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Divorce

I have been playing this over in my mind for some time, I need to push myself to move on. I know I stay as a comfort and convience, trying to find the right time (is there ever a right time). I do love him and I don't want to hurt him and I want the best for him. He feels that I treat him bad, I ignore him, I don't cater to him like I use to, I don't love him, I am cold, etc.(All untrue statements, I am distant and guarded, he just can't controll me anymore) So I don't understand if I treat you soo bad why do you want to stay with me?
I don't understand!!!!
WPeace WPeace 36-40, F 14 Responses Nov 21, 2012

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My cousin and I were talking about this subject today...how do you finally decide it's time for "you". After my sons moved out, I told my husband I lost who I was. I was tired of doing everything. I was leaving. I have always been his wife, their mother but I was never "me". I always let him do whatever he wanted to do, go where ever he wanted to go. I raised the boys. If we didn't have a sitter, I'd stay behind with the boys. I made his doctor appts, his haircut appts, etc. I did it all. I love my husband. I am not in love with him. We have great sons, great friends and a great family. The problem is, we have grown apart. He told me to take time and find myself. I have discovered myself. Right now, I am content but not truly happy. After 30 yrs of marriage, his countless affairs, my current affair, separate bedrooms since 2008, separate vacations...we have a platonic, sexless marriage. We still take family vacations with our sons and their girlfriends. We go out with friends. Do the family thing. To look at us, no one would know the difference. We generally get along as best friends. We have discussed getting divorced, yet so many times we've said we're not good together, but we are worse apart. So here I am. I know I am selling myself short. There is so much life out there for me to live. I just need to take the next step and put "me" first. I deserve it. I just need the strength to step out of the comfort zone I live in.

O my, you sound soo much like myself!!! I can soooo understand you, doing for everybody but myself. I really have lived my life for everyone else besides myself. Making all appointments, paying the bills, cleaning, cut the lawn, showel the snow, shopping, preparing meals, school functions, sports practice and games, working full time. Staying behind when there was no sitter. Allowing him to do whatever he wanted. I believe I allowed him to grow but he didn't allow me to grow. We also sleep in different areas of the house. I felt that I was being a good wife and good mother. I would do most of it all over, I have a wonderful son that is in his first year of college. I just wanted my husband to respect and appreciate me. I love him very much, he is all I really know. It is soo hard!!! Stepping out of that comfort is how we grow as individuals. One thing I have to give your husband credit for is agreeing with you going to find yourself! Mine doesn't understand what that means and he doesn't care what he wants me to do it with him and under one roof!!! It is very exhausting!! Good Luck to You!!

Thank you. I am sure there are many of us out there who, in giving all, sacrificed who we were. Finding myself, is the best thing I could've done. I took my first vacation without my family at 45. I go dancing with my friends. We go shopping in Palm Springs. We take girls weekends in Vegas. We have slumber parties. My sons told me I no longer have to worry about them, I did my job and I did it great. They said they are happy that I"m happy and enjoying life. Everytime I remember them saying that, it brings tears to my eyes. It means so much to me that they are supportive. I hope that your husband will realize he needs to let you find yourself. It is very hard to take that first step but you need to take it for you. You are the only one that can put yourself first! You have my support. Keep in touch!

That is wonderful to hear. My son is my support, he just wants me to be happy, he is a great person, I am very proud of him. I have been doing a lot more things with my friends and family but it is hard because my husband is sad because he feels neglected. He surrounds his happiness around me and looks to me for his happiness. I will go and do things but then I have to deal with the attitude, argue, and fighting. It becomes very draining. My husband is very controling and manipulating. I can grow in this marriage but it would take a lot longer because I have to fight against him. He has his own issues and none of this will change until he deals with them. Thank you for your support! I added you!

I re-read you story. I need to push my H to divorce too. I know I will be the one forced to ask. But neither my H nor friends or family will understand. He loves me. I just do not love him, But, I don't want to hurt him and I want the best for him. He feels that I treat him bad, I ignore him, I don't cater to him like I use to, I don't love him, I am cold, etc. All true statements morover, I am distant and guarded. So I don't understand if I why he can't just LEAVE?

I understand all that you are saying. I do love my husband, we have just outgrown each other. What happened to make you stop loving him? I am distant and guarded as well but mine comes from him hurting me.

My problem is I have kids with him and I don't want to be away from them for a moment. I don't want to share them. I am also too afraid they will be a casualty

My son was a lot of the reason I didn't leave, it is hard when there are children involved!!

I do understand. It's all about being worn down, after trying repeatedly to make things right somehow, negotiating, compromising, even making offers free and clear that benefit your partner only in the hope of inspiring a little reciprocity. But the other is perfectly comfortable the way things are, and is only willing to placate temporarily at best, with the only objective being to defuse the crisis. It devours your soul a little more each time until there's no caring left besides the wishing them well on your way through the door. That's where I am today.

I ask the same questions yet he stays! One day I will have the strength to say leave me. My BF hopes sooner rather than later

I finally took my first step towards divorce. I told him it was over and that I deserve to have an opportunity to find happiness. He tried to argue a bit but I shut it down with "I know you will be relieved once you have had time to think about it". Then I said I wanted him to find happiness too and wished him well.

I have told my H the same thing, but as long as I am in the house he feels there is still a chance. I don't want to give him false hope, he has not excepted that it is over. At the same time I am not going to leave my house and be homeless . I am working on relocating. I do wish him well, I hope he makes some changes within himself to improve himself. It is hard for me to see the man I love but don't want to be with hurt.

Yr hubby sound like my hubby toward me,,,,,, One thing i want to be happy and i want to feel control myself,,,,,,not him try to control me and my happiness..... I do love my hubby all my heart and my soul but we r having too many problems in the marriage it is not funny anymore...... i want to give up and move on my life..... maybe god will bless me a great guy in my life again,,,,, i been marriage to my hubby for 16 years,,,,, he drvie me crazy,,,, plus i am getting to much anger and hate in my heart toward him......right now i am going to fix myself, heart of mine, change my ways,,,,, and find old myself again,,,,, because i miss me,,,, i didnt like that person i become during those years of marriage because my hubby..... Now it is time for me,,,,,, not my hubby anymore....... So good luck and god bless u.... if u really need talk to me about anything,,,,, let me know,,,, i like to have to new friends

I am aware that my husband can not make me happy, however he can support my dreams. I know GOD has something in store for me, something grand. I will just be still and patient. Thank you !!! :-)

We stay for the same reasons: familiarity, comfort, history...etc. But we also stay for love. We do love you even if we don't show it in the right way or enough. We need to feel wanted/needed/appreciated. If we feel you pulling away, we do the same. We don't want to give up. Love and marriage are not simple social contracts, they are our life-blood. The connection goes deeper than you can imagine, and our expression of fear and hurt is only our way of describing our pain in an immature way.
You have to be honest enough to admit that YOU need something else. He'll have to deal with the pain, but it's only honest.

I agree with a lot of what you say. However it is not always so cut and dry. I know marriage is not perfect and it is not always fair. I do pull back because I can't take the pain. Some times we grow apart from our mates if there is no trust, honesty, or communication. We also have to deal with our own issues. Both partys have to want to make a change. I do need something else, Me.
It is almost like I can't have me and have my marriage at the same time! Sad but true!!

I do understand what you are saying. It is a sad fact of life that things change. You deserve you...and you deserve to have a trusting relationship. I'm not really trying to play "Devil's advocate", I just wanted to put the opposite spin on the situation: men don't like change, and we don't want to feel like we've been a dissapointment. That's the hard part of accepting that our mate needs more. I'm not saying that you (or your husband, for that matter) don't deserve a better situation...some of us don't necessarily recognize that growth, maturity, and lessons can be better than accepting the status quo.

Yes things do change and people do grow at different levels. I really do appreciate your male opinion. My husband has told me the same thing "Men don't like change". However if we don't change we won't grow. Everyone needs growth in their lives. I am a loving, compassionate person and he is sensitive and stubborn. His way is the only way he sees, I try to encourage him to see things in other perspectives. I so want him to understand things!!!

You are right. Change and growth are part of our human experience. Some people are so resistant to change that we neglect our own true needs. I am sad for you and him, but your strength may be what he needs to grow. Your need for change and growth may eventually be a gift to both of you. Hopefully, it turns out to be a blessing.

Consider a tree. If you plant it in a pot, its growth will be limited. Once its roots fill that pot, it can grow no further. The problem is not the tree, its the environment. You may have bigger things in your heart that your present environment can not facilitate. This is why God will stir you out of a comfortable situation. When you go thru rejection, it is not always because someone has it in for you. Sometimes its Gods way of redirecting you, and getting you to stretch to the next level. Sometimes we will not go without a push, so God will make it uncomfortable for you to say where you are currently. We often make the mistake of getting negitive and discouraged, we focus on what didn't work out. When we do that, we inhibit the opening of new doors.

Have you read any Joseph Campbell? Most heroes don't go onto their journey willingly. God sometimes has to step in and forcibly remove us from growth-limiting circumstances. We're not all strong enough to do it ourselves, so we have to thank God (or whatever higher power you may believe in) for getting us out of our own way.

No I haven't , but I am always open for new material. I will have to do some research on him. SOO true we do get in our own way, I know I do!! :-) Thanks again!

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Guess you have been taken for granted. You need to act to prove that you are serious. Unfortunately we never get support for divorce from society like how we get for wedding. So we need to push ourselves.

Yes you are correct! I need to push harder and faster! This site has helped me soo much. Its good to hear others stories, makes me not feel so alone and gives me more strength. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate your encouraging words.

Wow...this made me cry....(perhaps it struck a chord?).....I hope you find out what it is you want......we all deserve that.....

Aww, don't want to make anyone cry! I know what I want, it's me moving my feet n getting it.... we do deserve it. Thanks!

My mistake was being like a flip flop. Trust your gut and take control from the beginning. You don't need to be mean or even say much. Get your ducks in a row. Know what you want and what you want your life to look like. If you don't know, can you at least say to yourself that this statement is true: I don't know what I want it to look like but I know it isn't this. Stick to your guns and for goodness sake don't be nice just to be nice thinking you will win brownie points. You won't, ever. Rule number one and the only rule: What is in the best interest of the kids if there are any.

I do have alot planned out however nothing is going to be perfect so I feel like I just need to take that first step. Yes I can say that statement. One child that is in college

I remember saying the same thing. That is a big red flag!

Big red flag?

Someone telling you how horrible you are all the time but yet they want to stay with you.

O okay! Yes, don't understand that, that's because they really don't mean it!

Oh, it's a control method. Someone who thinks they are horrible, incompetent, stupid, a loser...that person isn't likely to stick up for themselves, disagree with a decision their partner makes, or walk out.
So they DO want you to stay...to the point that they have to emotionally abuse you in order to make sure you won't feel strong enough to leave.

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the thing is ... you don't know what you've got til it's gone ... or if it threatens to go ... he's getting scared that he'll have to operate outside his comfort zone, which is understandable, but we all have to grow up and move on.

Correct. He knows he had a diamond, but he didn't treat it as such. I try to encourage him to work on himself, I have givin my all to him, now its time to give my all to myself. Stepping out of your comfort zone is hard but it is needed for growth.

And that's similar to what I am dealing with with my wife. You know, the one who is committing suicide on me every other day to keep me from leaving her? I've realized that she knows she screwed up bad with me, and so, because she will never be able to find another guy to put up with her, her only option seems like leaving this earth.... I find your situation pretty similar.

I just can't understand why people want to make others unhappy. They use whatever tactic they can to get what they want. I believe if my husband worked on somethings within himself he would be a great man for someone. I have just endored too much to be that woman. This will not only help me but in the long run it will also force him to make some nec. changes. If I stay, he will not do the work, he will stay in his same pattern and same comfort zone

At leaSt you have that option, mine wants me to believe that if I leave, she dies.

That is such a selfish act, she is a serious manipulater.

exactly, I agree with you WPeace ... people can be so selfish but threatening suicide constantly is just awful.

It's a whole new level of pathetic, thank you ladies

I don't understand it and frankly I don't want to.

You are welcome ambroseguy80. Thank you! Hoping the best for you and your situation.

Thanks same to you WP. I got her good today at the lunchtime call. She's been hinting lately that she is going to do it on Sunday night. On today's call she talked about taking our baby out of pre-school (he's 4) because she isn't happy with it. I sAid 'oh good, that means you'll be stAying around a long time then!' She back-pedaled like you wouldn't believe! Lol

Ambroseguy...if your state or province allows to record her without permission, and she makes suicide threats...you can then take that to the police and say she's a danger to herself.
I think being involuntarily committed for observation once would stop her.
I hesitate for you to tell her "okay," as she might actually do her own silly a$$ in.

...Might do her own silly a$$ in in the suicidal gesture she'd make...as I doubt she's actually suicidal.

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But what is most important to you and where do you see yourself ideally?

I see myself by myself working on myself. I am in a cycle with him, I have always put his wants, needs, and desires ahead of my own. Now it is about me. I feel like in order for me to grow to the next level I need to be on my own. He is a wonderful man but I feel like he doesn't want me to be better person.

Yes, we all need to find a way to grow and fulfill our potential - hope you find the right way forward!

Sounds like he misses having the control. Anything you take away from him having control, he probably call that you "not loving him, being mean, hateful, cold, etc..."

Yes, you are correct, it took me a long time to show him how controlling he is. He will place all the blame on me and loves to manipulate me, I can't get him to own up. He wants me to stand by him while he makes these changes. But he doesn't realize that is what I have been doing for 15 plus years. My question to him is how long do you think I am supose to wait and what if it never happens?

He wouldn't like that time-frame, he wants it to go on forever, I am sure...

I have told him 1 person can only take soo much. I am suppose to just keep on taking it until he sees fit. Not the way it works. Very selfish way of thinking.

Of course! Just like I can't reason with my wife in a rational manner. She gets mad when I call her selfish, but she really is

I am a assertive person and he is a aggresive person. We handle things different, he has to yell and say mean things to express his emotions or get his point across. I like to set down like 2 mature adults. Just doesn't mix anymore. He doesn't like that I call him selfish, but he knows its true

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