Our Fights Are Just WeirdIt seems in my marriage, my wife and I go like waves, up and down as we argue about the dumbest of dumb stuff over and over.
Yes, it's clear that we're from opposite worlds, I don't know how men and women co-exist mostly. Totally different ways of thinking but my wife and I have a pattern that ****** me off.
Latest fight is a perfect example. Her car. Something is wrong but not epic wrong, just a minor issue but it can't be overlooked. So she asks me about it and I clearly say "I have no idea how to fix that" - let me just say, we both work in the automotive world but not in a mechanical way so it's not like I really could or should know, actually she has a better chance with her background. It's part of the sophisticated electronics in the vehicle, so it's not like a bad sparkplug or battery.
So she says she can't get it figured out and I say 'Lets get it in the dealer and see what they say'
She gets frustrated and says "I can't get time for weeks, this'll take forever" I tell her, call the dealership and see if they're open on Saturday, we can get it in and see what they say. She magically diagnoses the problem and says it'll take all day at the dealership when she really has no idea and goes on to say that it'll ruin her plans for doing things for the weekend. I tell her I'll take her car in if she wants on Saturday, get a courtesy ride home if needed and still get our youngest to dance lessons and we'll make it work out. She gets more upset, her car being gone means to her there's no way to travel - yet, I have a perfectly fine SUV. My parents are 10 minutes away and would help for sure. She just gets mad. Tells me how her running schedule will be all screwed up. I reassure her that I doubt we'd lose the car for the whole day but that's not penetrating her armor.
I tell her I'll take the car in, basically do all the work, all she has to do is call the dealership and see if they can look at it. She refuses to even acknowledge my suggestion as a possible way to go and is getting more and more frustrated saying I don't understand her schedule, understand how little free time she has and how hard it's going to be. It's like she didn't hear a frickin' word I had said!
Finally I snap and tell her she's being totally ridiculous and told her if she could somehow step out of her body and watch us like someone watching TV she'd see one person offering to help over and over and the other person shooting it down over and over. I said it's insane that she is being so tough when all I'm doing is offering to help and basically volunteering to do most of the work. Her precious jogging routine would just move a few hours. Nothing else, seriously! I end a lot of our arguments telling her that the worst part of our fights is that if she would just agree with me, it would solve most of our problems. She's just pig-headed that her drama trumps everything and that I 'don't understand' virtually anything going on.
The weird part is what happens when we cool down. She never says anything clearly, it's all innuendo and mostly by actions that I find out that she agrees with me or is going with my suggestions. I find out Friday night that she called the dealer and they're open Saturday. She never says it, I have to ask what they talked about, what the next steps are, she can't volunteer it. It's impossible for her to just say 'I called the dealer, they're open these hours, could you still take my car in and have it looked at in the morning?' Hell yeah woman, I can do that!
No, she tells me she called the dealer - silence
What is the deal - I ask
Well, they're open tomorrow - silence
Uhm, the service department or just sales?
Service - silence
What do you want to do?
I dunno - silence
OMFG. Woman - just put together the sentence and this dramarama is OVER. You can agree with your husband when he wants to help. You are strong and direct to so many people but you don't ever trust me until after we fight and you 'give in' and let me help. It's ridiculous that you are so passive aggressive with me. Just talk to me, just have a conversation. That's all. I have said those exact words, nicely, sadly, angry - all of the above - and she sits, silently. Never saying that she has even heard what I have said when a head nod or 'Ok' would fix it.
I know a shrink is going to give me some pointers but this is far more her than me. I have had way too many friends and family tell me - even my kids tell me that they don't 'get' my wife and don't understand how she communicates. It's awkward and disconnected like she is afraid to talk and wants me to guess what is going on - or more typically - read her mind. The worst is when we fight and afterwards, she does what I had suggested but never verbalizes it. She just does it and I am left wondering, is this real? She said she hated that idea and then went silent, now, she's ok with it? I'm so damn confused by why this human being cannot look at me, since she said "I do" and say to me "I'm ok with that, let's try it".
No - in her mind it's something else. Maybe it's some form of failure or weakness or I don't know what that she'd have to admit to if I had a way of fixing an issue. I don't want those points, I just want to move through the day helping the woman I love and mother to my kids. But, I hate this - she acts like an enemy making my life more ****** by resisting to things that are so not worth the fight.