Married To Bpd/is Love Enough?

i've been married for 10 years. my husband suffers from a mental illness called bpd, depression, anxiety disorders. most of my marriage has been a roller coaster. some months we were hot, connected, laughter. others were like living in hell. walking on egg shells never knowing what mood i would face. as our marriage progressed and we had children and he had more responsibilities, we had less of the good times until they disappeared and i was left with a shell of the person i fell in love with. we tried martial counseling for a year. but he couldn't handle what i had to say in therapy, so his therapist thought it would be best if he saw him without me. we separated 3 years ago, after he was sent to a mental institute for a few weeks and he finally convinced me all the mean things he said were true. he rather live alone. i disgusted him. he would have been happier without me,. it took me a long time to accept that our marriage was over. i've known him since i was a teenager, dated him 2 years before we married and tried to build a family with him. even though my marriage was ugly at times, i love him.
we didn't divorce for financial reasons. we just lived separate lives. because of his illness our 3 kids live with me all the time. he comes and visit in my apt several days a week. last spring i started spending time with another man. he wanted to date me, but i was more interested in friends with benefits. i was not ready to be in another relationship after the one i've been in thats taken up half of my lifetime. anyway, when my husband saw that i was spending time with this other man, he had a epiphany that he doesn't want to loose me and the kids. he doesn't want to be replaced. he been doing his therapy, taking on responsibility, trying to prove himself to be a better man. i want to believe that things can be different. but he has trouble with intimacy...sex, affection, communication, playfulness, spending time together. i know my needs are high maintenance when it comes to those things. i am touchy freely, playful like a kitten, flirty...i like to enjoy life and show the person my love through affection. and i have trouble trusting him, his words and bridging the gap that has formed these past 3 years. the kids want us to be a family. when we are with the kids, things look good. but when they go to sleep he likes to be alone and i do my own thing so he can have his own space but my needs are not being met. the desire to stray is strong. i can not talk to him about my feelings easily because of his reactions. i have to word myself carefully and try not to make him feel like he being attacked or blamed. i have to email him my feelings in a careful manner, and await his response. which can take days to a weeks to address.
we are still living separately. we are trying to date. but honestly i don't know if i'm doing the right thing. i love him unconditionally. i know he has his mental illness and he didn't ask to have it. i know i committed myself for sickness and in health. i did not know he had mental illness until after we had our first son and got married. when we lived in separate houses he hid it from me. either way, i feel unsatisfied with my relationship. is love enough? can we be a real couple in a healthy marriage?
bellaluna703 bellaluna703
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

yuh know when love calls us we shouldn shut the door back at it.....your husband is mentally ill he cannot sattisfy u anymore...poor guy...i understan but yuh cant live your entire life like a widow...yuh need that luv...yuh need that touch...so let your hubby be in his place.....yuh do things to satisfy yourself....