Today Is My Birthday....one Of The Hardest Loneliest Days Of The YearFor most of my married life my husband has disappointed me on every birthday, anniversary, valentines day, Christmas....most of the time he gets me nothing and sometimes fails to even wish me a happy one.
In the early years of our marriage he would say things like "sorry hon I didn't get you anything for _(fill in the blank)_ I didn't have any money. I never bought into that excuse because he even used it during our years of "traditional employment" when money was never an issue. But playing along with his bullshit - I would tell him that he didn't need money to give me my idea _(fill in the blank)_ and i would explain to him in detail what he could do for me without spending a dime. In my 20s it would involve candlelit dinner - made or otherwise provided by him I didn't care if at home or out - but for one day I wanted to not be the one to feed us, a body massage, and sex. Easy inexpensive and free if he cooked for me with ingredients in the kitchen. But he never did it for me....one. Instead each year got progressively worse he went from apologizing to doing nothing, to just doing nothing and not acknowledging it....
Then when once every few years I would address it and then he would switch to picking fights with me in the weeks leading up to _(fill in the blank)_ ....I guess so he would have a clear conscious when he did nothing for me.
Occasionally, after I would fight with him over doing nothing for me and not showing his love for me - not ever celebrating me or making me feel good about me he would make a token jesture.
This year I have battling depression and battling a bad flare of fibro pain. so instead of holding my tongue, and in a moment of great sadness, I told him how I was feeling again. That I desperately need to see some type of ex
This year he picked up a bouquet of flowers and a generic birthday card not even a wife one - I think both came from Stewarts. His "presentation" was his typical pathetic ways - he didn't even give them to me. Even though I was here when he came home with them he put them on the counter with my card for me to just find. I have told him before that giving me something that way means little and it isn't giving it to me if you can not at least hand it to me....maybe with a kiss and a demonstation of love.
Am I wrong? I want to build some memories ....in a memory of a lifetime of lonely birthdays.....and christmases....and valentines day....and anniversary.... because we are both getting older....and he way quicker than I (he is 15 years older than me) and when the day comes that I have to live in my memories I won't even remember the flowers he once gave me....or any other of his pathetic half assed attempts.
I ate dinner alone tonight...had a couple of beers alone tonight...he is sound asleep and I will be restless and awake all night because I just had another _(fill in the blank)_ lonely and unfulfilled...