My Loneliness Is Just As Much About Self Esteem As It Is The Distance In Our Marriage... Help

Sad & lonely just as my Husband's mood has improved from just laying in bed sleeping, sad etc. to suddenly a friend needed help, so he goes (I was happy it got him up & out & hoped it'd improve his mood & it did, but now he's off doing stuff (not just for himself / friends, but our Family too & I'm proud of him for that), but I feel SO lonely. I think this is in part due to the fact that yesterday, he wen't out (only for a very short time) & when he did, he brought money he'd won 4 our bills, food etc. That was great, however he'd got the money by being out gambeling (which was good he was out of the house & I'm happy he got time to himself & got to help out the family, but I'm all sad & lonely because we NEVER do anythin other than Family stuff or eat together. This isn't all his fault & I feel so guilty & stupid for even whining about my insecurtiy on here. The other issue is that I've gained some weight (nothing substantial), but more than I like & I've been out of the gym the last 4 months, due to a needed surgery that took longer to recover from than the 8 weeks anticipated. I've always been in the gym & I know working out helps my emotional stability. So here I'm having self confidence issues, we've both grown accustomed to "routine" / boring / same activity in the bedroom for years now & it gets the job done for me some of the time, but I stress it's only some. I told him what was up after complaining for months about a month back & was told I needed to do something for him, that he was very visual & so I did & he did what I'd asked for, but I could tell both of us were just compling with the others wishes & it was nothing like it was in years before. I know people change, relationships change, sex changes & sex isn't the only thing that has me down. I know a huge part of my lonely feeling is insecurity. I'm very inseure & I need reasurance & approval via actions to help me feel desired, wanted & that my Husband dosen't just love, but is still in love with me. Yesterday I was clearing the cache on the PC & saw that while I was gone, he'd viewed several **** Videos on the Internet & I immediately felt sad. Here about a moth ago, he mentioned things he liked to see me in, so here I'd been putting more thought & trying with my everyday appearance, initiated sex the other night, have been taking more intrest in his car (which he loves & loves to work on) & had been realy wanting sex the last two weeks, but myself had turned to **** & Mastubation durring those 2 weeks because he was so depressed & it'd be selfish for me 2 try & get any / expect any from him. Anyway, he's been interested in Truck Driving for a while now & is attending a meeting tomorrow to see about training & I'm happy for him & us, I think it'll be a good thing. But sad, hurt, insecure me admits to having the following thought, (after trying to get some attention from him last night, without throwing myself at him); "Alone, I'm used to being alone, even when your hear & at least you'll be making money while you're out running arround". I've thought about withholding sex because I'm angry & using it "to make him want me / to have him do things sexualy that he used to", but I know that's just stupid! Especially because in out 18 year relationship, the only time I've ever witheld sex was almost a Decade ago, when I was planning to leave him over his (then) drug habit & feeling negelected, etc. Things have improved since then, I love & am in love with him & I know he loves me as a person & the Mother of our children, but I'm not sure there's a romantic in love feeling for me anymore. I don't know what to do, have tried little things like mentioned previously, but when I don't see instant results, I get sad, angry, depressed & distant all over again. I also have the bad habit of talking about myself just to talk to him after asking him how he's feeling, what he's got planned for the day & he answers & then it's pretty much it & I'm so desperate to have some kind of attention on me, from him, that I'll run off at the mouth just to have him hear my voice & me to feel I have his attention for a bit. I notice he talks most when talking about his car. I'm not into / have never been into cars, but he realy enjoys them & his, so I've been spending some more time seeing what he's doing & am proud of him. I think I'm lonely / know a large part of it is my low self esteem & not realy knowing how to communicate with him. I want to do fun things with my Husband on occasion, I'd LOVE to take a dance class with him or auto appreciation, something so that we could both take part in each others intrest together or perhaps a cooking course together. I just want us both to be happy & still interested in each other. Yes I know it's been 18 years, but we're both still young (not even 40)! Suggestions anyone?
nvldy nvldy
May 20, 2012