Post

I Asked For A Hug

This morning, the need to be held was so overwhelming, I didn't think I could bear it. I kept looking at my husband, wondering if I should ask for a hug. There is no physical contact between us for years, and it does my self esteem no good, when I have to ask my own husband to hold me...it's like begging.
Over the years as this need for physical contact was denied, I would take my solace in my pets. I sat on the floor with them, feeling incredibly lonely and in need of affection, and would just cry. The three dogs would crowd around me trying to get as close to me as possible and I would hold onto them. It was one big doggie group hug, and they would not leave me no matter how long I sat and cried. After about 15-20 minutes, I would start to feel better because those beautiful amazing animals had soothed my lonely heart, and they made me feel loved again.
My precious babies have all gone now, so the comfort I derived from them has also gone, so this is why I sometimes succumb to insanity and demean myself...tempted to "beg" for a hug from him.
I asked for one a few months ago, and surprisingly he gave me a great big bear hug, then we parted and that was that. A month or so later, I asked for another one. I got one, but this one was limp, as though it was a bother to him. We parted, and I felt worse. So today, desperation for physical contact struck again. I asked him would it be too distasteful for him to hug me. He said, "of course not." He hugged me. It was not limp and it was not a bear hug...somewhere in-between...then we parted.
I don't want my husband anymore....the pain of 20-years kills the desire for a person, but I can't go around asking strange men for a hug, or even the neighbors husbands...somehow I think they would get the wrong idea, so all I'm left with is him. 
I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone. 



Carissimi Carissimi 56-60, F 98 Responses Oct 18, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

I know the feeling well. That is how I am treated.

How does a 67 year old woman in a 44 year marriage start over?I am so lonely that I feel like I will burst into tears at any time. My husband has no desire for any physical intimacy and has not had any for the majority of our marriage. Even in the early years of our marriage, sex was very sporadic and has been totally non existent for the last twenty. I have often told him how sad and lonely this makes me feel and he agrees that I deserve better, but has never made any attempt to find out why he is this way. He has always been a good provider and a great father, but I really feel like I have settled for all these years. Now at my age, I think about living the rest of my life like this, and think that maybe it's time to focus on me, but I don't know how.

I truly understand your predicament, and your sadness. How do you start over at the age of 67? Very good question. I am working on that myself, and I am not yet 60, though hurtling toward it. The first thing I would ask yourself is do you have financial independence apart from your husband? You don't have to answer that here, but it does help...a lot...with the practical side of life. Are you retired or still working? Again, questions for yourself. Now, I'm not saying that you can't start over, if you don't have these, it's just that it will make your practical life easier. Emotions and dealing with the separation, and your own lifestyle of 44-years is another thing all together. It can be done. You can do it, but I think it will be far from easy. I'm having a very hard time dealing with this part myself, but I expect to be on my own within a very short time. It's very hard to face. I really an not an authority to give you advice as I am just about to go through this process....actually the process has started...but maybe I will be more qualified to answer your question after I've done it myself.
My heart goes out to you. What can I say? I know the pain of it, even though mine was for half the time, but it is still pain. Please feel free to message me anytime. I'm not on EP as much these days, but I can look in once a day or so.
One thing...very important! YES! It is time to focus on you, and YOU ONLY. This is your life, and you have given it away, living in false hope, as I did. Hoping that he would change that things would change, but they never do with these withholders. If you live to be 100, the chances of him changing are very remote. You must now think about you, and put yourself first. Even if you do nothing at this point except start thinking in these terms that you must be your own priority. I am here if you need to speak. Bless you, stambrose. May you know love and peace. Namaste (Hugs)

Yes I feel that way for months my wife as deprived me of sex it's like she's ejecting me. I'm tempted to go off with another women who will fulfill my needs but then ill just be as bad as my wife I think? We have a son together now that's the only reason I don't walk out. It's not about talking to her she knows what she's doing. Every time I even go to massage her or even try to get close to her it's like she expects me to be nice to her in the day but when it comes to the night she's not even interested. It's doing my head in. And I can take no more rejection it's so horrible at night. I turn away and sleep rite on the end of the bed. It's coming to the point were I don't even want to stay in the same room as her. I don't know maybe it's me man I feel worthless and if some other women can make me happy. I feel like I'm
waiting years I can't go through with it no more. If there was someone out there that would understand me and want the same thing ill would be very tempted to do so. I hate feeling like this. I used to be a fitness fanatic but she hated that. Now I'm slowly getting back it it idled rather spend time in other people's company and gym time is like an elascape for it all i trained hard every day and miss it too. It's beta to hit the weights hard than to feel this way it's my solitude and get away it stops me from thinking of sex so i don't cheat on her even though she's the cheat in a way it feels like it why reject your man your husband it's breaking her vals of well my be in the next life I won't be as quick to marry or fall I love it sucks to point I feel like I want to new trust a girl again and just be on my own

Physical contact is so important, just that feeling of warmth that comes with physical closeness. It's a basic need for most of us; I don't understand why someone would withhold this. My situation and my feelings are similar...sometimes I wonder, is it me? I am the one who has to initiate physical contact..like you said, it is tough on the self esteem.

No it is not you. You are with a "withholder," someone who is emotionally unavailable to you. I'm sorry. Only you have the power to choose what to do. Your self esteem with wither much more as time goes by.

been over 2 years since you wrote this...have things changed? hope they have...

Nothing has changed except my divorce is almost final, so no hugs then nor since I wrote this story, two-years ago. Thanks for good wishes though.

awww I am sorry...well I know it may not mean too much but heres a virtual hug from me...:)

Thanks!

you are welcome! The profile page does not allow me to send a hug to you...so thats the only thing I can send you on here :)
take care...xxx

1 More Response

My husband has not kissed me for 22 years. He quit when I was pregnant for my second son. I had two more children after him. I blamed myself and tried to be perfect, a Donna reed clone, I did everything he wanted waited on him hand and foot, dressed the way he wanted , kept the house spotless and cried myself to sleep when he wouldn't kiss me tell me why or even discuss it. Five years ago I finished my marriage in my heart. I no longer desire his kisses and I will be leaving this summer when my youngest leaves for college. It isn't your fault it is his. You have to take care of you. You still have a future as do I and I can't wait. Take care of your health, get in shape, learn something new, make some friends or call up some old ones, think positive and set some new goals. I'm excited and terrified. But I want to live my life and pursue my dreams without his dampening shadow. Just the thought is exhilarating

I really miss hugs too. It's amazing how lack of some of the basics of human contact can really bring a person down.

Yes, it can. A human being going without physical contact and affection for a prolonged period just wilts in their soul.

I am sorry to hear you have this pain too. I have no advice only empathy.
My wife does not touch me voluntarily. She now says I give her a guilt trip when I ask for affection.
I hope you can kind what you need.

Thank you.

Why would you be alone if you left ? I am waiting for my youngest to graduate and then I'm leaving. My goal for the last five years is to finish raising my children. Once completed I am leaving to look for my happy place. I think the possibilities are infinite. I'm terrified but excited. The waiting is what's killing me

Why would I expect to walk into a relationship when I'm on my own. I'm not one of these people who falls in love at the drop of a hat, and just because I've had no physical contact for years, and long for it, does not mean I'll accept just anyone that comes along. I may be lonely, but I'm not desperate.

That is so sad. My wife doesn't want me, so I understand the pain. I would give you an honest heartfelt hug, just because. I am a big ole Teddy bear.

Omg that sounds exactly like my story. Many,many years of NO sex,no cuddling, no massaging. Yet he says he loves me and wants no one else. I'm not sure what's up. For many years I thought he might be gay. I've had dreams of meeting some wonderful man that would adore me AND desire me but I don't think I could cheat. Yet I don't think I could ever leave him unless there was someone else in the picture. How insecure does that sound. And yet I really am a very secure and confident person. Maybe not in this department anymore...What should we do?

Is there actually anything to cheat on. I do not advocate cheating at all, but when your so called lover never loves you, as in makes love to you, and it goes on and on, and years pass, to me it is not cheating because he is cheating you out of love. Just keeps you hanging on. I hope you don't lose 23-years like I did hanging on.

all of these's things >>> I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone. well except the him part .I need as bad as u do carrissimi & some

That's why I stay, I would still be alone. It's better to be lonesome in company. *sobssilently*

Yes, it can be difficult to choose which lonely it's going to be. However, we know the lonely of living with this person and the misery it causes us, and this will be the rest of our life. We could chance the alone lonely, but knowing that it may bring new opportunities for happiness. May not, but we still have a chance for it. Staying, there is no chance.

So sad to read your experience. I find most humans cruel, selfish and totally unreliable. Even if they seem so once or twice, soon enough they can turn their back on you. Domestic animals are by far the most reliable and loving beings on earth. Do try to get yourself another pet. Hugs from me though too! Take care.

I agree with you. I think animals are the only sincere and loyal creatures left on the planet.

Wow, this breaks my heart to hear. For now my husband likes to play and joke around a little too much for me. Then i stop and think how it felt when he cheted on me and showed that attention to someone else. I have his attention now, jut dont know for how long. He got me a dog and she is as great companion. Cps took my kids because of my husband's stupidity. That hurts so much because i cant pour my love onto them. I sure hope God breaks this cruel circle you are in. Your husband will have to answer to God for his cruelty towards you.

Carissmi takes even a passing comment as a personal attack. I think that says something right there.

:) Have a nice day, dear. Try and be sweet.

Dear Carissimi, I was very heartbroken wen I read ur story. I understand how u feel. I read all your comments and I realised u hv an understanding of what true love is, ur matured in mind (I dnt know ur age) and u have a good heart. I know u love ur husband (even though u feel u don't and maybe divorcing); atleast u once loved him and got married with him. Like I said before, u have a matured mind, now make use of it. U have to know ur husband loves u and there is a reason behind his actions. Ask urself some questions like, When did ur husband disconnect from you? Can u figure out why? Is there something ur doing wrong or is it jst his problem? Is he seeing someone else? Was there something u do before which u stopped doing hence d disconnection? I believe there must be a problem somewhere Carissimi, u need to figure it out and tackle it. Dialogue with him and solve the problem. Don't divorce him, its not God's will and it will not solve the problem.

Thanks dear, but all these questions have been asked 20-years ago. It's over.

Are u remarried now?

@Carissimi I can truly relate to what ur dealing with and I chose to walk away divorce papers filled out but not filed...although we may come together for financial reasons ONLY!! I understand the reason @Pearltwinybibi is against divorce but in reality I don't believe for a moment God wants us to be miserable. Unless your husband is picking up the slack in other areas of ur marriage and u can live with the lack of intimacy and affectionate then by all means consider staying married. Your happiness and peace of mind is just as important.

Lot of Hugs :)
I hope there is someone who is willing to give all the hugs for you :)

Thank you. No, there is nobody to give me hugs. The last one, if you can even count it was when I wrote this story. Physical touch would seem alien to me now. It's been 20 odd years, and as much as I need/want it, the reality of someone actually holding me would seem strange. Even I can see the damage this neglect has done to me. Pretty sad...for me.

I know your feelings...I do pray that you have someone :)

That is heart breaking.

Sad, yes, but the hardest years are behind me now. I've become a recluse and left life behind. I only exist now, but it is what it is.

Huge big bear hug for you!

Thanks for your story....you are not alone.

Sending you 1billion HUGS.

Thank you. :)

Welcome.:-):-)

Something tells me what ever type of hug he gave you, it wouldn't have been good enough.

I\'m truly sorry for your pain. It\'s obvious you are in great pain to have such judgement of someone you don\'t know, and have no inside knowledge of circumstances. I hope you find forgiveness in your heart so that you may heal.

Pain? Judgement? I was merely stating a hunch I had. But now that you say this, would there have been any hug that would have satisfied the moment?? What else was lacking from the big bear hug? Sometimes I feel as your husband must have that whatever I do it\'s not going to be good enough...but I guess that\'s al l\"water nuder the bridge\" now, you made you\'re decision to divorce it looks like. No time to try to right wrongs...apologies not accepted.

You are projecting your hate for your wife onto me. I\'m a stranger to you, and yet you have yourself convinced that I\'m bad like your wife. So be it. I don\'t take it personally, but this hatred of yours will destroy you.

So sorry for you that someone expresses such harshness to a basic staple of a positive relationship. Hugs and kisses are what make sex sweet. That a wife needs to beg for a hug is pretty bad. Some men, however, don\'t know or realize how their woman needs the hug, or they cannot detect when she needs them. If, though, the man cannot give a freaking hug after she asks for it, then there is something wrong, even bad, in him. You have my sympathies, and, for what it\'s worth, my virtual hug.

Thank you.

2 More Responses

I'm giving you a long distance mental hug...

I feel your pain...I honestly do...been that way for me for 38 freaking years...

Thank you, and sorry.

Remember that night at the drive in and the long kisses. And feeling places you had never felt before. I long for just one more kiss like that!!!! Probably will never happen. But just thought I would share

No, but whoever she was, she left you some nice memories.

What is the only solution of such issues, which is widespread across the world when either of one partner retracts emotionally(I think person is emotionally unavailable when he/she expresses it in their physical unavailability).I find that when we condition our mind to seek such moments of comfort in other activities like sharing love with pets,underprivileged,and other community services gives us the opportunity to understand the real difference between love and attachment.Yes we are so attached to our desire of being embraced as a needy individual who otherwise wither into pieces of disappointments and sorrows.

Once we taste the real meaning of love which has nothing to do with reciprocation i guess,we no longer cry over spilled milk.But again the main question is :Are we really ready to experience that true love? or we just want to keep on repeating the age old misconceived notion of "Love" which is misleading.

I can't agree with your assessment of love. It is not needy to expect and need love. This whole of existence is based on interconnected was and balance. The best way I can define what love is, is this: " a young boy asked a wise man is it better to love or be loved? The wise man answered, is it better for a bird to fly with its right wing or it's left? Love can take different forms to be sure, but it is a wrong notion to say, it's only about giving and never expecting. Many of us give without expecting, but in a couple relationship, in a parental relationship, a family relationship, and even friendship, to only give love and never receive love...only a cold heart or the ignorant can believe this. To live without affection, kindness, touch, again, only a cold heart could expect this. With all due respect, dear.

You're entitled to your opinion and I respect that.I've not said that I practice this notion but I feel perhaps this is the only solution.Who knows that down the line I may come up with better solution and understanding on this.With this,I wish you all peace and happiness.

Carlissimi, you've a very good point in that relationships such as marriage and friendship are usually expected to be give and take in the matter of love. It is also true that there is love at our core which requires absolutely nothing from anyone in order to exist and to keep giving. The trick, of course, is in being able to operate from that love and peace.

Yes, you are right, Nelladell. It depends on the context of love. "Love is always in the lover." This is the foundation of love, and we express it in many ways, kindness, generosity, understanding....even with strangers, animals, plants, the earth. This is the love that is at our core, and then there is the love of relationships, of which I think anya was speaking, and I responded that this kind of love....for the relationship to flourish has to be nourished by love from both sides. Thank you for your comment.

Anya, I wish you love, peace and light. Namaste

Note: I wrote this before I started my practice in Buddhism, which has brought me strength and a certain peace, but still we all need love.

Agree completely...it\'s like flowers...they require both sun AND water...give one without the other, the flower WILL wilt and die. You, like many of us, gave love, gave, gave, and gave...and never received...that \"wilts\" the spirit. I am an absolute empty shell of the man I was when I first married. Hope you get that which you desire...

I have let the desire for love go now, Midage. Life is what it is, and I accept. Still would be nice to have company at times, but I\'ll let it happen if it happens.

5 More Responses

This is truly heart breaking. Begging your spouse for a hug?? Hugs are meant to be warm, spontaneous, and a sign that we truly care for each other. I can see this story was written years ago. Have if things have improved since then? I sincerely hope so. (hugs)

Thank you. We are divorcing.

I understand what you are saying. Same for me, I live in the same house with my husband, sleep in the same bed, But feel like I am on my own. I can do more for him, ask less of him, does not seem to matter, no intimacy, no love, nothing. It is like we are room mates. When I am at work, he does nothing at the house to help, I am gone 50 hours a week, do 95% of the house work, all of the laundry, keep up with bill paying, do most of the cooking. I ask for help, says he will and then just does not do it. I stopped asking. I ask for affection or sex, none, but once in a great while on Sunday about 10pm he will be in the mood and I have to get up at 4am and work the next day. We have no children at home anymore. So what to do, suffer in silence ? Or guilt him ? Making him feel guilty only works for a short time, I no longer feel like I should have to Beg for affection or a little bit of his time. So what are we suppose to do?

Dear, I'm sorry this happened to you too. It's incredibly painful, and chips away at what little self esteem is left in such emotional and mental abuse. What to do? If after communicating how his behaviour and rejection hurts you, and he either does not care, or does not change, or attempts to change for a couple of weeks (usually they do this to keep you from leaving) or a short period of time, and then slips back to the same ways, then you see a pattern, and you can do one of two things: stay and just accept it, for whatever reason, and accept the misery of it, or go and make a fresh start. That's not easy for anyone, but really difficult the older we are, but still it's a choice we can make. What you don't realize is your happiness, your personal power is in your own hands, as is mine. It's up to us to choose. Best wishes, for love, joy, and peace in your life.

hallo. sorry about the situation. i hope God changes it sometime and you be happy with your better half because you deserve it nomatter the past. marriages are hard so i hope this helps www.cbn.com/family/marriage/

I feel very sorrow for you. Because I know about panic of loneliness. I think it is one kind of torture.

I have learned to live with loneliness.

I understand. I give my wife a hug and she lets me, but I either get a pat on the back during the act or nothing. When I kiss her I do with passion in my heart, but I may as well be kissing the bed post. I often jump in the shower with her and she lets me wash her, but the whole time she is washing her hair or shaving her legs. I tell her I love her when I leave for work and all I get is, "Have a good night." It's frustrating as hell.

Wow. I felt like I was alone with that kind of stuff. Keep trying.

Seems to be plenty of us out there.

What a lonely life. You brought tears to my eyes. My mil feels so good when we visit her and give her a hug. Her husband was the same, no physical contact because he had huge issues, was in Russian captivity and since very shy and withdrawn.Does it have to be the hug of a man? You could volunteer in a children's home or in a retirement home if you have enough sparetime.