealing with this part myself, but I expect to be on my own within a very short time. It's very hard to face. I really an not an authority to give you advice as I am just about to go through this process....actually the process has started...but maybe I will be more qualified to answer your question after I've done it myself.
My heart goes out to you. What can I say? I know the pain of it, even though mine was for half the time, but it is still pain. Please feel free to message me anytime. I'm not on EP as much these days, but I can look in once a day or so.
One thing...very important! YES! It is time to focus on you, and YOU ONLY. This is your life, and you have given it away, living in false hope, as I did. Hoping that he would change that things would change, but they never do with these withholders. If you live to be 100, the chances of him changing are very remote. You must now think about you, and put yourself first. Even if you do nothing at this point except start thinking in these terms that you must be your own priority. I am here if you need to speak. Bless you, stambrose. May you know love and peace. Namaste (Hugs)

I am now divorced and the fear of it was worse than it actually is. In fact, once it was done, I felt a huge weight lift from me, and I actually feel better.
I've secured my healthcare, which was a big issue for me to lose mine, but so far, I feel better now that I'm free.

Yes I feel that way for months my wife as deprived me of sex it's like she's ejecting me. I'm tempted to go off with another women who will fulfill my needs but then ill just be as bad as my wife I think? We have a son together now that's the only reason I don't walk out. It's not about talking to her she knows what she's doing. Every time I even go to massage her or even try to get close to her it's like she expects me to be nice to her in the day but when it comes to the night she's not even interested. It's doing my head in. And I can take no more rejection it's so horrible at night. I turn away and sleep rite on the end of the bed. It's coming to the point were I don't even want to stay in the same room as her. I don't know maybe it's me man I feel worthless and if some other women can make me happy. I feel like I'm
waiting years I can't go through with it no more. If there was someone out there that would understand me and want the same thing ill would be very tempted to do so. I hate feeling like this. I used to be a fitness fanatic but she hated that. Now I'm slowly getting back it it idled rather spend time in other people's company and gym time is like an elascape for it all i trained hard every day and miss it too. It's beta to hit the weights hard than to feel this way it's my solitude and get away it stops me from thinking of sex so i don't cheat on her even though she's the cheat in a way it feels like it why reject your man your husband it's breaking her vals of well my be in the next life I won't be as quick to marry or fall I love it sucks to point I feel like I want to new trust a girl again and just be on my own

Physical contact is so important, just that feeling of warmth that comes with physical closeness. It's a basic need for most of us; I don't understand why someone would withhold this. My situation and my feelings are similar...sometimes I wonder, is it me? I am the one who has to initiate physical you said, it is tough on the self esteem.

No it is not you. You are with a "withholder," someone who is emotionally unavailable to you. I'm sorry. Only you have the power to choose what to do. Your self esteem with wither much more as time goes by.

been over 2 years since you wrote this...have things changed? hope they have...

Nothing has changed except my divorce is almost final, so no hugs then nor since I wrote this story, two-years ago. Thanks for good wishes though.

awww I am sorry...well I know it may not mean too much but heres a virtual hug from me...:)


you are welcome! The profile page does not allow me to send a hug to thats the only thing I can send you on here :)

what finally compelled you to divorce and i wonder how he felt when you approached him with it........or i wonder if he had the same idea ?

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My husband has not kissed me for 22 years. He quit when I was pregnant for my second son. I had two more children after him. I blamed myself and tried to be perfect, a Donna reed clone, I did everything he wanted waited on him hand and foot, dressed the way he wanted , kept the house spotless and cried myself to sleep when he wouldn't kiss me tell me why or even discuss it. Five years ago I finished my marriage in my heart. I no longer desire his kisses and I will be leaving this summer when my youngest leaves for college. It isn't your fault it is his. You have to take care of you. You still have a future as do I and I can't wait. Take care of your health, get in shape, learn something new, make some friends or call up some old ones, think positive and set some new goals. I'm excited and terrified. But I want to live my life and pursue my dreams without his dampening shadow. Just the thought is exhilarating

I really miss hugs too. It's amazing how lack of some of the basics of human contact can really bring a person down.

Yes, it can. A human being going without physical contact and affection for a prolonged period just wilts in their soul.

I am sorry to hear you have this pain too. I have no advice only empathy.
My wife does not touch me voluntarily. She now says I give her a guilt trip when I ask for affection.
I hope you can kind what you need.

Thank you.

Why would you be alone if you left ? I am waiting for my youngest to graduate and then I'm leaving. My goal for the last five years is to finish raising my children. Once completed I am leaving to look for my happy place. I think the possibilities are infinite. I'm terrified but excited. The waiting is what's killing me

Why would I expect to walk into a relationship when I'm on my own. I'm not one of these people who falls in love at the drop of a hat, and just because I've had no physical contact for years, and long for it, does not mean I'll accept just anyone that comes along. I may be lonely, but I'm not desperate.

That is so sad. My wife doesn't want me, so I understand the pain. I would give you an honest heartfelt hug, just because. I am a big ole Teddy bear.

Omg that sounds exactly like my story. Many,many years of NO sex,no cuddling, no massaging. Yet he says he loves me and wants no one else. I'm not sure what's up. For many years I thought he might be gay. I've had dreams of meeting some wonderful man that would adore me AND desire me but I don't think I could cheat. Yet I don't think I could ever leave him unless there was someone else in the picture. How insecure does that sound. And yet I really am a very secure and confident person. Maybe not in this department anymore...What should we do?

Is there actually anything to cheat on. I do not advocate cheating at all, but when your so called lover never loves you, as in makes love to you, and it goes on and on, and years pass, to me it is not cheating because he is cheating you out of love. Just keeps you hanging on. I hope you don't lose 23-years like I did hanging on.

all of these's things >>> I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone. well except the him part .I need as bad as u do carrissimi & some

That's why I stay, I would still be alone. It's better to be lonesome in company. *sobssilently*

Yes, it can be difficult to choose which lonely it's going to be. However, we know the lonely of living with this person and the misery it causes us, and this will be the rest of our life. We could chance the alone lonely, but knowing that it may bring new opportunities for happiness. May not, but we still have a chance for it. Staying, there is no chance.

So sad to read your experience. I find most humans cruel, selfish and totally unreliable. Even if they seem so once or twice, soon enough they can turn their back on you. Domestic animals are by far the most reliable and loving beings on earth. Do try to get yourself another pet. Hugs from me though too! Take care.

I agree with you. I think animals are the only sincere and loyal creatures left on the planet.

Wow, this breaks my heart to hear. For now my husband likes to play and joke around a little too much for me. Then i stop and think how it felt when he cheted on me and showed that attention to someone else. I have his attention now, jut dont know for how long. He got me a dog and she is as great companion. Cps took my kids because of my husband's stupidity. That hurts so much because i cant pour my love onto them. I sure hope God breaks this cruel circle you are in. Your husband will have to answer to God for his cruelty towards you.

Carissmi takes even a passing comment as a personal attack. I think that says something right there.

:) Have a nice day, dear. Try and be sweet.

Dear Carissimi, I was very heartbroken wen I read ur story. I understand how u feel. I read all your comments and I realised u hv an understanding of what true love is, ur matured in mind (I dnt know ur age) and u have a good heart. I know u love ur husband (even though u feel u don't and maybe divorcing); atleast u once loved him and got married with him. Like I said before, u have a matured mind, now make use of it. U have to know ur husband loves u and there is a reason behind his actions. Ask urself some questions like, When did ur husband disconnect from you? Can u figure out why? Is there something ur doing wrong or is it jst his problem? Is he seeing someone else? Was there something u do before which u stopped doing hence d disconnection? I believe there must be a problem somewhere Carissimi, u need to figure it out and tackle it. Dialogue with him and solve the problem. Don't divorce him, its not God's will and it will not solve the problem.

Thanks dear, but all these questions have been asked 20-years ago. It's over.

Are u remarried now?

That is heart breaking.

Sad, yes, but the hardest years are behind me now. I've become a recluse and left life behind. I only exist now, but it is what it is.

Huge big bear hug for you!

Thanks for your are not alone.

Something tells me what ever type of hug he gave you, it wouldn't have been good enough.

I\'m truly sorry for your pain. It\'s obvious you are in great pain to have such judgement of someone you don\'t know, and have no inside knowledge of circumstances. I hope you find forgiveness in your heart so that you may heal.

Pain? Judgement? I was merely stating a hunch I had. But now that you say this, would there have been any hug that would have satisfied the moment?? What else was lacking from the big bear hug? Sometimes I feel as your husband must have that whatever I do it\'s not going to be good enough...but I guess that\'s al l\"water nuder the bridge\" now, you made you\'re decision to divorce it looks like. No time to try to right wrongs...apologies not accepted.

You are projecting your hate for your wife onto me. I\'m a stranger to you, and yet you have yourself convinced that I\'m bad like your wife. So be it. I don\'t take it personally, but this hatred of yours will destroy you.

So sorry for you that someone expresses such harshness to a basic staple of a positive relationship. Hugs and kisses are what make sex sweet. That a wife needs to beg for a hug is pretty bad. Some men, however, don\'t know or realize how their woman needs the hug, or they cannot detect when she needs them. If, though, the man cannot give a freaking hug after she asks for it, then there is something wrong, even bad, in him. You have my sympathies, and, for what it\'s worth, my virtual hug.

Thank you.

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I'm giving you a long distance mental hug...

I feel your pain...I honestly do...been that way for me for 38 freaking years...

Thank you, and sorry.

Remember that night at the drive in and the long kisses. And feeling places you had never felt before. I long for just one more kiss like that!!!! Probably will never happen. But just thought I would share

No, but whoever she was, she left you some nice memories.