Self-Absorbed Husband, Fabulous Woman
I'm not here to hook up with anyone or to get the sympathy of some guy. I'm here to vent and to feel less lonely because I know someone else out there in my position can read this and not feel so alone. And it makes me feel less alone to write it.
Look. I'm a great wife and mother. Period. Not afraid to say it. I have my flaws, like sometimes allowing myself to get stressed, but the things I get stressed about are the things anyone would get stressed about, and I'm quite adept at keeping the stress at bay and getting better at it as I get older because I've paid my dues and let everyone else who doesn't uderstand how precious life is get stressed instead of me. And I'm sort of picky about hotels if we're on vacation but I'm not as picky as some of the truly high-maintenance women I know. I just need to know the sheets are clean, the bathroom's clean, and the bed is comfy. Concierege optional. Sure, I need to lose another ten pounds, and I'd probably be in better shape if I wasn't exhausted from caring 24-7 for a baby. But fact is, I'm generous, honest, loving, flexible, a good listener, and a pretty darned good role model for my little baby daughter. I'm creative and while I have a good business head, I'm also well-versed in the arts and talented at a couple of them too. Oh yeah, and I'm attractive too. I'm the one who doesn't have to wear make-up to be pretty, but I'm a girlie girl, so I rarely leave the house without hair done & lip gloss. Most people can't believe it when I tell them I'm 45. While I'm a laid-back type B personality, I am not at all a sit-on-my-butt-and-do-nothing person. I'm the mom in the neighborhood who is out jogging while pushing the baby in the jogging stroller.
I don't even want to go into detail here but my husband never learned how to get along with others, doesn't play fair, changes maybe one diaper a week and ******* when I ask him to watch our baby once a week for an hour while I go to the grocery store in order to buy food for dinner (which I make). Our baby is 7 mos. old and he has never bather her or fed her YET. Not ONCE. He expects everyone to read his mind about what he wants and then when he doesn't get it he whines. Today I told him I was making chicken paprikash for dinner and he said, "But I don't WANT chicken!" (And he wasn't trying to be funny.) Well OMG let me rush out and get you whatever you want this very minute Little Lord Fauntleroy!
Once, when we were at the Acropolis in Athens and got separated, I stayed there for hours looking for him, even in the middle of a downpour while I was pregnant and exhausted. I felt as if I had lost my best friend (?!?). Finally I called the hotel and he was there. Hmmmm. So I got a cab back to the hotel, and when I walked in all he did was scowl at me and act put upon. I couldn't believe he wasn't happy to see me. He didn't even put his arms around me or say he was worried. I could tell story after story like this, where he behaved insensitively to say the least.
This guy is so completely self-absorbed that he doesn't realize what he has. I got to where I was about to crack up and lose my mind. But I can't do that because of our sweet, beautiful daughter. I have peace of mind, somehow, because I know I am Quality, and I know I am Desirable. I can walk anywhere without fear even though I feel pretty lonely most of the time. I protect my peace of mind fiercely these days and don't let his callous ways faze me most of the time. I've learned that there is nothing I can do about it or for him, and that his selfishness is beyond my control and he's too set in his ways to ever change.
I will make plans for me and my daughter, fun stuff, necessary stuff, but all good stuff. I will live my life to the fullest and, like Andy duFresne in Shawshank Redemption I'm going to get busy living instead of dying. I mean, that's the way I've always been. I don't hate the guy. He has no earthly idea what a jerk he is. He has no earthly idea how fortunate he is to have someone like me for his wife. The poor guy is just blind and will end up being a lonely old man one day. It makes me sad for him, but believe me I've tried and there's not a sensitive bone in his body unless it's for himself. And occasionally for our daughter.
Oh and one more thing and then I'm done. I love my solitude. I have never been insecure about being alone. But this is the pits. So I have to stop having any expectations of him whatsoever or I'll go insane. This is not about me wanting to have some stupid affair. Nor is it about me missing great sex. I've had enough good sex in my life for 3 or 4 people and I don't ever care to have sex again without love. This is about me letting go so that hy hopes aren't constantly dashed and about me letting go of my desire and needs for understanding and affection from him. This is about me knowing what I'm about, who I am, and making damn sure I stay true to myself and my daughter. I know how to be happy. My husband's narcissism just got me sidetracked and hurt me pretty badly for a while.
I don't have time for that anymore.