I Asked For A HugThis morning, the need to be held was so overwhelming, I didn't think I could bear it. I kept looking at my husband, wondering if I should ask for a hug. There is no physical contact between us for years, and it does my self esteem no good, when I have to ask my own husband to hold me...it's like begging.
Over the years as this need for physical contact was denied, I would take my solace in my pets. I sat on the floor with them, feeling incredibly lonely and in need of affection, and would just cry. The three dogs would crowd around me trying to get as close to me as possible and I would hold onto them. It was one big doggie group hug, and they would not leave me no matter how long I sat and cried. After about 15-20 minutes, I would start to feel better because those beautiful amazing animals had soothed my lonely heart, and they made me feel loved again.
My precious babies have all gone now, so the comfort I derived from them has also gone, so this is why I sometimes succumb to insanity and demean myself...tempted to "beg" for a hug from him.
I asked for one a few months ago, and surprisingly he gave me a great big bear hug, then we parted and that was that. A month or so later, I asked for another one. I got one, but this one was limp, as though it was a bother to him. We parted, and I felt worse. So today, desperation for physical contact struck again. I asked him would it be too distasteful for him to hug me. He said, "of course not." He hugged me. It was not limp and it was not a bear hug...somewhere in-between...then we parted.
I don't want my husband anymore....the pain of 20-years kills the desire for a person, but I can't go around asking strange men for a hug, or even the neighbors husbands...somehow I think they would get the wrong idea, so all I'm left with is him.
I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone.
*Update: I am no longer married.*