Married And Very Lonely

This is a great forum..Thank you for providing with us this platform.

I keep on starting to write but then I stop. The story is too long but still figuring out what to write and what to omit. First of all, I must admit that this is most courageous, fearless, daring, high risk thing I am going to do; washing my dirty linen in public. It is hard, painful and humiliating. But guess what? To me nothing can be worse, I have been humiliated by an institution I treasured. So nothing worse I could lose. Today i chose to share my life with you all. At least it a choice I can have a say and not feel guilty or doubt/question myself  if I am doing the right thing. I feel it is my responsibility to tell the world not because I want belittle my spouse but for many reasons:

To help me heal by sharing my pain with others and to hear what others would do in my situation, to clean my soul by expressing my feelings as they are honestly without fear of being judged. I have harboured these feelings for years.
To bring this issue to light so that maybe.. maybe the world can finally put an end to causes that affect people to become this way. Finally to teach, share with young people or others who aspire to get married not to fall in the same trap as I did.

To let the people who behave irresponsibly; those who hurt others without a little bit of remorse, those who make commitments and promises they cannot keep. Those who get into relationships they are not willing to work hard to keep. That you need help. You cannot go on hurting people, playing with other people;s emotions with out remorse, without tiny little bit of compassion and kindness. I want to ask you:  is this what makes you  happy? To have a list of names in your mind you have hurt and moved on? Is this what you call happiness? Are all people you meet and hurt really as abad as the first person you dated and left? Remember our minds are elastic you can heal and learn to love, grow and be happy....with one partner.

The Story:

I married a man of my dreams, or so I thought. We had known each other for 7 years but dated for two. He was one those nice guys.but who never kept a relationship for long. People constantly wondered why he could never  keep girlfriends.  I knew two of the girls he dated before me. We were in the same group for many years. When he and the two girls ended the relationship most people wondered why these two girls could leave such a wonderful young good looking guy. But because we all knew each, i never had guts to ask the girls why their relationship with him had ended. After all, on the surface he was the good guy.
At the beginning our friendship we were inseparable, we never a parted even for a day in those two years we dated. I never saw anything suspicious except he was not a touchy guy. This i loved, because i assumed it was  respect. I was running away from guys who seemed to be allover me even when I did not know them well.

I had dated one guy before him who adored me to death and i loved him too. Now that I go back, we had the same values, respect, honesty and commitment. You will not believe, why i dumped my first boyfriend. He smoked! plus I had told him that i might be pregnant and his reaction was to abort the baby. He blew off and started blaming me why i had not used protection. I was so shocked by his reaction and suggestion that my heart closed. I had expected for him to be excited and maybe open a discussion on what we are going to do. When later i told him that I was joking, it was too late. He had shown me his other side and I wasn't ready to stay with a guy who cannot deal with tough issues, plus I told myself that if  he truly  loved me he would at least have suggested to keep our child.

I married my man, attractive, intelligent, fun, outgoing, generous, in three months we conceived our first child. As soon as we got married, i had noticed that he stayed late at work, i would make dinner and wait for him for hrs. He would tell me that he is very busy, sometimes he would work till 3 am. I would call his office and truly he would be there. Then the sex disappeared. His explanation was that he did not want us to lose our baby. I wanted him more when i was pregnant.
I used to wear is unwashed shirts just to get his smell. It was crazy, I cried a lot but he never touched me till I gave birth. After i gave birth,r six month passed ..nothing!  When I questioned him about it, the story changed; now it was because he did not want to hurt me due to the  C section I had had.

One year passed, two years,nothing!  Sadness set in. whenever  I questioned him, he accused me o nagging and controlling. I did not know what to do, who to ask.  People admired us so much, we were a perfect couple. People loved to see us together. We are both very friendly people and outgoing.

He started playing tricks, he would sleep early or come to bed late when I am sleep. Plus i also noticed that each time we made love, he wanted the lights to off, and I wanted them on! Yes, i had not been sexually active before not because I did not feel comfortable with sex, but because i wanted to do it with someone I loved. So when I got married, I was very open to have all the fun without fear. I could see he was struggling with intimacy but at the same time he showed love to many other people.
He is always very helpful to other people but not me. After two years sexless life, he came home and I put my foot down. I told him that I am tired of being denied my conjugal rights. He told me that sex is not not the only thing people marry. I wanted the truth... I told him that if he does not want sex, at least lets do it because I want another child.  Strangely that night he agreed and we got pregnant!. I had timed my days. I was not surprised that i conceived.

From that day our sex life became a battle, i loved my husband to death, i was tortured when i slept next to him and we would not  even kiss or touch each other. Headaches, tiredness became the routine for him. We loved the same things, but because i was so much in love, I believed him when he told me that his lack sex drive is too much work. I suggested for him to change his Job and apply in an international organisation where I was working. He did and got a very good paying Job. From there on our marriage hit the rocks! he had no more excuses.

He had the money so he  decided to buy sex and because of his charm, women follow him like flies and he takes them , uses them and dumps them. He never sticks to one partner. We went for counselling. Nothing, he would not explain why he had allow libido. He kept on saying we give him time.

To cut the story short. after a few years i discovered that he watches pono, tapes. He had never talked to me about me about it .  He started drinking like a fish, girls followed, young, street girls, any young girl he met while on business trips, took. I lost count, he slept with his phone, lied to me of where he would be going, never spent a single weekend at home. He disappeared from home, he would come home, drunk each morning, with condoms in his pocket.

Anger set in, I could never ask anything or suggest any thing he would snap at touch of pin. Because i had given up my Job to follow him in different countries. I decided to put all my attention to our kids  and take care of the home. I did not want my kids to be ruined by watching his behaviour. I could not file for a divorce since we were living outside of our country and moved often.
I soaked all it in, I almost went mental, I have calmed down over the years. and learn't to accept my fate.

My kids and I we were very sad. Then one day i decided to confront him a bout his endless affairs. I asked if the problem was with me, he shore it had nothing to do with me. He needed more time to sort it out. He apologised and told me how much he loved me but does not understand why he hurts me, he asked me never to leave him that he would try and change. That was 21 years a go. We have lived like this as strangers in the same house. After  running out of all excuses, he told me i was ugly and  I had expired!
My self esteem dived deep, I added weight. He now got a justification to not want me.. I am now a size 14/16 but I know when i lose weight i look great. it was also my strategy not to be too thin, to a void having affairs. i knew when i am thin men disturb me and i wash;t sure if I was going to hold on. So adding weight was my cocoon. I don't fancy unfaithfulness. I don't want people to say that he left me because i was a cheat. plus how do i look in another man's eyes and expect respect if he knows that I am married but cheating???

I believe he still collects girls of all shapes, colours and ages. I also found out that he takes sex enhancing drugs. He looks at other women in a weird way,from his side of his eyes. But he wont touch me! Whenever I told him that instead of taking those drugs and go out with other women, why can't take them for me. He would get very angry at me and storm out of the house arrogantly. He never tells me where he goes but i know he often with other women.

He hit me twice, but the mental abuse has continued for years. Very stubborn and proud. Though he acts very soft with other people. One day he opened up to me and told me that his father was very abusive but he hated it.

I never thought he would do the same thing  to me. I do love him, he can be a good person when he wants. I have come to believe that he is sick, I hate what he does, the problem is because I know he grew up in abusive environment , i though I would help him by loving him so he can re-learn to love and trust. So I thought that counselling would help and any way he was willing to go, he was never honest with counsellors.   Instead he would blame me for complaining about our situation.  Each time he knows we are almost coming to the truth, he avoids to continue with therapy. He is in complete denial. He does not seem to see or even know that he wrong. He had guts to tell me that all people cheat and he is not the first one.

At work and with all our friends he acts so well, so fair, so understanding, so helpful that no one will ever believe me if I tell them.
I cannot leave, because i never managed to get a steady Job. This is because we move often to different countries on different continents and not all countries we go allow me to work. I could not take my kids either because they get a good education and go the best schools in the world which I cannot give them. He provides everything financially, although he budgets alone.

We cannot file for a divorce outside our country. The countries we have lived in won't do it for foreigners either. Plus we live a good life by any standards( although I have no access to his money, he controls everything! I gave up the fight because I wanted to stay sane. I bet if you meet him you never think he is the same person.
The strange thing when he goes to visit my family and his, he behaves so well so normal that no one can believe me that he is abusive. He is very calculating. He switches moods like in seconds, all calculated. When we are together he looks vicious and talks o me badly, the moment a third person joins us, he lights up! changes his voice and accent. I stopped questioning him. He told me I can find myself a man, though he won't divorce me. He said he had no reason to do so. I had short time employment in between. Whenever I get a job he becomes very nice, but when my contract ends he gets nasty a gain.

I would do anything to get him help if only he can finish with therapy.

The house is calm now though I still walk on eggshells. We have  slept in separate bedrooms for more than 6 years now. I have thought of having an affair, although I believe in being royal and honest . I don't know how to tell whoever I may date that I am not a cheat, I want to be respected, be normal, be a woman, be held and loved and give back tenderness and real love without being weird about sex.
I believe sex should be respected, valued and enjoyed normally with no shame tied to the act between two adults.
I am a beautiful woman by any standards, organised, funny,not materialistic, fair,loving, loves to cook, artistic in a way, outgoing, loves to read, museums, travel, dine,garden, camp, entertain, believe in integrity, dance, spontaneous, loves a happy and sincere relationship, loves to have a friend as a lover who does not act weird when it comes to sex......
For now I guess I am stuck, scared, trapped in a world of loneliness, while I travel the world. Dreaming of a good man who wants to share a life with a normal sexy woman. Someone who believes in one partner for life. Sometimes I feel like waking up pack my bags and go to the end of earth where no one knows me. Start a new life.
Marriage should be fun and not a nightmare. I don't blame my husband I know he is a victim too. I pray that one day he could allow the expert to help.

This is was a hard thing to write. I had to spill the beans because I want to live!

Question if you were in my position, what would you do?. Sorry my story was too long.. if you have read it to the end. You are blessed. Thank you.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 13, 2013