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I Need You, But You're Not There

Yet another night of feeling alone. Why do I feel as though I love him more than he loves me? I just want to be touched and loved. I DON'T get him at all. Most men think I'm attractive, and plenty have told me they would love to be with me. He just seems to take me for granted...as though he's looking right through me. I understand we've been married over 20 years, but I've never desired anyone but him. Sometimes I wish I did or could. Him on the other hand....I don't know if he's had a physical relationship with another woman, but I do suspect it. I know he's sexted with a woman from work, and that they kissed. He admitted to the kiss. Everything else I found out on my own. He even told her he loved her....what a ****...YET he says he doesn't love her and never did. He was just having fun. It's always been me, and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be here. WTF?? I have never denied him sex....unless I was just dead dog sick. Are you kidding me...I take it when I can get it. I've always had an extremely strong sex drive, but not him. He doesn't have enough sex for me let alone another woman. That's why I never thought he'd fool around. Was I ever wrong! Oh...and he did the profiles on the married websites thing, too....a few years ago. Again...WTF?? I'm rambling I think, but it ****** me off that he said part of the reason was that he wasn't getting enough attention or feeling appreciation. AND he would like me to be more aggressive....After years of rejection sexually, I just quit trying to be aggressive. A girl can only take so much.

Why did he enjoy the sex talk with her and yet he doesn't with me? Am I not supposed to be a little slutty every now and then. It's fun when it's another woman, but not his wife, as if I'm held to a higher standard or something....

I would have loved for him to reach for me tonight. Ugh....this just sucks!

I AM SOOOOO CONFUSED!!!
trixnjinx trixnjinx 41-45, F 11 Responses Dec 14, 2011

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I'm taking back the power and holding all the cards. Feels damn good, too

Sounds like you've given him too much power. He's taking you for granted, knowing he can do what he wants. it's time to get out and play the field a little. He's in control now, but if you take the bull by the horns the balance of power will shift. You'll be in control. It will change the dynamics and he'll sit up and take notice. Then you can decide how you want it to go.

ok....in my opinion he is "bored" with you. <br />
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its not uncommon for men to do this. <br />
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boring sex is boring sex. <br />
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and men seek something exciting...or titillating. <br />
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and we women can also suffer from a desire for more.<br />
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just because you look attractive does not mean he still considers you attractive. <br />
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now my main point is this .....are you co dependent ? Does your self esteem depend on what this middle aged man thinks of you ?<br />
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C

I wish there was improvement also, but sadly...none. We did make it to our 22nd anniversary. I suppose that's an achievement in and of itself. Giving it a try one more time, but this is our LAST SHOT! I can't take much more, and I need more than he may be willing or able to give. I'll always be there for him no matter what, but I might just not be able to be his wife any longer if things don't improve. I've stayed because family is so important to me. I still have that picture in my head of growing old together and bouncing our grandbabies on our knees. Maybe I'm foolish....<br />
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I asked him to leave more than once, but he won't go.... He gets up the next morning, and acts like I never even said it. Or if it was his idea, after a night of misery for me, he acts like he never said he was leaving. It's like a merry-go-round of emotional turmoil. I'm soooooooo tired and drained.<br />
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Thank you for telling me I'm gorgeous, because I feel like nothing. I really have lost a lot of self-esteem. Gee thanks, soulmate and bestfriend for cheating on me. Does wonders.... Sometime I hope he chokes.... I really hope the adulterous ***** gets hit by an f'n train. See, I do have a feisty side :D

Wow, you deserve credit. I couldn't handle a marriage like that and you are absolutely gorgeous. One thing that never fails to blow my mind are the number of beautiful women in sexless or dead end marriages. I hope there's been some kind of improvement since this post.

I would reach for you :):)

Sorry for a delay in responding. Not that a response is required. <br />
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Sadly, your husband sounds confused. As he is getting older, sure he wants you to be aggressive because he can't? There is one thing to virtually interact and present yourself to others as with EP but use that ennergy to your wife's advantage. It's another for it to be just for his own self gratification. <br />
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Again, there is no way anyone in this format can truly understand and provide a substantive solution. But, you can learn what should be. We can listen; hear you; commiserate and hopefully let you know that you are not alone. <br />
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Be strong!

Hello Trix, <br />
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Of course as this is anonymous venue with only glancing Jews of yourself, what I offer can only be unsubstantiated suggestions.....<br />
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Lead, follow or get out of the way.<br />
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Your husand sounds like he didn't get hugged a lot as a child. Is he having performance anxiety where he spurns or suggests that you lead? Maybe so he can get "get in the mood"? Most women want to be taken, a fact of nature. To be desired, pursued then ravaged. Certainly works for my wife. But disposition, health and age may be effecting him. Maybe. If so, you have to be more the aggressor and lead te way. Become the vixen that takes what she wants. <br />
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Yet he acts out his pursuit of other woan. I'll bet to vicariously prop up his sexual ego. In his mind he is still the sexual aggressor. The man who can take what he wants. But reality, work, home duties, life and decorum intercede. He may be pursuing a fantasy. Find out what he desires and follow. This may include role playing. It may include you being more submission. What did he post on the married profile website? That he was available or you as a couple? Is he looking to do something with another couple? He may not know himself so be prepared to follow along.<br />
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Lastly, if you can't get what you want, you can get what you need. If he is not giving you what you crave then he has to get out of your way. There is no doubt you have only to offer to have a man take you. Start by dressing the part, low cut blouses and lacy bras and putting out the vib. See what happens. But be careful. This is the nuclear weapon deployment of relationships brinksmanship.<br />
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Again, just saying.

There was not a lot of affection in his family, still isn't as far as I can see.

I do like to be taken, as you said, most women do. I like the male to be the aggressive one. I used to be more aggressive, but he told me he didn't like that. Now, more years into the marriage he wants to change that, which I don't mind...but it needs to be both ways.

The website? Only himself....I don't think he would ever share his wife with anyone else. I've asked if he wanted an open marriage and I got "absolutely not." I dont really want an open marriage, but if he's going to fool around, why shouldn't I have the same option.

He said the sexting is just fantasy world, but it's not....he works with the ***** and did in fact admit to kissing her. That's not fantasy to me. That's leading to a lot more than fantasy world.

I don't have a problem attracting men at all. There are a few that have been waiting in the wings for years. LOL! My mother says that men will not tolerate their wives fooling around. they're too territorial. He sort of has it coming though. I'm just not the type. I feel it's wrong morally and I wouldn't feel good about myself. Any sexual relationship I would become involved in would have to be about love and friendship....never casual.

Oh...and he doesn't respond to dirty sexting from me. I don't think he likes me talking that way because his wife shouldn't be a dirty ****. This is just something I've figured out over time.

You certainly deserve more and you deserve affection.

Thank you, and I think I do....
I know I want the affection. I'm tired of settling.

I've tried explaining how I feel, but Mr. Narcissistic doesn't get it. He thinks that he shows me every day how much he loves me by providing for our family. <br />
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Thanks so much :)

I don't care about the big house or the nice car. I'd rather have his time and attention.

You are confused, hurt and lonely ... have you ever tried saying what u just wrote here to him? The best medicine to sort any matter between a couple is to communicate openly & honestly. I hope he listens and understands ... otherwise, u tried! Move on with ur life as well i would say, make new friends and begin to enjoy