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I Asked For A Hug

This morning, the need to be held was so overwhelming, I didn't think I could bear it. I kept looking at my husband, wondering if I should ask for a hug. There is no physical contact between us for years, and it does my self esteem no good, when I have to ask my own husband to hold's like begging.
Over the years as this need for physical contact was denied, I would take my solace in my pets. I sat on the floor with them, feeling incredibly lonely and in need of affection, and would just cry. The three dogs would crowd around me trying to get as close to me as possible and I would hold onto them. It was one big doggie group hug, and they would not leave me no matter how long I sat and cried. After about 15-20 minutes, I would start to feel better because those beautiful amazing animals had soothed my lonely heart, and they made me feel loved again.
My precious babies have all gone now, so the comfort I derived from them has also gone, so this is why I sometimes succumb to insanity and demean myself...tempted to "beg" for a hug from him.
I asked for one a few months ago, and surprisingly he gave me a great big bear hug, then we parted and that was that. A month or so later, I asked for another one. I got one, but this one was limp, as though it was a bother to him. We parted, and I felt worse. So today, desperation for physical contact struck again. I asked him would it be too distasteful for him to hug me. He said, "of course not." He hugged me. It was not limp and it was not a bear hug...somewhere in-between...then we parted.
I don't want my husband anymore....the pain of 20-years kills the desire for a person, but I can't go around asking strange men for a hug, or even the neighbors husbands...somehow I think they would get the wrong idea, so all I'm left with is him. 
I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone. 
*Update: I am no longer married.*

Carissimi Carissimi 56-60, F 107 Responses Oct 18, 2011

Your Response


That was so incredibly sad and painful to read. I guess the reason was the same thing happened to me, and although, just like you, I'm divorced now, your prediction came true for me. I'm still lonely. There are days it hurts so badly.

I'm really sorry. Loneliness is a terrible pain. Some days I feel okay, and others are incredibly lonely. I think we just have to find what works for us to get us through those times. Peace & Love.

want some company? can you add me?:)

I relate!! Great story. Will you add me?

Your never alone: Here you go, I will give you a long, long hugs. I know about this also. I'm going through some now. The hugs were not the same, just why is it so hard for someone that loves you to give what you need. Why what's wrong!

I don't think they really love you if they neglect you and see you suffering from it. That's not love.

I can relate to this. Has things gotten any better? How long have you been married?

I think that question was for me, but your story is very sad. You should put it in a story on your own profile. More people will see it than here in a comment.

That was not me that said "much worse," seems someone was answering for me in their own comment. I can't really say how it is for me. In some way, I am much better off, in others much worse off. I'll know better once I'm actually on my own.

I know how you feel, I was married for 30 years to a woman that I ended up room mates with. She had no need for affection.

So I divorced at 55, now what? Dating? I found a friend a few doors down the street from me. She went through a horrible divorce and is not ready for a full time relationship.

We have become friends with benefits, we spend a night or two together for the hugging and kissing we were missing, And yes sometimes we have sex.

She's 20 years younger than I. Makes us both feel alittle younger.

I'm glad you found someone, for some touch and affection, at least. I am still without both, and now divorced, but like you said, what is left - dating? I really don't want to get on that merry-go-round again. It's been 25-years since I last dated, and that was my ex. I guess at my age, a woman remains alone. There are not many men out there anyway who are available, and those who are seem to prefer much younger women if they can get make a good case for that.

To me, you are a younger woman, And probably would loved to have met you after my divorce. Dating?? I really never got back into that. I don't care for the bar scene so I was a hermit for awhile.

I was 65 when I met Louise. It was one of those my mower won't start, can you take a look? It was simple, all I expected was a thanks. But she offered lunch and that's how it started.

We were at a function with some friends and one of her girl friends asked about me? Later Louise told me that she had mentioned to her friend that had never envisioned sleeping with a older guy.

So never say never.

That's a nice story. Maybe I can find an 80- year old to fix my lawn mower. ;)

Never say never. And I'd be happy to fix your mower.

:) I don't know any 80- year olds. In fact I don't know any men of any age. Maybe I should volunteer at the senior center. ;) I'm joking.

It's your profile. It's all about nakedness and sex. You seem like a nice guy, but I would be breaking my own rule about profiles.

Can I add you to my circle?? I always ask.

You can add me, sure. I just can't reciprocate.

Ok, I understand. Yes, I've been a nudist since childhood. I think there's only one story that had anything to do with sex.

I understand never the less.

I disagree about the part that there aren't available men for a woman your age. Personally, I would prefer one closer to my age. Much more to relate to than a younger model. IMHO

I don't want a younger man either. I suppose I could say 50 +. I don't mind if he's 80 or 90 as long as we are attracted to one another and have a rapport and things in common. I'm not actually looking, but I still don't think there are many out there. Why do you think otherwise?

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I have been 7 years with a sexless marriage ! I'm no longer begging her for an inetraction, if she doesn't feel like, doing it anymore...What can I do !!
I don't know if it's a good reason to move on n get divorce but I'm getting really nervous especially on those holidays.....

If you are going to do it, do it while you still have some youth. The older you get, the harder it gets, once you leave, and the chances of finding someone new for love, affection etc diminishes with age.

i Like ur comment , I don't know how this will end, I don't know how long could I stay like that !.....

Seems like if you're no longer married then at least you don't have to look at him day after day wondering and hoping.

You're free to go find your hug without him being there like a leaden weight pulling you down.

Go live dear lady - spread your wings and fly.

If you get to read this I do understand where you are - due to my wife's ill health I'm there as well.

It's not a happy life.

Now that I'm on my laptop, I can see responses. They need to fix the phone app so one does not have to scroll though hundreds of messages to get to the recent ones. I'm really sorry about your wife and your circumstances. No, it's not a happy life. Was or is your wife kind to you though? Does she care for you?

She has severe anxiety and has pretty much shut down. I'm afraid she's just a shell of the girl I married 40 years ago.

It's what it is....

Yes it is, yet still it is sad. May you find continued strength to cope, and have light and love enter your life.

Thankyou....I have no intention of leaving her but at the same time I so miss the touch and intimacy of years ago.

I do outsource occasionallý but it just relieves the tension for a little while.

I do understand where you are coming from and admire your strength - maybe one day the clouds will lift.

Maybe. Thank you.

Thank you, but finding a hug is not that simple. I've been divorced for 9-months now, and still have no hug. Haven't had one in many years not counting the limp one's I wrote about, which made me feel worse. I have to accept at this age that this is it, and I have accepted it. More than anything, I would just like to take a walk holding a male hand and sharing intelligent conversation and good company. But how I get that I have no idea other than joining a dating site, and I really don't want to go that route.

Just getting out and about, joining groups you are interested in, meeting's a start anyway.

You're not in the grave yet you know...

Sorry. I think I posted this in the wrong box. It was in response to a recent poster. However, as I'm here I'll respond to your response. :) There are no groups here that interest me. My former groups were full of clubs etc. I would not join a group just to meet men, I would join because I have an interest in the group. I know I'm not in the grave yet, but I am realistic enough to know what's what at this age. I've accepted it.

I wasn't suggesting you run around like a desperate cougar......but don't surrender either.

From what I've seen of you, you've got a lot going for you.

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Here, have a big Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggg from me xx

Thank you. :)

Get another dog they are true friends

Well reading to the end it appears you took action. I hope you are now getting what you desired and left for.

No. Divorce does not guarantee anything. It's all very complicated, but thank you for your wishes.

thank you for sharing

Add a response...

I know this is an older post, but wow, it hit the nail on the head. I am experiencing this tonight with my husband and have for a long while now. I keep wondering how much a hug would cost---a genuine one, one that means, "I'm here for you, I'm your husband, your protector." Sadly, he can see my eyes flood with tears and respond with a, "Dry it up" and no hug, of course. I wonder how many people stick it out because of habit and when is it too much. I pray you have found comfort, happiness, and most of all love and hugs---I believe we all deserve that and it's sad when our husbands, the ones we married and thought would provide that just would rather deny it.

It's really cruel, isn't it? I'm really sorry for your situation. I know it well. No. I have not found love, or even had a hug since I wrote this. I am still hug-less, and that is how it is.

I hope you found some one to hold you by now. I'm 43 I've been with my husband 19 years. I'm so lonely I too get no affection. I cry a lot and sadness consumes me. At night when he sleeps I take his hand and put it on my cheeks to pretend he loves me. I have dreams sometimes that I am loved and then I wake up to find him blank and empty. I don't understand I have a big heart I could be happy easily. He even ignores me most every day. I have a puppy who gladly observes my tears, takes walks on the beach and listens to my feelings. I actually Google if love is a real thing. I'd so love to be noticed and to fee like I matter. Last week I received news that my father had went on life support after chemo. I sat up in tears alone while my husband slept the night away. Tomorrow I with face another lonely day as if I were nothing, no one and still I will have no hug no smile no kiss. Nothing.

Get out! Don't stay with a cold heart. You are still young, and can find someone who can give you the love you so need. I stayed too long. Don't do that. I feel so sad for you. No, I have no one. I am old now and chances are very slim at this age, so this is why I tell you to leave now while you still have a chance at happiness.

I'm going through this now. Been in the relationship for 2 and a half years and early on I fulfilled my need for affection with my dog and my best friend. She had been with me through a lot and I got a lot of comfort from her. But then this relationship progressed and I was forced to choose to either move in and progress in the relationship and give up my dog because he didn't want her to come. Or give up the relationship for my dog. I chose the human relationship since a family member could take the dog and I knew she would be loved. But I made a HUGE mistake. my boyfriend is not affectionate at all. That didn't matter as much when I could go home to my dog. But now, living here without the dog and without any affection, I'm dying inside. I cry all the time. I asked once if he could just hug me one time a day. He never answered and never did it, so I took it as a no. To be fair, he told me he was like this and I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I found myself without anyone to hug. Not even my dog. I'm ready to leave and I see from other's experiences that maybe I should go while it's still fairly new.

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I've read most of the post. The whole time I'm thinking, I wasn't alone in this. I'm a person that needs those hugs and kisses. It did come to a point with me that I could no longer stand to have him even look at me. My grandchildren were my source of hugs. Still, I knew I had to leave. I was looking for full time work when my adult son was found with cancer. Not married, someone would have to care for him. Much happened during this time, and the divorce was one of the results--it came way before I was ready. When I told my husband how I felt, he kicked me out of the house. Anyhow, it is 4 years after my son's cancer, 3 years after the divorce, and 1 year since my son died. The need for the physical touch drove me nuts in those years, knowing I was free to go do as I pleased. I was in so much need that it created pain. It was an overload.

Two years ago, I met a man who had gone through the loss of a wife to cancer seven years before I met him. He helped me through much. We are still together but he doesn't understand this underlying necessity for me to be intimate. I kept thinking something was wrong with me. Just recently I realized, I need the intimacy to "know" I am loved and needed. Tonight I attempted to explain it to him, describing the awful experiment done with orphan children during one of the World Wars--can't remember the name of the experiment. Most of those children died from lack of affection. I do shut down if affection isn't given. I'm also a giver of affection and have learned to curtail it because most people are not very receptive. Right now, my fiance' acts as if giving me a hug is a chore, and when I insist on a squeeze or him running my shoulder, arm, something when giving me a hug, he insist "YOU always want more." It is painful. I find myself wondering if it is me.

In my short time of being single (I was married 32 years, 20 of those years had little touching, the last 4 to 5 was down to about nothing, the last 3, as I was told, caused physical pain), the affection shown immediately is to rope me in and then go to "don't touch me." My fiance touches me when the urge hits him: pull my hair, a quick kiss, slap of my rump, something simple and quick but never lasting more than a few seconds. I don't want to "start all over again." The difference between then and now is my fiance doesn't hide in the house and go nowhere--he's not a hermit, and he talks to me, watches movies, has philosophical discussions, and still helps me through the grieving but without holding me. He is different from my ex but I feel like I'm back where I was with the affection. At least he hasn't denied me rubbing or scratching his back, petting him and such when I need to really touch. I know he enjoys it, and I'm glad he does. I just want the same in return.

Yes, I want to have sexual intimacy with him. He has completely shut that off. His back is the cause of that. A part of me wants to walk away but it isn't anywhere like what I left--no talking, all TV watching, no leaving the house--not even for family gatherings. With my fiance I even have someone who believes in God the way I see God--not all this religious mumbo jumbo of "we are right, there is no other way to believe." We started this relationship as an open relationship, knowing that there were things he liked that I wouldn't do, and the same for him. Now, I don't even have that outside touching because he feels threatened with the relationship being open. To find another man that speaks to me as if I'm worthy to be spoken to and share things intellectually as we do, even God, and theorize about every thing, would be terribly hard, and I do not want to begin the process again.

Wish there were answers. At least I know there are others out there suffering as well.


How does a 67 year old woman in a 44 year marriage start over?I am so lonely that I feel like I will burst into tears at any time. My husband has no desire for any physical intimacy and has not had any for the majority of our marriage. Even in the early years of our marriage, sex was very sporadic and has been totally non existent for the last twenty. I have often told him how sad and lonely this makes me feel and he agrees that I deserve better, but has never made any attempt to find out why he is this way. He has always been a good provider and a great father, but I really feel like I have settled for all these years. Now at my age, I think about living the rest of my life like this, and think that maybe it's time to focus on me, but I don't know how.

I truly understand your predicament, and your sadness. How do you start over at the age of 67? Very good question. I am working on that myself, and I am not yet 60, though hurtling toward it. The first thing I would ask yourself is do you have financial independence apart from your husband? You don't have to answer that here, but it does help...a lot...with the practical side of life. Are you retired or still working? Again, questions for yourself. Now, I'm not saying that you can't start over, if you don't have these, it's just that it will make your practical life easier. Emotions and dealing with the separation, and your own lifestyle of 44-years is another thing all together. It can be done. You can do it, but I think it will be far from easy. I'm having a very hard time dealing with this part myself, but I expect to be on my own within a very short time. It's very hard to face. I really an not an authority to give you advice as I am just about to go through this process....actually the process has started...but maybe I will be more qualified to answer your question after I've done it myself.
My heart goes out to you. What can I say? I know the pain of it, even though mine was for half the time, but it is still pain. Please feel free to message me anytime. I'm not on EP as much these days, but I can look in once a day or so.
One thing...very important! YES! It is time to focus on you, and YOU ONLY. This is your life, and you have given it away, living in false hope, as I did. Hoping that he would change that things would change, but they never do with these withholders. If you live to be 100, the chances of him changing are very remote. You must now think about you, and put yourself first. Even if you do nothing at this point except start thinking in these terms that you must be your own priority. I am here if you need to speak. Bless you, stambrose. May you know love and peace. Namaste (Hugs)

Yes I feel that way for months my wife as deprived me of sex it's like she's ejecting me. I'm tempted to go off with another women who will fulfill my needs but then ill just be as bad as my wife I think? We have a son together now that's the only reason I don't walk out. It's not about talking to her she knows what she's doing. Every time I even go to massage her or even try to get close to her it's like she expects me to be nice to her in the day but when it comes to the night she's not even interested. It's doing my head in. And I can take no more rejection it's so horrible at night. I turn away and sleep rite on the end of the bed. It's coming to the point were I don't even want to stay in the same room as her. I don't know maybe it's me man I feel worthless and if some other women can make me happy. I feel like I'm
waiting years I can't go through with it no more. If there was someone out there that would understand me and want the same thing ill would be very tempted to do so. I hate feeling like this. I used to be a fitness fanatic but she hated that. Now I'm slowly getting back it it idled rather spend time in other people's company and gym time is like an elascape for it all i trained hard every day and miss it too. It's beta to hit the weights hard than to feel this way it's my solitude and get away it stops me from thinking of sex so i don't cheat on her even though she's the cheat in a way it feels like it why reject your man your husband it's breaking her vals of well my be in the next life I won't be as quick to marry or fall I love it sucks to point I feel like I want to new trust a girl again and just be on my own

Physical contact is so important, just that feeling of warmth that comes with physical closeness. It's a basic need for most of us; I don't understand why someone would withhold this. My situation and my feelings are similar...sometimes I wonder, is it me? I am the one who has to initiate physical you said, it is tough on the self esteem.

No it is not you. You are with a "withholder," someone who is emotionally unavailable to you. I'm sorry. Only you have the power to choose what to do. Your self esteem with wither much more as time goes by.

been over 2 years since you wrote this...have things changed? hope they have...

Nothing has changed except my divorce is almost final, so no hugs then nor since I wrote this story, two-years ago. Thanks for good wishes though.

awww I am sorry...well I know it may not mean too much but heres a virtual hug from me...:)


you are welcome! The profile page does not allow me to send a hug to thats the only thing I can send you on here :)

what finally compelled you to divorce and i wonder how he felt when you approached him with it........or i wonder if he had the same idea ?

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My husband has not kissed me for 22 years. He quit when I was pregnant for my second son. I had two more children after him. I blamed myself and tried to be perfect, a Donna reed clone, I did everything he wanted waited on him hand and foot, dressed the way he wanted , kept the house spotless and cried myself to sleep when he wouldn't kiss me tell me why or even discuss it. Five years ago I finished my marriage in my heart. I no longer desire his kisses and I will be leaving this summer when my youngest leaves for college. It isn't your fault it is his. You have to take care of you. You still have a future as do I and I can't wait. Take care of your health, get in shape, learn something new, make some friends or call up some old ones, think positive and set some new goals. I'm excited and terrified. But I want to live my life and pursue my dreams without his dampening shadow. Just the thought is exhilarating

I really miss hugs too. It's amazing how lack of some of the basics of human contact can really bring a person down.

Yes, it can. A human being going without physical contact and affection for a prolonged period just wilts in their soul.

I am sorry to hear you have this pain too. I have no advice only empathy.
My wife does not touch me voluntarily. She now says I give her a guilt trip when I ask for affection.
I hope you can kind what you need.

Thank you.

Why would you be alone if you left ? I am waiting for my youngest to graduate and then I'm leaving. My goal for the last five years is to finish raising my children. Once completed I am leaving to look for my happy place. I think the possibilities are infinite. I'm terrified but excited. The waiting is what's killing me

Why would I expect to walk into a relationship when I'm on my own. I'm not one of these people who falls in love at the drop of a hat, and just because I've had no physical contact for years, and long for it, does not mean I'll accept just anyone that comes along. I may be lonely, but I'm not desperate.

That is so sad. My wife doesn't want me, so I understand the pain. I would give you an honest heartfelt hug, just because. I am a big ole Teddy bear.

Omg that sounds exactly like my story. Many,many years of NO sex,no cuddling, no massaging. Yet he says he loves me and wants no one else. I'm not sure what's up. For many years I thought he might be gay. I've had dreams of meeting some wonderful man that would adore me AND desire me but I don't think I could cheat. Yet I don't think I could ever leave him unless there was someone else in the picture. How insecure does that sound. And yet I really am a very secure and confident person. Maybe not in this department anymore...What should we do?

Is there actually anything to cheat on. I do not advocate cheating at all, but when your so called lover never loves you, as in makes love to you, and it goes on and on, and years pass, to me it is not cheating because he is cheating you out of love. Just keeps you hanging on. I hope you don't lose 23-years like I did hanging on.

all of these's things >>> I need hugs. I need kisses. I need to make love, and even if I left him, I would still be alone. well except the him part .I need as bad as u do carrissimi & some

That's why I stay, I would still be alone. It's better to be lonesome in company. *sobssilently*

Yes, it can be difficult to choose which lonely it's going to be. However, we know the lonely of living with this person and the misery it causes us, and this will be the rest of our life. We could chance the alone lonely, but knowing that it may bring new opportunities for happiness. May not, but we still have a chance for it. Staying, there is no chance.

So sad to read your experience. I find most humans cruel, selfish and totally unreliable. Even if they seem so once or twice, soon enough they can turn their back on you. Domestic animals are by far the most reliable and loving beings on earth. Do try to get yourself another pet. Hugs from me though too! Take care.

I agree with you. I think animals are the only sincere and loyal creatures left on the planet.