The Lingerie!

The lingerie!

This story is all part of my 20th wedding anniversary dinner. We had been growing apart, and intimacy of any sort seemed a thing of the past.I separated this part out as it has merits as a story unto itself.

In preparation for our 20th wedding anniversary, I was very concerned about my wife feeling sexy.
She had put on a few pounds in having two children, and found it impossible to lose it.
I knew her sexy lingerie was all now too small for her to wear. Our sex life had gone to hell, and it was beginning to seriously effect our relationship. I decided that some new sexy lingerie to compliment the other gifts I had planned, would be just the ticket to make her feel sexy again.
I made the trip down to Victoria's Secrets to have a look around. I was out of my realm. Embarrassed to even be there, I slowly made my way down the aisles looking for ideas.
“Hello, May I help you?” a sales associate said. I turned around to see one of the prettiest woman I have ever seen in my life, looking at me. She was about 5'5” tall, and maybe 110 pounds, I have never seen that much cleavage in public before. OMG! My tongue was stuck! Finally I mumble something about getting something for my wife. She said, “You looking for naughty or nice, but sexy?”
I want something very sexy, yet classy, I told her.
“What size is she?” She asked
“I don't really know?” I replied. “She is 5'2” and ??? I don't know? “

“Well, look at me and tell me is she smaller than me or larger?”
I looked her up and down, then again, I blushed, then said “She is nothing like you?”
“She is wider in the hips, has shorter legs and is about the same size in the chest?”

“Do you know what size undies she wears?” she asked me.
“I know she is a 38 D bra, but I have no idea on the rest” I blurted out.
“How about I go home and check her undies and dresses, and come back with sizes?”
'OK, sounds good, ask for Sharilynn when you come back!”

I came back loaded with information. Sharilynn was at lunch. Her replacement sort of gave me the rolled back eye look, and said I could look around but don't touch. WTF.
Soon I found what I was looking for. It was a white silk robe, matching push up bra, and just plain white 'french cut” panties. Perfect. I waited until Sharilynn was back. She rushed over to assist me.
I showed her the outfit I liked, gave her the sizes, and she put together the perfect outfit, and added a white, see through lace vest. Sharilynn rings it up and says if It does not fit, I can exchange it as long as it is not used. “Do you want me to model it for you?: She suddenly ask. I almost fell on the floor. She giggled and said she was just pulling my leg. Lol

So now armed with the Lingerie, I put together the rest of the gifts and after our anniversary dinner my wife opened the special box with the lingerie in it.
“What the hell is this?” She asked. I said “try it on!”

“That's not happening!” “You bought this for you, not me”?

To this day, I don't think she ever took them out of the box.
What a waste. I was never so embarrassed in my whole life as when I bought them, and she could not even bother to try them on?
dumbnugly dumbnugly
56-60, M
39 Responses Mar 5, 2012

I'm sorry. I can tell you from my perspective I've had some irritating situations arise from lingerie purchases. I put on weight after a child too, and it was difficult. However, I was more irritated that he bought a bunch of cheap things and didn't ask me. It would be different for an anniversary present I suppose.

Maybe ask her what she likes? However, I suspect there is more to this as this is an older story and you mentioned other issues.

It is quite likely that nothing would have made her happy.


Add a response...

My husband has never done this for me... I'd love it. I'm sorry this happened. It's clear you were trying.

Relationships, under the best of conditions, are hard work. That is true whether monogamous or open. Your wife has grown increasingly selfish over the years and you have probably done the same. You are two people, together but apart. There is no one set of principles or formulas that work for everyone.

Chances are, despite all the frustration, you are both better with each other than apart. The thing to do is to find a coach, a pastor or a facilitator who is skilled at getting couples to communicate with one another. Real communication is hard work, so realize you are making a long-term investment.

Your wife is shut down emotionally. She accused you of buying the lingerie for your own pleasure. You could have said, "Damn right I did. I have loved looking at you for 40 years and it hasn't changed."

Those who comment that women have become more narcissistic are right. They haven't caught up to men, but gone are the days when a woman felt good about herself when her man was happy and her family cared for. Women's magazines and television do NOT help.

You may have a rough year or 18 months if you take my advice, but yo will start to see improvement fairly quickly. She does need to know she matters. Just like you want to matter to her. unfortunately, what tells her she matters may be different from what tells you that you matter.

Invest the time and money. It is difficult, and perhaps expensive, but way less costly than divorce and recovery.

Funny you should say all this. We are attempting to come to some sort of resolution. She is gradually coming around to the idea that I am not 25 anymore and never will be. I am slowly and reluctantly coming to the realization that my sex life is over. She even acknowledge the fact that the exercise classes I go to are needed for me to just maintain my physical life. She is not happy as the woman flirt with me. lol So be it! They are all at least 10 yrs older than me and proably less interested in sex than she is. However it does feel good to have people in my life who actually want to talk to me instead of bitching about life.

I know I'm late to the party, but I read the thread and was wondering how you were getting on. :)
Another poster had it dead on. You're wife didn't care for the sexy lingerie because she doesn't feel sexy. If I had a guess, the lingerie made her feel pressured to "put out" and she's probably feeling awkward and unsure after going a long time without intimacy.
For women, feeling sexy starts outside the bedroom. This involves a mixture of self-confidence, health, and emotional security.
Self confidence comes our own choice of dress, hygiene, hair, makeup, etc. We need to love ourselves.
Health and diet can play a big role. If you're not getting enough vitamins or sunlight, if you're suffering from depression, these things can have a huge impact on libido.
Emotional security comes from you. A woman wants to feel needed and desired. This can come in many forms. Affection, words of reassurance, simple kindnesses that let her know she is appreciated, etc.
A little effort outside the bedroom can have a huge impact inside the bedroom.
I hope this helps in any way.
Also, don't rule out depression. Tiredness, lack of interest in sex or other hobbies and activities, not wanting to spend time with friends and family, no interest in getting dressed, doing hair, etc. this would require a doctors evaluation.
Wishing the best! :)

oh believe me I had gone to extremes to make her feel wanted and desired, not just sexually. I read enough to know a one day...hey sweetie... was not going to work. It is not about the sex per say but her reluctance to even share her emotions, except her anger. Depression...sure a thought. After her Mother passed, she really got cold. The sexy undies were an attempt to get her to feel sexy again. I did not work? Oh well! Life goes on. To think I will ever have a loving relationship again is a waste of time. She has developed her "Habits" and they don't include me. I am nothing more than a room mate who does her chores so she can work with out being hasseled. What I hate is her "Sweetness" to her friends on the phone, then she hangs up and ******* at me. Drives me crazy!

I know this thread is ages ago now - but guys - sometimes us wives just aren't into you husbands any more. **** happens - people grow apart and find normal daily living hard enough - let alone having to have sex with someone you simply don't fancy any more and that makes your skin crawl - BLEH That's exactly how I feel with my husband, I can't stand him touching me he turns me off so much. Unfortunately I'm too poor to leave and divorce him otherwise I would :-(

yes, that thought has crossed my mind, but then why stay? I asked her if she wanted a divorce. No way she said. OK, but why pretend then? I guess as you stated, she is concerned with the financial difficulties a divorce would bring?

Well in that case, I think she's being unfair to be honest. My husband is aware of my intentions and I have given him my blessing to go and find either sex/or another partner until we can sort things out financially once the kids have either left home or are old enough to cope with the upheaval.

I'm not a fan of women who want the financial security their husband gives them, but who aren't prepared to stick to the other contractual terms and conditions of the marriage contract. I'm different like that. I know I'm being unfair and accept it fully if my husband goes off with someone else or finds sex elsewhere and am fine with it. I feel it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect him not to.

If you had bought the lingerie for me, I would have said thankyou and gently explained that I no longer want a sexual relationship with you and would give you my blessing to have sex elsewhere, no problem. It's a shame people have this fixed, narrow view of relationships and sex.

I personally think marriage and monogamy are vastly overrated and outdated. I don't even think it's the natural order of things for humans. It was invented by men to keep people in order and under control.

Anyway I'm wittering on, sorry. I do hope you can come to some amicable agreement with your wife. My husband is still clinging on to the hope I will fancy him again, but it's about more than physical attraction, maybe there's more to her discontentment than physical stuff - whatever it is, you should try and talk to her some more.

Good luck and best wishes. And I meant no offense by my comments by the way xx

No offense taken! When I realized the thought of being intimate with me in any form was revolting to her, I suggested Divorce. After all life is way to short to be with someone you don't even like.

The girl at the store was just playing her part. She knows she's beautiful and can get way with treating men any which way she feels like. Not unlike your wife who decides she really doesn't want to go on an anniversary get away with you, no matter how grand.

Today, women are socialized this way and this is what feminism has gotten us,. Women are encouraged to be independant of their husbands and that they have no responsibility as a wife anymore. Also, that they are supreme beings just because they have **** and a ****. Anything that men do for their wives is viewed negatively. I go through the same thing: what ever I do isn't good enough, grand enough, expensive enough etc. Women didn't treat men like this 50 years wouldn't have been socially acceptable.

There is alot to what you just said. Woman want to be treated as equals....this I have no problem with. I agree 100% we should all be equal. Yet it seems some want to still be put on that pedestal.
You can\'t have it both ways....They don\'t want equal, they want preferential treatment. I asked my wife why we always had to do things her way or not at all....Her response...Because I am the Queen and your my subject.
Does not sound equal to me!

so sorry

when I got married, I wore lingerie underneath my wedding dress

when he took me me home, he basically, not in those exact words, said that lingerie was for 21 year old guys and it was more for young immature men.

I was so emberassed, that when he left to go pray with the other men (yes, even on my wedding night. THEY even told him that he should be with me, not with them) I took them off and threw away all the lingerie. Even though he never saw me in them, i was so emberassed.

Your efforts are so wonderful, sad to hear your husband never realized how good he has it.

Sorry to hear about your poor experience. My wife was also very self conscious about her appearance after our 2 boys. I don't know if you are willing to try again but here is a gift that I gave my wife to show her that I still find her very attractive. I rented a nice camera with a couple of good lenses. One macro and one zoom and took some boudoir photos of her. Nothing scandalous at first just flattering high angle shots and closeups of the places she is proud of. Make sure to say how amazing she looks as you do this.
It really helped our sex lives and she has even started taking better care of herself since then. Hopefully this might work for you as well. Best of luck.

Been there done that, had exactly the same thing happen to me with my wife. Was told exactly the same thing, the outfit was for me not her. Will I ever get it rightI wonder.

No clue why she didn\'t like it. I guess maybe she wanted a new vacuum? I just thought we should get back to having some fun again?

I belive your wife was right you bought it for your enjoyment. It was not about her, It was about you! If she had put it on; you would of been thinking about the girl at V.S. Nothing wrong with what you did, just tell her your sorry with some flowers, im sure you will get what your after.

You maybe right, but all I wanted was a little affection. A co worker suggested the VS wear. She told me that the most memorable and treasured gifts she ever received were sexy undies from her father in law. I figured if a woman would appreciate such a thing from her father in law, then a hubby would be even better. shows what I know about woman.

Your wife doesn't like her body,she feels ugly and fat. Because she knows you find skinny woman pretty and they look good in lingerie. Maybe the attention you use to give her u don't give anymore. It offends her when u look at other woman especially when they are smaller in weight. she thinks you want her to wear lingerie because that's what sexy woman wear,but she doesn't feel sexy. sometimes woman want to spend time with their man by giving each other attention like making her laugh give hugs and hold her, wink at her when your in public, tell her how nice she looks. Tell her

Oh She does hate it if I look at another woman, but she looks at men, so whats the difference. As far as the rest, well when she asked me to leave the bedroom and not return, it sort of said it all. I will take your comments under advisement.

wow.. maybe you should have talked to her about your plans and that you still desired her so what could you do to help what you were feeling.

I would have loved it if my husband had done that for me.our anniversaries pass but he never buys me even a pen he sometimes even forgets its our really hurts when the man u love forgets ur own wedding.
it seems ur wife has stopped loving u or is having sex with somebody else & its pointless to stay in a sexless marriage. just leave her coz life is too short

I so agree with you Munii my anniversaries are never special either I get a kiss and a salutation and that's it he use to be much more caring before I became a housewife

i totally agree men tend to change aftr u hve kids or after marriage.
i just wish there r guys like abbigguyu4u who care so much

Life is short and I would love to complain about some man not responding to my desires but the reality is, no one knows me enough to get to me. Good or bad it just doesn’t matter. Please just do the right thing and quit being such a *****! That women at the store was attracted to you she wanted to sleep you and you blew it! Your wife would lose weight and sleep with you all the time if you just manned up!

My advice is to tell your wife this story (skipping the whoa is me part). Tell her that the women of your dreams wanted you sooo bad but all you could think about was the love of your life. Go back to that store and tell miss. 10 that you want something naughty and skip the pretty wrapping, have it on the bed and explain to your wife that YES this is for you and if she doesn’t want to compete with the supermodel who helped pick it out she better put it on and make love to you the way you deserve.

cool! No, the woman in the store wanted a sale. Pure and simple.
I never have nor ever will cheat on my spouse. Do we have sex? No, and I am sure we never will again. But once again, it is her choice. She says I need to be more romantic, I have tried. what I know, and suggestions from what woman say she would like, all has been rejected. She now says she does not have those type of feelings for me? Not sure what the hell that means. This was not written as a "whoa is" me article. It was written to explain my wife's attitudes about sex. Basically if I am the aggressor, I am an *** hole, if she is the aggressor, I am a jerk for making her want me. Just the way it is!

I agree with you some people me included just doesn't want lust!! it's an idea but not the feeling of pleasure I want it really hurts when the one you love seems distant some people could be so cold towards how your feeling you want your wife and I resect that..pray on your marriage

Continue to love in her and try being intimate with her instead of trying to rush her to the bed. She may just be lonely mentally and concerned about rather or not you see the beauty you saw before the two kids. FYI.......women are emotional creatures who have to be treated very delicately......

It is difficult to continue to love someone who will not even let me hold her hand. This is one of many times she has opted to not be alone with me. I am not talking sex, I know that is not going to happen. She will not even share her feelings.

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Sorry, I know how hard it is.

I wish my husband took the time to do things like that for me. She is not happy with herself, she could be pushing you away because she has no confidence. I am sorry.

A sexy outfit, and complements from my husband would meet my desires, and feed my soul.

well she sure is pushing me away!

After all this time? How is your confidence?
It is so easy to stay, and just function. When my husband gave me a cell phone case for our 16th wedding anav. And just let the day pass. It made me question everything about myself. I felt like I must not be worth more, and our marriage was not a valuable moment to celebrate.

It made me realize that i can't impress her so i should stop trying. This year she got a card and a flower. She seemed to like it, but was not impressed. It has become obvious that I will be nothing more than a roommate, so that is how I treat her now.

"I felt like I must not be worth more, and our marriage was not a valuable moment to celebrate"
Nail on the hammer right there. It is exactly how I felt when my ex ditched me for a guys weekend on our anniversary and did absolutely nothing to make it up to me. After all these years I found it so hard to express myself, but you put it perfectly right there.
Thank you.

been there Qwerty6950

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The more i see of these stories the more i think it is a control issue. One uses sex to have control or revenge. Many people that are angry or controlling are not mad at you but are trying to rationalize their failings by blaming you. I would demand more respect and some action and tell her that if she's not going to work on this then you're all done and leaving.

It took me a long time to see it, but yes it is a control issue. She is unhappy about herself and is now responding by wanting total control of everything in our lives. It started with sex, and has progresses to everything else in my life. I have to ask permission to go to the store! How crazy is that?

Seems like her response was relevant. You make comments about her having put on a few pounds after children. Is that more of a concern for you than her?. Do you love her enough to still find her attractive? Are you still the slim muscular guy she met?
Do you tell her not to worry she will lose the weight and she's stil pretty. Sounds like she has lost some self esteem and doesnt feel supported hence the resonse you got. Seems like your self esteem is low too if it takes a pretty lady to give you a hit. You both need to work on appreciating and respecting each other. Then the sex will flow.
Kudos for planning a 20th celebration. There is hope there. Good luck!

well I am sure of one thing, she will never have sex again. Her choice. The rest is yet to be determined.

I am sort of that wife but not because I want to be but it's more that it is NOT my husband I want to share this with. I have small kids so I stay but am very lonely and ready to explore my options. I do commend you for trying and she should have at least tried to be nice but I also know it is hard if feelings are dead like mine. Good luck and I hope this post was not a downer. I just get the story!

Thank You for commenting. Your views are much welcome.

Happy anniversary. I made the same mistake over a year ago and the tags are still on. I went out of my to make her happy ,but nothing doing. Where is the reciprocity?

Well I wrote this because I don't really understand her attitude. I guess it is not a rare thing? I do remember a day when she would have been thrilled. That is my biggest problem.

If my husband went out of his way to buy me such nice things I would be so happy wow I don't understand at all. When I was married I longed for my husband to do things like that but he never did!

I really thought she would appreciate the thoughts at least. She never even looked at it, so I guess it was the thought?

It was the thought that counts and that was so nice of you to do it. But the fact she doesn't acknowledge it bothers me alot because you made the effort and she should have taken the time to thank you for it!

same here I am simple I like the old traditional things flowers a simple card it doesn't have to be extravagant for me, just let me know you care I get happy anniversary and a bunch of phoney kisses some women just don't appreciate the efforts whether they are great or small.

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that was nice what you did

Awe, in the past 25 years of my marriage, my husband has never tried to buy me such a gift. I've even bought stuff like that for myelf and tried to model it for him. He just scoffed, and said I didn't need stuff like that to turn him on. Yet, did he touch me that evening???? No, he was too involved in his television program. By the time he came to bed, I was asleep!! *sigh*

this just broke my heart...hugs.

Omg, it broke my heart too. I am so sorry this happened to you. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs...there is nothing I can suggest to help you if she is not willing. That's the key. She has to be willing. I'm so very sorry for you. This sux. Ugh.

Get a different wife!

I feel for you. I too am "celebrating" my 20th anniversary and planned having a nice dinner and reserved the hotel I proposed to her in as a surprise I also took two days off work. She found out and said it was a waste of time and money. I concelled everything and went back to work having to explain why I was their on my anniversary. Life sucks

I know how you feel!

Ugh. How awful. They might as well have slapped you two in the face. Omg, what a waste of good love.

I think it was probably a case of false expectations. She figured she was going to have the perfect marriage, when it wasn't what she expected, she retreated from all intimacy. Yes, what a waste indeed.

Sounds like your wife and my husband would make a perfect pair!

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In my whole life I have never had a man buy me lingerie. I always chalked it up to they didn't know my size and didn't want to be wrong so they let me buy my own. It didn't bother me, but ba<x>sed on this story and others I have heard perhaps it should bother me. It never even occurred to me that had my ex been resourceful enough he could have figured out my sizes or that he should have. I bet he just never felt the need. I usually had more than enough that I had purchased myself of various varieties. So he never felt motivated to do so I suppose. Then of course came the sexless marriage where he refused to have sex with me so buying me lingerie was absolutely not going to happen. It's interesting how hard some men work to make their wives feel sexy and how mean/nasty they can be as a response.<br />
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"You bought this for you"? Yes, I bought me a gift to let me know I find you attractive. Any man that sets foot in a victoria secret willing to seek out something she might like should be given credit for that effort. Men in victoria secret, I imagine, would feel like people are looking at them like they are perverts so to do that... takes effort and confidence. <br />
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Good for you for doing it. Shame on her for taking it for granted.<br />
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Tell you what -- next anniversary you buy *ME* lingerie and I will send her my ex-h so he can buy her something wonderful like a new external hard drive. That could be fun. ;-)

I am beginning to like that idea! lol

My bf went to V.S. - a surprise - with me last fall, before our trip to Mexico for Thanksgiving - HIS idea. We looked at things. I tried some on. Then he made me leave the store while he purchased a few things. I didn't know which ones he picked until he presented them to me at the vacation condo. It was great!

i applaud u for your effort. one thing I think is that sometimes if a woman doesn't wear lingerie and then getting her too might be too big of a step. maybe try a long slinky gown to wear to bed and slowly something more and more skimyp, y'know. <br />
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but I also know sexless marriage. it kills. EVERYTHING.

I agree, it does kill everything. weather the refuser meant for it to or not, it just does!

I found it odd that she is a refuser, but likes sex? I would understand if she just no longer liked sex. What I got from her was she "Love sex, just not with you" I never did figure out what the hell that meant. I guess because her next comment was she had no interest in a Divorce? Go figure?

she's used to you and no longer thinks of you and sex together. thats what that is, but still wants the stability of marriage.

I applaude you for the great effort. I am a larger girl & would love to get lingerie for a gift & would put it on right away.....and off even sooner lol. I lov lingerie too, I know it makes me feel gret<br />
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Your a very thoughtful husband tht you just want your wife to feel sexy & better about her self.<br />
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I am sorry your thoughtfulness went unappreciated......your a keeper & your wife doesn't realize how lucky she is.....I know I am single & we single gals are looking for a keeper.....hope things improve

I was not expecting much, but I got less than nothing! It was very similar to a night gown she had when we first got married, it was her favorite. I guess it just brought up bad images?

That just sucks!. BigGuy, it's a shame you can't read minds.<br />
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I bought my wife on our FIRST ANNIVERSARY an outfit, nothing sexy, that took hours to put together and she didn't try it on before taking it back.....and during the next 36 years I didn't get her anything she could wear on our anniversary.....

Oh I understand! Now she gets a card, and maybe dinner, if she is nice!

Mine got a Garcia 5500 rod and reel combo one year and a S&amp;W Model 66 another..

Ahhh - that's a hard position to be int. Sorry about that. Don't give up - keep trying!!

Well this happened 13 yrs ago. She has made it clear that intimacy will never happen again. I am not sure what else I can do. I don't like living as room mates.

look for a wife if u dont want a roomate

I am going to play devil's advocate here....if a woman doesn't feel desired or sexy why would she want lingerie? Maybe that reminded her of the fact that she has weight to lose....this is a touching story about you......but did you consider her? Was that the most meaningful gift you could have gotten her? From my perspective this was all about you.

This was by no means the main gift I got her, just a small add in. It was of course meant to be about her, but as you said, I blew it.

That one strikes close to home. Early in our relationship, I bought her lingerie. I thought it would be fun, and got the same response. Fast forward to now, a lot has happened. As I found my attempts to be close to her fail, I stray as a means of compensating for my own loneliness. I have learned that she wants to be married, but she just does not wish to be intimate as I do. The kids and life demands make leaving feel impossible. Knowing what I want and what is out there has been essential to me, so I strayed, and managed to experience life. We hit real conflict, and we tried to work things out. We compromise on sex, and have it once a week, though it lacks deep connection or passion. I accept being a low priority to everything else in life.<br />
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Fast forward, I thought a dozen years later, I could get her some beautiful lingerie. I knew her size, and shopped for something from Nordstroms that really was classy, and on the conservative side. I even told her it was for me because I wanted her to have something that made her look beautiful. the result was she politely tried it on, looked as if covering disappointment, and despite being both beautiful and a perfect fit, has not worn it once.

Yes, I relate on all fronts. I think the looking beautiful is the last thing they want, because it makes them think of sex, which they don't want.

Time and again, I get a reminder, telling me that sex and relationships is all about communication and shared goals.<br /><br />
BTW, my wife would have reacted in a similar way, or even worse. That's why I'm not even trying with her, although I'm no stranger to the VS shop

I think shared goals is key here. Communication was never very good because she felt I should know what she wants with out her telling me?

Should of taken them back and told the sale rep there must something wrong with these garments. Tell her you are sorry but You will have to request that she put these on so that you can check for any defects. It would be worth a try! Hey ... Can't blame a guy for trying, the worse she can say is no! I am sorry to hear about your 20th anniversary not turning out to be as special as you had hoped for.

Well I am with you! i SHOULD HAVE RETURNED THEM! I don't think the young lady would have tried them on for me, but like you said, You never will know, If you don't ask!

Bigguy, if a man bought me lingerie, he would not see the light of day..i would keep him rather busy. remember there are women who love you..

You go girl! Maybe I could get you some lingerie! Anything that would light your fancy young lady? ...............

Silky soft satin or lacy pretties are what most women want against their skin. It is the best feeling of being an ultimate girly girl. And if there is a man that gives that gift, that would be fantastic!! I cannot believe that any woman would not jump and down for joy! You tried to give her a very wonderful gift - you did the best you could sweet man. I personally think it is time to move on.... so sad for you!

Awww, I'm sorry you went through this..... :(