Have I been Living A Lie!!!!

I am a 32 yr old male, I have been married 9 years, we have 2 children the youngest is 4... I have been fortunate in my career, I have a nice house, cars etc.... I married my High School sweetheart, (my wife was my first and only partner)... I am always told by friends they are envious of my life (family), and that I am so lucky to have the perfect marriage. My wife is beautiful, and to this day I am just as attracted to her as I was in High School. I have never cheated, I don’t go to ***** clubs, and I feel a since of pride in that. Up un till recently I also believed I was living the dream.

One of my wife's family members recently moved in with us for a while to straighten things out in their life. I previously always bragged about how great my marriage was with this person. One evening this person approached me and with a since if concern asked how long my wife and I have been living like this ( our relationship with each other)... This person could not believe how my wife was treating me. I was taken by surprise and initially blew it off. That conversation continued to play in my head for days... The truth was that secretly I had felt like something was wrong for years. I had always figured I was the cause and about two years ago became pro-active about it. I got back into shape, and never missed an opportunity to tell her that I love her. I took her on dates and encouraged her to go out with friends and enjoy herself. I would cuddle, give massages, and pretty much wait on her hand and foot (always helped out around the house)

You see the lie I was living is that there was nothing wrong in our relationship.... I felt like I just needed to try harder...

In 9 years of marriage I only received 2 massages (gave hundreds). Although I couldn't say we lived entirely in a sexless marriage it was definitely lagging (sometimes months between). When we did I always initiated... She always seemed to enjoy making love, but turned me down 9 times out of 10. She never looked at me with any desire or passion. She loved being cuddled, but it was never us cuddling each other, it was always me cuddling her back...

I feel that your spouse should be the foundation of your strength, but began to realize that my wife was my biggest critic... Regardless of all of my success's in life that have afforded us the life we have... She never misses an opportunity to let me know That I can't do anything right. All of our problems in life have been my fault... Everything I do seems to Irritate her... In 9 years of marriage I have never heard her say she was wrong, or that she has made any mistakes... And she has NEVER been sorry for or about anything... I couldn't possibly count the number of times I have said "I am sorry" (many for good reason I am sure). The person in my life who should be my biggest supporter has actually destroyed my confidence and self esteem...

I feel SO ALONE.... I couldn't imagine living life without her... (It now feels more like an addiction). Just for the kids sake I don’t think I could ever leave her.

I have recently tried to express my feelings to her, but I might as well have been talking to the wall.... She only seemed to be annoyed that I felt this way...

I have never been with another woman, and can't even imagine
trying to start over...

I do however also realize that I deserve to feel loved, and Appreciated and for some reason I mostly just want to feel Wanted...

Now the question that seems to consume me 24/7 is... Now what?
1LonelySoul 1LonelySoul
31-35, M
5 Responses Dec 9, 2012

Breath, and we should talk... I feel like I may mirror your other half and you mine

Thank you, I would love to talk. Message me. =)

tell her straight out...it takes 2 for marriage to work..ask her is she willing....unless she respond your marrige is out yes you love her but she needs to meet your needs so tell her....

I agree that just based on the information you give, it sounds like a salvageable relationship. The dynamics of intimacy, attraction and sex do change-- that is normal. But that doesn't mean that the way they change is normal in every relationship; it can also be a sign of some problems. If you both want to work on things to make them better, I highly recommend counseling. If you find a good counselor and still can't work it out, at least you tried. That might lessen some feelings of grief and regret you would have if you decide in the end to divorce. I have had a handful of serious, long-term relationships with really wonderful men, and I have developed the opinion that every relationship has some issues. I would not leave a relationship now unless the issues are too bad, or the relationship for some reason has too little worth to me to accept them. That is, of course, after trying to resolve those issues that can be resolved.

There seems to be threads of classic co-dependency on your part, especially ".... if I try harder." The fact she seems comfortable in not addressing you or your emotional hunger may suggest she is beyond comfortable (as suggested below) i would say she feels in control and sees no reason to surrender it.
Regaining an equal footing in a marriage is quite difficult. <<<< experience speaking here.
In my case though she is emphatic (a ploy to keep me compliant ??) Empathy does nothing to change anything it only indicates an awareness of another's circumstances.
Perhaps counseling might help however, for counseling to work both have to want a change and need to be open and honest.....it is due to lack of one or both of these conditions on the part of one or both of the people in therapy that causes most counseling to fail.

Seek help for you marriage. It sounds like it is a happy normal marriage that needs some help.