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I Had A Talk With My Husband

This morning, I woke up feeling like a mack truck ran over me. All I did was get out of my bed and go into my husband's bed.  He was up and dressed, on his way to get some things at the store.  

I wake up with this inner pain and extreme loneliness.  It's so strong that I feel as if I could burst into tears at any moment.  That's why I'm here now, trying to release some of it by doing what comforts me most...writing.

I'm laying in bed on my side, my back to my husband who is sitting on the bed.  This inner pain and loneliness is killing my heart, just as it is right now that I'm writing.  I say, "Babe, don't you ever miss, US?"  He says, "What do you mean?" I say, " The way we use to be, just laying in bed, holding each other, talking, making love, just you and me....lost in each other."  He says, "Yes, I miss it."  I hold back my tears, I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's my pride because we've had this conversation before and it got us nowhere.  Just like this one will also get us nowhere.  Inside, my mind is screaming, "Please come and lay with me, hold me tight, I need you!"  There's only silence, I hear the click of the tv remote.  That's my answer.....no love for Lily.

So here I am writing again, listening to music, tears running down my face.....trying to comfort myself.

I guess I shouldn't complain so much, other people have it much worse.  

I keep telling my husband, one of us may not be here tomorrow.  I wonder what he has going on in his mind that he cannot open his eyes and see how we are here now and we need to comfort and love NOW, tomorrow may be too late.  

I am seeing  quick flashes of my past married life, more pain than happiness.  I see how my children who suffered because of their dad always being gone on his drinking binges, have quickly forgiven him.  Of course they would, they love their father.  Just as I love my two father's that were never there.  

So yes, I am married but very lonely.  Why I continue to stay, I'm not sure, will I always stay, don't know that either...  
TexasLily TexasLily 51-55, F 17 Responses Aug 3, 2012

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You are not alone I go through the same phase at times, please do not do anything you will regret you are special and keep telling your self that. There are times when feelings seem unbearable , but if you have patience you will get through this horrible lonely phase <br />
Some times when I talk to my other half it ends up in an argument then after the same problem is hanging in the air . I just say a fiew words how I i am feeling and leave it as that.<br />
And then I keep my self busy thinking and doing things that keep my mind off the situation, but I know the lonelyness is still there, but theses situation needs time and patience to solve this problem.

Hi ingosi, yes, it does seem to come in phases. In my older years, the loneliness seems stronger. When the kids were younger, well I was very busy with them. I find so many online people who seem to need the same thing I need. Unfortunately, they are not here, he is.

When one or both in the marriage treats the other like furniture it isn't, IMHO, that they don't care, its because they simply have become so used to the other person's presence that they simply get taken for granted. My own view is that you need to restore some form of the courtship to the relationship (again, all this is just my own opinion) which takes conscious effort by both parties and isn't as easy as it sounds.<br />
Marriage certainly has its ups and downs... that's for sure.

sure does Fiz, we have been thru our ups n downs. figured now when it seems smooth things between us could get better. idk...

I had a similar talk with my wife (ex) and it went about the same. "Don't you have some bill's to pay or something?" was her response. Never did understand her reluctance to be intimate?

WOW, so sad how couples become so distant, shouldn't be that way, life is too short.

I agree. I even tried to explain it, but it fell on uncaring ears?

You are not complaining...you just want what a marriage should be...that isn't too much to ask! I'm so sorry you are going through this...I was finally able to walk away from a bad marriage after 20 years and let me tell you what...if you do decide to move on and start a new life...it gets better! ((((hugs))))

yeah, I *sigh* when I think about how much better it could be, mmm mmm, lol!!!

I just read your story and I feel as if you are saying my words.. My husband is not much of a drinker but he doesnt show me the love that a husband should show his wife.. He doesnt realize that like you said that one of us could be gone tomorrow. He comes from a family who do not show their feelings well and take life for granted all the time. But yet I stay like you I dont know why and like you there are more sadness than happiness.. And your body mind and soul ache for his touch and comfort.. I am glad I am not alone in this... Thank you for sharing

HAHA, funny you should say that Becnme, I have always said that he and I are more like very good friends than husband and wife. You hit it right on the nail!!! No one can make me laugh like my husband, I just wish he would be more intimate with me. I don't know why I expect him to change now, he was never this way. It's more like we just had sex. How wonderful it would be to have a man love my mind, body and soul....

I'm sorry things are they way they are. Ignoring you totally is not healthy. There should be shared intimacy, even if it's just a cuddle. Husband and wife have a moral obligation to each other and he is not holding up his part of that. It sounds more like two good friends rather than husband and wife.

Hello Shawn26. Yes, when I wrote this earlier, I was in extreme emotional pain. It's much better now. Yeah, a trip alone would probably do me some good. Something to think about....:-)

Hi Lena, yes, I am very loyal in some way, not all. The marriage vows, In sickness and in health keep coming to my mind. I feel like that is what GOD would expect of me and what I expect of myself. It's not all bad, he does make me laugh a lot, I have always said this. Thnaks for your comment...:-)

Nightowl, love that name because I am a nightowl...:-) I feel like I have to stay with him. He has had 3 strokes and he's not the same physically, mentally and emotionally. The things is as far as the closeness between us, it was never what I wanted. I have always said, we don't make love, we have sex. Now we don't even have that. Too many issues to fix. He won't go to therapy with me but I keep hearing my vows in my mind, In sickness and in health. He is in sickness now. Maybe if I ever found a man close to what I want, I could leave. He would have to be a VERY special man...:-)

Thank you Lily, it is Nite Howl by the way. I just push the two together.
Now back to you. Yes do take a trip away for a bit. A few days at least. Have a wild night with someone and above all relax. You will still be with your hubby. Get what you need! It will help relax you and then you can figure out better how to deal with the current home thing. You may need to incorporate an outside interest for the emotional needs you have. Those will not go away. Admittedly, I wish I was closer to help you sort things out. There are answers, Really. But! You CAN NOT ignore you either. No point in both of you doing that. Then when you take care of hubby day to day, you can do so relaxed and resolved. What part of Texas?

So sorry Nighthowl, I got it now, lol. I live in South Texas, close to Corpus Christi, Texas.

My Darling lily, <br />
I feel for you. I am sorry that you are being put through this hellish existence. I can hear the pain and anguish in your words. It's not fair and it's not your fault. I suggest planning for a little get-a-way, if he does not want to go, tell him your friends are planning something and go with them. You could benefit from a little time away to steal a few moments of peace and happiness. My darling find hope for a better tomorrow.

Well, it is time even with tears in your eyes to ask if it will be him that you get your feelings from or someone else? The next breath says, "But I don't want it from someone else, I want you. Are you still here with me?" Then remain quiet till you get an answer. No answer is an answer. But you need words. If there is not a response stay with him, follow from room to room til he understands your waiting on an answer in words. If you say anything at all after a time passes and you are following him around and he looks at you in silence only ask, "Well?" With hope in your eyes. Then never say another word till he comes around, even if it is days. Should a few days pass and he ask about anything not on your subject your response is, "Well"? He will know what that means. If he says what are you talking about say "The subject has never changed from when I spoke last. I am waiting on my answer as to who?" You know what to say from there but, always stay pleasant, never any stress in your voice as he will clam up other wise. This is when he KNOWS you mean business and now is the time to speak up. If he he still doesn't respond let me know and we will go from there. A little shock value goes a long way. Talk to me in a few days. I am not hard to find.<br />
<br />
I do trust this may have been helpful in some way.

sorry, you're feeling lonely. I noticed as I get older, I reminisce about the past and things were when I was young. I believe you're staying because you believe that marriage is till the end, and also you're a very loyal person. maybe you can do the first move instead of him; start touching him gently and in sensual way; kiss him; and maybe he'll start doing the same. And if he doesn't; he's the one who will be sorry he didn't show his love when he was still alive.at least you tried.

Hello inthedark, very good. Glad you are making plans. I guess because I so wanted my children to have a father, like I never did, so I stayed. I figured half a father was better than none. There are some reasons I can't go now but who knows what the future may hold. Thanks for commenting. Wish you the best in your future.

I also asked what do you wrte bout cause I also enjoy writing, was not about other thngs.

Hi Pmacphoto. It's not just about making love. It's also about just holding each other, talking softly about things, the feeling of two warm bodies being close. I started writing mostly about my PTSD. Then later about other things, anything really. I just love to write. When I would go into my flashbacks, I had to be writing. It was the greatest comfort, well that and crying to release my inner pain. It's not so bad now, as far as flashbacks go anyway. Thanks for commenting.

I miss that too, but it`s not her fault, due to diabetes and car accident that injured her back it has been 5 years since I have had any intimacy with anyone. What do you enjoy writing about, I also enjoy writing.

How do you stay monogamous?

I used to belong to another group called EONs and I had 4 years worth about my PTSD and they disappeared. I had poems and stories but my blog about my PTSD really hurt