Waste Of A Life....my Story...

I have nothing to do right now, so I figured I would write my novel
IN MY SHELL.....
It all started early in life. A lot to blame on having dry skin through school. I hated gym class as other guys would point out (at loud levels) how dry my skin was and bring it to the worlds attention. This of course led to withdrawing from all sports or school activities. This was carried out into the classroom in front of girl schoolmates which inevitabily led to me avoiding dating of any kind. I was very embarrased. I hated school and could not wait to graduate. In my senior year I finally met a met a girl who I'll call "M". She was chock full of insecurity issues, but I was too blinded by a "first love". We married fresh out of high school and thus began the worst 13 years of my life. She was a stone cold alchoholic and a violent mistrusting person. The 13 years were filled with police coming to the house due to her screaming during her physical altercations with me. I never laid a hand on her, but she routinely bit me, scratched me, and punched me. I wore womans cover up cosmetics to hide the marks on my face, neck, and arms from other co-workers, although I knew they were still visible. I always blamed the bites on the dog.
THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL......
Our apartment was across from a mall. My wife had noticed an outfit a few days earlier at one of the stores, and really liked it. While she was at work, I walked over and got it for her. I laid it out on the bed so she would see it when she got home. Instead of appreciation, it started a huge fight about where I really was. I locked myself in the bathroom embarrased that the whole apartment was hearing this. She managed to unlock the door where she found me sitting on the edge of the tub. She proceeded to run to the kitchen and took every condiment out of the refrigerator and proceeded to pour them over my head. I had emotionally hit my breaking point and could do nothing but sit there and weep. She kept screaming and calling me a crybaby while pouring ketchup over my head. I eventually ran from the apartment to a stream and laid on a rock crying my eyes out asking God why.......
It was at this time that she was also let go by her boss due to the bosse's wife demanding she leave. It wasn't till much later that I found out that she had been spread eagle on his desk multiple times.

FINALLY RELIEF......
Her parents eventually purchased a tavern. It was like leaving a mouse with cheese in my wifes case. She started tending bar and became friendly with one of the factory workers who was a patron. I saw the affair starting to happen and let it take it's course. Eventually she said she wanted a divorce, and I was more than willing. We had three small children at the time. I never thought about the ramifications to the children, but instead was looking for relief. It was finally over........
ENTER "D"
I was working a construction job where I met a friend. We had a lot in common. He invited me over to his house one Friday to go hit a couple bars. His daughter "D" went with us along with some other folks I did not know. "D" and I talked and danced for quite a while, and I really enjoyed her company. Later that night her Dad and I went back to the house where he insisted I stay. I fell asleep on the pull out sofa. "D" came home later that night and crawled right into bed with me. I never had anything like that happen to me. I was feeling on top of the world knowing someone had wanted to be with me that way. One year later we were married. She had come from a biker lifestyle and a bad cocaine addiction which I did not find out until much later. Thirty days after we were married, she asked me at dinner one night if I would mind if she posed nude on the back of an old boyfriends bike. I told her yes I objected. She did it anyhow and then went to the bar till 2:30am. I did not know where she was since the time I got home from work at 5:00pm. When she eventually rolled in and we argued, she said if marriage was me having to know where she was at all the time, then it wasn't for her. Two weeks later we were divorced, and I was heartbroken.
Enter "J"
I met "J" my present wife, eighteen years ago. She is 10 years younger than me. She was from a college educated background and also the college party ways. Needless to say, I had a real hatred for alchohol from my first marriage, and also watching my Dad destroy his life with the bottle. "J" and I talked about it, but she had many instances of getting drunk or needing to put the "buzz on" throughout the early years. Her first job where she worked as an office proffesional led to the first of the problems. I was driving truck at night and usually going out of state. I was always back by morning. Three seperate occasions she would call me when I was already on the road and ask if I minded if she went to the baseball game with some work friends. It made me uneasy but I always gave in. I eventually learned that it was actually one male friend and it usually ended with a trip to the bar. When I eventually confronted her, she said she only lied about who she was with but not where she had been. She said she knew it would make me upset, hence the reason for the half truth. She said they were just friends. These types of instances kept happening, but she always found a way to make it sound like I was over controlling and would wind up crying and making me feel guilty about making accusations.
"PRESENT DAY"
J now works for a big corporation in a high profile position. Many times during the year she has to go out of town for a day meeting or a three night seminar. I stay home and take care of our 10 year old daughter. Needless to say, with the past white lies, I am always uneasy on the seminar excursions since people she works with also go. The dinners always wind up being at sports bar venues and can run up to 4 hours long. I personally dont see how a dinner can take four hours but I just take a deep breath and accept it. The knife to the heart happened two weeks ago when again she had a three night seminar. I noticed after she left that the box where our romantic "toys" were stored on the top shelf, was open. I looked inside and found a "toy" missing. My wife has never been a self satisfier since I met her and several times stated that she doesn' do that. The next three days left me with a churning stomach and the inability to eat. I literally felt sicker than I ever had. When she eventually got home, I watched her unpack and noticed her take a quick glance at the box on the shelf. Later that night, I found the toy in a zipper pocket of her purse. The next day she asked why I was so quiet and I asked her why she took the toy with her. She stated that she thought about the opportunity of being alone in a hotel room without our daughter being around and the opportunity to relax. She said she would never hurt me like that by being with someone else.
This of course was followed by crying and I eventually told her I believed her. Secretly, I am not sure what I believe. The whole sneaking it out of the house thing seems odd. Everyday she goes to work, her after lunch routine is to walk over to the manufacturing facility where she spends 2-3 hours visiting and talking with people. She will say that she has to run a piece of paper over for an employee to sign and apparently it is a long signature. I just cant stand always double guessing myself. I know articles will tell you to go with your gut, but how do I know my gut is not influenced by previous deceptions? My sex life is barely on a six month rotation. I feel anger and resentment towards her, and it builds every time these incidents happen. She says she loves me, but I feel it is all words. We are on a vicious cycle where I pull away from her and she views it as me not loving her, when in fact I'm not loving her because she makes herself unloveable by her actions. We have had multiple heart to heart conversations where I express the things I need in a relationship,(honesty, commitment, etc) but I feel it goes in one ear and out the other. I refuse to walk away because of the daughter. I already lost contact and closeness with three children and will not do that to my beautiful daughter. I just try everyday to find a coping mechanism. Lately I have found myself pondering having a craigslist quickie just to feel a little passion. Don't really know if I could even do it due to having a guilt trip about doing something out of the oath of marriage. I have lost all interest in music writing and woodworking, and find myself just wanting to sleep. My daughter has asked me multiple times to stop smoking, but I really find myself sometimes wishing to die, especially by a quick heart attack. I know it sucks for my daughter, but the world has been a bleak place for me since I was a child, and I sometimes see no reason to continue the charade. I secretly long to hold another woman just for the day. A day spent having lunch, talking, cuddling, etc. Any men out there who have true honest woman only looking to be loved, jump at it. Don't be a fool. I would give everything I have just to sit back and coast through the rest of my years with a loving woman by my side. I have asked God on many occasions, why he has made it so hard on me. God gives us only one life here on Earth, and I truly have trouble comprehending why a loving God would give me such a horrible 52 years..........
touchyourhand touchyourhand
51-55
May 15, 2012