Not Sure Where My Future Lies.

I have been married for 25 years. I always put my husband and my kids first in every decision I made.

Once he hit 40 our marriage has changed.
It seemed that he started to be distant from me and our kids seemed to annoy him. He was always upset when we were home, so I did my best to keep them out of his way.

Somehow it struck me that he might be having an affair. I called a friend and asked her, she said that my husband loves me very much. I cried on her and told her how alone and lonely I have been feeling. I was not on the receiving end of the love he was telling her about. I confronted him about my suspicions, turns out that she was the one he cheated on me with, in my own house while me and my children slept upstairs. He also had been flirting and sexting a bunch of women. He said he didn't cheat because he didn't go all the way, he was just playing. We talked and talked and he gave it all up because he said he loved me and our marriage was important to him. We had a great relationship again for about 6 months.

Now he gave up drinking and womanizing, then started going back to church. Now he has no interest in me at all, he spends all his free time reading Christian books, Bible Studies, Men's Group, Youth Group but does not pay attention to me or our kids.  He feels it is his calling to get involved with the Youth and give them inspiration when my kids are looking for his love and support.  He comes home and they all scatter to their rooms to stay out of his way.

I feel like a single parent most of the time.


Solelyme Solelyme
46-50, F
2 Responses Jan 11, 2013

Hi Solelyme, I’m so sorry about how things have gone for you. I hope that things get better. It’s great that your husband appears to be reforming in some ways, yet I believe he should be handling his relationship with you and your children differently. I believe he has a call on his life to love you as Christ loves the church. I know it cannot be done perfectly, but I believe it is something that Christian husbands should pursue.

Are you able to talk to your husband about this? Hopefully, making him aware of things will lead to him acting differently. If you have tried and yet still he doesn’t listen, perhaps you could talk with a Christian man from church (or from your life) and see if he would be willing to sit with you and your husband to encourage him to be the husband and father that he is called to be. I’m taking this idea from the principals in Matthew 18: 15-17. It would probably be best to let your husband know before you speak to anyone else. Surprising him with it could be upsetting. Telling him up front will let him know how important and serious things are. It will give him a chance to work things out between the two of you. It is not a threat. It is a protection that the Scriptures give us when we need help.

There is a book called The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace that has a chapter in it about getting help when we need it. (There’s also a chapter about loneliness.) Reading it may help you figure out what direction to go in. Approaching your husband alone or with someone else may be tricky, so it might be good to get some help. It’s a good book in general. I don’t agree with everything Martha says, but I feel it’s really worth the read. There is a companion book for husbands called The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective by Stuart Scott. Since your husband is doing a lot of reading, perhaps he would be willing to read it. I’ll be praying for you. Please feel free to pm me.

Thank You. We did talk a little today about how I am feeling. He says I am doing everything right and he is working through the changed he needs to make. He states that he needs to establish his relationship with God first before he can work on ours. He has immersed himself in the church, books and so on. I feel left out and on the sidelines instead of his partner in life here on earth.
I will check out the books and yes I have read the verses over and over again. I keep praying for him too.

Hi,
Sorry to read your story.

It must be horrible to feel like you do.

I have a great marriage and 2 kids, but feel like I need a friend outside of my home to generally chat and share the days ups and downs with.

My Wife has many online friends and I have always been a bit envious that she can log off from being her and have an (almost separate) life in a cyber world of friends.

I would love to look forward to checking my emails or messenger to have a message, even just a 'hi' once in a while, but mainly to enjoy sharing thoughts, moans and most of all laughs with.

As I say,I have a good home life but feel a bit 'friend' lonely.

If you fancy saying hi, say hi!

Dave

I am not sure how good a friend I can be. I am not on the computer much as I am always running with my kids to sports and what not. I will try to check in from time to time but sometimes I wont touch my computer for a week or more.

Hi,

I wish I could help to make life a bit happier. If you feel like letting off some steam then just drop me a mail!

Dave

I don't want to do anything to make him look bad. He is trying so hard. Maybe I am just too sensitive after all that we have been through. I need to have faith.