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I Asked For A Hug

This morning, the need to be held was so overwhelming, I didn't think I could bear it. I kept looking at my husband, wondering if I should ask for a hug. There is no physical contact between us for years, and it does my self esteem no good, when I have to ask my own husband to hold me...it's like begging.
Over the years as this need for physical contact was denied, I would take my solace in my pets. I sat on the floor with them, feeling incredibly lonely and in need of affection, and would just cry. The three dogs would crowd around me trying to get as close to me as possible and I would hold onto them. It was one big doggie group hug, and they would not leave me no matter how long I sat and cried. After about 15-20 minutes, I would start to feel better because those beautiful amazing animals had soothed my lonely heart, and they made me feel loved again.
My precious babies have all gone now, so the comfort I derived from them has also gone, so this is why I sometimes succumb to insanity and demean myself...tempted to "beg" for a hug from him.
I asked for one a few months ago, and surprisingly he gave me a great big bear hug, then we parted and that was that. A month or so later, I asked for another one. I got one, but this one was limp, as though it was a bother to him. We parted, and I felt worse. So today, desperation for physical contact struck again. I asked him would it be too distasteful for him to hug me. He said, "of course not." He hugged me. It was not limp and it was not a bear hug...somewhere in-between...then we parted.
I don't want my husband anymore....the pain of 20-years kills the desire for a person, but I can't go around asking strange men for a hug, or even the neighbors husbands...somehow I think they would get the wrong idea, so all I'm left with is him. 
I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone. 
*Update: I am no longer married.*



Carissimi Carissimi 56-60, F 107 Responses Oct 18, 2011

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Giving you a big hug and a kiss on your neck.

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i,m hugging you now hon

Thank you.

That was so incredibly sad and painful to read. I guess the reason was the same thing happened to me, and although, just like you, I'm divorced now, your prediction came true for me. I'm still lonely. There are days it hurts so badly.

I'm really sorry. Loneliness is a terrible pain. Some days I feel okay, and others are incredibly lonely. I think we just have to find what works for us to get us through those times. Peace & Love.

want some company? can you add me?:)

I relate!! Great story. Will you add me?

Your never alone: Here you go, I will give you a long, long hugs. I know about this also. I'm going through some now. The hugs were not the same, just why is it so hard for someone that loves you to give what you need. Why what's wrong!

I don't think they really love you if they neglect you and see you suffering from it. That's not love.

I can relate to this. Has things gotten any better? How long have you been married?

I think that question was for me, but your story is very sad. You should put it in a story on your own profile. More people will see it than here in a comment.

That was not me that said "much worse," seems someone was answering for me in their own comment. I can't really say how it is for me. In some way, I am much better off, in others much worse off. I'll know better once I'm actually on my own.

I know how you feel, I was married for 30 years to a woman that I ended up room mates with. She had no need for affection.

So I divorced at 55, now what? Dating? I found a friend a few doors down the street from me. She went through a horrible divorce and is not ready for a full time relationship.

We have become friends with benefits, we spend a night or two together for the hugging and kissing we were missing, And yes sometimes we have sex.

She's 20 years younger than I. Makes us both feel alittle younger.

I'm glad you found someone, for some touch and affection, at least. I am still without both, and now divorced, but like you said, what is left - dating? I really don't want to get on that merry-go-round again. It's been 25-years since I last dated, and that was my ex. I guess at my age, a woman remains alone. There are not many men out there anyway who are available, and those who are seem to prefer much younger women if they can get one...you make a good case for that.

To me, you are a younger woman, And probably would loved to have met you after my divorce. Dating?? I really never got back into that. I don't care for the bar scene so I was a hermit for awhile.

I was 65 when I met Louise. It was one of those my mower won't start, can you take a look? It was simple, all I expected was a thanks. But she offered lunch and that's how it started.

We were at a function with some friends and one of her girl friends asked about me? Later Louise told me that she had mentioned to her friend that had never envisioned sleeping with a older guy.

So never say never.

That's a nice story. Maybe I can find an 80- year old to fix my lawn mower. ;)

Never say never. And I'd be happy to fix your mower.

:) I don't know any 80- year olds. In fact I don't know any men of any age. Maybe I should volunteer at the senior center. ;) I'm joking.

It's your profile. It's all about nakedness and sex. You seem like a nice guy, but I would be breaking my own rule about profiles.

Can I add you to my circle?? I always ask.

You can add me, sure. I just can't reciprocate.

Ok, I understand. Yes, I've been a nudist since childhood. I think there's only one story that had anything to do with sex.

I understand never the less.

I disagree about the part that there aren't available men for a woman your age. Personally, I would prefer one closer to my age. Much more to relate to than a younger model. IMHO

I don't want a younger man either. I suppose I could say 50 +. I don't mind if he's 80 or 90 as long as we are attracted to one another and have a rapport and things in common. I'm not actually looking, but I still don't think there are many out there. Why do you think otherwise?

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I have been 7 years with a sexless marriage ! I'm no longer begging her for an inetraction, if she doesn't feel like, doing it anymore...What can I do !!
I don't know if it's a good reason to move on n get divorce but I'm getting really nervous especially on those holidays.....

If you are going to do it, do it while you still have some youth. The older you get, the harder it gets, once you leave, and the chances of finding someone new for love, affection etc diminishes with age.

i Like ur comment , I don't know how this will end, I don't know how long could I stay like that !.....

Seems like if you're no longer married then at least you don't have to look at him day after day wondering and hoping.

You're free to go find your hug without him being there like a leaden weight pulling you down.

Go live dear lady - spread your wings and fly.

If you get to read this I do understand where you are - due to my wife's ill health I'm there as well.

It's not a happy life.

Now that I'm on my laptop, I can see responses. They need to fix the phone app so one does not have to scroll though hundreds of messages to get to the recent ones. I'm really sorry about your wife and your circumstances. No, it's not a happy life. Was or is your wife kind to you though? Does she care for you?

She has severe anxiety and has pretty much shut down. I'm afraid she's just a shell of the girl I married 40 years ago.

It's what it is....

Yes it is, yet still it is sad. May you find continued strength to cope, and have light and love enter your life.

Thankyou....I have no intention of leaving her but at the same time I so miss the touch and intimacy of years ago.

I do outsource occasionallý but it just relieves the tension for a little while.

I do understand where you are coming from and admire your strength - maybe one day the clouds will lift.

Maybe. Thank you.

Thank you, but finding a hug is not that simple. I've been divorced for 9-months now, and still have no hug. Haven't had one in many years not counting the limp one's I wrote about, which made me feel worse. I have to accept at this age that this is it, and I have accepted it. More than anything, I would just like to take a walk holding a male hand and sharing intelligent conversation and good company. But how I get that I have no idea other than joining a dating site, and I really don't want to go that route.

Just getting out and about, joining groups you are interested in, meeting people....it's a start anyway.

You're not in the grave yet you know...

Sorry. I think I posted this in the wrong box. It was in response to a recent poster. However, as I'm here I'll respond to your response. :) There are no groups here that interest me. My former groups were full of women...book clubs etc. I would not join a group just to meet men, I would join because I have an interest in the group. I know I'm not in the grave yet, but I am realistic enough to know what's what at this age. I've accepted it.

I wasn't suggesting you run around like a desperate cougar......but don't surrender either.

From what I've seen of you, you've got a lot going for you.

Hi QS, I was brought back to this story by notifications and scrolled through the comments and saw what I wrote to you a while back...that there were no groups here. Well there are now that I have moved. There are groups and so much to see and do in my new location. I've only done a little exploring so far as I was, and still am to an extent, busy with moving in and unpacking etc, but it's good to know there is so much activity here...even a Sufi center with Whirling Dervishes. How cool is that for a Rumi lover? :)

Just getting out and becoming part of the world again is healthy for you C..

Finding people you have things in common with and who's company you can enjoy will hopefully lighten the grey clouds over you.....and that Sufi centre sounds for you.

You sound a lot better.

I agree.

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Here, have a big Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggg from me xx

Thank you. :)

Get another dog they are true friends

Well reading to the end it appears you took action. I hope you are now getting what you desired and left for.

No. Divorce does not guarantee anything. It's all very complicated, but thank you for your wishes.

thank you for sharing

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I know this is an older post, but wow, it hit the nail on the head. I am experiencing this tonight with my husband and have for a long while now. I keep wondering how much a hug would cost---a genuine one, one that means, "I'm here for you, I'm your husband, your protector." Sadly, he can see my eyes flood with tears and respond with a, "Dry it up" and no hug, of course. I wonder how many people stick it out because of habit and when is it too much. I pray you have found comfort, happiness, and most of all love and hugs---I believe we all deserve that and it's sad when our husbands, the ones we married and thought would provide that just would rather deny it.

It's really cruel, isn't it? I'm really sorry for your situation. I know it well. No. I have not found love, or even had a hug since I wrote this. I am still hug-less, and that is how it is.

I hope you found some one to hold you by now. I'm 43 I've been with my husband 19 years. I'm so lonely I too get no affection. I cry a lot and sadness consumes me. At night when he sleeps I take his hand and put it on my cheeks to pretend he loves me. I have dreams sometimes that I am loved and then I wake up to find him blank and empty. I don't understand I have a big heart I could be happy easily. He even ignores me most every day. I have a puppy who gladly observes my tears, takes walks on the beach and listens to my feelings. I actually Google if love is a real thing. I'd so love to be noticed and to fee like I matter. Last week I received news that my father had went on life support after chemo. I sat up in tears alone while my husband slept the night away. Tomorrow I with face another lonely day as if I were nothing, no one and still I will have no hug no smile no kiss. Nothing.

Get out! Don't stay with a cold heart. You are still young, and can find someone who can give you the love you so need. I stayed too long. Don't do that. I feel so sad for you. No, I have no one. I am old now and chances are very slim at this age, so this is why I tell you to leave now while you still have a chance at happiness.

I'm going through this now. Been in the relationship for 2 and a half years and early on I fulfilled my need for affection with my dog and my best friend. She had been with me through a lot and I got a lot of comfort from her. But then this relationship progressed and I was forced to choose to either move in and progress in the relationship and give up my dog because he didn't want her to come. Or give up the relationship for my dog. I chose the human relationship since a family member could take the dog and I knew she would be loved. But I made a HUGE mistake. my boyfriend is not affectionate at all. That didn't matter as much when I could go home to my dog. But now, living here without the dog and without any affection, I'm dying inside. I cry all the time. I asked once if he could just hug me one time a day. He never answered and never did it, so I took it as a no. To be fair, he told me he was like this and I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I found myself without anyone to hug. Not even my dog. I'm ready to leave and I see from other's experiences that maybe I should go while it's still fairly new.

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I've read most of the post. The whole time I'm thinking, I wasn't alone in this. I'm a person that needs those hugs and kisses. It did come to a point with me that I could no longer stand to have him even look at me. My grandchildren were my source of hugs. Still, I knew I had to leave. I was looking for full time work when my adult son was found with cancer. Not married, someone would have to care for him. Much happened during this time, and the divorce was one of the results--it came way before I was ready. When I told my husband how I felt, he kicked me out of the house. Anyhow, it is 4 years after my son's cancer, 3 years after the divorce, and 1 year since my son died. The need for the physical touch drove me nuts in those years, knowing I was free to go do as I pleased. I was in so much need that it created pain. It was an overload.

Two years ago, I met a man who had gone through the loss of a wife to cancer seven years before I met him. He helped me through much. We are still together but he doesn't understand this underlying necessity for me to be intimate. I kept thinking something was wrong with me. Just recently I realized, I need the intimacy to "know" I am loved and needed. Tonight I attempted to explain it to him, describing the awful experiment done with orphan children during one of the World Wars--can't remember the name of the experiment. Most of those children died from lack of affection. I do shut down if affection isn't given. I'm also a giver of affection and have learned to curtail it because most people are not very receptive. Right now, my fiance' acts as if giving me a hug is a chore, and when I insist on a squeeze or him running my shoulder, arm, something when giving me a hug, he insist "YOU always want more." It is painful. I find myself wondering if it is me.

In my short time of being single (I was married 32 years, 20 of those years had little touching, the last 4 to 5 was down to about nothing, the last 3, as I was told, caused physical pain), the affection shown immediately is to rope me in and then go to "don't touch me." My fiance touches me when the urge hits him: pull my hair, a quick kiss, slap of my rump, something simple and quick but never lasting more than a few seconds. I don't want to "start all over again." The difference between then and now is my fiance doesn't hide in the house and go nowhere--he's not a hermit, and he talks to me, watches movies, has philosophical discussions, and still helps me through the grieving but without holding me. He is different from my ex but I feel like I'm back where I was with the affection. At least he hasn't denied me rubbing or scratching his back, petting him and such when I need to really touch. I know he enjoys it, and I'm glad he does. I just want the same in return.

Yes, I want to have sexual intimacy with him. He has completely shut that off. His back is the cause of that. A part of me wants to walk away but it isn't anywhere like what I left--no talking, all TV watching, no leaving the house--not even for family gatherings. With my fiance I even have someone who believes in God the way I see God--not all this religious mumbo jumbo of "we are right, there is no other way to believe." We started this relationship as an open relationship, knowing that there were things he liked that I wouldn't do, and the same for him. Now, I don't even have that outside touching because he feels threatened with the relationship being open. To find another man that speaks to me as if I'm worthy to be spoken to and share things intellectually as we do, even God, and theorize about every thing, would be terribly hard, and I do not want to begin the process again.

Wish there were answers. At least I know there are others out there suffering as well.

HUGZ x INFINITY!

How does a 67 year old woman in a 44 year marriage start over?I am so lonely that I feel like I will burst into tears at any time. My husband has no desire for any physical intimacy and has not had any for the majority of our marriage. Even in the early years of our marriage, sex was very sporadic and has been totally non existent for the last twenty. I have often told him how sad and lonely this makes me feel and he agrees that I deserve better, but has never made any attempt to find out why he is this way. He has always been a good provider and a great father, but I really feel like I have settled for all these years. Now at my age, I think about living the rest of my life like this, and think that maybe it's time to focus on me, but I don't know how.

I truly understand your predicament, and your sadness. How do you start over at the age of 67? Very good question. I am working on that myself, and I am not yet 60, though hurtling toward it. The first thing I would ask yourself is do you have financial independence apart from your husband? You don't have to answer that here, but it does help...a lot...with the practical side of life. Are you retired or still working? Again, questions for yourself. Now, I'm not saying that you can't start over, if you don't have these, it's just that it will make your practical life easier. Emotions and dealing with the separation, and your own lifestyle of 44-years is another thing all together. It can be done. You can do it, but I think it will be far from easy. I'm having a very hard time dealing with this part myself, but I expect to be on my own within a very short time. It's very hard to face. I really an not an authority to give you advice as I am just about to go through this process....actually the process has started...but maybe I will be more qualified to answer your question after I've done it myself.
My heart goes out to you. What can I say? I know the pain of it, even though mine was for half the time, but it is still pain. Please feel free to message me anytime. I'm not on EP as much these days, but I can look in once a day or so.
One thing...very important! YES! It is time to focus on you, and YOU ONLY. This is your life, and you have given it away, living in false hope, as I did. Hoping that he would change that things would change, but they never do with these withholders. If you live to be 100, the chances of him changing are very remote. You must now think about you, and put yourself first. Even if you do nothing at this point except start thinking in these terms that you must be your own priority. I am here if you need to speak. Bless you, stambrose. May you know love and peace. Namaste (Hugs)

Yes I feel that way for months my wife as deprived me of sex it's like she's ejecting me. I'm tempted to go off with another women who will fulfill my needs but then ill just be as bad as my wife I think? We have a son together now that's the only reason I don't walk out. It's not about talking to her she knows what she's doing. Every time I even go to massage her or even try to get close to her it's like she expects me to be nice to her in the day but when it comes to the night she's not even interested. It's doing my head in. And I can take no more rejection it's so horrible at night. I turn away and sleep rite on the end of the bed. It's coming to the point were I don't even want to stay in the same room as her. I don't know maybe it's me man I feel worthless and if some other women can make me happy. I feel like I'm
waiting years I can't go through with it no more. If there was someone out there that would understand me and want the same thing ill would be very tempted to do so. I hate feeling like this. I used to be a fitness fanatic but she hated that. Now I'm slowly getting back it it idled rather spend time in other people's company and gym time is like an elascape for it all i trained hard every day and miss it too. It's beta to hit the weights hard than to feel this way it's my solitude and get away it stops me from thinking of sex so i don't cheat on her even though she's the cheat in a way it feels like it why reject your man your husband it's breaking her vals of well my be in the next life I won't be as quick to marry or fall I love it sucks to point I feel like I want to new trust a girl again and just be on my own

Physical contact is so important, just that feeling of warmth that comes with physical closeness. It's a basic need for most of us; I don't understand why someone would withhold this. My situation and my feelings are similar...sometimes I wonder, is it me? I am the one who has to initiate physical contact..like you said, it is tough on the self esteem.

No it is not you. You are with a "withholder," someone who is emotionally unavailable to you. I'm sorry. Only you have the power to choose what to do. Your self esteem with wither much more as time goes by.

Gosh
So difficult
I love him, he is a good man, but I have very low self esteem and I try to be perfect
He never pays me a compliment or kisses me
His mother mentioned to me last time she was around! She is so lovely
She said "I hope my son is more affectionate towards you when I am not around"
It has been in my mind ever since

been over 2 years since you wrote this...have things changed? hope they have...

Nothing has changed except my divorce is almost final, so no hugs then nor since I wrote this story, two-years ago. Thanks for good wishes though.

awww I am sorry...well I know it may not mean too much but heres a virtual hug from me...:)

Thanks!

you are welcome! The profile page does not allow me to send a hug to you...so thats the only thing I can send you on here :)
take care...xxx

what finally compelled you to divorce and i wonder how he felt when you approached him with it........or i wonder if he had the same idea ?

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My husband has not kissed me for 22 years. He quit when I was pregnant for my second son. I had two more children after him. I blamed myself and tried to be perfect, a Donna reed clone, I did everything he wanted waited on him hand and foot, dressed the way he wanted , kept the house spotless and cried myself to sleep when he wouldn't kiss me tell me why or even discuss it. Five years ago I finished my marriage in my heart. I no longer desire his kisses and I will be leaving this summer when my youngest leaves for college. It isn't your fault it is his. You have to take care of you. You still have a future as do I and I can't wait. Take care of your health, get in shape, learn something new, make some friends or call up some old ones, think positive and set some new goals. I'm excited and terrified. But I want to live my life and pursue my dreams without his dampening shadow. Just the thought is exhilarating

I really miss hugs too. It's amazing how lack of some of the basics of human contact can really bring a person down.

Yes, it can. A human being going without physical contact and affection for a prolonged period just wilts in their soul.

I am sorry to hear you have this pain too. I have no advice only empathy.
My wife does not touch me voluntarily. She now says I give her a guilt trip when I ask for affection.
I hope you can kind what you need.

Thank you.

Why would you be alone if you left ? I am waiting for my youngest to graduate and then I'm leaving. My goal for the last five years is to finish raising my children. Once completed I am leaving to look for my happy place. I think the possibilities are infinite. I'm terrified but excited. The waiting is what's killing me

Why would I expect to walk into a relationship when I'm on my own. I'm not one of these people who falls in love at the drop of a hat, and just because I've had no physical contact for years, and long for it, does not mean I'll accept just anyone that comes along. I may be lonely, but I'm not desperate.

That is so sad. My wife doesn't want me, so I understand the pain. I would give you an honest heartfelt hug, just because. I am a big ole Teddy bear.

Thank you. It's an old story, and I'm single now. I'm sorry for your pain.

Omg that sounds exactly like my story. Many,many years of NO sex,no cuddling, no massaging. Yet he says he loves me and wants no one else. I'm not sure what's up. For many years I thought he might be gay. I've had dreams of meeting some wonderful man that would adore me AND desire me but I don't think I could cheat. Yet I don't think I could ever leave him unless there was someone else in the picture. How insecure does that sound. And yet I really am a very secure and confident person. Maybe not in this department anymore...What should we do?

Is there actually anything to cheat on. I do not advocate cheating at all, but when your so called lover never loves you, as in makes love to you, and it goes on and on, and years pass, to me it is not cheating because he is cheating you out of love. Just keeps you hanging on. I hope you don't lose 23-years like I did hanging on.

all of these's things >>> I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone. well except the him part .I need as bad as u do carrissimi & some

That's why I stay, I would still be alone. It's better to be lonesome in company. *sobssilently*

Yes, it can be difficult to choose which lonely it's going to be. However, we know the lonely of living with this person and the misery it causes us, and this will be the rest of our life. We could chance the alone lonely, but knowing that it may bring new opportunities for happiness. May not, but we still have a chance for it. Staying, there is no chance.

So sad to read your experience. I find most humans cruel, selfish and totally unreliable. Even if they seem so once or twice, soon enough they can turn their back on you. Domestic animals are by far the most reliable and loving beings on earth. Do try to get yourself another pet. Hugs from me though too! Take care.

I agree with you. I think animals are the only sincere and loyal creatures left on the planet.

Wow, this breaks my heart to hear. For now my husband likes to play and joke around a little too much for me. Then i stop and think how it felt when he cheted on me and showed that attention to someone else. I have his attention now, jut dont know for how long. He got me a dog and she is as great companion. Cps took my kids because of my husband's stupidity. That hurts so much because i cant pour my love onto them. I sure hope God breaks this cruel circle you are in. Your husband will have to answer to God for his cruelty towards you.

Dear Carissimi, I was very heartbroken wen I read ur story. I understand how u feel. I read all your comments and I realised u hv an understanding of what true love is, ur matured in mind (I dnt know ur age) and u have a good heart. I know u love ur husband (even though u feel u don't and maybe divorcing); atleast u once loved him and got married with him. Like I said before, u have a matured mind, now make use of it. U have to know ur husband loves u and there is a reason behind his actions. Ask urself some questions like, When did ur husband disconnect from you? Can u figure out why? Is there something ur doing wrong or is it jst his problem? Is he seeing someone else? Was there something u do before which u stopped doing hence d disconnection? I believe there must be a problem somewhere Carissimi, u need to figure it out and tackle it. Dialogue with him and solve the problem. Don't divorce him, its not God's will and it will not solve the problem.

Thanks dear, but all these questions have been asked 20-years ago. It's over.

Are u remarried now?

No. I will never remarry.

That is heart breaking.

Sad, yes, but the hardest years are behind me now. I've become a recluse and left life behind. I only exist now, but it is what it is.

Huge big bear hug for you!

Thanks for your story....you are not alone.

Something tells me what ever type of hug he gave you, it wouldn't have been good enough.

I\'m truly sorry for your pain. It\'s obvious you are in great pain to have such judgement of someone you don\'t know, and have no inside knowledge of circumstances. I hope you find forgiveness in your heart so that you may heal.

Pain? Judgement? I was merely stating a hunch I had. But now that you say this, would there have been any hug that would have satisfied the moment?? What else was lacking from the big bear hug? Sometimes I feel as your husband must have that whatever I do it\'s not going to be good enough...but I guess that\'s al l\"water nuder the bridge\" now, you made you\'re decision to divorce it looks like. No time to try to right wrongs...apologies not accepted.

You are projecting your hate for your wife onto me. I\'m a stranger to you, and yet you have yourself convinced that I\'m bad like your wife. So be it. I don\'t take it personally, but this hatred of yours will destroy you.

So sorry for you that someone expresses such harshness to a basic staple of a positive relationship. Hugs and kisses are what make sex sweet. That a wife needs to beg for a hug is pretty bad. Some men, however, don\'t know or realize how their woman needs the hug, or they cannot detect when she needs them. If, though, the man cannot give a freaking hug after she asks for it, then there is something wrong, even bad, in him. You have my sympathies, and, for what it\'s worth, my virtual hug.

Thank you.

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Remember that night at the drive in and the long kisses. And feeling places you had never felt before. I long for just one more kiss like that!!!! Probably will never happen. But just thought I would share

No, but whoever she was, she left you some nice memories.

What is the only solution of such issues, which is widespread across the world when either of one partner retracts emotionally(I think person is emotionally unavailable when he/she expresses it in their physical unavailability).I find that when we condition our mind to seek such moments of comfort in other activities like sharing love with pets,underprivileged,and other community services gives us the opportunity to understand the real difference between love and attachment.Yes we are so attached to our desire of being embraced as a needy individual who otherwise wither into pieces of disappointments and sorrows.

Once we taste the real meaning of love which has nothing to do with reciprocation i guess,we no longer cry over spilled milk.But again the main question is :Are we really ready to experience that true love? or we just want to keep on repeating the age old misconceived notion of "Love" which is misleading.

I can't agree with your assessment of love. It is not needy to expect and need love. This whole of existence is based on interconnected was and balance. The best way I can define what love is, is this: " a young boy asked a wise man is it better to love or be loved? The wise man answered, is it better for a bird to fly with its right wing or it's left? Love can take different forms to be sure, but it is a wrong notion to say, it's only about giving and never expecting. Many of us give without expecting, but in a couple relationship, in a parental relationship, a family relationship, and even friendship, to only give love and never receive love...only a cold heart or the ignorant can believe this. To live without affection, kindness, touch, again, only a cold heart could expect this. With all due respect, dear.

You're entitled to your opinion and I respect that.I've not said that I practice this notion but I feel perhaps this is the only solution.Who knows that down the line I may come up with better solution and understanding on this.With this,I wish you all peace and happiness.

Carlissimi, you've a very good point in that relationships such as marriage and friendship are usually expected to be give and take in the matter of love. It is also true that there is love at our core which requires absolutely nothing from anyone in order to exist and to keep giving. The trick, of course, is in being able to operate from that love and peace.

Yes, you are right, Nelladell. It depends on the context of love. "Love is always in the lover." This is the foundation of love, and we express it in many ways, kindness, generosity, understanding....even with strangers, animals, plants, the earth. This is the love that is at our core, and then there is the love of relationships, of which I think anya was speaking, and I responded that this kind of love....for the relationship to flourish has to be nourished by love from both sides. Thank you for your comment.

Anya, I wish you love, peace and light. Namaste

Note: I wrote this before I started my practice in Buddhism, which has brought me strength and a certain peace, but still we all need love.

I have let the desire for love go now, Midage. Life is what it is, and I accept. Still would be nice to have company at times, but I\'ll let it happen if it happens.

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This is truly heart breaking. Begging your spouse for a hug?? Hugs are meant to be warm, spontaneous, and a sign that we truly care for each other. I can see this story was written years ago. Have if things have improved since then? I sincerely hope so. (hugs)

Thank you. We are divorcing.

I understand what you are saying. Same for me, I live in the same house with my husband, sleep in the same bed, But feel like I am on my own. I can do more for him, ask less of him, does not seem to matter, no intimacy, no love, nothing. It is like we are room mates. When I am at work, he does nothing at the house to help, I am gone 50 hours a week, do 95% of the house work, all of the laundry, keep up with bill paying, do most of the cooking. I ask for help, says he will and then just does not do it. I stopped asking. I ask for affection or sex, none, but once in a great while on Sunday about 10pm he will be in the mood and I have to get up at 4am and work the next day. We have no children at home anymore. So what to do, suffer in silence ? Or guilt him ? Making him feel guilty only works for a short time, I no longer feel like I should have to Beg for affection or a little bit of his time. So what are we suppose to do?

Dear, I'm sorry this happened to you too. It's incredibly painful, and chips away at what little self esteem is left in such emotional and mental abuse. What to do? If after communicating how his behaviour and rejection hurts you, and he either does not care, or does not change, or attempts to change for a couple of weeks (usually they do this to keep you from leaving) or a short period of time, and then slips back to the same ways, then you see a pattern, and you can do one of two things: stay and just accept it, for whatever reason, and accept the misery of it, or go and make a fresh start. That's not easy for anyone, but really difficult the older we are, but still it's a choice we can make. What you don't realize is your happiness, your personal power is in your own hands, as is mine. It's up to us to choose. Best wishes, for love, joy, and peace in your life.

hallo. sorry about the situation. i hope God changes it sometime and you be happy with your better half because you deserve it nomatter the past. marriages are hard so i hope this helps www.cbn.com/family/marriage/

I feel very sorrow for you. Because I know about panic of loneliness. I think it is one kind of torture.

I have learned to live with loneliness.

I understand. I give my wife a hug and she lets me, but I either get a pat on the back during the act or nothing. When I kiss her I do with passion in my heart, but I may as well be kissing the bed post. I often jump in the shower with her and she lets me wash her, but the whole time she is washing her hair or shaving her legs. I tell her I love her when I leave for work and all I get is, "Have a good night." It's frustrating as hell.

Wow. I felt like I was alone with that kind of stuff. Keep trying.

Seems to be plenty of us out there.

I'm sorry, I missed your post. I'd left EP for a while when you wrote this. What can I say, the pain of being neglected is excruciating at times. I can't tell you what to do, but don't waste your prime years in misery, like I did.

Wow
I thought I was the only one
I don't know what to do
Only together for two years and pretty much this is my life
I am now so obsessed with thinking I am not attractive
Gosh maybe it will just get worse?

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What a lonely life. You brought tears to my eyes. My mil feels so good when we visit her and give her a hug. Her husband was the same, no physical contact because he had huge issues, was in Russian captivity and since very shy and withdrawn.Does it have to be the hug of a man? You could volunteer in a children's home or in a retirement home if you have enough sparetime.

I have felt that pain, and I know the hurt. May I say to you, you would not be alone if you left him, this I have found to be true. I am 50 years old, a widow and yes their are men out there that want us, bad..!!!
My marriage was one without trust, love diminished over time. Lonely was my best friend it seemed. The last couple years of our marriage, I got really sick and my husband also was not healthy, but we took care of each other, and everyday a little of the love poured into our souls.
We begin to talk again, and he would ask me can I hold you, sex was gone at this point, but he would hold me, and tell me how he had missed holding me, and a hug are a touch. His feelings were, I didn't want him as I thought he didn't want me. This time we had was a time of a healing and learning.
I am trying to say that your man is as lonely as you are, and if the love that you once had was ever strong enough, it is still there, wake it up!!!! if its not worth it, walk away and give both of you a reason to go on.
God bless, best wishes..
And a great big hug :)

Thank you for you good wishes.

I feel the same way too. My dog also knows when I'm feeling bad and will try to comfort me.

I'm sorry. Dogs sense when we are upset and sad, and they try to comfort us. I hope you find the love and affection you so desire.

Dogs are the most wonderful creatures .. man and woman's best friends.. they know us better than we know ourselves ..they are better at intimacy than we are.

Hugs shouldn't have to be asked for... they should be given freely, by those that claim to love us.

I'm so sorry that you feel as though you need to beg for that Carissimi.
Being alone, can sometimes be less painful than being together and being made to feel unworthy .
I wish you all the happiness you wish for.

Thank you, dear, for your good wishes.

sorry to hear the situation your in - I would come and give you affectionate "hugs" if i can.

Are you into meditation ? try loving kindness may be you will see a different perception. hope this helps and happy to talk.

Yes, I am into mindfulness and meditation. It has helped me a lot. However, it has not, and probably will not change my perception of love, in that we all need and want to be loved, and touched. This is a basic human need. Even Buddha needed his Sangha.
Thanks for your comment.

sure - i understand. suggestion is to attract more love. Do u practice loving kindness meditation

I practice loving kindness as part of who I am. It just so happens that is part of the Zen Buddhist practice too, so yes, this is how I live in my every day life, but are you speaking of an actual "loving kindness" sitting meditation? And, if so, I would like you to explain it please.

happy to help -Yes I am thinking actual meditation around loving kindness. I think it will be helpful to chat and have discussion.

But do you know of a specific "loving kindness" meditation? I know of "love" meditations/recitations. Are you speaking of a mantra?

no it is not a mantra

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I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel that way! Saw that saying somewhere. I feel the same too. Second marriage for me. I'm a golf widow.

On the surface that does seem a better option, but life gets complicated, and we all have our reasons to endure the misery.

I am in the same situation and so hate it I just feel trapped.

Sorry...

This was the first story I read on this website. I read it, cried, and knew that I was in the right place.

I hope you find some comfort here, if it's only knowing that so many go through similar situations, and hurt a lot.

I get a hug every morning on my way out the door to work. Arms around my shoulders, two pats on the back and okay time to go see you tonight. Sometimes I hurt so bad after that I almost cry. I think she has just about won. I can't go on much longer.

Sorry for your pain. There are no winners only sadness. Maybe you want to consider your options before you lose more of your precious life.

I am always willing to give someone a hug if they need it.

If I could I would give you a giant BEAR HUG.

You maybe alone if you leave him but you could find someone that wants the same things you do.

Maybe, but living alone does not guarantee that one will find love and affection.

I know this is a long time ago, but I hope your situation has got better.It seems so unfair that the people who want to share and the people who want to withold so often seen paired together.
I miss hugs. Now, even when I get that so rare, unsolicited bear hug it just reminds me of all the times I cried silently and wrapped my arms hard around myself.

I'm really sorry for anyone that has endured this lack of love and affection, besides other things in what we expect from a loving relationship. I have never had a hug since I wrote this, and don't want one from the man I wrote about. We are about to divorce soon. At the same time, I do long for physical and emotional intimacy with a man, it has been too many years without it, but I also think I was not ready, and only now feel that I am getting there. It will feel strange to be with a man again. I know I will be nervous, but think I will remember how it all works. :) I hope your situation improves. Please don't waste your life on someone who does not care for your needs. I did, and I do regret it.

I hope you can find a way to get a hug thats better.

Thanks. You need a loving partner for that, and I don't have one, but thanks for your comment.

Oh u poor thing. Life is truly too short. You deserve more.....we all do. Find it. Don't stop until u do.

Thanks dear, but I don't actively search for a hug or someone to give one. I have never had one since I wrote this back in 2011, and don't expect one anytime soon. It is what it is, and I am probably not ready for a new relationship, although it's what I miss so much.

In feel the same way u feel

:(

I am married for 28 years and I find that I am asking for hugs, a proper kiss (not thin lips well I call it pencil kiss which I feel is cold and uncaring)..I tried asking myself what can I do to improve our situation to be more into each other, but it has to be both willing to give it a go. I will caress, tell him how much I care, ask him about his day, anything that he is interested in but its always me "giving, showing" and now I want it to be my turn....and still waiting....any suggestions are welcomed

After 28-years, the only thing I can say is that you waited too long. Men are very simple...when they want a woman...they will move heaven and earth to have her...if she is available. It depends on how long it's been like this, if it's only a short time there could be various reasons, but if it's gone on for years, and you have spoken to him about it with no response or success, then my dear you are wasting your time. I'm very sorry but it's true, and only you can decide what you do with the rest of your life. Why wait and play a passive role. Take your own ship by the help and steer your own course in life without "waiting" for someone else to make something happen. Don't let the weaknesses of others control your own life. Sometimes, you just have to make a stand. Namaste dear.

I hear you....we all need a hug to remind us of our humaness our beingness and our own sensuality which for me is close to spirituality and when we seem to need it most is when our largest opportunity exists to recognise the little girl and boy inside us that is crying out for our own love and reassurance our own hugs and kisses and recognition that she/he is ok and we are sensual and we are spiritual and we can revel in that without having to be needy of others support mutually sensually or intimately and we have the freedom to choose....and in that is our greatest power....without it we feel weak and needy....with it we are most powerfilled....

I am fortunate to have a hug whenever she or me wish it..and sometimes its just spontaneous.....it wasnt always like that of course....we went thru infidelity and love affairs separation and huge hurt and pain...

Non monogamogamy seemed to be so much easier with less hassle then thru much therapy heartache and pain with ourselves our 3 children and friends and family not to mention lovers....much work therapy counselling and inner growth study and knowledge and self revelation followed to bring us back together...barring the 6 to 7 months apart we have just had our 52nd wedding anniversary... much water under the bridge...

Suggestion practise hugging yourself.... until you can offer free hugs to others....when you are comfortable with yourself others will pick that up and accept your hugs without sparking any ulterior motives within themselves....and wholesomeness will blossom.. :)

****big hugs****

Dayenknight...

Thank you for your comment, but I don't think you understand the the story. It's not me that has a problem giving hugs or receiving them. Anyway, it's all moot now. I wrote this more than a year ago.
Thanks for visiting, and I'm happy that you found a some happiness. Congratulations!

I asked to share a hug this afternoon. I was told "okay, as long as I don't have to hug you back".

I was married 15 years with the last 7 years being sexless, lifeless, and worthless. After the birth of our 2nd child, the then wife became totally devoted to our 2 kids and began neglecting our relationship. Like many people in this type of situation, my first few years in a sexless marriage was making excuses for her: may be she is tire with the kids or at work or whatever, and just hoped that when she is less busy, she will return to normal. Another few more years, there's no more relationship. We just coexisted in the same house, room, and bed. A few more years wasted in the marriage, there's a thick wall between us. All communications are through arguments, all feelings are anger and hate, and all dreams are dead. I managed to wake up one day and told myself: I only live once and I have a choice to pursue my own happiness. I filed for divorce and we share custody of our kids. Now, arguments ceased, no hates in the heart, the cancer of my happiness removed. And very soon, I will start over and look forward to finding love, feel my heart beat fast again for another woman, have a reason to smile before falling asleep and have a smile when waking up in the morning. Life is worth living again.

My point is, you only live once. If you want to live happily, you must pursue it. You have to get away from the dark cloud in order to see the rainbow.

I am happy for you, and hope you meet that special someone who will give you the love and care we all deserve.
Merry Christmas.

I know just how you feel.

Thank you, and I'm sorry that you do.

I am also in the same type of marriage relationship kids are grown up and are more involved with their own friends studies. I am the husband who has lost all kind of effection for my wife after years of fighting and arguing and failing to see each other eye to eye. i just lost all feelings, respect and just having nothing to do with her. Picking birthdays, valentine cards were getting so difficult to pick because none of them said how I really and I stopped giving her cards because i felt i will be just lying to her if I gave her the card. Song by Carol King "its too late" was begining to make more sense then ever. What do you think caused your marriage to deteriorate to this level? We both have very different ideas and views about life and about marriage and parenting. I have a better understanding of my marriage now and my wife upbringing born and raised in a wealthy family in US and my upbringing also in a fairly wealthy family but in a 3rd world country exposed to stuff that most Americans only see it on tv must also could have contributed to deteriorate of our marriage.
We are both lacking courage to take the next step which be either divorce or separation after all the marriage councelors in our 23 years of marriage its just to the point that we are never going to see eye to eye. Just another foolish couple fell in a trap who had no full understaing of a marriage just did it anyways because it was the next thing to do after 4 years of dating and all the friends were getting married. All the signs and hints were there but love is blind. We both know we have to do it so we can move on we our own lives. Both of us at 53 I hope that we both find someone special that we can consider as our as our best friend. It would not be a bad idea for Uncle Sam to have everyone to go through a pre marriage seminar and see if they aware a good match instead of the blood test which I am not sure how many come out negative. Same thing before having babies to see if they are mentally and financially fit to bring a bundle of joy that keeps you up at night and sleeps all day. Happy holidays!

wow i can so relate to this story. i am a guy but totally the same way with me when i was married ...for the last 3 yrs of my marriage i slept on the lazy boy. no phys contact. nothing. last time i was in bed with her (and tried to just spoon...not sex) she looked at me and said i hate you touching me...dont touch me....yes totally know how that feels to be destroyed mentally...i would love to chat with you...to help you... i also am lonely and desire convos, maybe touching etc if that progresses there.. my yahoo is carpenterjim65 is you wanna connect (i hope so) thanks,jim

Thanks for visiting, Jim, and I'm sorry that you also have a similar situation.
Actually, I am not here for "meeting up" with anyone, but I'm sure you will not be alone long on EP.

that was very sweet. i would always like to be your friend...i have so much empathy for what you have said..xoxo jim

Hi carissimi,
Wow as I read your story tears were rolling down my eyes it was like reading my own sad story! You have inspired me to learn to let go of my husband as he clearly no longer wants to be with me. I just don't know what to do anymore I've been married 9 years and have 2 kids and I'm pregnant I feel soon alone! Hope I can talk with you soon I need lots of hugs right now! I could use many hugs at the moment.

I'm sorry to hear this. Being pregnant, and having two children presents it's own problems in getting away from a situation like this. Please feel free to send me a message, if you want to talk.

Hi! again,
I so need to talk to someone i feel so alone! I dont know what to do, I am so scared because I just sent my husband an email saying that maybe our marriage is over and maybe i shouldnt have done that, but last night he came with so much rage in his eyes just looked like he hated me so much and started calling me names bad ones! so i told him in my email I am no longer going to take this from you, I think he hates me, I feel he is in love with someone else and i dont know what to do please help me I have noone to turn to.

i would be your friend..feel free to call me i will mail you with my phone number..also online later as carpenterjim65...i will be here for you.

feel free to call me my number is 765-346-0507 if your serious and not playing me

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I'm hear. I will hug you. Hugs are free. And they are self affirming. Any time. You want a hug? I have as much hug as you want for you.

I used to ask my husband to please pretend that he liked me and give me a hug. Pathetic, right? Now, we are divorced. I left. He lives with someone else and is still mad that I divorced him. Crazy, right? Yep, and now I am free of the craziness and King Crazy, lol. I hope you find your way and your journey is peaceful. Love, however gotten, is wonderful and fulfilling.

Here is a big giant HUG for you!!!!! HUGS!!!!!!

I have studied some things and found that men such as your husband, and mine, will always blame their partner for everything. There is no way out of this situation, and people with a dismissive attachment style can never be pleased with anything you do for them. They can change, but the likelihood of this is very remote, and would take tremendous effort on their part. Plus they must want to change, and dismissive types don't believe there is anything wrong with them...it's their partner that is the problem.
It's good you got out of it. Best wishes.

Thank you for the hug, and your comments.

I suspected something like this existed but didn't name it. Always suspecting as You described it, now at least knowing.

Thank You !

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Wishing you the best of luck and the best life has for you.<br />
<br />
take care,Waymor

Thank you. You too.

When I have my lonely moments, I turn to my dogs too... Their the best in always making me feel better :)

It's good that you have them.

I so understand what you feel. Just a hug to you then! <br />
Maybe it would be a good idea to get small female dog, preferably from a shelter. <br />
My chihuahuas give me so much, I am so thankful to have been able to adopt them. <br />
I love them to bits!<br />
My first chi was so kind and loving, like the ones I have now to, but as she was the only one I had she could come anywher with me. Literally EVERYWHERE! <br />
They snuggle up in a soft handbag!<br />
This race of dogs enjoy being with you all over the place. What counts is that you are with them! And they are soooo cute too. I'm sure you will love yours too. <br />
No, not all chichis are agressive, nor possesive. I do precisely state that a female is quieter and more loving, less dominant or not at all than a male.<br />
Great that you are over your husband. <br />
Good luck, hugs!

Thank you. It is not practical for me to have a dog at this time. Not fair to the dog or me, when so much is up in the air. When I am settled, I will probably go ahead and have another. I do miss mine, and the comfort they gave me.

Hello Hon. Welcome to my world!

I can relate seeking comfort in your dogs. I have an amazing little pup and I would be a total wreck without her. Why did you not get another dog?<br />
I'm glad to hear that you are doing better now. I hope I can say the same one day.

Thanks for your comment, and I am so glad that you have your puppy to give you comfort. It's a long story of why I do not have another dog, but one reason is that I am entering a transition period of my life, and I don't know what the future holds or where I will be. It would not be fair to the puppy or me to bring one into my life now. I need to be settled, and know what's what, and taking care of me is what I need to do for now, although a puppy would bring me great comfort and joy, they are also a great responsibility. I will have another one day.

i love my wife and she says she loves me, but when i try to cuddle her it's always the same either she is too busy or it's the wrong time. i feel lost and frustrated. i long to hold her in bed but she is forever on her laptop and when she's finished she says it's to late. i just want us to hold each other before we go to sleep. as for sex, well it's the end of july and we have had only it twice this year.

I don't know the reason your wife is this way, but there is one thing I do know and it's this. "True love brings joy to both people. If it does not, then it is not true love." I use this as one of my litmus test now. Also, if someone loves you, they want to be around you. I'm sorry this is the way it is for you. It is extremely painful, but you already know the truth. I truly believe we know the truth, but we want to deny it, and ignore it because we live in hope that things will change, and the truth is too painful to bear. Best to you.

Good for you. It took me 6 years to get over the need for a hug from "him". Sadly to say along with that was the respect I had for him for so many years, the desire to even be around him and I just don't care anymore. Did it damage me, yes, but it also made me stronger and more aware of what "I" need and want. Do not make someone your priorty when they make you their option.

I understand. It took me a lot longer than a few months....20-years...but from October 2011- January 2012, it died completely, so I no longer hurt from not receiving hugs from him...if fact...I would be repulsed by it. I do miss hugs from a special person in my life, but it is what it is. I wish you the best in your future.

I understand your situation completely.

Thank you. I appreciate your understanding. I wrote this story back in October 2011, and I'm glad to say that I am well over this person, and no longer require or desire a hug from him.

I have to ask what happen in your marriage that he stop showing you affection?? Could it be that you spent more time loving your dogs that he just gave up on you? I have seen that happen before and to stand there and watch so much love go to a dog but can't relate to a person is a hard thing to watch! Maybe you can start treating him as you did your dogs and see if you don't start getting back some of that love that is missing!

Someone must have hurt you badly, or someone you know, to have made a comment like that. I sincerely hope you can get past it one day. However, it all started before we had even one dog. I said they were my comfort not my partners. This story is now moot.

Hug and love to you.

Thank you for your kindness.

I don't want to fight you, thanks for making me think - being a messenger on my journey!!!<br />
<br />
I hope you find peace and much Love from friends who really care... Sincere Love will always be enough...<br />
<br />
The woman I was talking about; due to always seeking love outside her marriage... Hurt me... And now I know why she is in so much PAIN...seeking relationships outside her marriage...she makes me sad, she used me just like she uses her husband...but unlike exploiting him financially she exploited me emotionally... For that emotional NEED she lacked in her marriage... I just wanted to know why!<br />
<br />
Thanks!

And because of your hurt, your perception of others is skewed. You lump everyone in together just because they may share one or two similarities to your own experience, but their circumstances and motives may be completely different. I do understand where you are coming from. This was very painful for you, and I'm glad that it may give you a different perspective. Whatever suffering you have left, I truly hope healing takes place in your heart.

<p>&nbsp;<br />
<br />
"Oh God help me. As I said, you are making assumptions for my actions ba<x>sed on a condensed story of 20-years that can not possible cover all the factors that went into my decisions to stay. Whatever...think what you like...."<br />
<br />
If you were unhappy then why did you stay then for any other reason than survival?<br />
<br />
Like the other woman I was talking about - if she wants to go and visit her children in England; her huband pays for her Flight ticket... If she wants money for clothes or any other greater luxury he supports her... And each time she returns back to him, which I don't get, why didn't she just ran away and stayed in Europe? Her Husband's material support is comfortable to her; don't you see?! She uses him, if she is really as unhappy as she says and pretends to be, then why doesn't she just leave him, why exploit him financially?<br />
<br />
I don't say you abuse your husband financially; but that woman is doing it if she really hates him and only likes the money and home he provides...she took him because she knew he is a softy and would never leave her and/or take anyone else. And he takes all her s*h*i*t...why didn't he leave her? Maybe he loves her and his children too much!

Your Husband might not be a doctor or anything high up in society... But you do stay with him for the sake of money and survival.<br />
<br />
I know a woman just your age or almost your age; she turned 60 this year... She married a doctor, and your story made me think and wonder why she is so UNHAPPY with him; always seeking LOVE from other people outside of her marriage; and not from him.<br />
<br />
She has all the money and status; what else could she possibly ask for, when she has everything - a great husband; four kids; a great house... Etc. A man that provided for her and her kids...even cooked for the kids; braided their hair when she was out touring Europe playing the Mommy role.<br />
<br />
I want to know why she is so sad with him, and why she ran away from him all those years...<br />
<br />
I guess you answered my answered my question, thank you!

You said something about being with your husband just for financial reasons... Whether you married him for that or not; you stayed with him for that very reason despite your unhappiness and lack of LOVE you cry about on here.

Oh God help me. As I said, you are making assumptions for my actions based on a condensed story of 20-years that can not possible cover all the factors that went into my decisions to stay. Whatever...think what you like....

I don't judge you; I feel sorry for you... I just wish to understand the world; and don't want to repeat the mistakes of my female predecessors. In fact I am angry at any man who takes a woman who he does not really Love. You are judging me because I am speaking wisdom you don't want to hear. So be it. But thanks for your story; that will make me think twice before marrying a man that I don't really Love; a man that won't really love me as well...because without true Love; there will be nothing in the end, like between you and your husband... If I marry a man for the wrong reasons such as status and money, not for Love; I'll end up being just as Bitter and lonely as you. So thanks for the warning!

I tell you what, why don't you go read my story, " I Accept Responsibility for...or whatever it's called. And as for true love...no one...and I mean no one...can predict if this is really true love or better still, an everlasting love. People change over the years. They make mistakes. They grow. They don't grow. As for the wisdom you speak, of course I know all this, but life is more complex than the simple way you portray it, as you will find out, no doubt. And, where you ever got the notion that I married my husband for money or status, well...I just don't know where that came from. You cannot judge 21-years on a story that can only tell a minute and condensed version of two decades.

I find it sad that people only stay with certain people only for the money and to survive... You are not the only one; I am actually intrigued by the ways of the world; how people would put materialism above LOVE... Material comfort above healing Peace. Selling their souls for a mere contract of mutual understanding - supporting each other materially just to eat or survive... And many times the man and woman only ABUSE each other for that very reason... They don't live together because they love each other; they just "exist" together as you put it because they must. But do you really? Why didn't you leave him long before knowing he didn't love you? As I said: for the sake of materialistic needs yes!? And your husband sounds like he doesn't care for anything more than just that himself - material comfort; a woman that works like a maid for him; doing his laundry, making his bed and food.<br />
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Yes I may be young; but that does not make me blind to the stupidity and irony of the sadness old people create for themselves out of their own ignorance... If he wasn't your true love; why did you marry him in the first place; why did he marry you if you weren't the love of his life? Why did you get married at all? Chances are that he is just as unhappy as you in your marriage to each other - if he doesn't love you and you don't love him; then there's just emptiness and bitterness between the two of you; nothing else!

Come back in 20-years when you have some life experience under your belt...and even then...try not to judge others when you have not walked in their shoes. That's all I can say. I have made my bed...

Why don't you just make the move? Jump on him, attack him and demand affection - bet he will be surprised!!! And if he doesn't comply take the wooden spoon out of the kitchen cupboard and spank his sorry arse into obedience. Love is about playing and having fun... If he can't initiate play then you should do it!!!! And if you don't want to force him, forget begging, then you aren't serious about getting what you need from him, like you said "you don't want him any more"... So why complain about wanting a hug from him if you don't even want him, then you are just fooling yourself... And making us feel sorry for you on here, wanting love from a man that YOU DO NOT WANT who does not give it to you?! Huh? Come on, be real man!<br />
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*scratches head*<br />
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Besides HE IS YOUR HUSBAND; you should not have to ask for any affection; YOU ARE ENTITLED TO IT; you do not ask; you demand, because he made a promise to give it to you whenever you need it when he took you as his wife. Yes WIFE, the TITLE you should own, he must be of service to you like you must be to him with regards to whatever is expected along the lines of marital duties!<br />
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You should talk to him; tell him, even scream at him, and if he does not listen then he is just a bastard; who took you for a fool and a ride when he asked you to marry him on that "fateful day". A man that does not listen to his wife's needs DOES NOT LOVE HER, and only loves himself. <br />
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If you tell him that; he would have to self-reflect... And think about his "sins"... As his wife you should make him spiritually grow and that includes challenging him.<br />
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PS: no one is ever too old to demand Love and to be Loved, you are beautiful okay, and if your Husband can't see it; it is his loss and love yourself instead... Show him how you can love yourself better than he loves himself; maybe he'll get jealous and want you more...when you are in love with yourself; he'll get intrigued and want to be Loved like that making a move to reclaim his position in your heart...he has to compete then with your love for yourself and your love for him; he'll want you to love him more than you love yourself.

I'm sorry lunivica, but I can only put your lack of understanding down to your youth. No offense, but you do not demand love and affection from anyone. No one has a right to love and affection. If it is not given freely, by God, you do not run after it, and it is not worth having from that person. You think screaming at a person makes him want you? No, it would repulse a man. I know because what do you think I've been doing for 20-years? yes, I have screamed. I have cried. I have begged. I have acted indifferent. I have acted sexy and yada yada yada. The only thing I can say to you, is go spend some time on the "I am in a sexless marriage," group. Read there stories for a few days, maybe you will get it then and maybe you won't because of your youth and lack of experience of life. Anyway, thanks for your comment, and, you are right about one thing. A person who does not care about their partner's needs does not love their partner.

can't u move in with a relative until you get on your feet?

Honey... this is something one post to "Craig'slist" can solve. Good Luck! It worked for me. : )

I am so sorry for you. It is so sad what becomes of marriage and our relationships that were once so solid and close. Bets of luck to you. Keep up your faith and try not to get your spirits too low. Sending you an enormously HUGE..LONG...TIGHT hug xo.