3 Years, We Are Roommates.

I am married, with 2 amazing kids, and a husband who is a great person. The thing is, he NEVER talks to me. When he gets home just to have some communication, I have to give him the third degree, just to find out how his day was, and even then, the answers are not anything beyond one word answers. When I tell him, that in order for our marriage to last and work, I need communication, all I ever get in return is "What do you want me to say?!" or "I do not understand what you are saying." I am not sure how I can be more clear. I say I need more communication beyond "What's for dinner" or an occasional funny story about our kids.
I never have any desire to have sex with him anymore, just seems pointless. We have no passion, no romance, nothing. If I suggest we go out for the night, I have to do ALL the planning (the location, the sitter, etc.), and he just goes along and seems to hate it the whole time. I suggest he plans it.... And we never do anything. When I talk about future goals and aspirations (we are 28), I get a grunt or a "that would be cool" but it is entirely left up to me to figure out how it may be possible. When I attempt to ask him about the future... Well you guessed it silence... I do not know what to do. I am so tired of being alone, and feeling like he only married me because it was on a list of things to do in life.
AloneInMarriage AloneInMarriage
4 Responses Jun 13, 2012

well if it helps just a little let me tell you that my marriage is worst than you'res at least the problem you are having is that he doesn't communicates with you and the problem with mine is that I don't get attention at all and it's sad. I think you really have to seat down and tell him how you feel and I know that maybe you have done it a thousand times but keep on trying make him understand that marriage consists of two not just one and he has to take part one way or the other. I think that if you talk to him and you really say hey you know what either this starts to change or I will be forced to a divorce maybe that will really get hes attention and make him think O.K this is serious now I don't know you have to find a way for him to realize it's not just another conversation it's here is where I draw the line. I really hope things change like I said I wish that was the only problem in my marriage I'm only 27 and this sucks really bad I want something different someone I can talk to,someone that I can seat with and have a nice conversation and get in return the same romance and attention but hey where is that person? good luck

and you know what really sucks I see all these guys that are posting comments and I see them wanting attention someone to talk to and communicate with and share at least how there day was and you see them writing about how there wife's seat at one side them on the other one watching t.v and the other on the computer so here I'am thinking to my self they are wanting the same thing i want in a relationship and where were they when I was searching jajaja it happends

I may sound like a *****, but really you have got to love YOURSELF more, and if you are not happy, it's time for your spouse to change or for you to leave. Life is too short. I left my ex and now I'm happy, was with me for 3 years. Now he can't stop calling me and says he loves me and wants to be together again. Well sorry dude, you took me for granted and now I'm single (38 yrs old) and very happy, more confident, and making a good handful of meaningful friends. I know there is more love for me out there, as the human heart has the capacity to love without limits. Do yourself a favor, if counseling doesn't work and you're a wreck, just leave, otherwise you become a prisoner, and you're also the guard. You decide how happy your life is. Please don't think it's ok to stay together for the kids, because they will grow up thinking this is what a relationship looks like and that could be damaging to how they view themselves and in their relationships. Good luck to you. You deserve happiness and someone who cherishes you and loves you and isn't numb.

No worries about sounding like anything. I know I have the option to leave, I have explored it. But While exploring it, I realized how much I love my husband. And he DOES love me, I know he does. After I posted this and read other stories, and got a few replies, I had a renewed "energy" in trying to work things out. I just ordered a few books to read, see if any of them help. If not counseling. Leaving is a last resort. I would NEVER stay in a marriage for the kids, I am the product of one of those marriages, and I hated my parents for staying together for so long.

Thank you a ton for the reply! I appreciate everyone who has commented!!

I wish I had good advise for you. I am living in the same world you are but I am 45 and feel that this is my destiny. You need someone to share your interests and someone to talk to you about anything. It doesn't matter what you talk about but you need the communication or you start to lose who you are. I wish I would have done something a long time ago. You are young and do not need to live this way. I wish you the best.

That is the thing, I do not feel like a doormat, I feel like HE is the doormat. I have been thinking about marriage counseling for sometime now, but fear that he will reject that idea. He is convinced there is nothing wrong with our marriage. I feel there is something deeply wrong. I am a strong independent person, and it almost feels as if he thinks his voice/opinion doesn't matter. I do not know though. All I can do is try and analyze our relationship from both sides. I really do try and see things from his point of view, but with out any input from him, it is hard to say what his viewpoint is. <br />
He is a total mute today because last night I asked him what the point of our marriage was. If I have to do everything alone (planning trips, kids activities, our relationship, errands, etc..), why should I even be with him? I am not the type of person who needs a warm body next to them, just because it is warm. Maybe that is the problem... He doesn't feel needed? Again, the more I try to think it through, it becomes impossible, because I try and cover all ba<x>ses, then when I ask him... Nothing. I hate it.<br />
I know in my heart counseling is the next step. Just have to find the guts to do it, also need to do some soul searching to see if I really feel like it is worth it. If the counseling fails, then what? Divorce? Stay in this for the kids sake? Stay for the comfort level? Ugh. None of those are viable options for me.<br />
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I am sorry that you, too, have been going through similar. Thanks for offering some insight on what it looks like some years down the road. I do appreciate it, and am always willing to hear anything, about way I can try to approach him, or questions I can ask to try and get him to speak (and not ask me what I want to here). <br />
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Thank you so much for responding! I am very relieved to have found this site today! I have spent months and years feeling like my thoughts and feelings are un-justified. My husband is a great man, kind, great father (he has been a dad to my daughter for 4 years now, and she would have it no other way), everything you would want in a spouse.I have felt so guilty about it all. I am SO relieved to know that I am not alone in the thoughts and feelings after reading so many posts.

Bored people are boring. Lonely people are lonely because of choices they make to be lonely.
People are expecting everyone else to cater to their needs. Take care of yourself. If you loved this person enough to actually marry them, then begin to take initiatives in your own growing. Quit expecting them to make sure you are okay. Get whole and healthy on your own. Love them that way and there is quite abit of evidence to prove that works in stimulating a lonely marriage.
If you get a divorce? You will be divorced and lonely. That's what I get all the time from people I see.
Get busy making a life for others and in the process, it comes to you.