Scolded For Intimacy

Sounds verrrrrrrry strange! I would melt if my husband said those things to me. He avoids me like the plague. Stupid woman.

DebbieFcup, wjk1849, thanks for the insights. It is especially helpful to have a female point of view.



I know it sounds like denial, but I highly doubt my wife is having an affair. She even gets very jealous at the mention of any of my spending time with current female friends she finds threatening. She does love me in her own way but it is more like how you would love a family member. She shows love by nurturing and taking care of people. Providing for them, cooking, cleaning, etc. I feel like a jerk sometimes when I am left empty by lack of intimacy but that's who she is. She has never been an extremely warm or intimate person but it has become worse as life has became more complicated and busy with the addition of kids and other responsibilities. We have more time for relationships when we are younger and, unfortunately, relationships later in life often seem to take a back seat to other things that vie for attention. This seems to be a common thread between male friends who are my age and have kids, career, house, etc.



We had a discussion about my emptiness and lack of fulfillment several months ago and she was shocked to hear it. She told me she thought everything was fine and she was very happy in our relationship. She said she did not know what to do to help the situation. Things have been better since our talk, but I'm afraid my wife will never be the warm, intimate, loving person I desire. She is many other things, but not those unfortunately. Our relationship is reasonably good in other areas, for the most part. The holidays are an especially difficult time and seem to bring out the worst in everyone. There were several baseless arguments this past couple of weeks but we seem to be past that period now. We don't fight often and when we do, we are usually able to come to a resolution after she cools off. We work very well together in a practical way. Unfortunately, there just isn't much warmth and intimacy coming from her as far as I am concerned.



When I was in my early twenties, I kept a journal and all of the cards and love letters I received from various ladies I had relationships with back then. I looked through them yesterday (I have never done this!) and I realized that I miss love the way it was back then (at least some parts of it). Love letters for no reason, creative little surprises for each other...things that remind the other person how they mean everything to you.



Thanks again for the great replies. I will stay open to the possibility that she is having an affair make sure to pay attention to any signs of one.

Hmm, I have a feeling the other guys may be right! Being a female with male friends who have frigid wives, they tell a similar story, and one has even been sent off to the spare room for the past 4 years or so! I definitely reckon she's having an affair.



You need to sit down and talk to her, bring out your concerns in the open. I would ask her if she's having an affair - she the initial reaction (that's normally the telling point). She will be shocked you asked and will give the most honest reaction.



It's painful, I know, but wouldn't you rather find out now and have the pain now rather than wasting another 10-20 years of your youth - just how I feel. Obviously if you have children the ball game is completely different.



My husband is under no illusion that if we don't get on, or want different things once the kids have flown the nest (if I last that long), then I'm off. I see no point in delaying the inevitable.



Fortunately for me my husband is damn good at sex LOL!! So I tend to put up with other crap and enjoy the sex.



At the end of the day though, we are all different and can tolerate different situations where others cannot, I just wish you well. I really think we get out of the habit of kissing and intimacy - I'm a little bit like your wife - I like to get down and dirty, but not the mushy stuff (maybe we're both wired like men LOL).



Best of luck

I appreciate your reply. That is quite a situation you had going there with your ex. It sounds miserable. My wife was never the most intimate or passionate person so this isn't particularly new behavior for her although it has become worse over time and as life has become more busy and stressful. My wife is a lot of things but I'd be very surprised to find she was cheating. I don't think she has enough interest in intimacy or sex to cheat, quite honestly. I know she loves me but it is more of a loyal, mothering sort of love than a passionate and intimate one. She just needs very little attention and intimacy to be content and I am the opposite unfortunately.