I Had A Talk With My HusbandThis morning, I woke up feeling like a mack truck ran over me. All I did was get out of my bed and go into my husband's bed. He was up and dressed, on his way to get some things at the store.
I wake up with this inner pain and extreme loneliness. It's so strong that I feel as if I could burst into tears at any moment. That's why I'm here now, trying to release some of it by doing what comforts me most...writing.
I'm laying in bed on my side, my back to my husband who is sitting on the bed. This inner pain and loneliness is killing my heart, just as it is right now that I'm writing. I say, "Babe, don't you ever miss, US?" He says, "What do you mean?" I say, " The way we use to be, just laying in bed, holding each other, talking, making love, just you and me....lost in each other." He says, "Yes, I miss it." I hold back my tears, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's my pride because we've had this conversation before and it got us nowhere. Just like this one will also get us nowhere. Inside, my mind is screaming, "Please come and lay with me, hold me tight, I need you!" There's only silence, I hear the click of the tv remote. That's my answer.....no love for Lily.
So here I am writing again, listening to music, tears running down my face.....trying to comfort myself.
I guess I shouldn't complain so much, other people have it much worse.
I keep telling my husband, one of us may not be here tomorrow. I wonder what he has going on in his mind that he cannot open his eyes and see how we are here now and we need to comfort and love NOW, tomorrow may be too late.
I am seeing quick flashes of my past married life, more pain than happiness. I see how my children who suffered because of their dad always being gone on his drinking binges, have quickly forgiven him. Of course they would, they love their father. Just as I love my two father's that were never there.
So yes, I am married but very lonely. Why I continue to stay, I'm not sure, will I always stay, don't know that either...