Should There Be Something Special ?

I don't ask for too much from what can be offered.

My marriage is purely a facade of few simple beautiful things.

But inside, there is always the hunger for true companioship between married couples. I long for a good conversation. Something that would add up to spice an endowing curiosity. A conversation that would feed one's innerself for the never ending thirst for a communication. I long for a good adviser who can give me pieces of good stuff about parenthood/children. About their psychological/emotional and physical growth. How they are becoming to be emotional. I long for a man in the family to really act as the man in the house. I long for someone who can give me chance to fullfil and dream, never doubt, but instead support for advancement. I long for someone who can enthrust his trust even without others approval. I need someone who can teach me of things I should know, without criticisms. I long for someone I can laugh with, pass around jokes and fill the gaps when things become empty. I need someone who can be good with my children, someone who'd understand the nature of a child. That whenever things goes wrong, acts as the mediator, the father, the counsellor, a friend and a confidant to my kids. Someone who'd help me rear a brighter and fun loving son and daughter. 

Before, my family goes out for a trip, or a vacation much often. And more often than not during our way home, for some unseen or foreseen reasons arguments would pop in no matter how. It ends up wether in cold silence, heated arguments. My husband would blame everyone except himself. Either way, I hate when it happens every time we go out. So I avoid going out with him. I bring my kids anywhere, in behalf of him. A fight and argument is just what I don't need for my kids seeing while enjoying outdoor.

I needed the genuine laughter. The warmth of a man who would lead his family, support his wife. Apt to throwing in few words with open mind without seeing every thing as a threat, or reason to be suspicious. I long for a real gentle man. Not only to make us look acceptable as people in the neighborhood, not only for others to give us respect, gather praise from close relatives. But also a gentle man/father who is capable of nurturing, building a real healthy family and husband and wife relationship, in front of my growing children.

Update 20150718
So much had been changed, happened since I posted this fact of me. Relationship hasn't improved for the best but I can tell things between my husband has simply became a quiet and plain stagnant. But we seldom fight, at least we've learnt how to avoid each other. Children are now starting to understand the hopeless marriage. They become more independent day by day as I gradually explain how to be flexible with our lifestyle. And time teaches me that he, my husband, needs me and I can be a friend to him if he needed one.
ladyryan ladyryan
46-50, F
53 Responses Jul 20, 2012

I have just read ur story it is heartbreaking to say the least

Life is not a bed of roses. It is full of thorns. It is good to act and stay firm, and consider what way a family will feel/live happily. A happy family or wealthy family rejoice due to the love btw mother and father. I like to see the children smiling and happy whenever they live.

I am sorry you feel that way. I hope you get what you desire.

I feel your pain and longing

Add a response...


You seem to know exactly want a real man will be

It's hard isn't it? To live the lie that everyone sees. I always hear "Oh you guys are so perfect together" etc, etc. I just want to scream the truth at them. I feel like our marriage is a lie and we're only together because the outside world thinks we should be. I wish I had a solution for you, because then I'd have one for me too.

If it were only that easy. Too many people stay together for all the wrong reasons. Good luck to both of you ladies....

I agree with you im in same situation only difference is we sleep in same bed but apart its a king size bed and never are you togather

do wish you would add me

I'm sorry but I don't add for now. But I interact via PMs.

thanks for your reply ill pm you if you don't mind after I read some more of your wonderful stories

You're welcome and thanks for reading.^^

1 More Response

Kind of hits close to home.

wish I could make you happy

sometimes, just a simple hug or a light k
iss on the cheek is all that anyone needs from the other partner. words don't always have to be spoken----sometimes all it takes is a look with love in your eyes.

Add a response...

Sorry, didn't know about this till now. Hope you're doing fine.

I am the same way I don't ask for much just romance, love, and affection. My spouse don't do anything with me no holding hands no kiss just because no touching unless he wants sex don't do anything together don't go anywhere together I'm literally dying inside for affection I'm so lonely and in need of this i don't know what else to do and no conversation he talks to everybody else but not me I need some help very soon

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope things turn out alright for you in the end. I really do.

I am do there. I asked for a divorce or separation or an open marriage. I like her, I love her, I am not in love with her. I have been neglected too long. I am done.

Smiles at Flirtwithme** Thanks for sharing yours in here.

We share the same house and bed but there is no love, no contact. It is just an existence, probably for both of us.

Oh yes, same with me here, we just try to make it all civil.
*smiles* Thanks Smokey.

We hide it well, I'm sure non of our friends know.

That's terrible to hear. I think a couple should be able to enjoy each others company and share their passions. Unfortunately it seems like some lose that passion, and love. In my opinion they should move on before hate sets in. Sometimes the love can be rekindled but it takes both to make it happen. I know that some people will disagree with me, but that's why it's only an opinion. I can only hope that you can find a solution that works for you both and the children too. You need to be happy with your life. Good luck dear lady......

I must say I agreeing to you that passion or love should be there to both to make it happen. But I think it won't happen. I don't sit whining, neither go on resenting the father of my children. I make things life easier for my kids while I'm around, while they need me. And then I can only be happy. taking back the love is not in my dictionary. WE both know we live only for the kids. And he knows, and I know, that it's the children that keeps me being at home. Otherwise, I'd be out. But my kids are growing and I'm preparing them while seeing the disadvantage in my decisions. Thank you for the kind words, Harley.

You are quite welcome. I hope that you and the children are doing as well as can be expected. Take care.....

I really feel for you.
I'm a much older married guy in Uk. If you haven't found what you are looking for, I'm always willing to chat, if it would be any help at all.
why not have a look at my profile and, if you like what you read, msg me.
Peter xx

Oh my! Been searching for the link where I saw your comment.
Finally found this thread. Thank you Peter for the kindness.^^

Has the situation been resolved?

Therealplaya. . . situation hasn't been resolved. But if being quiet and minding each other's business counts, then it is. But we talk about matters concerning our kids. That's all we have to talk about.

Damn girl I couldnt have said it better! My 10 yr marriage used to be a joke, then it became deadly, now its so damn draining. Hell i want to be alone and hate everyone. At least i wont feel like such a fool.

Good luck to you also Msblind1.

You have all these expectations from a man, but what are you willing to offer in return as a woman? It goes both ways.

Agreed, it goes both ways. I know.^^

We married 12-27-1963 and we had a few great years until she was killed in Viet Nam at age 19. and i miss tat silly kid so much

You said it so well. I am 62 and have been married for a long time. It once was a good marriage although I did not really have anyone to talk to the way I like to talk about stuff. He does not talk much and when he does it's just about boring trivial stuff. I like to talk about where the universe ends, why are we here, what happens when we die, is there really a Bigfoot and on and on. I settled and I have learned now in the twilight of my life, no one should ever settle. Life is far too short.

Thank you for sharing them here, Shelley. Glad to know someone who shares the same sentiments.^^

try to contact me i will fulfull your needs.


hallo. sorry about the situation. i hope God changes it sometime and you be happy with your better half because you deserve it nomatter the past. marriages are hard so i hope this helps

Have you tried one ?

Tell me where.

Now I remember why your Avi look familiar. We shared circle before.
Sorry, but I'm not answering your questions. But thank you for reading.

it sounds like you are looking for a mentor.

Do I. . .? =))
btw, your avatar looks familiar to me. How are you doing?

Word for word how I feel in my own relationship, I feel u completely!

Thank you for the kind thoughts.


I think this s wonderfully written and that there are many of us with the same exact hunger..thanks for sharing a part of your heart with us..

Thanks for reading lady.^^ Appreciated.

ladyryan, your story is moving, and your longing aches my heart and wishes you can have what you are looking for. I hope you can work mutually with your husband to realize what you are seeking. But please also remember the limitation of mere humans. A single human being may not have the breadth to be everything and give everything that is asked of. Your husband may be some but not all of the following: good father, good partner, dependable, funny, kind, handsome, healthy, fit, sharp dresser, sexy, empathetic, good talker, good listener, skilled sexually, rich, sharing, ...

My point is, if he excels in many but not all attributes, maybe the others that he falls short on could be worked on by you both. Also, to round out things you cannot get (enough of) from him such as friendship, conversation, attention, laughter, you should make friendships. Your friends can provide some of these. If you are in a sexless marriage, you can look for sex outside of marriage. There is nothing wrong in getting what you are missing from outside. If your marriage provides you with most but not all, don't break it, just get it from friends and lovers.

I live in a sexless marriage. We do not have sexual intimacy and friendship anymore. But it is a good marriage in other ways. So I look for that with my friends and lovers. Peace.

I can surely agree to everything you said and proposed Raisenthor. I won't go against anything you've written. We're not capable of all the things we desire as much as others are not always willing to extend hand when they have their own limitations and weaknesses. I've accepted that all from my husband, it's just that sometimes it irritates me. Haha

Well written. You have a story to tell. One that many of us would love to know that we are not alone. Longing for more does not equate to ungratefulness or selfishness it simply implies that more should come from the promises made long ago. Thank you for sharing.

You're mostly welcome Marry4love. Sharing my thoughts has helped a lot. And thankful people like you can take time to share in their thoughts. I really don't share much of this negative side of my life, since it is how it is. But always happy when I can find the words to relate. Likewise thanks.

Nicely written. This pretty much sums up how I feel in my own marriage.

Thanks Bob. Can you guess how many years I have been summing up those words in my life? Fourteen years.Finally it was written. Thanks for the thumbs up.^^

Ladyran, I'm in the same boat for the same amount of time. It sucks, but it 's how it is.

dear lovely sometimes things don't go the way we expect but don't let anything get you down you are to gorgeous and have to much to offer to the world so don't lose your smile for nothing or no one kisses eddie

Eddie. . . I wonder what happened to the puctuation marks. he he jk Thanks reading and for you kind words.

u r a big gal

Thanks for reading.^^

My heart goes out to you and i can imagine what you have beautifully portrayed.
After my not so good marriage i have lived alone for 30 yrs. Was too scared to take
another chance but now am convinced its a bigger curse to live alone. So when I said you are a big girl, i meant its all in the package. You cannot change people.

That is a good post. However, have you done the things a man needs? Maybe he will fulfill your needs, or at least listen to your needs and work on fulfilling them, if you fulfill his!

oh yess-s-s! to my best judgement. I have done things more than what is expected of me. Peace to you Twentyoneme.^^

I share these desires. What's worse, I had something pretty close and then was widowed. I remarried a few years after thinking I would have it again, but I don't. I don't feel you are asking for something unreasonable. Our husbands/lovers/partners should, on some level, want to be these things for us, as we do for them. I really hope you can find the things that your heart is longing for!

It's really nice to know I'm not alone with this thoughts. Finding people who. An relate with mine is gives warmth. Thanks for sharing yours also.

appreciate the kind words

All I can say is that I know EXACTLY what you mean...

Thanks for the kind words.

I couldn't have said it better myself. The only difference is I've asked my husband to leave and he refuses.

Sorry to know about that. Thanks for sharing this to me, Wildoneforever.

Seems like a known story for many married people. However, i extend myself for some relief and sotthing feelings whenever i can.. will you accept it

**clicked Like**^^)

So, reading the comments, and your replies, and the story of course, I reach a sad conclusion. You stay with your husband because of the love for your kids. Are you doing your children really justice with that? Children are way more sensitve than adults, parents especially,care to admit.<br />
<br />
I feel for you, but I honestly feel you should rethink this.

Thanks Idon, I am well aware of those things and I appreciate your commenting. I'll take your words to mind.

Can absolutely relate to your first paragraph. Longing for real conversation - an actual bonafide intellectual discussion with a man who can hold his own and who isn't needy! Dammit! When do I get to be the girl in this relationship? Many reasons why I can't leave - and fortunately kids are not involved, but seriously, sitting through dinner out is painful because there is literally nothing to talk about. Our interests are worlds apart yet he always seeks approval from me, and I find that so not sexy. Huge turnoff. Had great deep conversations with my college boyfriend, and have never had it in any relationship since. So then what happens? You lack it for ten years or so and you go online trying to find it to fill in the gaps. It's sad, really.

LOL! I can totally agree. I laugh at the thought that online can suffice that need. But really online connection is full of charm. The more I go deeper the more you'd feel restless and lonely. And I am learning my lessons.
And I can agree, communication or rather no topic to talk about is the most irritating scenario between couples. Except when it regards about the kids. He cant even relate to the kind of career I pursue, let alone support. And this has been dragging for years before I realized, it is sad. Thanks Smart for sharing in yours.

Wow I wanna man like that too... O wait I am a man. Ladyryan you have created this perfect guy in your mind and hubby isn't keeping up with that image. The real question is how come? Sorry to say it but the key to any relationship is communication. If your fighting you might want to as yourself is this fight really worth fighting for? Are you arguing over who got the marshmallows or are you arguing over where the next paycheck is going. Give a little take a little I guess. Your not going to change the hubby either however you can compromise on some of the other issues. Hope this helps good luck.

Aww dont be so heartless. . . LOL!
Just to tell this quick and short. He doesn't have the check. I have all the Aces. My husband being a loser, has disclaimed himself. The only thing that keeps me with him are my kids and my inlaws support for my kids if I stay with them. And after this, is another yet another story.

ladyryan; I wish you had mentioned this in the beginning your not interested in fixing things your just keeping it a float for the kids. Are you really benefiting them by keeping him around? He is a role model for them. I guess you have to ask yourself if its worth it, if not just leave him. I make it sound so easy. I know its not. Good luck--

yeah you make it sound so easy. LOL! Or you can talk to his brothers in my behalf. ha ha. Thanks. But over all, I feel secured when I can see my kids calling the guy "father" and thought of us as family. But there would be time, when they'd be okey left alone. As of now I enjoy my kids growing and my job, and few friends who gives me support on ideas with rearing children here in foreign land. I value those friends.

Thanks Heartlesswolf2. Where's Heartlesswolf1? teehee^^

1 More Response

This is what happens, you dream for something and when you get it, you do not know value of it..

Can't argue with you, can I.^^ Thanks Dilfek.

You can always.. I am open for discussion. I might be wrong.. I would be happy if you prove me wrong

Some times I just do not understand men, they have a beautiful and sexy wife and they do not care. If you were my wife I would make love to you everyday.

aww make love. . . everday. . . wow! LOL! Thanks for the comment Pete.^^

Sad. Well said, thoughtful and heartfelt ex<x>pression and it's sad.

**smiles** Thanks Sean. Sad indeed. But glad I let it out my system. Now I can dream. Thanks for reading and warm comment.^^

i could not of said it any better lady

Thank you Gypsy for the words.

I feel your pain, I pray that God grant you your heart's desire.

Thank you Freezy.^^ Thanks also for writting in.

I don't know how I came across this post. I was googling something totally different but when I saw the title I stuck around to read your prose. I identify with it so much it's almost frightening. I too have little connect to my husband of five years. We just had our second child so I feel stuck. I feel we just have different expectations for relationships. We are just different. BUT he is a wonderful father. That's why I don't leave him. Well, thank you for giving he chance to see I'm not alone in my loneliness.

You're welcome Cluzak. We are all unique. We may be lonely like others, but the nature is different with how it affects us entirely, and also situations varies.
I also do compare my situations with others, and see how they deal with their situation. It's good you are certain of your feeling for your husband. Thanks for reading.

Trying to give some constructive criticism here, so I hope you take this the right way. There were two red flags in your words that troubled me.<br />
<br />
"I long for someone who can enthrust his trust even without others approval."<br />
<br />
This longing you have is rather dangerous. Beautiful as it seems at first, the end result is that the person giving such trust will slowly become isolated from friends and family to be emotionally devoured by their spouse.<br />
<br />
"I need someone who can teach me of things I should know, without criticisms."<br />
<br />
I know we all hate criticism, but it is how we learn. Now it is true some can be overly critical, and they may seem cold and harsh in doing so. Not everyone is meant to be a mentor.<br />
<br />
All in all though I wish you the best.

Oh Neo, I love being taught of things I am not aware and anything that gives me the right visions. I am for positve outlooks. It just how the man I trust could deliver them to me. I think I have to say this first. . .I take all your words with good heart. I should have added more about the negative parts. But productive and constructive criticims are words that works with me well. A person not capable of percieving that fact could be wasting his time with me. This wasn't the case during our early years in marriage. But things changed, and I can compare culture difference and individual characters. And I change and so is with how I accept others principles. I should have added here, that he shares his own children's negative traits for the purpose of getting my or those kids criticized. He talks about our sexless marriage to a lousy friend. LOL! He always tell me I never listen, I listen if you tell me logical facts to support your ideas. And not out of emotions and just series of complaints, about the things you can't do anything yourself. LOL! Neo, I thank you for helping me let this out off my chest. I never talk much about my husbands negative side. It just makes me feel awful. I just want to extend that I appreciate your commenting.

Oh I am certain there are plenty of negative things to say. No one is perfect and there are always problems to point out. And maybe yes, maybe he is more negative than positive. However you can not change him, you can only change yourself. Nor am I saying yo change yourself for him, but simply to look at your own image and allow your flower to blossom. This way if you stay with him, you can at least better enjoy yourself. If you move on, then you will have more to offer the next man. "Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

aww I admire your mind. again thanks^^

I wish I could help in some way, you seem like a geat lady.

Aww Pete thank you for reading and writing in. And also for the PMs that sends a good laugh from time to time. They can already make my day. ^^

This is heart breaking to read. :( You are so lively and filled with a passion for life and love for your kids and I think the right man would have a wonderful companion with you. I don't know if you are now or will ever be in a position to leave.....I hope so or else I hope there might come a time when your current hubs sees that there is a much better way to live......hugs and hugs for having the strength to carry on and make life good for your kids.....

Thank you Sierra. I am not much into sharing about my marriage life. But obviously, whenever I think of my children things would just flow out radomly. They are my life. Being a parent is really tough, one needs to be emotionally and psycholgically flexible. Not forgetting the physical stregnth caring, tending for the needs of two. How much more for those mums who have more than that. They should be superwomen.

I so admire folks who are so dedicated to their kids. I am totally blessed with great parents and maybe that's why I admire it so much in others. It is a hard job too.....

Well said... I too have lived this life... I wish you all the best in your quest... I wish you peace...

Thank you Chick. I have been seeking for the best, from the worst of my feelings. And finding peace from the rags.

I am so sorry you have this in your life. That kind of "empty" is the deepest, darkest void.<br />
<br />
A relationship that has lost connectivity, communication, compassion, humor and passion is not a relationship at all ... it is merely co-existence. Everyone deserves better than that.<br />
<br />
I certainly hope that you find the "right" relationship at some point in your life.

You're right, merely co-existence. Sad as it is, but true. I just hope that my husband would also realize how I see it. Mere co-existence. Laffs thanks for taking time reading and commenting.

Well written and obviously from the heart. Just from knowing you here on EP I believe you to be a great lady with intelligence and beauty. What you dream about is certainly not too much to ask. You deserve so much more.

Thank you Rocky. Words of friends like you build me up.^^)