Lonely Husband

I am not sure that my wife ever loved me...well maybe that is too harsh. She would say that she loves me and I think that she probably does, but I don't think that she is truly able to discern how she feels.

She is very self-absorbed with her hobbies and she fills every minute of her day "working." I am not really sure what she is trying to accomplish because she doesn't make much money, and I don't really need the money. I tell her just to cut back and spend time with us, but she keeps focusing on things that take her away from the home.

I have a very successful career and get a lot of internal satisfaction with what I do at work, but she doesn't seem concerned at all with what goes on in my life. It would be nice every once in a while to be able to have an intellectual discussion about what is going on in my life, or at least to feel like she is interested. On the other hand, we spend hours talking about her day; to be honest, I love to hear all about it, but I just wish that she would show an interest in me.

This lack of interest has slowly worked its way into the bedroom. We haven't made love more than 4 times this year, and she often turns me down even though she accuses me of never asking. I get such mixed messages from her and sometimes I feel as if she is just having sex with me out of obligation. I don't want to use my wife as I have too much respect for her. I must admit that I would almost rather find a friend with benefits than to use the one I love for my most animalistic needs. What I really want is an intimate relationship with her, but I don't think that will ever come. We both are attractive and still in our mid-30s, and I know that this should be our prime. I really don't know where to turn or what to do.

Signed,

Sad, frustrated and Lonely
unutlee unutlee
36-40, M
2 Responses May 12, 2012

how long has this been an issue? my husband basically said "no" for many years,and now we are separating...nothing changed with counseling, talking,"trying", etc. i did finally (after 17 years) get a friend with benefits, and what that did for me was made it more clear i needed to leave my marriage. for what it's worth, i told my husband that i was seeing someone else, and "cheating" would upset me too much. he didn't change his behavior...my husband found me selfish wanting intimacy, i.e. i was wanting things "my way"...huh? what's marriage for then anyways? the fact that you are interested in her life, and sex, is great. i am sure you wouldn't have any problems finding an outlet so to speak...but for me that didn't "solve" anything, but it was a step in my path...

Keeps getting worse each year. I am sorry that things didn't work out for you. I keep trying, and avoiding having to find an "outlet," but it gets more difficult and difficult each month. I wouldn't know where to start though. I don't want to go for something "easy" if you know what I mean. Just stuck! Thanks for the comment Gazell.

If you really care for eachother you'll find a way to make it work however don't put her needs in front of your any longer. You need to be happy too. I'm in a similar situation w my husband and just don't know what to do. Easier helping others than yourself sometimes good luck always around to chat,lonely in Colorado

So much of this seems familiar to me!<br />
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My wife feels that I am absolutely unfair in needing affection from her. We are very rarely intimate and when we are it's completely passionless - i feel like it's an obligation on her part as well, which makes me hate myself so badly when it's finished.<br />
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This is a nightmare. Society now thinks that a man should be in touch with his emotions, but my experience is that actually letting people see how you feel leads to criticism and abuse for being weak. I am struggling so hard with a broken relationship when I know that being shown some love and affection would be a massive help in working to mend the broken bits